Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by CWMI
Again, venting here. What is there not to love? Is a mild DJ every week or so the entire thing here?

Don't underestimate the negative power of a 'mild DJ'.

My H thought that a 'little lie' was nothing to even blink at. Oh, how wrong he was! It took a long, long time for me to even begin to believe anything he said, and that was only after repeat verification that it was, in fact, the truth. Every little 'mild lie' was a set back to zero.

You probably don't always have to be perfect forever, Hill, but it would pay for you to 'be perfect' in avoiding the most deadly LBs for as long as it takes for her to be in love again. Every 'mild DJ' is probably a set back to zero.

Good perspective here. I won't underestimate the power of a DJ, I guess I just can't believe that she is literally out of love with me. That is not a good feeling. Also, the no sex thing is just not a big deal to her. She knew I was disappointed and I didn't hide it. I was respectful at all times.

Then be more bold, but respectful. For instance, my H didn't want to have conversations with me, which is one of my top needs. (We had already done the ENQ, he knew it was a top need) So I asked him, "Why don't you have conversations with me?" He told me it was because he talked to people all day long at work and didn't want to have conversations when he got home. So I asked if there was anything I could do about that. He said no. So I asked, "Okay then, what are you willing to do about it?"

If he'd said, "Nothing," that would be a clue. But he didn't. He got pissy instead about how demanding I was and he didn't have time for this BS, so I asked him how he thought I should go about getting my need for conversation met.

Now he won't shut up, lol.

Don't know how well that would work for SF...but you could ask her why she doesn't have sex with you x times a week. Don't ask her why she WON'T, just ask her why she doesn't. And listen. Ask what you can do about it. Do it.

If she doesn't respond, bring it back up. See how you're doing. Tweak it.

If she says there's nothing you can do, then do like I did, and ask her what she's willing to do about it. If she blows up, shrug and say, "Okay then. I think I understand your answer to be that you are not willing to have sex with me on a regular basis, is that right?" Whether she says yes or no or FU, just say, "Okay."

And give it a couple of days to sink in. Meanwhile, be pleasant and meet ENs. IME, people who are willing to acknowledge an unwillingness to meet ENs get really freaked out by calm spouses, especially if they have a pattern of flipping out and DJing. And they start to think that perhaps, just perhaps, THEY'RE the problem.

Not being 'the problem' anymore worked wonders in my marriage. Try it!

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)