there is just no other way to put it. i know everyone says, dont go into special occasions with expectations. well how about acknowledging it at all!!<p>great, now on top of everything i cant type or spell im so mad!!!<p>ok, ok, yesterday was 10 yrs ago we met. we have always celebrated this day as an anniversary. he told six year old son about it, so i know he remembered. i especially liked the part of-daddy, why did you follow mommy all around???.....because she WAS beautifull.<p>excuse me... i am still hot.<p>just needed to say that to feel better. anyway i gave him his card and gift yesterday morning. i got us a 3 day trip to montreal. i got nothing!!
no card, no flowers no nothing. he didnt even say anything when he finally strolled in at 11:10 pm. yes on top of it all i spent the whole day alone.
cried myself to sleep last night and woke up pissed.<p>now what??<p>
ps-yes i know he was at work-they all got stuck late.

im so pissed im not done raving yet. i tried to walk away, but that didnt work.<p>nothing has changed as far as his job always being first. i am so tired of living like this. the first mistress i ever dealt with was his job. and im sick of her.<p>i just want to be important to someone that matters. im gonna cry again..gotta go to work anyway.

nikko<p>I am so sorry to hear this! What a terrible blow to get during recovery! You must be asking yourself how he could consciously ignore this special day that you two have always celebrated. Do you think it no longer is special to him? Do you think that he is embarrassed to bring it up because of his personal shame about his A's? Do you feel that he has lost his love for you in any way? No mention of it at all to you? How sad! What did he say, how did he react, when you gave him your gift and card? Is this something that you can bring to him and let him know of your hurt over it? I hope you can perservere through this. You have all of our empathy, sympathy, and support! I'll be watching for you! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hmmm...
Sounds like your H let his job get in the way of this important day and he was totally preoccupied. Either that or completely stressed out. Wonder if he will make it up to you? I'm sure he will try to make it up to you!!! Sometimes men don't think ahead like we do--I know mine doesn't always--so I drop subtle hints days before... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Try not to LB, give him a 2nd chance to make it up! Just wait and see??? <<<nikko>>>

dear blindsided-thanks for the support. if i miss something you said,bear with me, i am so angry. he got up this morning as if nothing...
i want to hit him. he found the time to have a separate life and he couldnt pick up a phone and get flowers?? or a card, how about a kiss on the forehead?? i dont understand. i happened to see cards for his mother and sister for mothers day-so i know he went to the store-what the hell is up with him. this was a huge chance to deposit love in my love bank and nothing. i just want to cry again.<p>when will i get it- i will never be important enough to be first, neither will our marriage. he will do what is convenient for him and thats all. i feel like such a fool. he destroys me and i do everything in my power to make him feel loved and cherished? im starting to think i am nuts.<p>on top of everything else, back around d-day i said to myself i would give this 5 months to see what happens-well guess what yesterday was. deadline day. i know i cant make any decisions in the state of mind im in, however this is not gonna score any points for him.<p>i have to leave for work now- ill be back at 2:00pm. and on top of all this i have a 12 yr old that thinks he is 30 and is making me nuts.

Have you tried talking with him and telling him how you feel? If you haven't, try to do it calmly. Does he know you only wanted to give it 5 months? Maybe it's time to have a discussion about what your expectations are. Does he know if he doesn't try to make it work it's over? Besides this is he trying to work on the marriage?<p>I know with me, my H and I are doing really good. Sometimes he even gets into his comfort zone thinking everything is fine. I don't get mad I just explain to him that even though things are good he still needs to tell me he loves me, keep up with the affection etc. <p>sty

nikko--<p>Have you calmed down yet [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>No? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>OK---take a deep breath...<p>I have the same question as sty---did you talk to him about it? Did you give him a chance to explain?<p>I'm not saying you will feel better but I think it's important to make certain he knows how you feel and just how important all of this is to you. <p>It seems like you two have been making some good progress...try not to throw all that away...but also be true to what is important to you.<p>good luck <p>E

