Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Zhamila
This is great news, Hill! I like your running analogy - makes sense. And I'm really glad your wife is on board with spending time together.

[quote=Hilltopper1972]So now I come back and realize I have a bad marriage and want to flip the switch tomorrow, start having my wife be "into" me, and have sex all the time. I wouldn't want to do it either. She'll come around though when she spends consecutive and consistent hours with me.

This is great insight. And I know you know this: the time she spends with you needs to be 'safe' and 'pleasant' for herboth of you: no DJs or AOs at all, or it risks ruining the whole thing. It's kinda like a tall, cool glass of ice water....with a 'tiny bit of bird poop' in it....would you want to drink that? Me either. wink

You'll do great! Your attitude is fab, your plan is good. I am rooting for you guys!!

Hill, have you read this one yet;

How to Make Your Wife Happy

Just finished. We both capitulate and don't like doing so. All it does is cause resentment for having done so and who needs that. I think the takeaway is to brainstorm. Each time something comes up where it is a win-lose situation I'm gonna attempt to come up with 2-3 other choices and see how she takes it. What might be particularly difficult is to recognize situations that are lose-win for her. I need to be sensitive to those too since I'm here reading this and she is not.

You already have a mountain of resentment due to your unmet needs.

I was actually in a rather similar state to what you face, but rather than fight I withdrew. I found other things to do.

It cannot be win/lose, lose/win. If it is not win/win, YOU are going to gas out. When you gas out, the 'ol AO/DJ/SD Hill is going to rear his ugly head.

It is your responsibility to accept nothing less than win/win. And that means shelving anything that cannot be negotiated pleasantly until it can be negotiated pleasantly.

And, in the interim - focus on that UA time.

Part of that is intimate conversation, here is a refresher;

The Friends of Good Conversation

Remember how it used to be? You and your wife used to be fascinated with each other. You would support and encourage each other. Empathy and understanding were almost effortless. You had many common interests to talk about. Somehow, you need to resurrect the kindness, consideration, empathy and interest you once shared in your conversations with each other.

Once you can talk to each other like that again, you will be meeting one of each other's most important emotional needs: The need for conversation. And if you can learn to do it well, you will deposit so many love units that you will become irresistible to each other again.

There are ways to make your conversation great. I call these the Friends of Good Conversation. If you incorporate these friends into the conversation you have with your spouse, you will get out of your rut. The first Friend of Good Conversation is using conversation to investigate, inform and understand your spouse. You and your spouse have not begun to exhaust all there is to know about each other. But, for some reason, you have stopped investigating. Your conversation has become predictable and uninteresting as a result.

I suggest that you investigate the facts of each other's personal histories, present experiences and plans for the future. Also investigate each other's attitudes and emotional reactions to those facts. You are bound to each other, through marriage, in a partnership that requires you to navigate through life with skill and coordination. Without conversation you will have neither, and your marriage may crash.


I just tried it out actually. Wife wanted to workout for 90 mins tomorrow morning and then go to a plant show with her friend for 2 hours. I didn't like this because it would end up being a block of time of 5 hours where I'm watching kids while she is away. I told her this pleasantly and gave two alternatives which was to only go an hour to the event, or see if her parents would watch kids and we'd both go. She declined both alternatives and decided not to go and do it another time. She felt it too complicated to so she'd rather just skip it. I'm not sure the end result here because I don't know her true feelings on the subject. Did she capitulate? Maybe. Or maybe it really wasn't that important to her and she recognized that I might get a little burnt or stressed out if she was gone for half the day?

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD