Chris - ok I just wrote you this huge note and a fatal error occurred and I don't have alot of time left.. I am making huge strides to try to fix myself because I have realized that I have been trying to fix him for so long and in the process I was and am somedays almost ready to break - I think you are a great Dad for taking the responsibility for the kids and I wish you a Happy Mothers Day becase for all intent purposes you are the Mom... Today my Husband is suppose to take the kids but he doesn't know what to do with them so he wants us all to go to Spiderman.. So yes I will go - see the sad thing in all of this is that we actually get along great.. It is just to much stuff happened.. See I don't think he can live with his guilt (though he won't admit it) and he doesn't think I can live with what he did.. So we will sell - and he will probably help me move and we will become great friends.. Who knows... I have to go to church and then the movies but I will check tonite - It has been a pleasure speaking with you.. I am so mad my note got lost I had alot of profound things to say.. Talk to you tonite.. Bye and everyone calls me Mimi and yes I am 37 - I find it easy to use my birth and initials easy to remember you know.. Have a great day...

Hey - thought I jump in with my 2 cents - <p>As you know Mimi - I still agree that our H's could be related.... My H made the commment that it doesnt matter if its the H or the W - sometimes stuff just happens and things cant be repaired.... He said that he isnt sure if he has ever loved me and at that point I went into a fit - Went out and found letters, cards, notes ect... in which he has given me over the past 12 years and threw them at him and pretty much told him "if you dont think you love me now fine but dont make 12 years of our life a joke" its like they cant see any of the good - only wanting to see the bad...<p>Lost - I admire the way you have taken care of your children and put them first, not many men would be willing or able to do it - I thought My H was one of the good guys and sometimes wonder what happen to him... god I miss that guy!<p>Happy Mothers day everyone - I'm holding my 6 year old on my lap right now and am reminding myself this is what I'm fighting to keep my Marriage together for... this little girl needs her parents to be happy! but if we can't do it together then Maybe its time to start looking at being able to do it myself.
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Mimi, funny how a few hours can change a persons mood. Last night I was in a fairly good mood, today well, as most mornings go they are not the best. Took the kids to church and McDonalds this morning, it was just a gorgeous morning as far as weather goes. Unfortunately it seemed every where I looked it was couples out walking, holding hands, sitting together and talking, and man does it make a person feel lonely, and miss those times. Then on the side my eldest was at work and mentioned that her mom came in with her boyfriend, looking all happy and crap. In a short time she is going to pickup the kids and take them to the park with this guy, and has bought them all a surprize. For the kids sake I am glad that she is here and paying attention to them, I just wish she would have left the guy out of it. In general everything still seems so fresh as far as her leaving, and the pain. By latter today my mood will cycle back up, as it usually does.
Hope your day at the movies went good, it is so easy to get caught up in emotion right now for you. One second it sounds like he wants nothing to do with you, then the next second he can't do things without you. You go from feeling discarded to feeling wanted. Has he done this type of thing commonly over the last while, where he wants you around at one moment, then pushes you away at another? My wife hasen't, but she is living with the other guy, so he answers all her needs. I hope for your sake that you two can be apart for a while so you can have the time to decide if you can forgive him, or if you would still be able to love him after what he has done. I think he will continue down the same path, until he wakes up and smells the coffee, then want you back. One thing you can always tell him when he questions your ability to forgive, is that he needs to work on his ability to faithful and loving for the rest of his life be it with or without you, and you can work on your ability to forgive and learn to trust again. He cannot decide for you if you will be able to forgive him, and if he is already decided on that then he is giving up without giving you a chance to make your own decisions. At the same time as you most likley do, I know my wife well enough after this many years to believe that she does not have the strength to admit to her mistake, ask for forgiveness, and try to work on resolving her issues. I hope I'm wrong, but only time will tell. With the time away from my wife intermitently, I seem to find that when I do question myself if I would be able to forgive or love again, the answer gets less likely as the time passes. You have been down for longer then I have as you indicated your husband was having the affair for 8-9 months, for me my wife has only been in the affair for 2-3 months. It is nice to hear that you are or most likely can be freinds after all is said and done, as for the kids sake that will help alot. For your sake I hope the two of you being good freinds does not hinder your ability to make decisions through complication. Earlier I mentioned that as far as my relationship goes I did not know if I would be able to forgive her, as a person I will, and I know the two of us will also remain friends, it will just take a while to get there with all that has happened. I will talk to latter.
Happy mothers day to a beautiful mother of two beautiful young girls. I have not a clue what you look like or what type of person you are, but because you are here looking for advice or friendship, looking to get your life on track, are continuing to focus on your girls, and not letting the girls get involved in the relationship problems, I believe that makes you a beautiful person, and since there your kids they inherit their beauty. Hope you had a good day in whatever state you are from. Chris

Hello - Jen I just emailed you and thank you for your two cents.. Nice to know you are monitoring.. Chris.. I know how you feel - my god I just spent the whole day with my family - husband and kids and my sister was gonna like kill me.. because I still am doing everything for him. -- We went to Walmart and he doesn't even know what size shirt he weard for gods sake.. It is sad.. I still love him but today I don't have the illusion that it is gonna work.. I think somewhere in my mind I hope that it works and we can start over - but then part of me hopes I just get over him and become happy with someone else because he has been just treating me like crap for so long.. I am not even sure how long.. I think I was just comfortable with life and just thought that we came second to our kids and when they were older we would get us back on track.. I don't know I obviously was wrong... Anyways.. Very nice words about me.. Thank you.. I can always used a confidence booster.. When we were with the kids today we talked about what Daddy would be taking with him etc.. Even drove around and looked at condos for me etc.. I still don't want a divorce but it looks very likely... And I am not going to fight it anymore.. Like I said I need to work on myself... I just hope my PI doesn't have anything to tell me - if he does I am sure I won't be this nice but he swears he is sincere about not seeing anyone else but I have been fooled before.. I have been dealing with this in reality since October and I am so tired.... That is why I am at where I am at... How are your older kids doing?? It must be hard for them to deal with their mom and another guy... I just can't imagine that.. See my husbands affair.. was basically over awhile after I found out and the second woman well I am not even sure what that was - that is what I am trying to find out.. anyways.. It must kill to see them together.. It is so hard to get from point A to point B - but in my mind I know if I get to point B I actually might be happy without him.. If I stop and look at my situation I wonder how long he really hasn't been there for me and I just haven't really noticed.. I told him about this website and that I was talking to you and the other two people I talk to rdvpmm and sadprincess and he thought I was really weird.. You guys are like my lifeline and I appreciate it so much.. I also know you are in alot of pain and if I can help in anyway I would be glad to... I think your wife must be crazy.. To leave you and her kids.. I don't understand what happens to people... For no apparent reason.. Talk to you later...Mimi

