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Need reassurance!<p>Little Background: H had EA for 10+ months(probably longer if truth is known); I found out via cellphone messages and confronted him. (D-Day 6/9/01) He rode fence for several months; denied physical relationship; said was easy sorce of attention, blah. blah, blah! Finally came back to me (or at least I think he did) 11/26/01, and confessed PA, answered lots of my questions, etc). Things were great for 6 weeks--not a real long healing time. Then OW phoned me one night(1/10/02) to say they were together and that's where he wanted to be. I spoke to him on the same phone and he said would be home in 30 minutes. Did not hear from him again for another 2 1/2 hours--this was at 12:50 a.m. Since that night I have been right back to square one, not trusting, accusing, pulling cell phone bills, etc. It is soooo hard to stop looking because everytime I pull a phone bill, there are calls to OW, whom he works with everyday, and several are outside normal workhours. Two days after the Jan. incident, I told him that if we were going to work through this, he would have to cut off all contact outside of regular work hours. He feels that is impossible; she is an admin. manager and they have regular interaction with work. He contends that they are talking about things going on at work--revamping of the practices, etc. <p>I am so hurt that he just continues to do what I have asked to be stopped and then expects me to be the one begging him back--we've been separated since 1/25/02. I feel I have tried being nice, civil, and to meet his needs, even when he called me several times late in the evening wanting to come over for S**. My counselor now says I should be treating him as if we're divorced; so I try that. It works for a few days, then I get weak and feel that just maybe he really wants to try just because he does something nice for me; i.e. fixes my washer, air conditioner, invites me to go eat with him and the kids. Just last night, he called at 9:30 p.m. wanting to come over and when I said no, he said I made the biggest mistake of my life (now he has said that about 20 times already). He then called back at 2:30 a.m. and said he couldn't sleep because he had so much sexual tension built up and that he thinks I should consider this an effort on his part. I'm sorry but I just don't see meeting his sexual desires right now as any effort other than selfishly on his part. I have told him maybe asking me out on a date would be a good start with no expectation of anything in return--but he says we cannot even have a civil conversation so how can we spend time together. I held strong last night and am proud of that. However, we were on the phon until 5:30 a.m. and I heard all about how I haven't met his needs for so long.<p>Question is where do I go from here? I guess I am trying to Plan B him so that he can reflect on himself and what all has really happened. But he says he is lonely--too bad! He has also stated that I am wrong about thinking there is something going on with OW still and that I just have to decide to trust him and believe in him at some point. There have been numerous other incidents happen which cause me to suspect something. How can I trust him? I would appreciate any encouragement or suggestions that others might feel will help. I would seriously like to think that our M can still be saved, but it's really looking grim. He cannot even meet the need I have for him cutting off contact with OW, so why would he care about other needs I have...<p>[ June 25, 2002: Message edited by: dmand2trust ]</p>
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You are not SUPPOSED to trust him, and the demand that you do is evidence that the A is ongoing. Those who have nothing to hide do not demand trust, they earn it by exposing themselves and demonstrating that they are trustworthy.<p>He is doing a real number on you. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated. If you step back, you will see what he is doing, and how you are trying to meet him halfway and give him the benefit of the doubt and all that and how he is using that to his greatest advantage.<p>There is currently no R going on between the two of you. What I see when I read your description is a predator and his prey. I have been the prey, and when I look back now, I cannot believe I allowed myself to be manipulated as much as I was. What always trips us up is our desire to believe that the person we once knew is in there somewhere, so we respond as we would to him, but he is not there right now, and that has to be accepted.<p>The only thing to do is to treat him as you would any other man wanting to have a R with you. Would you be available for another man's booty calls? Your attitude should be one of value, that you are a prize to be won. Let your attitude show that you would love to have a R with him as soon as he has ended contact FOR LIFE with the OW (his current R taking priority over you). There is no "us" to talk about right now. He is living separately from you. He is in an ongoing A.<p>Fast forward for a minute--do you think you will EVER be comfortable with the two of them working so closely together, even IF that was all it was? He is only going to value you as much as you value yourself. Don't sell yourself short. He is just like any other suitor at this point in time. What has he done to earn your trust?<p>Be pleasant, be friendly, be fun to be around, but always remember he does not own you and is not entitled to you. Plan A is about addressing YOUR failures and shortcomings in the M. Now, in light of that, did you trust him too much or not enough?