I see what you're saying, yes it's ultimately her choice, even if it is skewed by depression or a temporary drive for revenge or hatred.
Poor boundaries around the opposite sex is what leads to affairs. Lots of people can be depressed or have a desire for revenge or hate their spouses, but the reason they avoid affairs is because they have strong boundaries around the opposite sex, avoiding tempting situations.
How about the military couples that do make it though? And don't cheat? When they are deployed for a year without one another. How can they make it apart, or do they just suffer the lack of needs met, and wait to be reunited.
Some, like my parents, have very strong boundaries. My father was very affectionate with my mother and obviously in love with her. When he was deployed to Thailand, then a year later to Vietnam, he lived "like a monk," as he put it. Many of his fellow soldiers did not and had affairs with their house girls. My mother also lived with very strong boundaries and avoided any tempting situation. Many of her fellow "waiting wives," as they were called, had affairs while their husbands were deployed.
Adultery is VERY common in the military, and in other jobs that require travel or overnights apart. Dr. Harley found that very few military marriages were happy, in the sense of having an integrated transparent blending of two people who were meeting each other's needs and avoiding love busters. The travel and deployments severely weaken a marriage. Even in good marriages, it's very difficult to meet most of the intimate emotional needs while apart. Nights apart are an invitation to an affair.
I have this feeling my controlling behavior was little by little turning her off to me, lets say when she first met those guys, I was excited for her, we would place boundaries that made sense, and perhaps she wouldn't of dive bombed into the drunken weekend she had? She stated she was so tired of being controlled she didn't care anymore and said "f it im going to hang out with my friends for once". All of our interactions about anything related to this have been horribly unhealthy, is there a way to manage that without being paranoid or controlling?
Your wife wants to live independently and have a secret second life. She is able to accomplish this easily due to the long separation. You are not "controlling" your wife by insisting on boundaries around men. And you are not being "paranoid." You are reacting as most of us would react to this situation - with alarm.