Mimi-You had the chance to buy him a shirt three sizes to small, or to large and then when he came back to you on it you could have just said, "With everything going on I'v e noticed you've been putting on weight or wasting away. You lost or gained that much weight." He wouldn't have known what to think. I wonder if he will be able to make it on his own, ti sounds like he is more dependant on you then you are on him. Well he will either fall or get hiss crap together and realize how hard it is, and might even realize what you did for him. At least you seem to sound like you are looking to the future as a challenge, which gets to be kind of neat sometimes. How are the kids handling your split, do they know what is going on, or what he has done, or have you been able to keep that from them? Just a question is he going to be able to support you as well as himself, and continue to support his kids. I hate to push the conversation towards finances, but I see so many notes from women on this site where they want to leave, but because the husband controls the purse strings they are trapped. I hate that part of our society, as it seems like the spouse that stays home can become trapped. Hopefully you have a decent situation that he will continue to come through regardless of the outcome, or you can find something to support yourself. Have you given some thought to this? As far as your comment about your sister being mad, family will not understand what a person does for their loved ones in these type of situation, unless they have been there. My family has had lots of advice for me, but do not understand why I have done some of the things that I have done. I live with the peace of mind that I will do so much for so long, then I will stop. I figure after 12 years that I owe it to the relationship, kids, and myself to not just immediately walk away without putting some effort in.
This sounds alot like where you are also. The main difference is presently you and your husband are on talking terms somewhat, where myself and my wife have moved into very limited talking. This was her choice in teh last week as she seems to want to avoid any contact with me at all, must have been feeling guilty. Only pushes my decision of granting her the divorce closer to where she seems to want to be.
As you mentioned earlier about putting the family ahead of the marriage, I also did that. She accused me of putting the kids ahead of her, and at first I believed her, but now after thinking about it, I put the family which included her ahead of the just spending time alone with her at the frequency she required. I see alot of people out there that don't put into their relationship or family any where near what I did, but they make things work. My wife was just very high maintenance, adn could not tolerate the need to share my love with the kids. I do wish in hind sight that I would have been given a chance to work on this, as I would have changed a number of things, but was never given much of a chance. For this I cannot beat myself up, and I would ask you to look at it similiar. Don't beat yourself up over this, I am sure you did not neglect your marriage as in you had not interest, he most likely was not the type of person that could share your love easily. This was not the only problem I see now in our realtionship, we had alot going on with the kids, moved to a new city, I took a promotion to a very high stress job that required alot of my time, adn we had one kid (13 year old boy) that bordered on being psychotic with anger management issues. Overall with everything that went on I beleive ny wife just snapped to a certain degree. I have no other way to explain, and cannot understand in my mind any other connection. As everyone says, most likely never will know any more, so I need to let that go. By indicating the above things, I do not absolve myself from having fault, I spend lots of time looking at what things I will need to do to handle any future relationships, and to ensure that I can go into the relationship with the best open and honest communication I can provide.
The kids are doing okay with things, I guess. The oldest has started skipping school, dropping courses, and has a number of guys taking a interest in her. I beleive she will lose half a year of her high schooling due to this, now I only need to ensure she dosen't end up pregnant or something like that. Overall she is a good kid, has a smart head on her, and we have a good open communication. She is not skipping school at present, has slowed down on seeing boys, and is not breaking donw crying as much anymore. The 14 year old girl is fairly quiet, but in teh conversations I have had with her, she indicated that she is mad/hurt be what has happened. For her she is such a easy going girl that I think she will make it through, but at the same time she is the one I am most worried about. The 13 year old boy has alternated between fits of anger, sadness, and having good days. He seems to be better, but is really missing his mom, and I beleive will go with her if she settles down in one place. There is so much more with him I won't get into it now. I should go, gotta work in the morning. Hope you have a good day, and keep your head up. It will get better, I'm sure. Chris

Hi Chris- thank you for asking about my finances but actually I make more money than him - and he will have to pay me child support and that will be no problem he isn't being a jerk whats so ever actually that is what makes this so hard sometimes.. I actually will have more money without him then I did with him because after I sell the house I plan or I should say we plan to pay off all of the bills - so that is not an issue it is just trying to find somewhere to live in this town because we moved here two years ago and the kids want to stay here.. They are doing ok they have a few issues we have been very open with them.. they actually said Daddy could have one of their rooms and they could move in with me.. They don't want us to get a divorce and I am sure when it happens it will be hard on them but in the long run hopefully things will work out.. You sound like me wanting to hold everything together and giving it that final chance - that is why I was gonna go for 3 months but then I kept hearing things and I just couldn't deal with it.. So I guess the enivatable happened.. Selling and moving on.. I think the kids get confused because Daddy comes over and we talk like everything is fine just a few sarcastic remarks here and there especially by me.. They will be ok though.. He wants to get his own apartment no roommate becasue I told him the girls wouldn't be able to sleep over if he had a roommate.. I wasn't being a b*tch it is just they are young girls you know.. I guess I am still hoping somewhere that he will wake up.. He does depend on me for everything - he says I was like his mother and I told him he acted like my child.. He really does need to grow up - And maybe he does need to do it on his own.. I hope I can handle it.. I know it will get worse before it gets better... But I want to be his friend - I told him at the rate we have been going these last couple of days we will probably end up double dating.. I was kidding... I could never handle that.. but he keeps saying that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and right now we just aren't good for each other.. It is to bad that you and your wife aren't talking - the other man in the picture would drive me nuts.. Totally.. My husband and I have been together for 19 years and would have been married for 15 in August it is sad sometimes what happens especially if we the other spouse have no clue that anything is that earth shattering wrong... Blind Sided you know.. We at least deserved to know there were problems.. I also have a problem with that... But everything will be ok in our divorce because I don't want to screw up the kids.. I hope your 17 daughter comes through this fine and your son also - it is so hard - I have realized that my husband is very selfish and I am not selfish at all and actually I am very naive or an idiot it depends on who you talk to.. But I have got to go to work.. God love them - they have been so good to me - because there have been days when I have been totally out of it... Talk to you later...

Lost in Space - haven't heard from you all day I am hoping that means you are having a great day... Mine is going ok today.. It is weird but since we have come to the conclusion about selling the house and going on our own.. My husband is much more relaxed it is like he called me on the phone and actually talked for ten minutes.. He seems geniunely worried about me because I look tired and I haven't been sleeping very well.. Get this my oldest 12 - went on the internet and typed in my zipcode to Yahoo personals and printed up a man for me.. Nice huh?? Husband wasn't to happy they want to replace him so soon but I think it was kind of sweet - they are concerned about me and just want their normal mom back you know.. I told him I know we are over for now - who knows if it is forever but my therapist told me today that he needs to go out on his own and grow up.. He may hit rock bottom first but he will need to grow up.. I can't continue to do everything for him.. Hey says I acted like his mother (my husband did) and my therapist says that is because he is a child... He says that he is going to stop drinking, and is going to the gym.. So I am happy about that.. Basically right now regardless of what happened we both need to recover and the simple truth is we need to recover on our own .. Maybe someday there will be hope for us - but I don't know.. Well I hope you check in later.. I am going to try to sleep - Hope everything is ok.. Mimi

Mimi-everything is fine here, just a long day with work, came home had to cook supper, and go get groceries. After cooking supper, and while I was getting groveries I though hey I'm getting the hang of this thing. Alright only at times, I haven't figured out how to go to work, do all the other stuff and clean the house. I just think I might look for someone to come in and clean it for me. Somewhere along the way you need to say enough is enough, and leave some time for yourself. That is my next concern figuring out what to do with all my 4 hours a week I'm not busy. Actually I'm not sure if it's four hours or four minutes. I guess you would know what that is like. Actually I have to admit the two oldest girls are helping me a tremendous amount. The oldest takes the two little ones to daycare in the morning, as I leave around 6:30 AM. I give them the time after school for themselves, and I usually pick the little ones up around 5:00 PM. It's a long day and I hate having to do it at present, but what choices do you have. They like the friends and other things they get to do at daycare which makes it easier. The oldest also helps with the little ones and cleans the house once in a while. The 14 year old girl is the one that really amazed me, she helps with the little ones, and does all the laundry. That is a big job off my hands. The 13 year old boy does the dishwasher, when he isn't whining about something. They have all done really good to help me through this time, and I try to reward them in various ways (Allowance increase, more freedom to do what they want.) I can't say they have looked for another person for me yet, and am fairly sure they won't do that. Most likely just as good, I might be a little fussy for a while, and in the long run will most likely end up settling down with a mail order pride from Kazakstan (hope your not from there or you might not find this funny). For your sake it sure sounds good that your husband is talking about the type of things he wants to change, within himself. As you said there is always a long chance that things might work there way out at some point in the future. That is where I have the problems, I know my wife is kind of in that early stage of this affair, and is completely blind to anything at all else. I do believe that at some point everything might come crashing down and she might want to try to work things out, but at the same time none of that might happen, adn how long do you wait for a person to come to their senses. The other person may fail at their present affair, but still not be in the place where they are committed to the relationship. As for me, time in life is precious and patience is something I have not alot of. Waiting in limbo is not a option. I will decide on June 4th if I proceed with divorce, and as it stands today. I will be divorcing, she is to far away from me now. Oh well what do they say "I was single when I met her". She also made some very strong, ignorant comments to me when she asked for the divorce, that stung just a little. Fortunately the skin is getting thick, and they mainly bounced off. The only good part about being in this situation is as you said that you can fire a few really sarcastic comments, adn they cannot retaliate a whole lot. I know that is not a good thing to say, but in reality how else do you get a bit of self satisfaction without saying what you believe.
I don't think your a b%tch for telling him that he cannot have any room mates for the kids to sleep over. The safety and well being of the kids is his first priority, adn if you are not comforatble with that then to bad for him. My wife wants to take the kids to this huys place. I told her I didn't know if he was a pedophile, an abusive person, or would hurt the kids. She got a bit upset, so I told her I was going to reques that social services interview him and inspect his house when we go to court on June 4th, before the kids would be allowed to stay with her. She seemed to get very upset by that comment. I know I don't have the power to ask for that type of request, but it was nice to see her squirm a bit. Has your work been good to you through this tough time? Do you feel like you want to get into another relationship already, as your kids are trying to do for you? I find that question really weird, part of me wants to get into another relationship, most likely the part that is stinging from the last split. The other part says give your head a shake, take some time, smell the roses. Actually we get two dam much snow where I'm living now to grow any stinkin roses. I'll let you go for now, I seem to get fairly long winded. hope you don't mind. What state do you live in, I would guess it is a eastern state by the time your E-mails are posted. Have a good day. Chris

