Hi Sisyphus ~

quote:
Perhaps he can learn, change, and grow. The questions are, can you stand to be there and face the uncertainty while he tries to do it? And will you be able stand fast if he backslides?

The question is - is he actually learning, changing, and growing? I have my doubts. IF he is, the answer to your question is honestly, I don't know. Steve had advised me to go to Plan B while he was "changing and growing" because he said that the damage from mistakes and backslides would destroy any chance of healing our marriage.

OvrCs ~ I'm not offended. Yeah, I'd love to truly be in control of my life right now - as you pointed out, my trust in God isn't really there. How can I trust God when I don't even know what He wants from me right now? I have no clue if I am doing what He wants, or if it's what I want.

I don't trust me, I don't trust my H, and I don't trust God. That's the honest to goodness truth.

I am terrified of trying to POJA with a man who simply sees everything from the angle of control. As a raging co-dependent, I have major problems with trying to be in control - but that's not really my concern here, and I'm not really in a battle with my H over control - it's a war that he is carrying on in his own head with me - without consulting me!

Let me give an example of what I am talking about: 9 months before we got married...my H had sex with another woman. "We" had been waiting for marriage, and we were both virgins, until he cheated. When we got married - oh dear - both of our lives were so out of control and both of us were children. I was so desperate for his love and affection - I was scared and hurt and definitely not over his "cheating". I needed reassurance. We had a one room apartment outside the navy base he was stationed at. Night after night, I'd sit in bed (we had no sofa) and beg for him to just sit and spend time together, to be affectionate and to pay attention to me. I'd usually go to sleep in tears, while staring at the back of his head - he was on the computer playing games.

Several months ago, he brought that time up - and apologized. He told me that he saw my need for affection and my requests for attention as an effort to control him, and that he intentionally ignored me so that I wouldn't gain control over him.

We tried to reconcile this marriage this last December-March. I had all of my apologies, or expressions of love or respect or appreciation thrown back in my face. I wrote him a long letter, after a very thoroughly moral inventory of my own behavior in our marriage, taking responsibilty for things I had done that harmed him. I was told that it was ALL manipulation and lies - in an effort to control him.

He's completely paranoid that someone will "control" him.

When I asked him about wanting to reconcile now, AGAIN, after all this crap we have been through, his answer was that he wanted to see his children more, and that he didn't want me to move away.

His idea of divorce was that we'd use the same lawyer, live down the street from each other, and be 'friends'. When I insisted on my own attorney (he never got one of his own) and went forward with my plans to move near family for support....I was trying to "control" him.

Honestly, I am guilty of trying to control him in the past. I've apologized many times and worked my a$$ off at changing my behavior. I thought that I've done a pretty damn good job too. I'm beginning to understand that my H thinks that "consequences" means "someone controlling him".

Somehow, like a kid, he thinks that consequences and actions are unrelated. The whole cause and effect thing goes out the window when talking to him.

Bleah, woah, where did all of this come from? I guess I'm just really doubting my whole decision and scared to death.

I do think he really DOES mean to make this work. I just don't think that he has the skills or the ability to do so. And I'm just way too damaged.

Sheryl ~ I think yours is the best advice. My brain is starting to do that spinning out of control thing again...time to decide not to go there right now....

(((hugs)))

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Pain is a given, misery is optional.