Poor Nikko, I'm so sorry. Hope today is going better. I've had these moments too, although not quite this bad. I usually approach my H with the idea that he has hurt my feelings instead of I'm mad at you. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] versus [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] It seems to help keep my husband from gettin gmad back. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] versus [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] It sounds like your husband is having an "affair" of sorts with his job. His job is filling some EN he has. Admiration, recreational companionship with co-workers (yes you can have fun on the job), whatever. Maybe it's time to talk about those things. Especially if he's trying to work on your marriage with you. Best of wishes to you. Keep your chin up. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

nikko,
You have a lot of support. Listen to them. Let the anger subsides w/ methods that work for you. Major -$$$$$$ but you are in plan A, don't let this one spoil it. IMHO, you have to start learning how to talk to your H. Find a way to express your feeling w/o LB'ed. You have a few choices, leaves some hints a round, we, men, are very dumb. What do your H associate your anniversary w/ ? ... bring it up. Or straight talk to H, set the environment safe, write down what you want to say. Use love language, word pictures, that your husband could understand ... start with I ... and reduced you to nothing and use WE instead. E.G ... I feel very sad 'cause we let our anniversary goes without something special yesterday. I wish we do xxxx like we did in our xxx anninversary. I really happy ... and so on ... NO REFERENCE TO A, no judgement, no anger, no demand.<p>If you don't start heart2heart talk, you will get frustrated. It is time to open up communication.<p>Good luck -RH-

nikko---<p>Are you around?<p>How are you doing?

Nikko,<p>I'm so sorry to hear this, and it's so hard to think of something to say because why bother asking someone to care about you? If he doesn't care, he doesn't care. At least that's the way I've felt in the past when something THIS obvious happens.<p>I remember how I felt last year on our wedding anniversary when I did all this creative stuff for him, not to mention tracking down things that I knew he wanted. With our recent distance from each other (I was just starting to suspect an A back then), I thought this was a golden opportunity to get our M back on track, so I really prepared for it.<p>In the morning, the doorbell rang, and he said, "That's your anniversary present" and gets up to answer the door. I'm thinking it's a delivery of something like flowers, and my mind is racing, thinking how wonderful that he, too, must have decided to make efforts to reconnect. What a dolt I was! It was a crew to install new carpet in the spare bedroom. Granted, he was finishing the job he started converting that room to a sewing room for me, but still. And that's all he ever said other than "thank you" for his presents and card.<p>I kept hoping all day that I'd at least get a conciliatory card like I had gotten him. And it gets worse. The previous year he hadn't gotten me a card either (we were on the outs then, too), but a couple months later, when we were reconnected, he got me a beautifully romantic card and apologized for failing to get it when he should have. So, of course, when this happened the following year, I spent the time between our anniversary and D-day hoping that at least something like that would happen again. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I just don't know what to say when something like this happens. It just seems so elementary to at least get a card for an anniversary, if nothing else. All I can think of is to tell him, "I feel very sad and disappointed that this anniversary was so different from the previous ones. It always meant so much to me when you acknowledged it with a card and gift [mention the specifics about the most recent one he did right]. I was hoping something like that would happen again, and it didn't. I don't feel cared for or valued." [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't see any reason to ask why because there is no acceptable reason to be that inconsiderate.<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

dear everyone-so many replies-i dont know where to begin-thank you so much for the encouragement and advice. ill try to sort this all out and answer all the questions for you all. first off i am a little calmer,not less pissed, just calmer.<p>dear binthere- he always puts the job first-big cause to our previous problems. i dont want a concellation prize either. i wanted to be acknowleded on the day it was. on top of everything i found out he stopped at ap on his way home-huge card department. we should be #1 priority-we are not.<p>dear stronger-no he did not know about the deadline. he needed to prove to me we were important. he has made some changes, but superficial ones. no counseling, no initiating conversations, no putting us ahead of job. i am just tired of putting my needs further and further back do to whatever. his job, his health-nothing major,think bad karma- everything. i jump through hoops and get scraps when he feels like it.
i did not tell him this morning i was to angry. i will mention it tonight though. he is supposed to be home early for sons t-ball game.<p>dear red, jamup, elad-hello, thanks for the support. he was the one who has made many refferences to this anniversary since d-day. in fact i gave him his card and gift in bed in the a.m. he had all day.<p>i'm sorry, but if it was me that did what he did i would not miss this golden opportunity to do something.<p>dear conqueror-im right there with you on this. he had every opportunity and blew it. i guess it comes down to what are my boundries. i believe ignoring this is crossing one or more of them. im just starting to get it though. he is not gonna like our conversation tonight-im going elephant hunting again.<p>can any of you ws's out there tell me that you would have done this???

Nikko,<p>While I was away, I thought of something that I like better than my last suggestion:<p>I'm very sad and disappointed because yesterday did not meet my expectations. [Describe previous GOOD anniversaries that are the basis of the expectations.] I was looking forward to rebuilding a M in which we both would feel care for and protected. Because of things like this, I do not feel cared for or protected.<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

thanks conqueror-i like that idea-now i just have to figure out how to get through t-ball game without wanting to slap him. gonna be a long night.