Mimi- Last note was getting to long, so I thought I would try a short note. I would rather be referred to as caring or naive, then selfish or self centered. Not a quality I think you need to change, most men look for that exact quality in a woman. To bad you got one that didn't realize what he had. Your a whole buch smarter, now and if it works then you will most likely not give him as much rope to hang himself with, or find yourself another person that will appreciate those qualities you have to offer. And idiot is definetely to hard, and not giving yourself credit for what your good qualities are. Latter Chris. PS- I am a good speller, just can keep all my fingers moving the right direction.

Chris - you probably can't spell correctly at that hour of the evening or should I say morning - you should go to sleep earlier... I live in Massachusetts - so you were correct in your assumption.. I don't really think my kids want to set me up with anyone I just think they want their old Mom back and that she is happy.. they know that Dad is the one that wants to leave.. And I am not sure if they know he had a girlfriend - they have never asked me and I have never told them but in reality they might of heard.. actually my husband and I still are getting along well which is scary - its like he is a child and he is finally getting what he wants so he is happy.. I don't think he meant to hurt me this much but the fact is he has...And as for another relationship that is the farthest thing from my mind.. I just hope I will be able to trust someone again.. I have huge trust issues - I feel like everyone is lying to me - not just my husband but people who feel they need to protect me but I do not like to be lied to.. I do everything at my house also and work full time even when my husband was home and yes it is hard but at least my kids are 9 and 12 so they are easy - but I remember when they were younger - my husband kind of got taken care of by me - which may have been my fault but he acts like a child I have decided.. I do still love him and I always will but for me it has come to an end.. I mean 8 months of this hell is enough for anybody... I mean we talk about him being with other people in the future and me being with other people - see he can see it because obviously he has done it.. Me I can't see it at all...but I am sure in time.. My sister thinks he is a bad habit that I need to get rid of... Hopefully I can and will - Today I am a little sad because someone is coming to tell us how much we can sell the house for.. And I will be homeless but I think moving into my sisters is good for me now because I will have company and I can take my time and look for something.. hopefully my PI will not find anything or I will loose it.. but thinking about it is keeping me up at night... Oh well - I will check in later.. Girls are very helpful aren't they - there is a big difference from 17 to 13/14 you know... that is nice they are supportive but it still must be tough.....

Chris I came back and read your post again now because this morning I was kind of busy and I wanted to tell you want my therapist told me yesterday - he said it is safe at this point not to believe anything the spouse says in this situation because in reality they are in a dreamworld and don't know what they are saying... I have been driving myself crazy wondering if I am gonna find something out at the end of the week that is gonna drive me over the edge I sure hope not.. I am keeping my fingers crossed.. We got like no snow where I live this year like none..... I live kind of near Cape Cod have you heard of it - it is where the Kennedy's are from.. Are you going to a therapist??? You know about the limbo thing that is where I have been for a long time that is why we are selling the house - then he can set up his own house and go on his own.. I think about my life without him and I get really sad but I can't make him want to be with me.... And I have been trying to do that for so long... It's funny how your wife just kind of flaunts the other man ?? Is he someone you know?/ Or someone she has known for a long time??/ My husband has always been very secretive..
Down right deceitful.. June 4 sounds like a good time for you especially since there are a bunch of kids involved.. It has been hard on my kids but we have been very open with them.. And they just see there Dad not staying with us you know.. They know I have cried alot and am sad.. But they also know they are very important to both of us and we will get along for their sake if not anything else... You know and maybe he really is a bad habit I need to break.. Therapist says we are going to work on my self esteem issues.. Or lack thereof.... Boyfriends !!! Yikes... Imagine Girlfriends!!!! Yikes... though realistically speaking I like being married and I want a relationship sometime in the future not to near but sometime.... Talk to you later...

Mimi - It will take time to get your self esteem back, I feel that I was so committed in my relationship that I saw other women, but did not have anything to do with them either then for very basic conversations. It's amazing after the committment that my wife left the way she did. As you asked about the guy, I never met him in my life, still don't know what he looks like, but know lots of other things about him. She met him three weeks before she left me and the kids for him, now that one I don't understand. I asked her how can you throw twelve years down the drain for someone you just met. Either it really sucked at home, or something snapped. It's like the first person that showed any attention to she fell for. I really did not treat her badly, so I continually beat myself up for this. I sometimes wonder if she thought I was going to leave and just couldn't face that prospect. If she did she was out to lunch on this one. As far as self esteem goes I figure I'm in my mid thirties, got five kids, a good job, and take good care of myself. I really don't know what the chances are I'll find someone with the kids, but believe in myself and know I have alot to offer. I have to go for now, but will talk to you when I get back.

Lost in Space - you are sounding very confident today.. Good for you.. I on the other hand fell apart.. We had a real estate person come to the house and I have been ok with the idea - until I came face to face with the prospect and I got upset..We can sell it for a good amount, pay off the bills, split the difference but My husband just seems to happy and I am like this is my house We built it 2 years ago.. I don't know I guess maybe somewhere I am still hoping for a miracle..My husband was like ok you live there I will live with your Uncle (where he is now ) and we will continue like this.. I am like no but I am very sad.. I signed the papers to put it up for sale and he left who knows what he will do.. Your wife left with a man she knew for three weeks.. No wonder you are confused - that doesn't even make sense.. Three weeks is not a very long time... I am hoping to be able to sleep this evening sometimes I find that the most difficult... But I really could use some for sure...As I am sure most people at this site could also use a good nights sleep... Well I am gonna go for now.. Keep up your positive attitude.. I am sure you will make someone very happy someday.. :} !!! You know we all deserve happiness - we just need to get from point A to point B and that is the hard part.. Talk to you later.. Mimi

