Mimi - very sorry to hear that. Did he let on or did the PI find it out? For people like us there is no end to the lies. Also it seems that we just cycle between highs and lows. After everything I imagine you are angry that he continued to lie, hurt that people that you trusted could really be so ignorant, and upset that it continues to go on at the cost of your kids and your feelings. Just for a moment it would be so nice to just wash your life clean of this type of situation. I imagine you spend alot of time wondering the same question I do, what did we do so wrong to deserve what we are getting? I know I made little mistakes, but as you most likely feel, never anything that could so brutually hurt another person. I hope you can continue to find the strength to continue on, and realize that this only confirms the choices you are making in your life to take this time for you, to get yours and your kids life back to having some kind of normality to it. My day was as they all have been lately, the 17 year old went to spend a week at her mom's this morning. The 13 year old boy has dug himself in with some anger problems again, ever since he found out his sister was going to see her mom. He has now missed two days of school, refuses to go to school at all, and is on the edge at all times. I talked to his mother tonight and said he needs to come and live with her. Once again I feel my other children are in fear for their life. Tonight I took all the knives out of the drawers and hid them. Tomorrow I will once again see how he is doing and take him to mental health if he does not calm down, ro try to get his mother to get him early. He will most likley lose the entire year of school, and she dosen't understand how this affair could hurt people so much. Over the next few days I will not be able to leave the kids alone with him at all until he calms down. As much as his mother blames me for problems in hers/my relationship and says that it is entirely our issues that led to the breakup. I beleive beyond a doubt that it is the issues that we have had with him over the last five years, and our inability to get the proper help in a timely fashion. I always have feared that the problems would cause the end of our family and now I beleive that is what did cause the end of our relationship. I hope that if he can be with his mom, and away from the big family scene he will be okay and be able to keep control of his anger. What a life at present, when I talk to a few people at work and describe what has happened in my life over the last few years people cannot believe me. After living my life I can honestly say that there is people in this world that are just not mentally stable, some are children and some are adults. I have done everyhting in my power to raise all these kids the best I can, and have never hurt them in any fashion. Four out of five are well behaved, doing very good in school, and have lots of friends. The fourth one has some serious problems that unfortunately we were not able to find the right help for. Take care of yourself over these next couple of days and try to stay focused on yourself and your kids, they are the important ones now as are you and the ones that count. Talk to you latter. Chris

chris - Hi - the PI didn't find anything yet he is going to check the OW today to see if they meet up... My husband thinks that everything is fine and that we getting along great and I am letting him go with that.. I actually found out because I asked the neighbors husband what his wifes previous cell phone # was because I knew what the OW#1's number was and low and behold they were the same number.. So I am going to let onto him tomorrow what I know.. But I have since taken my house off the market .. I am going to try to remortgage pay off some bills and see if we can stay there the girls and I because I cannot find anything else comparative and why should I have to move if he is the one who did all of this crap to me.. I still might have to but I am gonna try to make it work... Anyways I actually am quite calm and level headed which is scary but you know I cannot give him the satisfaction of knowing how badly and deeply I am hurt.. At this time... You know.... You know I used to wonder what I did.. But the deceit that has gone on between him and me and me and the neighbor - well you know what there is nothing that I did to deserve this... No ifs, ands or buts about it... People are selfish and you know that is ok they have to live with what their actions have caused all around them... Your life sounds like it is at one of the low points for sure... Your 13 year old sounds like he is really having a tough time.. All problems are a strain on the marriage but still that is no reason to runaway with someone else - the only problems are you wifes problems. You both need to deal with the children together and she is not helping by running away ...You are right about people some people just have problems that either start early in life or they just crack at some point and we have no control over that.. As long as you have done everything within your means to help him then you have nothing to blame yourself for... I am sure that with proper counseling and stuff he will deal with his issues... Life just kind of sucks sometimes doesn't it....???/ Talk to you later... Mimi

