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SRW,
Perhaps your marriage is over, but you still need to report this behavior to her chain of command and especially to the inspector general. These soldiers who are fooling around with a married woman have no place in our armed forces.
This will also allow you to leave with dignity having done all you can do as a man.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 09/20/13 07:54 PM.
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Have you exposed? Exposure 101
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Melody, here goes on the exposure part with military members.
If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!
How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also.
The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!
At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!
So, as I said, the IG is the place to go.
When you call the IG, make sure you have at least the SM's name, his/her rank and unit, if you can get it. If you need help, ask someone you know that knows military rank and unit patches, and have them look at Facebook pictures or describe to them what their uniform looks like. Tell the IG everything you know. There are privacy protections...so you can give them info in confidence (one note: any information that directly implicates someone in an illegal act is not covered by privacy protections. Please understand that an IG is a Federal investigator!).
The IG will be adept at receiving these kinds of complaints, so will have additional questions for you. Answer them completely. If you dont know the answer, tell them you dont know. Or if you can get the answer, ask them if you should and get back to them.
Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...an IG is a Federal investigator. Which means, if you lie to them...there is jailtime and a huge fine. So dont do it! Tell them nothing but facts!!
At the end of the interview, the IG will advise you that they will pursue this...but they will not be able, sue to privacy rights, to let you know what the results of the investigation are. But you wont need them!!
Why? Because when that SM immediately stops contacting your spouse or contacts your spose and tells them they have been ordered not to see them anymore...then things will go nuclear. But that is the beauty of exposure. But unlike exposure in the civilian world, after exposure with a military member involved...well, no contact will be implemented immediately.
How do we know? Because if the SM is ordered not to see your spouse, and they do...then they have disobeyed a direct order. Then you call the IG, tell them contact continues. And there is almost nothing worse in the military than disobeying a direct order!! There WILL be criminal charges then!
So, do you research. Find out what unit they are in...or at least what post/base they are from. Then contact the unit of base/post IG. Do this at the same time that you do your exposure elsewhere (family, friends, etc).
Note: I wish that in the civilian world, there should be laws just like the military has.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I totally get this and would in fact call if I had any solid clues or info on which guy in particular. Mind you she only told me about two "friends". Who knows if the perpetrator is a friend of those guys, and she never let me in on him at all. Just going to have to wait to see if she admits anything or if I find evidence online.
As of now she didn't heed the conditions of our communication break, she texted me last night herself. Said she loved me and then this morning a good morning and a "I'll talk to you later have a nice day". She's having her cake and eating it too. She's taken down every picture of us on social media sites and changed her informations to just list her age, that she's in the military, and overseas. Nothing about me. Her pictures are now very pretty and happy looking, all dressed up, "to attract a mate" kind of pictures.. And any page she follows or likes now is all about "focus on what makes you happy and have no regrets or fears" kind of "inspiration". And about not trusting people or expecting anything from them. To the public it seems she's moved on and perhaps has fallen for someone, the average eye may guess. But to me personally, treats me how she does. I don't know which way this is going to go.
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Can you hire a PI to find out who the OM is? You need to kill this affair.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I haven't considered that or looked into it, maybe I can look it up but they'd have to be hired in the UK while I pay them from here in the states.
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I haven't considered that or looked into it, maybe I can look it up but they'd have to be hired in the UK while I pay them from here in the states. I would definitely do that. You need to get the evidence and report it to her command and kill this affair.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I haven't considered that or looked into it, maybe I can look it up but they'd have to be hired in the UK while I pay them from here in the states. I'm sure you could do the whole thing online, sending the PI digital photos of your WW. I'm sure a Google search of UK PIs would bring up several who would be prepared to work that way.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I'm going to research this and make that move if and only if I'm sure I won't miss the target.
By the way with her childhood issues I think we are dealing with borderline personality disorder here and so much more is making sense. Especially the contrasting pushing me away then coming back kind of thing, wanting me to die and then saying she loves me. It isn't just normal over reacting girl emotions. These are extreme cases of signs of BPD that she has presented our whole relationship. I had no idea
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I got quoted "easily over 1000" for a PI. I really don't have the money to blow on that. Which really sucks. They said military it's going to be extremely challenging to get anything anyway since restrictions on base entry. We have been talking daily and she has been polite and nice. No fighting from either of us. Although it seems like that eerie alien family vibe that we are faking being perfect so we don't have to deal with the truth? Idk.. Especially because I'm still blocked on some social networking and don't know her passwords anymore. She doesn't seem to be going back on that anytime soon. Said her life is less stressful now.
We exchange sexual pictures sometimes again too.. But she doesn't express her desire to be with me. She still insists I do not move in with her, rather I stay and go into the Air Force now and meet her later (6-8months). Insisting that we will be fine and this is best for our future. I'm basically following the "do what she tells you to do" attitude of trying to coax a spouse out of cheating and withdrawal. Arguing wont get me anywhere with her but ignored.
Like I said the love feels fake. I feel like when she says I love you it's just that she cares about my well being and feels for me, definitely not the I'm in love with you and want you type. Said she tried hard many times the past week to try to get the feeling back and can't bc it hurts too much. What is that supposed to mean hurt too much? I wasn't that bad.
When we do have our half [censored] emotion talks, it's only a few sentences and then she doesn't respond. Throughout the day it's just a couple sentences. Good morning, I'll talk to you later have a good day. Then after work she might say hi and that's about it. Before bed that she loves me and be careful at work. Bare minimum.
She's attempting this with me and yet is not fully into it. Could she be guarding herself still? It's only about week 2 into the madness. Could take months for her to warm up fully. But she sends me racy pictures. Is "more" friendly than at first... And states we will be ok. At the same time telling me she doesn't feel it right now and definitely cannot see me living with her now, but is speaking of our future later like it actually will exist.
All this coming from a girl who just weeks ago was extremely affectionate extremely horny for me and expressing her desires loudly for having children. All is completely opposite now. I'm lost
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So a cheaper route would be to put spyware on her computer, phone and buy a VAR for her vehicle. Is there a way you can try and do this?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Srw,
I hestitate to say this, but you are in no position to save your marriage. I've seen this a hundred times unfortunately. Rarely do things work out. It's extremely likely that your W is having an affair, or at least one or more ONS. She will be getting ALOT of attention from men and eventually, if not already, she will cave. Your LB$ balance is too low due to your separation.
The only way to fix this is for you to live with her TODAY which would mean not joining the military yourself. Since that is not likely to happen, you really are at a loss. Without any kids in the picture, I (me) would just cry it out as love lost and file for D.
Really, alot of the options presented to you on this thread would be doable IF you were not separated by an ocean.
The other option is just to keep doing what you're doing. Maybe...eventually...she will move you out there. THEN you can work to R your marriage. Trying to do it now, over the phone, when she is enjoying her single life, isn't going to happen.
I hate to be debbie downer but i've seen your situation before. Young women who are married w/out children tend to play the field a bit when they join if thier hubby geographically separated. Hell, my wife did it twice (and that's WITH two kids). Not saying this is a forgone conclusion, but I would HATE to see you give up your chances for a successful military carreer trying to save something that may be too far gone.
My $.02
Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
Almost recovered and ahead of schedule
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I do understand the vast terrible possibilities and every night I go to bed I try to accept the fact that she could be in bed sleeping naked on another guys chest. And then in the morning saying good morning to me and she loves me. I also accept that she's dragging this out as long as possible til I quit, so she doesn't have to bear the burden of guilt. I am willing to accept that, should it come down to the choice she makes. regardless, I'm joining the Air Force as soon as possible and getting my career going for my own sake. 1. If this will take me going away and becoming an airman for her to realize I am the man she thought I could be, that will help, 2. If she still shows no love, I will at least have a good career. And 3. I have no other choice, she to this day, denies me to even come visit her. She doesn't want me to move in, and doesn't want me shipped there to live for a few months before I go to basic training.
She basically does not want me to step foot on her base overseas. And she even stated that she thought about canceling our join spouse plans to be stationed there together as she said"so we don't have to extend our stay here for 3 years" aka ... I want to stay single on this base for two years and maybe I'll meet up with you after I'm done with my flings.
She still strongly suggests to me to take certain careers in the Air Force as they pay a lot and have reenlistment bonus's. if she is talking reenlistment bonus, and plans on being with me to share that money, she plans on being with me 6,10,12 years at least to reap those benefits? If she really does not love me, why go through an unhappy marriage that long just to spend my bonus? Wouldn't a wife rather detach sooner? Or maybe she plans on being separate for as long as possible and blame it on military life, and not her lack of love or care.
Or maybe she's being extremely selfish and wrong as a wife to get back at me for "treating her so bad" that she is going to enjoy her single life for the next two years and try to ween herself off and back to me after? Even though its completely despicable, she could have honest intentions to make it right with me after time, like a couple going through an agreed seperation and making it work, after affairs and other loves and love lost. Although our seperation started off as mandatory due to work, it's ending up being by her emotional choice now that she has withdrawn from me.
Also if anyone has advice on how to send her spyware via email, please inform me, I have no other way of tracking her email or Facebook or computer keystrokes or anything. I feel there is a gold mine of information there that would help me decide how to proceed. Until then, I'm still patient to her, encouraging that she's a good person and always holding my hand out if she wants to take it, at the same time doing the best for myself, trying to be more positive and happy, working out, eating healthy, and trying to ship off ASAP, the things she would've found attractive in me when we started dating.
God blesses those who persevere, right?
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She's a typical Wayward. This is why you need to get evidence and expose to her command.
She needs to be held accountable for her actions.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I need to know how to send spyware to her computer as I believe I can find exposing conversations ... Anything from flirting, sex talk or "you were so amazing last night". Would be worthy of reporting to command. I simply cannot prove this any other way even with an investigator. They can't spy in the bedroom where this would go down
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I need to know how to send spyware to her computer as I believe I can find exposing conversations ... Anything from flirting, sex talk or "you were so amazing last night". Would be worthy of reporting to command. I simply cannot prove this any other way even with an investigator. They can't spy in the bedroom where this would go down Is there anyway you can go for a "friendly visit" and put the spyware on her phone?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I really wish I could. After letting her know I could move in with her and she denied that, I said well hey let me visit for Xmas? Re kindle the flame a little? And she could only reply with "I don't think you would be allowed to stay with me in the dorms, I don't know how we would see each other". So i just backed off and I emailed the base to see what they could do about letting me visit, and maybe just approach her again soon and say I can get a hotel if need be. But that would be months down the road as I would need to apply for a passport. I am in no position to fix this from overseas and it appears the only way to try to get to her is to ship off myself and let her know I'm coming to fix this marriage and secure a solid future in us, and that no matter the time apart or distance I'm not giving up
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Maybe you could buy her a brand new top of the line phone, like the iPhone 5 and have the spyware pre-installed.
Give it to her to be able to have access to quicker speeds, more memory and to be easier to connect with each other.
Test it out first and even buy yourself the exact same model so you know and learn all the functions so you can help her be on top of the technology.
Don't Ever let her know while you are investigating though.
Buttt, weren't you only married for just 1 month before you got separated and tranfered or deployed?
Is a reality of only a one month marriage worth hanging onto with deception right out of the starting gate?
That's for You to decide, but please let us know.
LTL
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I will research that and if it's possible to hack a new iPhone like that, I can see that working.
But yeah, one month before basic training, and together a year and a half or so before marriage, and to be honest with the strict structure of basic and tech school she was completely ok and trustworthy, and I did see her in between every now and then. It all happened on our 6th and 7th month of marriage right here where we are now, from the deployment. I feel it's worth it, she needs guidance she needs stability, confidence, to love herself and mostly, God. There's a good soul hiding in the lost girl
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Not hack it.
But install spyware before you gift it to her.
It will record all conversations, texts, e-mails and keystrokes which will give you the passwords you wanted for her FB page and any other social interaction site. Then all that info gets sent to a secure website for you to find out the truth.
Check out the Operation Investigate sub-forum and see what one is recommended.
LTL
Last edited by LearnedTooLate; 09/28/13 06:54 PM.
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