Mimi-I sound positive, but alot of times it is forced. I force myself to get out of the house and do things or to try to stay positive. Sometimes it works, alot of times I find I cycle between high and low points. Actually the last few hours have been pretty rough, as you I also have been running low on sleep, and it just really makes things tougher to handle. I hope one day I will be able to sleep like I use to. I have not got to the point where you are as to putting the house up for sale yet. I don't know how to handle the split of things. We also built a new house just last summer, and we bought a new travel trailer the year before. My wife wanted me to sell the trailer and give her the money, then divide up everything else. I have a bad feeling that we are going to have some problems dividing things up. She still has everything hanging in her closet, all her stuff here, and until recently had her wedding dress hanging in our closet. I finally had to move it, as it just brough back to many memeories and feelings. I have planned for the last few weeks to box up her stuff and put it in the garage, but haven't got around to it yet. Unfortunately she dosen't seem to care, and isn't willing to help get her stuff out of here. It's almost like she is on a vacation in her mind sometimes. She just dosen't have her old home to come back to. Everywhere a person looks you see and find things that were a part of both of your lifes. I just need to pack it up and get it all out of here. I hope to keep the house, I'm going to use the effect that in order to support this size of family I need a larger home. I have been advised by my lawyer that the court will most likely listen, and award me a greater share of the assest to compensate for the kids. The other part of me says that based on her choices she should not be able to take half. Especially if she is just going to spend it with her new honey. We will be starting to split the items up in the next month here, which means we will start to have contact. Then I will go down a bit. From your situation to mine I beleive mine is most likley easier to handle, as my wife is not having anything to do with me, and there is no mixed messages around feelings. In your situation you still have hope based on how civil he is treating you at times. It would make it hard, but when you can set in your mind it is time for you to focus on yourself and let go of the feelings for him, you will start to feel more relaxed. That is not simple, and I don't know how you get there, but time is one way to get there. In alot of ways it sounds like in your e-mail that you are closer to understanding where you felt you and he fit into the marriage and what the issues might have been. The only issue I don't think anyone can understand is why a spouse of so long could have so little respect for your feeling, and make the choices he did. I feel I'm on more of a negative tome tonight so I'll let you go for now. It's 10:00 and I have to get the oldest from work. Tommorow is a new day. For your sake try to focus on yourself, adn really spend some time asking yourself what kind of thgings interest you, how can you get out of the house and do some things for yourself. I'll ask you to let me know tommorow what you can do this weekend by yourself or with a friend that you would enjoy? Do you have any hobbies? It's hard when you have spent so much time with the spouse and kids and neglected yourself. Latter Chris.

Chris - I know what it is like to sound positive and really be forced.. That about sums it up.. Most of the time well actually sometimes I just want to crumble and go to sleep and wake up and realize that this is all a huge nightmare... Tomorrow I am going to the MD Therapist lady because my therapist thinks it is time that I got on medication because he believes that the trauma I have been enduring day in and day out has screwed up my brain so to speak and I need something to help me process more clearly.. At this point I will try anything.. Maybe some sleeping pills to for awhile just to catch up... The split of things in my situation are going to go smoothly - in Massachusetts it is a no fault state so everything is 50/50 which sucks considering what he did... but he says that I can have everything he will take what I don't want.. Which I am sure he is being truthful about.. But I just am not sure I want to move into my sisters house.. I do not want to go into an apartment - and a condo usually doesn't have alot of kids and I want my kids to be able to ride their scooters and ride their bikes you know... All of my husbands stuff is at the house to and everytime he comes over he goes upstairs and picks up something else.. It is so weird because like you said.. He is there all of the time and we act like nothing is wrong when everything is totally wrong and he wants out so bad... but then he will pretend like he really cares what he has done or is doing to me... Boxing up someone else's stuff will suck.. That is something that I would do but he says I act like his mother so he can box up his own crap.. You know... I could keep my house but there are four judges - one who would let me keep it until my youngest is in 6 th grade or 9 th grade - then I would have to buy him out at that time. And I just don't know if I want to hold all ties with him for 3 more years.. You know... I am not sure how to focus on myself - my kids and my husband always come first - I am not sure what I want to do.. Scary isn't it.. I am like so lost in all of this stuff.. I really just need to be able to let go of him once and for all and mean it.. Because I know in my heart that I love him - but I do not deserve this hell he has created for me and put me through for this amount of time.. Frankly I don't think anyone deserves this not even my worst enemy.. Sometimes though I am afraid the PI will tell me something that I don't want to hear and it will send me over the edge but part of me wants him to tell me something so I can finally be really pissed off and let go ---- I know how hard it is dealing with the kids and trying to be strong all of the time.. Though for you because you are a guy you probably don't just start crying at the drop of a hat like I do.. It is really starting to freak my kids out.. But it is uncontrollable.. Well I will talk to you later - I must go do some work.. Hopefully you are having a good day.. And I think that the parent who has the children should be able to keep everything to make the childrens lives as normal as possible... I am sure alot of judges will agree... this all sucks doesn't it.....

