Today, about 5 months since the end of his A, my WH spit on the OWs car as he left work. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] What's that about? He says he can't stand her, doesn't want to be around her, gets sick when he has to hear her, but this is the first time he's done anything ugly toward her. Oh, he's been distant and unwilling to talk to her, but what's with the spitting? He said she won't notice it, so I suppose it is somehow symbolic. Any ideas? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know he probably resents her for more than the A. Because now, he can't even enjoy horsing around with his other male co-workers, picking, teasing, talking with them. Because SHE demands to be the center of attention, and HE can't stand being removed to the sidelines - especially by her. Your thoughts?

Sounds to me like he is mad about being on the sidelines. He was probably the center of attention and now he isn't. OW gets all the attention he feels he deserves. The fellow workers may be flirting with her and she responds. So he may be jealous. My Husband was jealous of OW after they called it off because 2 months later she became serious with someone else at the workplace. They broke it off because I was getting ready to expose them, I waited several months to gather plenty of good proof, and then he came home one day and confessed. He admitted the jealousy because she was interested in him and no longer showed interest. Sounds similar to me. How did he feel about her before he disrespected her property? Was he protective and felt that she had done nothing wrong, but now shows interest in everyone but him. Or did she seduce him into an affair, it ends, and now he sees her for the B she really is. Because she is now trying to make him jealous by being the center of attention. He will get over it. I think that I would be happy my H spit on the OW car. To me that is better than him protecting and defending her.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Was he protective and felt that she had done nothing wrong, but now shows interest in everyone but him. <hr></blockquote><p>He never defended her. A few times when I got really "down" on her, he would remind me that it wasn't only her that did wrong. He was at fault too. That's the closest he EVER got to defending her, and I'm not sure I would call that defending.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The fellow workers may be flirting with her and she responds. <hr></blockquote><p>Actually, she's the one flirting. And even while they were having their A (EA with a little petting and kissing, broke off when she pressed him for sex) she was still flirting with all of the other men. She's the only woman out there, so she can pretty much get all of the attention.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Or did she seduce him into an affair, it ends, and now he sees her for the B she really is. Because she is now trying to make him jealous by being the center of attention. <hr></blockquote><p>He definitely sees her for the B she really is, and as each day passes, he sees it more and more. While reading your post I thought of one more thing - About a month after D-Day, I mentioned that it wouldn't be long until she started up with one of the other men because all she was in it for was risky sex. At that time, he seemed to doubt it because he didn't think any of the other men would be attractive to her [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] (his ego talking). Well, guess what. She's so hot and heavy into two of the other guys, and they are so hot and heavy into her that I think my WH's feelings may be hurt. Or maybe his eyes are just opening wider and wider each day to reality.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Sounds to me like he is mad about being on the sidelines. He was probably the center of attention and now he isn't. <hr></blockquote><p>I have a real feeling that this is at the root of it. He's the one who did right by breaking off the A. (although it should have never happened). He's been there over 10 years, she's been there 1 and he feels like his coworkers (who he thought were his friends), have betrayed him for her. I told him several months ago that she might try to do this as revenge. To show him that she has control. Their entire A was about her controlling him (although he went along like a lost puppy). Now she's controlling his environment. He says sometimes when she's doing her talking, flirting etc with the other men, she'll look at him (standing off by himself) like, see what a good time you are missing by not being willing to come get close to me. <p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] One good thing, her behavior along with his co-worker's will probably make him more eager to transfer as soon as possible than if she were behaving more appropriately. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Also, it makes him sick to see these other men being sucked in by her, fooled by her. He had one co-worker mention that he didn't think she was "like that" when they were having a discussion about women being promiscuous. Made my WH sick that they are that blind to her potential because at one time he was too. He also thought she would not be capable of being "like that" at one time. He's not [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] (blind) anymore!!

Based upon what I've read, I would find high emotion of any type suspect. In that article "Shattered Vows", she talks about one of the hallmarks of recovery being that both the BS and WS have a more realistic view of the OP, not overly angelic and wonderful and not an awful villain--just someone who has good qualities and bad qualities just like everyone else. So, based on that, I'd be more comfortable with a neutral attitude than a disdainful one.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> she talks about one of the hallmarks of recovery being that both the BS and WS have a more realistic view of the OP, not overly angelic and wonderful and not an awful villain--just someone who has good qualities and bad qualities just like everyone else. So, based on that, I'd be more comfortable with a neutral attitude than a disdainful one. <hr></blockquote><p>Thanks Conqueror, I was looking for some input from resources some of you have read. I wonder if I'm the one that has made him this disdainful. He's held a more neutral attitude than I throughout this ordeal, and I wonder if he spit on her car for my good. So he could come home, tell me, and win brownie points. At times I am terribly disdainful, and it's hard not to be when she's basically still trying to be available to him. I've mentioned that I'd like to key her car (although I NEVER would) or something like that. I can't stand even having to walk by it. I suppose if he didn't still work with her, I'd be able to move past her and get over her. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I wonder if he needed to spit, saw her car, and thought "I'll do this for Jamup." <p>I asked him why he did it. He said, "Well the more I listen to you and the more what you say proves to be right, the more I hate her." So did he do it for me? Or is he hurt right now because she's turned out to be the person I said she was (b****, wh*re, sl*t, s*x addict, willing to give it anywhere, willing to get it anywhere), instead of the person he thought she was when he was in the fog, and hoped she was when he came out of it (misguided, just made a mistake, damsel in distress, etc)?<p>I mean, imagine how it must make him feel. He nearly lost (and whose to say he still won't) the most precious things to him, his wife and kids for a 2 bit wh*re. And with each passing day he sees more and more of what a wh*re she is as she moves on to other (less desirable than him, in his eyes [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ) fish in the sea. He's very religious, and he knows how wrong what he did was. He's VERY remorseful and is willing to do anything to make it up to me.<p>OH, and by the way, this happened after I had a VERY down spell on the emotional rollercoaster. One where I even talked about maybe we should have never married. How I wondered if God would put 2 people together if they couldn't be faithful to each other. He may be a little nervous about where I'm going to go from here, and took it out on her?!? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

jamup,<p>Hopefully this is a stage he needs to go through to get to the point where he can see her as "not an awful villain". There are many stages to any type of healing/recovery. Some of them are not pretty at times.<p>This type of emotional reaction is one of the reasons it's best for there not be no more contact at all. Your H is faced daily with the turmoil he caused. It may be very hard for him to move on.<p>Is there any way your H can find another job, one that makes him feel really good about?

