I guess at some point I stopped to be the victim. I guess I didn't notice when it happened.
I suppose drama had taken a powerful dynamic of it's own and dragged me along.<p>ExOW,<p>Today I realized, I don't know you, never knew you, don't even remember well how you look. Your face melts and mixes with so many other women, and gets sometimes confused with women that happen to be more beautiful.<p>I don't know you, all I know is what you let in everybody else's memmories. I know you seem to enjoy hurting people for no apparent reason. I know you want to feel you can have power over men, but no man really has listened to you from the depths of his heart.<p>I know you think my husband did. And I guess that is the only thing I'd like to rectify, and not even for me, but for my husband.<p>There is nothing I would like to say to you. I don't hate you, neither do I pity you. You are who you are and leave the impression that you want because you want to.<p>I don't think you have a valid excuse for the hell you put my husband before I even met him. Neither for trying to play cruel games with us after that. But you know... I just don't care anymore. Don't care of your motivations, of his motivations, it is all such a blur, it is all so confusing it makes my head spin and hurt trying to untangle that sick mind of you two.<p>What can I say, do what you want, think what you want, life like you want to live. You could come try an slap me, I'd just dodge it and maybe even fwap you and you'd be sorry, because I KNOW I could really beat you up, and I don't mean this only in the physical sense.<p>I will let it all be, because it was never about you, it was never about what you did or didn't. I just remembered, i just discovered, it all... was about ME. It all started because of US.<p>---------------------------------------<p>
Dear WH,<p>My life has been a chaos since d-day. A chaos contained in my head, and expressed on the mess I made out of my apartment. Such messy place can't really make me comfortable, but lets say this place is a big trigger. They lived here together, for me it will always be filthy no matter how much I clean, so why should I even bother sometimes?<p>I went through this nearly all alone. I stood up after he pushed me out of a 12th floor, I felt the pain, the broken bones, everything as gut clenching as reality. Never in my life pain had struck me so terribly. Not even when those strangers died left and right around me, the horror couldn't compare to seeying someone I knew and was nearly family with get shot and die slowly. <p>Never in my life I thought this level of treason could be so painful, more painful than that operation when I lost my first baby.<p>But there I was, and you didn't realize fully what you had done untill it was too late. You took me by the waist, and lovingly flew me way up there, higher than I have ever been, and then, just with the same loving stare, you let go off me.<p>Nothing broke my fall, nobody heard me cry, but I made it through either way. Sometimes I wished to die to stop hurting. Sometimes I wished I could make someone hurt as much as I did so at least someone would understand me. Sometimes I wished I had never known you. Sometimes I just didn't even want to exist.<p>Nobody but you ever saw me crying. Nobody but you ever knew my pain. I went through with school, I got the highest grades there could be. I went through with work, and I got so many things done so well now they cannot even think of me quitting without my superiors yelping.<p>I went through to teach you a lesson. I went through because I discovered you weren't who I thought you were, that you were a quiter, that you loved to whine that your life had been difficult. You liked to make up excuses for being a low-life. I couldn't allow that anymore, so I taught you a lesson.<p>I went on, and nobody had to suffer for me, nobody took the weight off my shoulders, and I didn't land it in someone elses lap. I was strong, I was a woman, and hopefully that has taught you to be a man.<p>I love you, but not as much as I once loved the idea of you. I thought you loved me, but you didn't love me as much as you love me now.<p>Life will shake us both more still. But I will remain standing, falling, and standing up again. I know how to survive, how to love, how to hate and then how to learn to not even care.<p>Now for heaven's sake move your own sorry butt and show me that this has at least served you right. Show ME you can be that man I thought you were and that you have always wanted to be.<p>It is all in you. And only you can bring it up to the surface.