Nikko,
You once posted some great advice/thoughts on dealing with pain that really have helped me. Helped me so much, that I printed it out, and put it in my "inspirational" scrap book. I am not nearly as wise nor smart as the others whom have posted, I just wanted to let you know I'm rooting for you, and I said a little prayer for you. Good Luck

dear alo9cred-im glad i could help someone-that has truely brightened a sad day. i managed not to slap him-he does know somethings up. i have that cranky tone.
got through game ok. he was doing the hand holding, can i get you anything and took us out for dinner after. i just dont get it?<p>i figure ill try to wait untill i can do this with no anger or judgements. gonna be hard. i keep wanting to cry.<p>i think its time to do the **** or get off the pot speech again.

Nikko,<p>Vent here first before doing anything to H ... I will watching the board tonight ... I will have my first weekend w/o my 2 D ...<p>Hey, why don't you go out and watch movies ? ... treat yourself w/ something, some thing that you like to do .... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] -RH-

{{{{{{{{{{{ Nikko }}}}}}}}}}}<p>Everyone had good advice ... just letting you know I'm reading and watching. <p>Like Redhat said ... VENT HERE .. not at H.<p>I'm really sorry for your H's forgetfulness ... you deserve to be cherished and loved. Maybe one day you and he will celebrate a new kind of day .. perhaps it will be the First Day of your NEW MARRIAGE. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Love,
Jo

dear redhat and jo-thanks for being here. i passed out at 10:00 last night. i was so emotionally spent.<p>jo- what you said about him forgetting, my girlfriend, the only one who knows, said kinda same thing. he couldnt have forgotten, i gave him his card and gift in the a.m. at 7:00. he didnt come home till 11:10 that night. i would say he had enough time to do something. i would love to blame this on forgetfullness, however i have to at some point take the blinders off.<p>i guess this day was so important to me because i feel my wedding anniversary isnt anymore. besides him breaking his vows to me, it all happened at that time. when we should have been celebrating us, he was starting a new love relationship with someone new. i felt like this day was still special, well to me anyway. i just dont get it.<p>he also hasnt responded to card or trip very much. hasnt asked anything about the plans for trip.<p>this is the card i got him-maybe you all can give me feedback on it- i searched for so long-you know how that is-anyway here it is-<p>through it all i love you<p>love comes through for wild young hearts who dont know any better-who have no idea what they're getting into.<p>love comes through for brave fools with good intentions-who follow their dreams and get lost and found along the way.<p>love comes through for souls who are searching-who are willing to risk it all for love.<p>love comes through when everything else crumbles to the ground-when ther is nothing left to do but love...<p>love comes through when two people who have so much love to give are willing to believe like they once did and open their hearts to love again. <p>love comes through even when we dont really know what love is, or how its going to change our lives.<p>
lets not let the little things come between us get in the way of the one thing thats forever, thats bigger than anything else in the world.
today and always, i love you so much.<p>
well thats the card. maybe he is reading something into it im not seeing?? any thoughts??

nikko ~<p>You absolutely deserve to cherished and you are totally justified in being hurt that he has ignored something that has always been important to both of you.<p>But....step off the pity pot for a moment ok? <p>First of all - your real recovery is barely a month old right?<p>Withdrawal takes at least 6 weeks, maybe as long as 3 months - if everything is sincere.<p>Because of your unrealistic expectations, you are making quite a few disrespectful judgements, and even selfish demands (even though you've done great in not voicing those demands to your H).<p>Just because your H has chosen to take the actions that will lead to a rebuilding of your marriage does NOT mean that he loves you right now. He doesn't love you. So (in his head) he isn't going to see much point in celebrating the day he met you. He's probably going thru a myriad of emotions and love is not one of them.<p>You two are trying to learn radical honesty right? Well do you want him to go through the actions of pretending that he feels something that he doesn't?<p>Nikko, in order to survive this, you are going to have to drop the expectations, and instead accept the reality of who he is and where he is at right now. <p>Any time you focus on what you are not getting instead of how you can give better - you are going to end up hurt, angry and resentful. Have you stopped to consider his emotions and his needs through this? What can you do to make him feel better? How can you love him better? Have you read the "Five Love Languages" by Chapman?<p>I also think you are not right to not tell your H that you have a deadline. You haven't been honest in telling him what you are thinking/feeling or planning. Expecting to see radical changes into the man that YOU want in a certain time frame and then not telling him the rules is completely against POJA and radical honesty. Again it smacks of disrespectful judgements and selfish demands.<p>You might want to rethink your approach to this.