I am not sure what to do. H and I have been married for 13 yrs and together for 16 and have never had everything be extremely easy and perfect. We married young and from mid 98 - early 00 things were at there worst and New yrs 00, H moved out and had a 3 week A with my friend. <p>So now we have been in recovery since he moved home in March 00 and things are starting to get back to that troubled, distant problem stage of the year before he moved out. <p>When we had problems back then, we both had periods of giving up, but never at the same time so one of us was always working on M. Part of the problem that I contributed to was lying about money when I was afraid he would be mad. <p>For the first yr to yr and a half after he came home we enjoyed each other, communicated well and felt like things were better than ever, although I have always been the one to work harder at meeting his needs than he is at meeting mine. He is very logical and sensible thinking and has no need for romance or affection, but I do. One of his most important needs is financial security, which I lied about before, but since we have been back together, he knows every penny I spend, I get his approval first and never carry cash in an effort to meet his needs and pay the pennance for my past.<p>For the past 2 months he has been more angry and withdrawn, not wanting to do fun things and contantly mad about money although I haven't lied to hime in 2 1/2 yrs and we have more than ever thanks to his good management. He will get mad over the smallest things.<p>Anyway, he says he loves me, he says he's in love with me and is willing to WORK on M and try to meet my needs and that he has no desire to leave and wants us to be together and happy. His actions do not match his words and things are not getting better. <p>Now I am beginning to get more frustrated and want to withdraw and see what happens, will he notice if I don't say "I love you" first. How long will it be? I just feel like I am being a doormat and carrying the emotional burden.<p>The puzzling thing is that I can't figure out what changed. I am not worried about FOW involvement at all and we are together all the time, but not enjoying it anymore.<p>What do I do? Do I try harder? Do I pull back an let him notice what I give? Talking is out because I feel he is just saying the appropriate answers.<p>thanks!4

Deb,
I think the one thing you have ruled out is your best option. “Talking”
Please don’t start the scorecard game of who says I love you more, first, etc. No real good can come of it and it just progresses to the old what have you done for me lately routine on both sides.<p>All you can do is be honest about how you feel. If that includes telling him you feel like pulling back then so be it. At least that way it is not a guessing game for him, which may build resentment. Us men have no idea how to tell what women are feeling, none, zero, zip. The only way we know for sure is if we are told. <p>If he doesn’t listen the first time, tell him again, explore why he is acting that way, brainstorm about to change it. Communicate, it’s the only real answer.<p>Just my thoughts,
oz<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: oswald ]</p>

OZ,<p>Thank you for your reply. I will tell him I am finding it harder and harder to work on this. I am just worried that this means he's come back, given it time and is now giving up, but he won't tell me that. I feel like I am going nuts emotionally when he tells me one thing and acts another.<p>thanks... I will talk to him

would love any other advice on what this may mean from H. I wonder if I am reading more into it or eing too emotional. Maybe its part of the natural ebb and flow, but because of the past I am worrying too much??<p>
thanks!