<p>I don't know how anyone else would handle it, but if he is moved out and still in contact with the OW, then I believe the best way to handle it is to see him as the father of your children and nothing more. If you actually WERE divorced, and the washer repairman hung around a little after fixing your washer talking about how he made the biggest mistake of his life, blah, blah, and all sorts of other personal revelations and then he later called you in the middle of the night to tell you about his sexual tension building up, how would you respond?<p>Your H has earned no more status with you than a washer repairman that I can see. There is no need to snoop or take his word for anything. Unless and until HE decides to follow the extraordinary precautions from SAA and PROVE to YOU that he is not having an A, then your anxiety will remain high. Accept where he is right now, so that he will accept it and face it and perhaps wonder if that's where he wants to be.<p>Be a great date, neighbor, friend, but keep it at YOUR comfort level. Unless you want to be part of a harem, then hold out for what you want. Be the woman you would be if you were starting all over again (you are!). Picture how you would be if another man were courting you. Don't compromise on the basics.<p>If he lays it on thick and maintains that nothing's going on, just say: Regardless, as long as she is in your life, you are unable to offer me the security I need for a more intimate R. I'll be able to consider a more intimate R with you when she is no longer a part of your life.<p>If that is your bottom line, then you have nothing to lose by letting him know that. Be sure you value yourself enough to back it up though, or there's no point.
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If you step back, you will see what he is doing <hr></blockquote><p> You go girl!!! That is so true Conqueror. Dmand, Reread what you just posted, and pretend I posted it about my husband. What advice would you give me? Would you tell me to play Mama to my husband and try to heal all of his hurts for him, or would you tell me that it's time for my husband to grow up and accept that there are consequences for his actions? What would you tell your daughter (if you have one) if she were in the same situation? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
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To Conqueror and jamup:<p>Thanks so much for your replies; this is what I'm looking for is support for ME. It's true, I would not let any other suitor treat me like this. He just keeps pooring it on and when it gets so thick about how he is reeeaaaching out to me in this way, and he admits it may be the wrong effort but at least it's an effort--his words, I get weak. So I need to stay strong and continue to emphasize that I am very interested in more, BUT only when she is out of his life for good, and he is willing to demonstrate that.?<p>jamup, you are so right about me trying to step out of the picture and look at as if it were you or my own daughter (and yes I have two very special girls, ages 6 and 5). There is now way I would advise her to continue in this relationship knowing what has gone on.<p>Thanks again, and I will continue to try to believe in myself and be strong!<p>dmand
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Hey everyone! Just wanted to update my post in hopes of receiving some support. WH presentd me with D-papers in early May and I finally found time and the ability to allow my attorney to respond. Is that a step in the right direction? I don't know. Maybe it is me finally accepting this as the current state of our relationship.<p>H continues to be civil-asked me to go out to eat with him and the children on his nights last week; conversation was held mostly to what's happening with the kids. He also called me at 12:30 a.m. on Th to say how sorry he was that things are ending up the way they are; and that he is in one house in bed and I am in the other. I was basically nonresponsive.<p>The previous week, I dressed up as if I was going out on T when he picked up the kids. He was all curious about where I was going and who with. And when I wouldn't openly tell him, he got all ticked and said he didn't have to be civil to me either and how I knew his whereabouts most of the time. That is so untrue because on the nights he doesn't have the kids, I have zero contact with him. I din't have squat to do that night and feel strange doing this sort of thing. But he has told me he is through and is not turning back and doesn't care about me in the least. So what difference does it make to him what I do!<p>I am lost here! I don't think I ever have truly tried Plan A, i.e. to meet his needs and work on me. I have just continued to suspect and snoop and confront him in hopes of being honest; and continue to remind him that in January I asked him to cut off all outside-of-work contact with OW and obviously he hasn't done that. His response now has changed to "We've been separated since late Jan. so it's none of your business what my cell phone shows."<p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I am considering doing telephone consulting with Steve--does anyone have any comments on that? I know I should continue to concentrate on me and what I have done to damage our relationship. Beyond that should I make any attempts to be with him; should I go to dinner with him and the kids when he asks or pretend as if I have other plans, whether I do or not? Should I Plan B him, with little contact except about the kids? I do admit I use excuses (usually something re: the house) to call him at opportune times to find out if he's home and usually he isn't. The later he'll tell me he was working.<p>Thanks for any replies!<p>Dmand
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It's 9:57 p.m. and WH is here sleeping in recliner after fixing my sprinkler system this evening and eating take-out here with the kids and I. I'm considering meeting that all important physical need, or at least offering, as this is apparently an area he has always felt we were lacking (what man doesn't?!). So do I do it or hold firm?<p>Anybody out there with words of wisdom?
