Hey guys,
I very patiently and calmly told WH that I felt like he was hiding something by changing his voicemail code, and not telling me. So, WH told me the code, and he said "But everytime you access my voicemail, you will have to leave your name and time. That way I will know when you get into my voicemail."
Ugh! So now I will feel stupid everytime I check, and since I'm the only one who checks, he'll know it's me even if I don't leave my name. Which means he's probably trying to erase everything before I can ever get to it.
What do yall think?
Ugh!!!
KK

KK Check on the hour, every hour, the stupid feeling will wear off through the sheer drudgery [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Just kidding, random checks are best. Even no checking for a couple days while he feels motivated to delete, then check intensively for a bit.<p>Why feel stupid? You asked for the code so you can check, you will/are checking--it's very logical and he should expect it.<p>Next time you have to run to the grocery store, ask to have his cell phone so if he thinks of anything he needs there, he can call you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Yes, I'm creatively sneaky.<p>I think one of the ways I finally realized my H was being good was when his sense of humor kicked in and he found my behavior a little funny, rather than completely frustrating.

Lor is 100% correct. When mine finally revealed his passwords, he did so relunctantly. Even tried to 'blame me or make me feel guilty'. I did neither. <p>Told him it was a requirement for living in our home. He retorted, well, you didn't give me your password to your e-mail. I said you can have it anytime you want. He has never asked for it. <p>I learned to take the hot air out of his huff. Makes life much easier. He has calmed down quite a bit. <p>Oh yea, then he forgot he did this and I found 1 e-mail to the OW. That sent him out the door. Since then he has been good. Either good at hiding or just plain good. I tend to think the later since his hiding makes him very grumpy and he has been more chipper lately. I periodically ask 'is there anything I need to know?' and then later ask if there has been 'any type of communication at any level?'<p>Know that these questions can pop out at any time of the day or night, the novelty of blaming me quickly wore off. Now he seems to resolved to not playing the blame game and I have learned not to ask soo much and just give more of that 'look' that turns heads and makes him go hm......<p>L.

Orchid:<p>"Oh yea, then he forgot he did this and I found 1 e-mail to the OW. That sent him out the door."<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Amazing! Those aliens have interstellar capability, and they can't remember when their abductees give their passwords away!!

Lor and Orchid,
I have tried telling WH what I need as far as the passwords, etc. At first he agreed, then blew up and said that I'd NEVER trust him, even if he handed over everything, so what was the use.
It's only been 3 months, so I guess a lot of this is FOG, when do you think that will wear off?
He tells me he loves me every day, but avoids talking about anything concerning the A.
Ugh!
Thanks for listening
KK

kk2002,
I like that you notice there is progress: that he tell you he loves you every day. Tell him you appreciate that! It is important to point out the good cause there is LOTS of bad things to point out while recovering from an A.<p>It is a process. One day at a time. <p>Yep, check that cell phone! Tell him you are doing it to catch him doing something right, to rebuild trust because you believe in him. NOT to see if he is cheating (hey, whatever works!)<p>Here is a recent incident I went through (and read my signature line!)<p>Another trigger is my H use to spend a lot of time on the computer - chatting with OW. Of course back then, in my naivity I just thought he was on the computer. Well a couple of weeks ago my H told me in advance, I just want you to know I am going to use the computer tonight and I am going to download some songs to CD. I thanked him for his honesty and for him using care with our marriage and considering it may be a trigger - so he told me BEFORE the trigger even happened. That meant a LOT! <p>Then recently he was downloading more songs but this time he didn't tell me. I sent him an email saying that it was a trigger and I felt insecure that he was on the computer. I also told him 2 things he is doing right that I like about him. He emailed me back and said he was downloading a cd again and he apologized if it hurt me and asked me for suggestions to resolve this. I told him just his reassuring words were enough and that I would play them back in my head the next time he is on the computer. If someone is having an affair or hasn't worked passed the issues my first email would've sent him on the defense. I mean really, in a healthy/happy marriage for someone to be typing on a computer is NOT an issue worth discussing. But with our history, it is a huge issue. The old me would've stuffed those feelings and not shared them with him. <p>Here is my reply to a post on EN titled: What GOOD have you seen in your spouse lately? <p>These he has always done:
Helps with housework
Helps with kids homework
These are the proof we are in recovery that he never did before!:
Kisses me goodbye every morning.
Ask how I am doing every day.
Validates my feelings when I share them.
Nonsexual touches during the day.
Includes me in decision making/planning/conflict resolution.
Listens and responds to me.
Calls me at work.
chitchats with me throughout the day through email.
Initiates and tells me he loves me.
Laughs with me.<p>
UNBELIEVABLE, TRULY UNBELIEVABLE! ALL GLORY AND HONOR TO MY LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST!!

kk ~<p>When my H was no longer lying, his cell phone remained out in the open where I could answer it at anytime, and I also had his password - no silly restrictions.<p>The only reason for protection of privacy in a marriage is to be able to continue behaviors that would upset the other spouse.<p>Trust your gut. Sounds to me that contact is most definitely still occuring.

At one point I was checking my H's email, computer log files, cell messages, and anything else I could think of constantly... several times a day. There were no tracks for him to see that I was doing this. But I felt awful so I told him I was doing it. I explained that I knew it was at a ridiculous level but that it was what I needed to feel safe. I could tell that at times he was uncomfortable with it. But said to not feel bad about it, he’d earned it. As time goes on, I did it less and less because it’s not worth the effort. There is nothing there that is out of hand. Now I check things about every other week. <p>We have laughed about my obsession but we both understand my need for it. <p>Does your H understand and agree to the concepts of Radical Honesty and no privacy in marriage? <p>Do you check his messages remotely or do you do it directly from his phone. Just curious as to why checking the messages are time stamped.

Iluvandprotectme, Zorweb, and BrambleRose,
No, WH will not agree and the no privacy and radical honest issues. I don't know what to do at this point. We had a huge blowout about it last night that lasted 4 hours, exhausting. We cannot agree on anything!
I'm a little down about that today, oh well, time will tell.
I appreciate your responses and understanding.
KK