Hmmmm my H has developed anger towards the XOW too, but I guess that has more to do with some stuff we found out no long ago that she did to him just out of having "fun". <p>She did terrible things that she'd write on a word document and the silly bunny forgot the disk it was stored in at my H's old office, now my office. DUH!.<p>But I guess your H is starting to see all the hurt they both did, and he kinda feels she's walking away without a scratch and that makes him angry. I know it would make me angry :-P

Zorweb, I agree that no contact is best. I see reasons for it on both sides of the fence. For me and for him.<p>I talked to him about this situation this morning. He says he is not jealous, he is not upset really about being on the sidelines because if being in the game means being around her, then he doesn't care to play. <p>What he did say was that he is frustrated with her continuing to interfere in our relationship. This is not because of something she's done, it's because I still have hangups because of her. I still go into depression because of what she's done. (and he's done too, but I've forgiven him, so I'm not as hard on him now as I am her). I need to forgive her, but find it hard with her still in the picture. (agree with comment on no contact!!!) I'm still in competition with her. I've told WH I feel like I'm competing, he said, no you aren't, she's not even in the running. I said as long as she's able to flaunt in front of you, cast glances your way, etc. she's competing with me for you. Therefore, I'm constantly in competition with her!!<p>How I wish there were something else he could do for a living around here!!!

I've been thinking about my thread title. I'm not sure if what he's dealing with is anger, or extreme disgust. How does the emotion of disgust fit in to healing and moving on?<p>p.s. I came home early to find my H cleaning my carpets. He had gone to town and rented a Rug Doctor and was cleaning for me. Isn't that so SWEET!! See what I mean about him trying to do what is right to make the marriage work!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I had to go through many different emotions about ow before I finally made it out. At first I was hurt, then angry, then mad again, I loved her , couldn't live without her, wanted to see her suffer, hated her , she would call ,I would love her again. Two years of hell. She would see me online and tell me she missed me and then see me again and say she was talking to another man.

One thing I do believe in is the no contact.
It's the only thing that worked for me. In my opinion, he talks about her too much so he's thinking about her too much, if he is spitting on her car, to me, that's saying he still cares.
This is just my thoughts but I think he needs to be away from her.

I finally feel nothing for the ow and it's nice.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> In my opinion, he talks about her too much so he's thinking about her too much <hr></blockquote><p>The main reason he has to think about her is because I keep bringing her up. URGH! And the reason I keep bringing her up is because she still has contact with him, even if it IS just seeing each other at work. I asked him this afternoon how many times he thought about her today. He said she hadn't crossed his mind until I mentioned her. I force him to answer questions about her, what he thinks of her, what she's done or is doing, etc. Therefore he has to think of her in order to placate me. The continued contact is a 2 edged sword. It cuts me by not allowing me to get "past" her, and it cuts him because I keep bringing her up, therefore making it where our marriage can't get past her either. UGH!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Jamup ....<p>What I've been told is "Hate is not the opposite of Love .... Indifference is".<p>I tend to agree with OnlyHuman. Is there any way your H can change jobs? The contact he is exposed to reignites feelings, regardless if they seem like angry feelings .. they are still feelings. You want him to feel nothing for her, and with no contact that will happen sooner. <p>IMHO .. I would try and have as little conversations about her with your H, every time her name is menioned it triggers your H to think of her ... takes him back a step or two. The less her name or any reference of her is mentioned, the better it is for your recovery.<p>Try and stayed focused on your marriage and rebuilding, OW was just a symptom ... to help make OW disappear from your thoughts, concentrate on meeting one another's ENs. Keep focused on you and him, OW does not pay rent for that space in your thoughts ... evict her for good.<p>Love,
Jo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> IMHO .. I would try and have as little conversations about her with your H, every time her name is menioned it triggers your H to think of her ... takes him back a step or two. The less her name or any reference of her is mentioned, the better it is for your recovery. <hr></blockquote><p>Sounds like good advice. There are times I do better at this than others. I still ask every morning when he calls from work, and every evening when he comes home, it he had any contact with her. According to the Harley's this is a must. I guess I need to try to leave it at that. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I think sometimes I question him about her just to see where he stands on his feelings for her. I guess after 5 months of "I can't stand her, I don't want to be around her, etc." I should quit asking so much. I'll try. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I know you feel like you have to bring OW up to help you deal with the situation. But, he can't get on with his relationship with you if you keep reminding him of what he has done. If he is truly sorry and is trying to change things for the better, don't punish him by reminding him of his A. He is reminded with lots of hurt and pain often enough.

Thanks Hurricane, Nice to have you here. Jamup

I just hope I can help you deal with the pain in any way possible. I'm hurting, too!!

I am in the same situation, it's been 14 weeks for me and I still bring up the OW too. <p>Same thing, my H says he hates her for contacting him after all of these years. (EA with HS friend) <p>Lots of great advise, I am going to use some of it myself. I just want to move on and not have this as part of my daily life. I know it will never be forgotten but, I do want it with me daily either.