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Hey there, I was just going through your post, hopefully you're still on here. It sounds like you were doing pretty strong. I know how hard it is, trust me, you try to have zero contact, then they start treating you nicer, you find ways to keep the contact going, you push, he pulls, zero contact, and let it recycle over and over. In my opinion, if he is still having contact with the OW, do not meet that se*ual need of his. Is he meeting any of your needs right now? Focus on yourself, be strong, hang tough. Don't feel guilty if you don't do this, especially if you know he may get his "need" met by OW soon. You may feel "used" if you do this. Focus on you, treat him nicely, but have respect for yourself. <p>((Hugs))!!
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Thanks, Going Crazy.<p>I didn't get to read your post until today. And yes I did meet his "need" last night. It was at my initiation and he at first said he better just go. Was I right or was I wrong--who knows. At least I feel that he has some interest still. And OW is not the type to put up with this if there is something there still. But she will probably never know he was here, unless they are talking from his house at nights?<p>He's coming tonight to see the kids at their last swim lesson and we'll probably spend some time together again. I just can't figure out if I should do this or not. You asked if he is meeting any of my needs. He is more than willing to be civil and help me with things around the house that go wrong, which I have always depended on him for. He is a very fix-it type person. Just last night as I think I said, he was more than willing to go get the part for the sprinkler and repair it. He has also taken the responsibility of bathing the kids on Sunday evenings when he has had them for the weekend. This has always been a complaint of mine, because he would just sit in his chair watching TV while I attended to cleaning up any dinner mess, bathing our three kids (which are now 6,5, and 2), and getting them to bed, which at these ages can be an ordeal; i.e. stories, potty, drinks, etc. His role consisted of holding them on his lap for a short time while he watched HIS TV programs.<p>I know I sound like I just keep blaming everything on him. I admit I am not perfect, either as a wife or a mother. But I expected to have a mate who would be here as a partner in the parenting of our children. Maybe I have just approached him in the wrong ways. I see other fathers who have much more hands-on time with their young children and it seems to ease the mom's tension.<p>I'm rambling now. This is all so hard and I don't think I can stand to be hurt again by going forward meeting his needs and then find out that he continues to have contact of a personal nature with OW. I just don't know and have no concrete evidence of what is going on there. I just know that everyday they work together, not that an affair is going on at work, but just that he can remain friendly with this person who threatened to be pregnant by him when he broke it off last Nov. and then had the nerve to call me up in Jan. to start S*** between us. IMO he should hate her as much as I do and there would be no contact of any kind outside of work hours. And yet I know that is not the case. <p>So do I Plan A or Plan B? Breathe in, breathe out and take one day at a time? And keep praying! After all that's all we can do. Right?<p>Dmand
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Wow, I really wish you would have got my post because it seems like its eating you up inside. You're thinking to yourself so many questions? "Does this mean he wants me" "Or did he just want s*x? "Is he going to tell other OW? "If she finds out, what will she do?<p>But if he is still involved with her, you are allowing yourself to be "convenient" for him, and I'm concerned about him saying he should leave at first and where his thoughts were<p>The questions go on and on,I know how hard it is, you just want go grab your husband, turn him upside down and shake those loose screws out of his head!<p>Please focus on yourself, the rambling questions in your head will drive you insane. A few months ago I passed a church billboard, and it read "Worry is a waste of your imagination". When my mind starts to wonder, I remember that quote. Read 1 Peter: Ch3, be a woman of awe and purity. You can be submissive without being a doormat. Show him you are a wonderful, strong woman, do not be needy, in my experience, it backfires.<p>To Plan A or Plan B, that is such a hard decision, have you spoken to a counselor yet? If you decide to go to Plan B, make sure you have had strong Plan A with no lovebusters. If you start no contact, leave him with a good impression.<p>Have you ever taken the "Emotional Needs Questionaire" and answered the questions from your husband's perspective, really thinking hard on what he would say? That is advice that Steve H. gave me during a counseling session. It really made me think.
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