Lost in space,
Ya know, if your wife ran off with someone she knew for three weeks there is a good probability that the "fantasy" will wear thin soon. This will bring a whole new aspect to the way you relate to her. It would be a good time to make a plan.
Maw,
Have you tried Benadryl to help you sleep? I had real trouble sleeping for a while,then I could fall asleep but I would wake up at 2AM and not be able to go back to sleep. It is only temporary, if you are laying in bed awake be comforted that your body is resting even if you are not asleep.
I have had insomnia since I was a kid anyway and something that works for me is to get a tape player, put the earphones under your pillow and listen to a book on tape. YOu will make your mind stop the "what if's" and at least rest your body.
I also cried for no reason in "spells" believe me I NEVER cry so this totally wigged me and my H out. I later read this is commen in traumatic situations, (panic attacks) It goes away. Slowly it will happen less and less. You are perfectly normal.
Lisa

Sad - <p>I'm jumping in here because I know your a friend of MAW's and I saw your signature line and saw that you FWH still works with his OW - I need advice on how to deal with this - MY FWH still works with OW but they do not talk (at least that is what I've been told) but I still have the constant worry and fears...She called if off (after I called her H) but I cant get over the "what if she wants him back?" question. I know my WH still cares about her - I was on-line the other night and saw that he had checked her Horoscope, it kills me everytime I think about it...Open to suggestions?<p>Lost - You are wonderful and keep doing what you've been doing - Your kids are the most important thing and its gives all us women out here hope that good guys are still out there!!

Hello Sadprincess you know if you keep telling me I am normal one of these days I just might believe you... Lost in Space these are my two email buddies checking in.. Sadprincess has given me lots of great advice I am sure she can also give you some too.. rdvpmm you know you are exactly like me so sadprincess should be able to give you advice also.. She has been there done that - but still has the struggles every now and then... but very knowledgable.... I just keep hoping that one day all of this good advice I get will sink in... I must be thick headed.. I know I need to go on by myself with my two girls and find happiness for the three of us without my husband and his baggage so to speak.. Chris I will check in tonight to see how you are doing.. Goodbye for now everybody.... Mimi

Sadprincess - I don't believe my wife will come to her senses or the affair will wear short, because my wife is so scared of being alone that she will do everything in her power to make it work with the other guy. This is why she walked out on me and the kids and into his arms. She couldn't take the stress of a such a big family, and a husband that was caught up in his job for the last year. Even if she did come back I don't know if I want to work on the things with her. Over the last two months she has done a few things that I don't know that if she came back there would be any way O could beleive she would change and not walk out on us again if things got tough. At present my mind is preparing myself for a life without her. This is a marriage builders site, but as I have indicated to MAW64 that I am not the type of person to sit around and wait. Also for the sake of the kids sitting in limbo and doing things here and there while cycling through anger and hope is not something I want them to live with over the next year as she goes left and then right. Just the type of person I am.

RDVPMM - There is alot of good guys, average guys, and sh%tty guys out there. It is to bad that in life we cannot find people easier that we do truly connect with, as far as morals, communication, hobbies, and life in general. I really beleive that the key to getting through somehting like this is to focus on yourself and your kids. If that means taking time and money to gput kids in daycare for a while, get a babysitter, or use family to give you tiem for yourself you need to do that. At a time like this we want to have our kids around us as much as we can, but it feels like they are all that we have left. Unfortunately when we are in the shape we are, we do not provide the kids with the best environment they need. One parent did choose to leave in this situation, but if we take short amounts of time away from the kids it will not mean that we are leaving them. Please lok at yourself and figure out something you want to do and go out and do it. You will feel better and your kids will see the difference. Your happiness is the key to their happiness, and we cannot control our spouses, only our happiness.