Mimi - yeah sometimes life does suck, btu most of the time I like it. I seem to have started to pull myself back out of the dark side for a while here. Of the five kids, three are in a very good mood the last few days, and I think it is rubbing off, at least today. When you go through this for a while it seems you just find your self a inner piece that helps to make it through it. Today is the third day I talked to my wife in a row, and although we talked about the thirteen year old and how he can do some distance learning, I was very calm, and just really didn't give a sh%t about her or her problems. I was talking to my boss at work today, adn he was just in shock when I was talking about what was going on. I'm quite sure he thinks I'm going to crack one of these days, but is confused about how I have calmed down. I just told him that I just can't get all caught up in it anymore. It sounds great that you are goping to keep the house, and try to make it. That is my intention, it just depends how much my wife wants out of the stuff we have. I'm really hoping she will take a low payout based on the kids and what she has done. I have to admit I feel no sad feelings about not giving her half if I don't have to. I will lookout for the kids and me. What do you think will happen to the neighbour lady, you aren't going to lose it on her one of these days, and go over and beat her cats. As much as it would be nice to get some revenge it just will be short lived, and every time I start to think about revenge someone seems to mention that I'm thinking dysfunctional. You see I have this problem, I just can't keep my thoughts to myself, quite abit different then my wife. I'm also not a dysfunctional person at all, I just think when a person gets hurt as bad as they do in this type of thing they just want to strike out. Does your husband know that you took the house off the market? or is that to talk about tomorrow, alonmg with other things? Keep hanging in there we will both make it through this, then we'll go beat the piss out of those people that told us this will make us stronger. Even if it does make us stronger, we'll both have some frustration to take out on somebody. Talk to you tomorrow. Chris

Hi Chris - yes my husband knows that the house is off the market.. he is ok with that - except now he won't get start up cost for an apartment.. Oh well..I told him I knew that it was the neighbor all along and he still denies it..I said thats ok if you want me to believe you I will but I don't you know..I think that finally I have just had enough and I am done with it all. Living in the house will be kind of tight money wise but I should be able to swing it with child support. He is going to be lonely in his apartment all alone while I am at home with the kids but that is what he wants. You sound very good like things right now are on an upswing for you and that is great. It is hard dealing with everyone else when you have your own problems you know but someone has to do it.. My kids are very happy that we are not moving. And so am I. Finally - but you know I am still not angry which is wierd I should be pissed but I think maybe the fact that I now know the whole truth and nothing else can come out I am ok - I know now that none of this had anything to do with me.. We will be stronger I guess but my god I wouldn't wish this crap on anybody - you know?? though it would be nice if someone in the future cheated on my husband ??? Don't you think.. I must go back to work now - have a nice day..:}

Mimi - I have had a few fairly good days. It is funny because you feel not bad with life one minute, and crappy the next. So many things remind you of what you had, adn I know that I liked being in a relationship, and want to be in a another one. That does not mean that I am going to jump into something, because there is no way I want to go through the same thing again, and in a lot of ways, I don't know what I want. It just feels so unfair to me, especially when I think that my wife has someone to help her through any tough times. Although how tough can they be, when she walked out of one relationship and into another. Still you see so many other people that are together doing so much, and then you see yourself. Have you given any thought to other relationships or are you noticing other guys at all? This may be a weird question, but I think people other feel a need to find another person, or they want nothing to do with those of the opposite sex. I had a long argument with my wife earlier tonight, she wanted to take the two little ones for the upcoming week back to the other town to her new boyfriends. I told her not until the court tells me that I have to let the kids go. I told her she is to unstable and her choices do not make sense, and the kids are still trying to cope with what has happened so far. She did not understand anything I was saying, she just thought I was being a A-hole. Therefore I spelled it out for her in not so kind a fashion. she didn't like hearing what I had to say, hung up on me a few times, but eventually heard it all. I'm not trying to be ignorant about things, just trying to do what I do believe is best for the kids. Everytime I start to question myself, I phone someone I know that has kids and ask them their opinion. Do you think I should be giving her more leeway in taking the kids 500 miles away to her new boyfriends? As far as your husband goes, if he ends up hard up for cash too bad, such is life when you make the choices you do, that our spouses have. I don't think they would ever fall victim to someone having an affair on them, because they don't have the power to love or hurt enough to get themself into that type of a situation. I know my wife will leave the guy she is with for another as soon as the going gets rough. Hope your weekend is going good, talk to you latter. Chris

Chris - Hi - no I don't think you a crazy for not letting her take the kids 500 miles away - the question should be why does she want to be 500 miles away?? If she wants to see them so bad she should come to your town - they are to little and you don't even know this guy... I have been ok but everyone is all over me about how I should be so pissed off and I guess I am really just still in shock that my husband has been banging the neighbor for a year... Though he is still denying it - but then everytime she leaves I think they are together and I obsess - He says there is nothing going on and let me tell you this guy could sell an igloo to someone in the Carribean...I actually just went to his cell phone website and requested copies of his cell phone bills for 8-01,9-01, and 10-01 and we will see just how much he was speaking to the neighbor - its like what were they phone buddies...?? I am definately going to keep the house it will be tough but I will just manage to squeak by and he is ok with that he just wants a divorce - which I gotta tell you freaks me out - but I guess I shouldn't care..but I do?? I just don't know what happened to him.. He found an apartment that will be available in July which is good but he says he is gonna curl up there in a corner and not talk to anyone - ya right... He actually is really stupid to think that I believe him but right now it is just easier for me until everything is in writing about the house etc. and the divorce... He is coming over today and will act like everything is fine which tends to get on my nerves.. I cannot even imagine going on a date - I don't really think I have ever dated - I just had steady boyfriends in high school then got married at 22 - I can't even bring myself to look at other guys - I am afraid I am going to have this huge trust issue for sure - and go figure I wonder why??? Well my daughter is waking up she has a friend over and the other daughter is at a friends house - we have a holiday tomorrow so no work hopefully I will finally be able to catch up on some much deserved sleep - hope you have a great day - I will check in later - Oh and it is taking every part of me not to go over and tell the neighbor next door where to go and how to get there - it is killing me...

Mimi - You are still sounding strong. I get a kick out of how you indicate that everyone else thinks you should be going crazy. They really don't understand that after going crazy for as long as you have over this, it dosen't just trigger like that. The things that most likely should drive us around the bend aren't the ones that do. It is the little things that trigger memories, the things that they do that show they have no respect for us at all, the things that show they can only put themselves before their family. As bad as this is going to sound after the last few days and what happened I really feel a hatred for my wife right now. I don't like to use the word hate, and I even more dislike the feeling that I am having right now. Up until the last few days I was able to understand somewhat why she might have done what she has done, and even thought I might be able to forgive her for what she has done. Right now I only hope I can keep my feelings to myself, and still do what is best for the kids. Over the last few days she has been continously on this thing about taking the little ones for one week. Today I took the 13 year old boy to meet her half way between where she is living and where I am living. When I arrived there she was sitting in the truck with her new beau. The [censored] didn't even look me in the eye. I sat in my vehicle for about 20 seconds, then I got out and walked over to his vehicle and asked him what type of guy he was that he could get involved with a married woman that had five kids. He looked at me and said "she was unhappy". I asked him " you couldn't make it in your own marriage so you had to screw up somebody elses". The next comment is when I started to lose it, he said "well my wife did it, and you'll get over it". After that the conversation got very unpleasant, with him rubbing the fact she was with him not me in my face. I was by no means kind to him in my comments, but I was so close to dragging his %ss out of the truck and beating the living crap out of him. Who knows he might have beat the crap out of me, but I was on pure adreanaline at the time. If it wasn't for the fact that I need to watch every step so I don't lose the kids, I don't know if I would have held back. This coming from a guy that will preach control to anybody else. I guess I kept it together, but it took me a while to wind down, actually 250 miles and an additional 15 minutes. I have honestly removed them both from my Christmas card list, and birthdays no way not anything right now. I don't want to see this guy again and the fact that two of the kids are with him right now is just eating me up inside. Fortunately they are older and can think for themselves, but if I lose the younger ones now it will be some tough. I know exactly what I need to focus on next, weight training and boxing(joke), preparing for sharing my kids as far as being raised wiht another man if things go the as they might. I think I'll go for now, I'm obsessing and not excatly thinking right. I'll be back tomorrow and most likely thinking clearer. A bit of anger and adrenaline can really mess a person up. Hope you get to catch up on your sleep. Have you had a chance to get out and do anything for yourself, or still to much crap going on to focus? Latter Chris.

Chris - Hi there must have been something in the air yesterday because I woke up to an altercation with the neighbor lady .. Nice huh - she called me up and said I f****d your husband he was really good in bed to bad you will never have him again - and all this at 9:00 am on a Sunday morning - So I proceeded to walk on over to her house and chat with her and her husband - she still denies that anything is going on with my husband other than this intense friendship on the telephone - I told her that I didn't like her - that she was slime and if she was so concerned about me finding out that she was talking to my husband that maybe she shouldn't have been talking to him in the first place - I told her do not go near my children..I mean her and my husband must think I am pretty stupid to believe them - but I am letting them go with that --I called after the altercation and he said oh thats beautiful - there is nothing going on - so if there really is I am sure they had a little tiff over doing that to me.. He actually spent the day here yesterday building a castle for my daughters project. I think he feels like I am taking everything and he is getting nothing but hey thats the way it is and he says that is fine.. I am surprised you didn't beat the guy up - these situations suck don't they .. I cannot even imagine moving on to someone else - yet our spouses already did and that is why we are in this situation .. I don't have the strength anymore to deal with this drama - It is over - you know sad as it may be - now hopefully the she devil next door is going to move because I am not sure I will like living next door to her..I just may run over sometime when she gets her mail.. Jokin..I must go clean up the house I will check in tonite have a nice day.. Mimi

