We are seperated at this time. When I wrote the seperation letter, I didnt have a clear idea of exactly what i needed him to do when it came to if he decided he wanted to try and work it out. (My main were to stop putting me down, no form of abuse however small, quit the small lies/not telling me things, and starting to do something to move fwd in the relationships..books, couseling, etc.) He has agreed to do the Love Busters & His Needs, Her Needs books so far. He has done all the quizzes and Im waiting for him to start reading the openness/honesty chapers to start with as that was my big thing. He said maybe one chapter a week bc he is busy with training..
Does that mean anything?
It means nothing. None of that will give you a happy, safe marriage if your husband continues to engage in independent behavior. You should have a plan for recovery and it doesn't look you have any plan at all so far. You have agreed to things that will destroy your marriage. If you want to have a marriage, you have raise the bar so your marriage will last. Your marriage won't last based on what you told us.
You might not "believe" in divorce [I don't know what that means since you know that divorce is a very real event in this country - do you mean you don't LIKE divorce? No one likes divorce] but you are headed to divorce now.
If you want to recover your marriage, you are going to insist on a few things:
1. no more nights out with friends unless wife is there and she enthusiastically agrees to go
2. no opposite sex friendships
3. no more drinking unless at home
4. complete access to computer and cell phones - total transparency
5. commitment to the POJA and all other MB concepts
Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent an affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled marriage that will end in divorce.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.