Originally Posted by bitbucket
Originally Posted by CWMI
So if a person wants to keep their marriage...scheduling in time for sex needs to happen IF THAT IS THE ONLY WAY IT WILL HAPPEN.

This is exactly what Jennifer told us to do. In our case the problem was not emotional connection but my W's energy levels, so Jennifer told us to schedule SF for W's times of highest energy, and for her to plan her energy usage accordingly.

We used to have the problem of her burning herself up doing gardening or house cleaning all day and having nothing left for me at night. Now as a SAHM with 3 small kids it's more difficult, but I have some flexibility in my job and can take a morning during the week when the kids are at camp/preschool, and another night on the weekend when she's had an "easy day" and has some energy left when the kids are in bed.

I would much prefer spontaneity, but we came to realize that if it wasn't scheduled and planned for it wasn't going to happen. I don't have to initiate and be rejected again, she doesn't have to feel like the 'bad guy' for rejecting me...both win.

Hill mentioned a day that his W had promised SF that night but went to the gym for what sounded like a draining workout. That triggered me to thinking about energy levels.

This is a big thing here. My wife and I have both intentionally chosen to be endurance athletes. This takes a lot of time and can compromise a marriage if not done carefully. Difference with us is that I work for myself and time is NOT an issue. Either we work out together, or she does at 5am, or I do 2 in the afternoon. We are together for family time by 5pm and alone with each other about 8pm each night.

Energy however could be a big problem for her. I have a hard time getting her to be intimate at all, let alone any other time other than late at night. By late at night she is exhausted and sometimes I am as well. I have no problem planning sex and neither does my wife but I don't think we can plan at night any more.

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD