Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
This is the hard part about what I've been trying to figure out. She definitely lets me meet her needs so it is not that she won't kiss me, or hug her, or talk, or go have fun together. If she was in conflict she wouldn't usually allow me to meet those needs. When we were in conflict she wouldn't even allow me to help her do laundry but she does now.


Actually, that's a perfect description of Dr. Harley's state of conflict. In conflict, you are willing to have your needs met, but not willing to meet the other person's.

Withdrawal is the state where you are not willing to even have your own needs met.

How long has it been since your last demand, disrespectful judgment, or angry outburst? Wasn't it within the last week or so?

To me it still sounds like she is "in like" with you, not love. Does she doodle hearts? Call you unexpectedly at work just to talk? Stroke your arms, hug you, act affectionate? If she is not doing these things, she is not yet in love.


It has been less than a week since my last DJ. She doesn't doodle and doesn't contact me unless she needs something or has a question or wants my opinion. She did initiate holding my hand in the car yesterday or the day before which felt amazing and she rarely does that so I must be getting somewhere. I think you are correct. She wants to see if this whole "show" is real before she'll invest energy in me and I don't blame her.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD