I am stuck in an emotional affair. It has been going on for years, but intensely for 2 years. I can't get my mind off this other man (OM). I've tried everything. We talk some, email some. Both committed to our marriages FOREVER. But I just love being emotionally connected to him. He understands me and gives me the strokes I need. <p>I go weeks even months once without contact, then I cave in. I ask for forgiveness over and over. Then I fall again. I've confessed to my counselor, my husband, and the OM. It helped for quite some time, but I'm back in the emotional affair again. Counselor said don't contact him again, but we work together. <p>How do I stop wanting to dwell on this OM? How do I get past this? At first it was because I wasn't getting my EN's met by my H. We counseled and H and I learned to meet needs but I still want the OM. HELP! I turn to God then I fall again. When I have fallen I mostly want to stay in my emotional affair and not stop. It may be one-sided, maybe not. I love my H deeply, but basically I have this addiction. I can't stop thinking about the OM. I'm not even sure I want to stop. I am very sexually attracted to him also, but don't want to be. HELP!<p>I know you are gonna say, it's about my relationship with my H. It's also about my past. HELP! Do any other women have this problem? I feel alone.<p>I'm sitting here trying not to email him, HELP!<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: foreverhis ]</p>

I wish I had advice for you, but don't email him. Talk to me instead if you need something to distract yourself.<p>
Please.

If you really love your husband deeply, you should think about how hurt he will be when he knows you have once again turned from him to another man, and keep his pain in front of you. If you really love him, why would you continue to do something that would hurt him? It's this that I, as a BS, don't understand about WS behaviour.<p>On this site is something called the Policy of Joint Agreement, which is part of building a strong marriage which is able to resist the temptations of affairs - emotional and physical attachments to other people. I would say you should put this policy into place with your husband - and if you are using a private e-mail account, or work account - give your husband your passwords. It sounds like you recognize this as an addiction - so you need help to keep you clean - openness and honesty are the cornerstones of a healthy marriage. You have confessed, which is good, but unless you have real openness and honesty between you, which means access to each other's e-mail accounts and cell phones and credit card bills, you still have the secretive climate in place which allows you to engage in this kind of behaviour. Change this and it will make you stronger together.<p>Ask yourself if your husband were standing next to you, would you write the e-mail to your "friend". I don't think so - so let your husband stand at your shoulder to support you. The goal of marriage-building for all of us is a happy life together - for some of us, youth - into middle age, and ultimately old age together with all the fruits that can bring. Married people are together to take care of each other throughout their lives - not just to get out of each other what they think they need. <p>Are you taking care of your husband by e-mailing this other man? Are you creating a marriage where you are being taken care of?<p>Look at the Policy of Joint Agreement. And come back here for help in staying strong enough to change what is destroying your marriage. I have found a lot of positive support here, so I encourage you to do the same.<p>My husband is someone who thinks he is entitled to emotional affairs - it has destroyed all trust between us - it's a poison that seeps through a marriage and turns it into a sea of lies.<p>Hope this helps.
Odile

Foreverhis<p>I had an EA for 4 years with a former lover that lived 2500 miles away. I had many emotional crutches with that person who gave me advise, support, and the ego stroke of loving me always.(I knew her as an off-and-on lover and a life-long friend for almost 20 years before I was married). I have not had any contact for over 2 1/2 years now and I have reached the point where I don't think of it at all, if rarely. After my EA was discovered and I was finally clear of all the baggage of my past, I decided to live by one simple rule when making decisions about both people and situations in my life, and that is: <p>Before I decide to act on anything I ask myself, "Does this make my life more simple or more complicated?" "Will this enhance my life in a good way or will it ultimately bring harm to myself or my family?"<p>I apply this to not only to my relationships with other people, but in almost everything, including major purchases, etc. You would be amzed at simply and easily you can make clear comfortable decisions about most things in your life when you examine it in this way. The answers and choices become so much clearer for you.<p>As difficult as it is for you to break your emotional ties with this OM, you must stop. There is no weaning away from it. I too had times when I went weeks or months without contact, but always felt compelled to call once again. Only counseling helped me get to the bottom of the emotional crutch and dependency I had on this person. I don't miss it now, and actually, looking back, I can see where I was deflating and devaluing myself as person by continuing the contact. Continued contact meant I was incapable of making decisions on my own, that I somehow couldn't get along without the OP in my life. Today, I feel stronger than ever and more confident in myself than I ever have. The cloud is lifted. The fog is gone. You do not NEED this person in your life as you may think that you do. Get counseling for yourself and get to the bottom of what is compelling you so much in maintaining this EA. Your H knows? Then he will probably be more than willing to help you in this process. You must make a commitment to yourself and to your M to stop this EA. It can be done. Pray for strength and guidance. I send a pray out to you as well. God Bless and Good Luck.<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</p>

foreverhis,
I can relate 100% to your situation. I'm in the very same spot. I had a 2 year EA with a man I worked with. I changed jobs after a year, and it took another year to finally stop contact...it's been a month since we were in touch. But like you, I have a good marriage, I adore and love my H, we get along great, like each other, laugh, love, etc..I fell in love with the OM when my guard was down and my marriage was not going well. Well, my H has stepped up to to plate and it keeps getting better. Even though I felt like I had fallen totally and completely in love with the OM, I never fell out of love with my H...post here, and I will post back. I'm still working through this but have done so well. This group has been very helpful to me. (Often, I realize how incredibly lucky I am, so many people have such worse situations, I realize that I really shouldn't blow it, or I could end up just like them!) <p>Tell us more, I'd love to be helpful and supportive. I know how hard it is. Ending my EA was the very, very hardest personal challenge I have ever taken on...I quit drinking 9 years ago and that was a piece of cake in comparison to this...hang in there, be stong. You can write me, ashirely1@hotmail.com.

odile, BlindSided, ashirley, micheleD,<p>Wow, such awesome advice from all of you. I feel so grateful and like someone really cares about me and ridding myself of this mess. Thank you all. <p>I didn't email him last night. I just sat at my comuter crying and praying. God heard me and kept me from clicking on the OM's name. We hardly ever phone -- just talk in person and email lots. I confessed all this to the OM ten months ago. See, we never express our feelings for one another in so many words, so I wasn't sure then what he thought was on my mind, and I definately wasn't sure what he thought of me. I had a pretty good idea he was pretty favorable toward me tho. But, as the fine Christian man he is, he graciously accepted my confession. He said he'd known for quite some time and did not return any expression of feelings for me. He also contacted my counselor with my permission (who I had told months before) to keep me accountable. I agreed at that time to never email him again (agreed to counselor, OM and H). That lasted 8-12 weeks, then as the work emails increased, it became increasingly hard for me to separate work from personal conversation. And now these past two months, since the OM thinks I'm doing "just fine", we are emailing again. Honestly, even tho to keep his name "clean" and to keep his high standing reputation at work (which is at our church) and as a Christian he said he had NO feelings, etc., my counselor insists that he enjoys it or he wouldn't email me back with such personal emails and with such compliments. She's right.<p>My counselor is retiring and also, her treatment hasn't helped me. PLUS she knows each of us (me and the OM) personally, which has made this even harder. I am convinced I must find a new counselor. I am addicted to the OM's emotional admiration.<p>You guys have shown me I definately need to rid myself once and for all of this. Pray for me -- I need to tell my husband again. It will tear us up for a while, as it did b4. Have much more to say, but have to run for now. Any more suggestions are greatly appreciated. I need encouragement. I'm usually the one giving encouragement -- my spiritual gift. God bless, foreverhis<p>(foreverhis= forever my H's)
(foreverhis= forever my Savior's)

It is very hard when you have an addiction to someone who provides those "emotional strokes".<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Counselor said don't contact him again, but we work together. <hr></blockquote><p>GET A NEW JOB. <p>Then, get your H to be your partner in helping you with this. First, with your H write and send a no-contact letter to OM. Then, give your H your email passwords, and ask him to feel free to check your email whenever he'd like.<p>Kathi

I second kam6318:<p>GET A NEW JOB. <p>And the rest of her post. How do you do it Kathi? Pithy, succinct, right on the bullseye. <p>No contact. Ever. And what kam6318 said, all of it. Your job isn't worth trading for a solid marriage.

In my feeble attempt to be vauge enough not to be recognized on this board -- it messed up the way advice is given.<p>We don't work for money together at a job. It's church work. I am in charge of a major ministry which uses major equipment -- he's in charge of the equipment. I have finally found this ministry -- it would be so not good to turn this over to someone else as all the info is on my computer and it's not something many would like to do and I just got it off the ground.<p>Give up the ministry? I know -- I can't -- or I just can't imagine myself doing so. I finally feel called to something and can do this as I stay home with my kids -- and be doing something challenging and exciting to me and something very important to our church body.<p>I'm making excuses, hugh? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I'm disappointed in myself. I began writing a few mins ago and realized that the OM is the first person in my life to compliment me on the good job I am doing and to appreciates me (or at least tells me).<p>In Him, foreverhis

So, working on this ministry is worth ruining your M, your peace of mind, and placing yourself in what has now become an "occasion of sin" (as it causes your mind to linger where it should not)???<p>I'm pretty sure God would not call you to work next to your EA...leave (or else get rid of him and get someone else to do the equipment). I still say leave...<p>Kathi<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>

Kathi -- I KNOW you are right -- I even probably didn't need to come here to figure it out (I've known what to do -- just haven't wanted to let go of sin). foreverhis <p>Father, thank you for these friends, who count my soul dear, even tho they don't know me. I love you Lord, but sure don't show it when I won't give this up and cling ONLY to you. Help me to overcome this stronghold Satan has on my heart and give my whole heart to you and to my H. amen

Hi,<p>From a BW whose Wh is involved in an "A". I know it's at least EA, probably more. I know that I failed my WH needs but he failed mine too and I DID NOT go to anyone else and still haven't even through this 3 year battle.<p>I cannot be there for him as long as he runs to "OW". He can't see my for who I am and what we have and can still be.....(I seem to be the only one seeing that, right now). <p>PLEASE........"STOP ALL CONTACT"!!!!!! DO IT NOW!!!!!! Through all your efforst into your own spouse....."GOD WANTS ALL MARRAIGES TO THRIVE"... Please don't be the one that prevents yours or OP's marriage from thriving!!!!!!<p>Couples marital problems are between them and it's them that needs to "work through them together". If OP is there, "emotionally", than the WS is not going to turn to spouse. THEY NEED TO BE TALKING TO SPOUSE and NOT YOU!!!!!!!!<p>If "OW" would just back off, end this, my WH would find a "Wife at home willing to do anything to repair, rebuild and love him more than he could ever know"........<p>While I understand your pain and I do not judge you.......I am a BS sitting here lonely, wanting my WH and knowing "OW" is the one he is turning to "emotionally" if not physically. I need WH emotionally and physically and I need him to need me as well!!!!! I know the pain......DON'T BE THE SOURCE OF PAIN FOR ANOTHER.....<p>((((((HUGS)))))<p>PS: I wish you the happiness you seserve as well!

foreverhis,<p>As I was reading the posts on this thread, a book came to mind " when godly people do ungodly things". In addition to the MB books, you may find this book enlightening. The first section talks about what is going on in the world today. The second is learn how to stay away and the third, is for those who have already....<p>God Bless, you are in my prayers<p>D.

You know I keep coming and reading your posts -- I am not only receiving strength from our Lord and Savior, but from each and every one of you and your encouragement.<p>I AM TAKING YOUR ADVICE. NO CONTACT for 48 hours (that's a record lately). It may not seem like a big deal to you guys, but it is for me. Once I "starve" myself of the OM's emotional affection and support, I know I will naturally turn to my H, as God intends. It's one day (actually one hour) at a time right now. <p>I'll keep coming here when I'm weak. Thanks, foreverhis<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: foreverhis ]</p>

God Bless you, ForeverHis.<p>I pray you will find the strength you need tomorrow and the next to thwart all feelings of addiction to OM.<p>Love,
Jo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>God Bless you, ForeverHis.<p>I pray you will find the strength you need tomorrow and the next to thwart all feelings of addiction to OM.<p>Love,
Jo</strong><hr></blockquote><p>me too

Hi foreverhis,<p>How are you doing today? I'm sorry I haven't checked in. My H just got here from back east. We are moving out there. We have been separated for three months and I've been a bit consumed with that all that is going on with me. Not very supportive, huh?<p>I was thinking of you this morning and wanted to check in on you.<p>Hope all is well. You are in my prayers.

MicheleD,<p>I'm hanging it -- fighting this battle with God at my side -- but having to fight Satan off nearly every minute this morning. 60 hours now with no contact -- that's a BABY step I realize, but that's how I have to start. As I said above, as I begin to starve myself of his love and affection, I will crave my husbands more and more. Sundays are hard, as our families actually sit together -- I know each time I write I unravel another important detail. There's more, but not to be shared on this board. I'm doing surprisingly well without the contact. I will steer clear in the morning and keep my eyes on the one who is the provider of ALL my emotional needs, the Lord.<p>Wow -- where you movin to? I grew up in the northeast. Beautiful place!<p>Don't fret about checking in if you are busy -- I have an email buddy I check in with -- I'm just tired of troubling her with this stuff. (So I thought I'd trouble you guys . . . LOL [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for your concern -- I have a long road, but I am determined to be the best I can be for my husband. foreverhis

Can I ask you something? Does your husband know about this? I strongly suggest that you tell him. He needs to know what you are going through, if he doesn't already.<p>I had a PA and an EA and as hard as it was, told my H. From experience, I know that the EA is much harder to get over. <p>I'm from Southern CA and we are moving to the midwest. I'm terrified to be quite honest with you, but I have to continue to believe that my H knows what he is doing. It's a temporary move, but still extremely difficult. I certainly do not fit the midwest mold. I barely fit the left coast mold. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway, let's stay in touch. Maybe we can support each other through this. Please consider telling your H if you haven't already.<p>M

Michelle D - LOL -- left coast mold!! You will do fine -- it's no California, but the people out there are so nice and so genuine. That's a great thing to have going for you.<p>Everyone - I told my husband a year ago because things were so intense and I had to -- I decided on my own to tell him (and told the OM) to help keep me accountable. It ripped his heart out and ripped our world apart for a long time. Just as we were doing well thru our counseling and all we'd been thru (around 9/01) we went thru something terrible. We have about picked up the pieces from all of that. I've having to tell you this story w/o telling you the whole story. I have been in counselling thru my healing and accountable to my counselor. This past two months I have not been honest with her because I CHOSE to continue "having fun". But during bobbles over the past year, she has advised me not to tell my husband and she has gotten me thru. So I'm struggling w/ that advice. I will wait until I get another opinion to tell him. That's just how I feel right now. Praying lots about this.<p>Michele D - I can't give you my email address here right now, but if you feel called to give me yours go ahead. You are doing the right thing, sticking by your hubby -- that I am sure of!<p>foreverhis<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: foreverhis ]</p>