Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by Zhamila
Originally Posted by Prisca
You said you think you're "home free." This concerns me, because it sounds like a man who is doing all this stuff just to get sex. I don't know too many women who are attracted to men who do things just to get in their pants. Perhaps I'm misinterpreting your quote, but if this is your motive in "having a fabulous time" she will pick up on it, and shut down.
There is nothing wrong with a man meeting his wife's emotional needs in hopes that she will, in turn, meet his.

Marriage is about mutual care.

Totally agree, when they are both in love. She's not in "mutual care" mode yet - she's in withdrawal - and if he is giving just to "get" then this may be shutting her down.

He needs to prime the pump.

Priming the pump does not mean having no expectations that your needs will eventually be met.

Your suggestion here is unconditional love.

He shouldn't be demanding that she meet his needs, definitely. But he doesn't need to give up the expectation that they will eventually be met. To give up that expectation would be demotivating, as well as setting them up for an unsustainable situation - unconditional love on his part.

You don't bring a person out of withdrawal or conflict by giving up all expectations. You do it by meeting your spouses needs on a consistent basis, without lovebusters, with the expectation that your needs will eventually be met.

Again agreed, the operative word being "eventually."

Expecting the need for SF to be met eventually? yup.
Expecting SF Immediately (Week 1 no DJs)? nope.
Communicating the hope that she will begin to meet the need for SF? absolutely.

A quote from "When to Call if Quits" Part 1:

"Plan A is to give your husband "unconditional love" for a brief period of time, usually a month. I know. I've just written two columns that warn against unconditional love. But I've never been opposed to its use if it's intended to prime the pump. One spouse can't save a marriage, but one spouse can often set an example that the other spouse will sometimes follow. Plan A is to avoid all Love Busters, and to meet the other spouse's emotional needs without expecting anything in return immediately. But it also involves communicating the importance of reciprocity. Along with being an angel, you also explain that you expect your needs to eventually be met, too."

....that's all I was sayin'

"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)