Mimi - I don't know how you handled your situation any different then I handled mine. When you said you woke up to that kind of a phone call, you must be a strong person to not snap at that point. I imagine the conversation you had with her when you walked over there was not made for childrens ears either. I don't understand why your husband is still defending his situation when he already admitted to the affair. My wife isn't like that at all. She is practically hanging it out there for everyone to see. This is why she has to be totally messed up. I could understand her being so blunt with things if I was abusive or ignorant, but I never did anything to her that she can fault me for, either then for not giving her love the amount of love she needed at the exact time she needed it. This type of thing may qualify for separation, but certainly not a affair and divorce. She just dosen't seem to care at all, she knows she will most likley damage her relationship with her kids, family, and friends but just dosen't care. Does the woman beside you still live with her husband? Dosen't he have a clue what is going on? Dosen't he care? I had a conversation with a woman at work today, she didn't know the details of my problems, and in conversation she was pissed off that this group in our city had suspended a member becuase he had a affair on his wife, then left her for another woman. I let her know what I thought in not alot of words. I just got the kids to sleep so I am going to bed. I figure I've averaged around five and half hours sleep a night for the last three weeks, and have aterrible cold that just won't go away. I hope one good night sleep will make it better so I can go back to my five and half hours a night. You know it sure is hard to sleep somenights now. Kinda sucks actually. Chris

One more thing, the previous day when I was talking to my wifes new beau, somehow I got to the point that he was kind enough to tell me that at least he had more going for himself then I had going for me, being he had my wife living with him. That comment took me to another level wher I wanted to rip his throat open, and ......
Enough said, they don't care, no skin off there back, no kids, no pain, no feelings, no heart, no morals. Latter Chris

Hello - my husband is still denying it because he says his affair the original one was with someone else but - my neighbor has the phone number of the original one so I am assuming it has been her from the get go.. he says its not that they just talk but let me tell you they talk an awful lot... I don't like people who cheat either and I would have told that person the same thing and then some... I am obsessing today again because I am back to do I believe my husband?? or do I believe the facts in front of me??? Her husband was there and he is like he has to support and believe her - he is an idiot - they are getting a divorce because they have been having problems for years and it has nothing to do with whether or not she had an affair with my husband .. I guess my problem is now again I feel like I am going crazy because I don't know what to believe have I been this stupid and decieved this much over and over again for the last year??? Now I want him to hang out at my house more because if they are seeing each other then I will get the satisfaction of knowing that she is pissed he is home all of the time... I don't know - somedays I wonder will I ever get through this ??? I just can't handle it most days I have like you know good days and bad... Which suck... Hopefully once my new mortgage goes through I will feel better about things... he just found an apartment which will be ready on July 12 - so that is good ... and the kids will be able to stay there so he is being ok in that aspect - we are lucky that I am actually very lenient when it comes to custody issues and he is only 30 minutes away... He knows where I stand on everything - so hopefully there will be no problems there... I will try to check in later... Hope you are having a nice day... the sleep things sucks the worst don't you think????? Mimi

Mimi - I hope for your sake that the neighbour gets a divorced and out of there as soon as possible. I look at how pissed I got at teh guy that lived over 500 miles away. If he was living next door I would most likely be insane. I was talking to my sister tonight and I mentioned that I cannot believ ethe bhatred I am feeling for my wife right now. When I saw her this last Sunday it is the first time in my life that I did not find anything attractive about her at all. She is a very pretty lady, which helps her to find guys in a very short time, as she has done already, but in seeing her lately I do not see any beauty. I find that amazing how a couple can spend so many years together, then in such a short time develop such a dislike for each other. I know that I need to find something to do and stay away from her, or my feelings are going to start to show to the kids, or I am going to say something I will regret along the way. Through everything we have gone through I have not felt this feeling yet. I guess you can only be sh%t on so long before you just have enough. I got a decent sleep compared to recent times last night, and will try again tonight. How is work going, are you able to focus? How have the kids been doing lately, are you still busy running all over the place for the kids? Have you had a chance to get out and do anything for yourself yet? Have a good day, and keep your stick on the ice. Chris

I wish that I could feel your hatred... I just keep getting so confused he is so sincere saying that the neighbor wasn't the person he had the affair with but I really don't believe him but then he gets me thinking I should give him the benefit of doubt - and yes going insane is basically what I am doing with her living right next door...I cannot disengage myself from my husband still - its like none of this is really happening... he got an apartment that he can move into in July - I am waiting to get my mortgage application so I can refinance and stay where I am.. And I am waiting to hear from my lawyer.. She has been very busy - she hasn't called me back since I called her last week..My kids are doing great - they are ok as long as I am ok and not fighting with their Dad...Which I have been trying not do - we have been getting along ok - except I keep obsessing because i still don't have all of the truth and it is driving me crazy...I tend to wake up at 3:00 am daily and just lay there thinking for hours - highly annoying....but hopefully I will get through and be the better person for it as everyone keeps telling me - I wish I could hate - then it wouldn't hurt as much I don't think...Well it probably would just in a different way - angrier... Work is ok - I cannot concentrate though - you know good days and bad..when do you see your lawyer - June is next week - I know that was your deadline in your mind!!How is your son doing now that he is with his mom? and your 17 year old daughter did she come home yet?? Did they like the boyfriend ?? See that is something I can't deal with my spouse openly having someone else - though I suppose if I had someone I would feel better but I can't even think about that... It is getting to the end of the year in school so there are end of the year band concerts, dance recitals, plays etc.. So we are very busy nightly - that is another reason why Carl is around so much - but once summer comes we probably won't see him to much... then maybe I can start to deal with getting over him... Talk to you later... Keep up the good nights sleep...

Mimi - I have a question for you, why do you need to know the truth. I think you already know the things that have hurt you as much as they have. The pain you have been experiencing is only going to continue to make you feel horrible as long as you try to search out an explanation. I am very sorry to say that your husband had a affair on you, and who the affair was with is something he will most likely never be honest with you about. He has lied to you for so long, and had no respect for your feelings, or for his family to carry on for so long. It pains me to see you sit back and beat yourself up wondering who and why, and how many more lies. People know what he did to you and his family, and they will never respect him for that. You are a victim of his choices, and he may be lieing to you or telling the truth.( I don't know him, but don't beleive he is telling the truth.) I look at my wife, and honestly don't beleive anything she says at present, I quess it is easier for me because it is alot easier to not have feelings for some one that treats you like sh%t. I hope you can start to focus on yourself and your kids, because that may take you away from the thoughts you are having of who and what he is doing. If you can focus on yourself and the girls you will be able to start thinking about other things and enjoying your life again. I have threads of that when I can stay away from any conversation with my wife, and can get out with my friends I have made recently.
the 13 year old is doing good so far, but I expected that, he has not been there long enough yet. The 17 year old came home and has a attitude now. She dosen't know if she is going to stay here for next year, or go to her moms. See everything is very easy there right now, no curfews, no rules, no responsibility, and she is able to come and go as she wants. It is hard for me to provide a home that compares when she has to go to school here, and I must keep her focused, as well I expect her to help out with the little ones, and cleaning. She may stay of go, I will just deal with it one day at a time. Man have I changed in a few ways, I needed more patience with the kids, to become easier going, and take life one day at a time. I have learned alot of these in a short time. I don't ask the kids any questions about the other guy, just the answers will just piss me off. He can do no wrong for anyone right now, but I can't do anything about that. I was in to talk to the lawyer around three weeks ago, she suggested I go to court myself, she indicated I could present my own case in the same way she would. I hope she is right, but if I get into trouble I will ask for a temporary extension until I can get things together legally. I asked her about divorcing on grouds of infedelity, and she suggested against it, she indicated it was very messy for the partner that had the affair. I don't understand why I would care, I will ensure the kids don't know, and she can be accoutable for her own actions. Who knows, this is still that anger or hatred coming out. The maint thing I do know is that I will be filing for divorce around June 4th, adn for me there is no turning back. Once I make up my mind, I don't go back. This might be right or wrong, but I am going to get on with my life. I can also tell we are ina different place because although I will not see anyone until after the court is done, I do see lots of lovely ladies around, and am looking forward to dating. I never did that much when I was young, and think it will be neat if I can stay away from anything serious for a while. You have no inclings to do this at all? Not even a little? Do you think about what you would look for in another person? Talk to latter Chris.

I'm pretty new here but feel a need to express my 2 cents worth... <p>Maw64 - I admire your strength and courage that you have and the strength you found deep within yourself for not beating the living crap out of that old hang living next door to you. Lost in Space is right, why beat yourself up with all the unknowns? The Who's? Why's? and How Comes? Does you no good and gives your H extra heartache points towards you. Don't give him the satisfaction. Your a terrific Woman.. and Ohhh yes.. If I were you, I would make it my mission to ensure that he was at the house often.. especially on the front porch or in the yard with you.. not really doing anything but just "together" because once that old hag next door sees that he's over there.. she will be like a pig fit to be tied! Let HER squirm and wonder.. turn the tables for even just a few hours.. Perhaps she has her husband on drugs so much that he doesn't know what she's doing or what he's supporting? Old hags do that ya know You sound like you are on your way of self improvement.. for yourself nobody else.. I commend you for keeping the house.. heck, let HIM do something for YOU for a change.. let him cut the grass, let him do all the sh*tty work... (and isn't it time to have the gutters cleaned? <smirk> saves you from either doing it yourself or hiring someone I know it's been very painful for you but turn that pain into happiness for yourself and your children. Your H will always be your childrens father.. but he doesn't have to be your H.. He needs to find himself and if the old hag next door wants him.. let her have him.. your better than that.. You deserve a better man that what you got. Hold onto your faith as it will provide you the strength you need to do the things you need in order to get YOUR life back.<p>Lost - You are an extrodinary man... and your W just didn't know what she had.. her loss and will become another woman's gain.. when your ready, God will provide you with a woman who will appreciate you for who you are and will love you like you should be loved. I noticed that you said you had a 13 yr old boy who has problems with anger management... I have a 15 yr old boy who has had the very same problem for most of his life... I would like to discuss this with you if you don't mind.. perhaps at another topic.. or email if you prefer.. and if you do not wish to discuss it.. I understand.. really I do.<p>Both of you will make it through this heartache, not unscared - but as better people. <p>Thanks for listening and thank you so much for letting me listen and learn on this message board.<p>Robin in Germany

Well hello Robin - Midnite706 - it is nice to hear from another person rooting for me !! Thank you and you are right about the hag next door though I refer to her as the b*tch from hell - but she is just walking around like she has done no wrong - I am hoping she moves away and soon... yes my husband is going to be my handyman until we are divorced that is for sure - or at least he is going to do everything that he has been neglecting for so long... So what is your story ?? Are you going through the same crap as lost in space and I??? and you are both right I am beating myself up with the unknowns and I can't stop it - I try but it doesn't work - I guess I just can't face the fact of what he did to me... It really sucks...that someone thatyou have so much time invested in and love very dearly can betray, lie, scheme and cheat you so bad and you just really don't even know it or if you do you still don't want to believe the truth.. Chris you sound like things are moving along - 17 year old girls have an attitude anyways actually they usually get them at about age 10 and they just get progressively worse... But she will come around.. I am glad your son is doing better - how are the little ones...??? And your other daughter the one who helps out all of the time - I would watch her she could be keeping alot inside you know?? just a thought.... I would think a judge would think you are definately the more stable parent and can provide the most stability and definately the less change you know??? My lawyer still hasn't called me back and it is starting to tick me off - I am going to call her today sometime and see what is up - I am at work right now and I have so much stuff to do but I wanted to write back - usually at night at home I get to busy and I havent been on the computer alot lately - but I am going check back later tonite - I hope everyone has a great day - and Robin I look forward to hearing about your story - It is so nice to have people to talk to and bounce all of the days drama off of... Mimi- And Chris I agree with Robin your wifes loss is anothers womans gain for sure....

hey Chris - I just thought I would give you my update - I am semi mad today - I spoke to my lawyer then my husband and he is just an [censored]... She basically told me if we could agree on everything put it in writing - like I will take the existing debt and he gives up all claims on the house - he will pay half of the childrens activities and child support - and braces if they are needed for my youngest child - so then she told me get that all in writing send it over to her she is on vacation for two weeks then when she gets back on the 18 th - we will go over everything present it to my husband - then we will get a court date in 1 to 2 weeks because we have no fights and everything is agreed upon by both parties - then after we go to court there is a 120 day waiting period and we will be officially divorced - he was ok with that... talk to you later...

Maw64- I'm sorry you had a sad day. Those come and go. Thankfully I have less and less sad days.. My situation has worked out for the better. I thank God everyday for giving me the strength I needed to endure those sad, sad days. I'm pretty new here but read and read and read until I couldn't see the monitor anymore and read some more when I got up this morning. my H had an A and I was devistated until my best friend of 20 yrs reminded me of something stupid I had done some 17 yrs ago.. I had an A.. We have been married for almost 19 yrs and have known each other for 20 yrs.. I won't take up your space here ... the long story can be found at the link below this posting. I just happen to pop into this post and my heart went out to you. I hope better days are ahead for you. Must be nice to have a stress free vacation.. huh? as my mother use to say before she passed away: "This too shall soon pass, better days are ahead.. just wait"<p>I miss her wisdom but am thankful that I aquired it from her. I will pray for God to provide you with the strength that you need to get you through this time of need. He will provide and he will also turn that old hag into a frog too! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] When I found out about my H's A, I told him that I believe that Bobbitt woman lives in his area.. kinda scared him a little.. hee hee <p>Better days are ahead! Chin up, you have more strength and courage than you realize. <p>Take Care,<p>Robin in Germany<p>My Story

Mimi - I feel for you being in a situation where you have to not fault clauses for divorce. I don't understand how the court can fail to recognize how one person can mess up so badly, and let them off the hook with no consequences. I think you should push for absolutely everything you can get out of the marriage. This sounds cruel, but not nearly as cruel as what he did. I think ultimately you are just looking out for yourself and your kids. Getting back on your feet for the next few years and getting everything stabilized will be a chore in itself. I have been thinking alot lately about what and how I am going to do to divide the pocessions up. A part of me just wants to give her our van and the new trailer we bought less then two years ago, adn ask her to just go away as far as letting me keep everything else. I know she can push back for more, but since she is living with another guy already, and also has done what she has, I don't think she will push back to hard. I have the choice to take her to court and file for divorce under adultery reasons. I have been advised that this would more or less leave her with nothing, but part of me feels I need to leave her with enough so that when she hits bottom and things don't work out with this guy, that she will have at least a bit. Also this way she will have no excuse to not come to see the kids if things go the way I hope they do. I do know that she dosen't give a hoot about me, so I don't know how decent I should try to treat her through this. I don't want to walk away feeling like I was a A-hole, but for the kids and my sake I need to look out for only us. My wife could have got a job or done a number of things to get herself on her feet, but dosen't seem to have tried at all. The five year old boy is having some problems, he is very moody, and whines alot. Not normal for him, so I think he is feeling the pressure, and dosen't know how to talk about it at all. The 14 year old girl just keeps helping out in more and more ways, and I keep giving her more room to move. I cannot beleive she is doing so much, as her and I always butted heads. She likes to be in control and give orders, and I guess I wasn't to good at taking orders from her. Through everything that has happened she has taken the extra responsibility very well. I am worried that one of these days something is going to come crashing down for her, but I notice she is starting to open up a little. I will just keep giving her the option to talk, and try to listen more then talk. (Kind of a bad habit I have with the kids.) Have you had a decent spring so far? Does it give you any chance to get out and enjoy the wheather? Is your husband coming over on a dialy basis, or has he been able to figure out how to take the kids and do something with them, or does he still have you come along alot of the time? Hope things go better for you this weekend. I think you should just go out, let your hair down, have a few drinks,a nd just try to relax, talk to some people. Flirt with some guys, nobody says you have to go out with them, just flirt and walk away. I have been doing this a little, and it brings your confidence back up after everything that has happened. I never flirted once over the last twelve years, and felt it was against everything a marriage stood for. <p>Robin - It was nice to red your story and find that you are at least able to be working on the relationship. It sounds like you have been going through some tough times, but were able to focus very well through those times and take care of yourself. The fact that your husband had remorse for his actions was something that you had to feel positive about. Each one of us have some differences in our situations. Your husband was remorseful and willing to try to work things out, this is positive, but also very hard due to the things that have to be worked out to get the trust and love back in the relationship. Mimi's husband appears to be remorseful, but seems to have given up on things, leaving her in a very tough place where he still is giving her very mixed messages. My wife left and has no remorse, no guilt, and dosen't give a crap just wants a divorce. She is just plain screwed up, and dosen't have a clue what she has done to anyone, especially the kids. All different situations causing the same type's of pain. I really wonder why Hollywood is so fixated in portraying the poor lonely spouse that is mistreated, and goes out and finds a person much better that make them so happy. Do you think they leave anything out of those stories? If you want you can join Mimi and I, when all this is ove rnad we are back on our feet we are going to beat the piss out of everyone that told us "these things make you stronger", and I think we'll beat the piss out of a few Hollywood producers. You got start somewhere. <p>Latter both you ladies have a excellent day. Oh and Mimi you get to beat the piss out of your neighbour, or just throw stuff at her, like eggs, hockey pucks, and empty beer cans.

Chris - (I hope I can call you that [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I appreciate the invitation to join you and Mimi on this post. During my H's A, he did not care who was affected, not even me. He told me that he finally found someone who meets all his needs. I thought, that poor woman! I asked him what the heck was he NOT getting from me. He said that he could really "talk" to her and she listened.. well heck, I have tried for soooo many years to "talk" to my husband.. or I should say to have him "talk". He wasn't a very good communicator at all.. except in the bedroom. Guess that's the only place it really counted huh? (today, a year after his A, I can't shut him up! I hate the fact that him having an A made him to be able to communicate better with me, don't think he'd like it much if I had become a better lover because of my A now would he?) nor did he think he was doing anything wrong. He was an Equal Opportunity Officer for God's sake.. and didn't think he was doing anything wrong?! He had told me that he loved me but only because I stuck by him all these years and was the mother of his children.. and that he wasn't sure if he was in love with the OW but that he wanted to marry her. I was like, "who is this man?" This isn't the man I have known all these years.. So, I felt the need to "save" him from this creature that made him behave and talk to me so cruely.. that was my mission.. to "save" him not really to save our marriage.. Now, it's to rebuild our lives as husband and wife. We went through our "list" over that's yours, you can have that.. and such.. preplanning for the divorce.. He said I could have the house and everything else I wanted and he would take the leftovers.. personally, I didn't want him to have anything that he could "share" with his OW except my picture. But told him that after our divorce and he hits rock bottom... and he will, that I will be there as his friend, I'd always help him no matter what because I know what he use to be like and I know what kind of man he has become throughout these many years of marriage - but don't ever think we would ever be husband and wife again. The hard thing was when he told me while he was having the A, is that he would always love me for all my years of support, and wanted to "keep" me as his best friend. I told him of course to go to hell and was sooo glad I could be his nanny and housekeeper for him as well as a few choice words.. I only wanted to help him see what he was doing to himself and what an [censored] he had become. MLC, maybe.. I don't know and will probably never know.. I don't want to know actually.. I know why I had an A about 17 yrs ago.. I was purely stupid, nieve and "thought there was more to life than just being wife, cleaning woman and nanny." I learned soon after that nothing is more important than the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with... very hard lessons in life we learn.. And NO it did not and is not making me a stronger person for it.. I too would love to beat the piss out of all those people who told me and keep telling me that.. I guess if we ripped their hearts out and then shoved it down their throats, they would be a stonger person for it? I'd love a ginnea pig for that! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There will be a time when your wife really needs you Chris, I hope that when faced with that, you do for her, as you if in the same situation would want her to do for you. BTW, I think your doing a fantastic Job with your kids [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'd love to clone you.. I have a twin sister <smirk> And your absolutely right in telling Mimi to get out and "let her hair down".. Flirt? Ohhh hell yeah! but make sure that's all you do. Dance? Ohhhh yeah! Dance like you've never danced before! Who the heck cares??? Just make sure you leave as you came.. Alone. You'll feel soooo much better about yourself and you'll know that you "still got it!" And Chris.. Kick up your heels! Go dancing! Go bowling! and Have FUN! It's not the end of your world... just the beginning [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I know after the divorce, when your ready to start meeting women, your biggest fear is that "who the heck wants a man with all those kids??" I'll tell you who! A whole hell of a lot of women.. Good, Loving women.. just waiting for you to become available to them. Your what every decent, loving woman looks for in a lifetime partner. <p>I hope you guys have a great day! What helped me when everything looked hopeless was looking in the mirror and saying: "[censored] em all, I'm intelligent, not half bad looking, funny, and I have a life too!"<p>Take Care,<p>Robin