I should add, what's tearing me up right now is that we've been in limbo for 2 years now. In other words, she isn't decisively leaving or divorcing me, but she is also not doing anything positive to rebuild our relationship. Even in counseling together, she is not opening up towards anything positive towards us and she keeps insisting on her needs and only her. And I am willing to meet her needs and love her and give her space to be herself, but she doesn't want me in the picture right now... and right now everything is one-sided... me making all the overtures and efforts, and her doing her own thing regardless of what it means to me or how much pain she is causing me.
The way I look at it, only 2 things are going to come from this. Either we are going to have a good, happy, honest, fun, loving marriage again, or we're going to divorce and part ways. She doesn't want to commit to either outcome. I am fully committed to us and a good life together the rest of our days. She's not willing to take even the slightest positive step in this direction because I imagine she thinks that that itself would inevitably be a decision... no chance at a single independent life on her own. But she's also not willing to take any big step towards splitting up either. It's like she's taking a thousand small steps in that direction by building walls over the past two years. But since she's not a decisive person and she doesn't want to regret making a wrong decision, she's only gradually moving in that direction.
All of this is ripping me to shreds. I don't want to waste the next 10, 15, 20 years of my life in this painful limbo, only to have her split from me. But I also don't want to divorce her right now because I still optimistically hope that she will come back around.
If we have any chance at a good marriage again, it's all in her hands right now because she is the only one holding back and I am making every effort for us to have a good life together. Part of me thinks I'm only prolonging the painful limbo because she is not going to make any decisive decision. But I also don't want to force the issue because I don't want her to make the wrong decision. Part of me says, enough of this. Move on. And when I'm out of the picture of her life maybe she will realize what a good thing she's throwing away. (Please don't think I'm arrogant or deluded by saying that. I'm a decent guy.)
Am I wasting my time? Or are there some stories out there in which the spouse who wanted independence and their own life came back around and realized the importance of a good life together with their original spouse? I hope so.