Please listen to them - I am in a similar situation as you - but not through a lack of desire. I want to expose, but have no proof, and cannot locate the POSOMs Wife ***EDIT*** to expose to. My wife claims there is no contact, but as I have no way of verifying calls or emails she makes at work I cannot verify this. Heck the POSOM used to work for her, and was a big part of her office, his name is mentioned once every few weeks - this brings back the fog. I can plot the days on a calendar when his name is mentioned just by how she reacts to me. She gets closer, and closer, we seem to make progress, then someone brings up his name. Guess what? That night she is withdrawn, and her Love Bank is not receiving. And we start again, lucky that my deposits are still there - the balance is growing, but slowly.
Next - I haven't seen anyone here mention it, but do not bring up this site. Don't invite her here, and don't talk directly about MB or Dr. Harley. If you wish to share some information from the site, I recommend copy the text to a word program and print it out without the URLs or names etc. At least until the Affair is dead, crushed and you are in fully recovery a football team protects it play book, this site is your play book, and you have the best offensive, and defensive line your could every hope to find.
Next - you need to expose - your children are adults, and have the right and a need to know. They can be your allies in this.
This will also help them see that every person - no matter faith, education, or how it seems on the outside can be tempted. I think MB would be best taught to teens, before they start serious dating, but hey too late for us, failing that it should be mandatory pre-marriage learning.
Your exposure doesn't have to be nuclear as you see it, you, I am sure have a gift for words, and can present this as a call for assistance. Start with your children, tell them the truth, and nothing but the truth, tell them (if this is your goal) that you want to save your marriage, and that you would like their support.
How close is your wife to her family? Parents? Siblings? Who has the greatest influence in her life? These people can help you, but they need to know about the affair.
Yes she will be mad - I know that is daunting, but what is she mad about? Her actions? Or her actions being revealed to people she cares for? If she doesn't / didn't want people to know what she did, then she needs to ask herself why would she do it?
You have basically said that there is a timeline - August of this year. You have until then to win her back. I have a feeling that about two years ago your oldest left for school, correct? I make this guess as I am thinking that her changes towards you, are a combination of your depression, and some empty nest type reactions on her part.
How much time are you spending together? Your depression makes me think that you might not spend as much time with her as you did when you were younger. Good news, she is looking for you as a buddy - not great, but this gives you an open door to start making deposits - if the bank can be re-opened. (hint to re-open the bank you need to eliminate the other depositor). In the meantime that is a great way to Plan A. I know that you have been told to get and read SAA - do it. Also while waiting read up on the Emotional Needs (EN) start here:http://marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3550_summary.html
What are your wifes biggest ENs? Can you fill any of them? There are some that you might not be able to - until the other depositor - or fantasy of him - is gone, but start with what you can.
I used to tell my kids that before telling a joke I want them to consider would they be willing to tell their grandparents sitting at the front of a church? This works pretty well for judging any action. If I (your wife, my wife...) consider would we do this, or say this in that situation it may have an impact on if we would do it.
In short, when she expresses anger, you tell her you are sorry that her affair is causing her so much pain. As it isn't your request for support that causes her pain, but that the affair itself is no longer a secret - which is what she wants.
Last edited by Ariel; 05/02/17 07:55 AM.