Robin - I read your story and good luck with your marriage - I know how hard it is to fix a relationship but at least your husband sounds like he is a willing participant - that would be what me and lost in space are missing in our relationships...I think and a waver back and forth on this that I am ready to move on - though it is tough...<p>Chris - Things are ok with me I guess - I had a bad night last night - My husband was over which is ok he was watching the kids and mowing the lawn - and at first he was going to give up all his rights to the house and now he is decided that he is getting screwed so we had a huge discussion - which kind of sucked - but then in the middle of it all the neighborhood kids were all fighting and one of the mothers yelled at my kid because she thinks that he r kid does no wrong - so I had to deal with that and I told the lady you know they are 9 let them deal with it themselves for gods sake I have to much on my plate as it is now... anyways back to my husband, house discussion - he was like I am just gonna be walking away with a tv and a futon - and I am like yes - you wanted it that way - anyways to make a long story short - I am going to buy him out of the house in a certain amount of years (to be decided upon) the value of the house at the time of the divorce less all of our mutual debt that we are combining into the mortgage... It kind of sucks but I am not trying to screw him - I can't really legally anyways... yes he did screw up my life but he has to live with that... I did nothing wrong - right??? And yes he has been hanging around alot and that is ok with me now because if in fact he is doing the neighbor then I want him there as much as possible to piss her off... Life for her in my neighborhood is very uncomfortable right now... Oh to bad - huh??? I haven't really been getting out and I cannot imagine flirting with someone - I am just not ready to go there at all - anytime soon... Even though it probably may be just what I need - But I am not going there - Tonight I am going to see my neices play - then tomorrow I am going to clean my house because it is getting appraised on Tuesday - I sent in the mortgage papers today so I should hear back very quickly - then I will live in my house with my girls for as long as I can afford it - Hopefully it won't be as hard as I think... I need to get thrifty.... I cannot believe your wife doesn't work - will that allow her to receive alimony ???? See I have always worked so at leasst I have that going for me which is good for my kids at least that I am able to stay in the home and provide for them... The whole situation is really sad - I just can't deal with anymore - I just want everything overwith so I can try to rebuild... I know it isn't going to be easy but I know in time it will get better - I am not sure about the stronger for it thing still but I know that I can survive it and time heals all wounds to some extent..So do you have any plans for the weekend??/ Weather wise it is suppose to be beautiful here this weekend so that will be nice.. I don't know when my husband is planning to hang around but I am sure he will be around.... talk to you later...

Mimi - Please don't give in to him to easily, he may want the world and be entitled to half of it from the leagal point of view, but you still have the kids to raise, and provide a home for. Too me it dosen't matter if yhe does pay you child support, to start out you need much more then him to provide for yourself and the girls. I would be very direct with him, and let him know that after everything he has done,a dn the way he has chose to screw up his kids lives, the least he can do is to back away with only what he needs and try to give the kids the best opportunity to live a decent live and get some normality back in their lives. If he does have any decency left in him he will recognize this and give in. The way I look at it is that the spouse that ends up rasing the kids unless it is a fifty/fifty custody split complete with living arrangements, the spouse that raises the kids should be entitiled to 70% of the total worth. No court will look at it this way, but nobody said the court is fair. If your kids are enything like mine at present, it is a different mood every week, if not every day. I look at the five year old and for such a happy boy he has been up to now, he has sure gotten whiney lately. I hope this is a phase, and all I can do is be there for him, keep him happy, and try to talk about things. I don't have a clue if I should be trying to talk to him about his mom, I just don't think he has the ability to talk about his feelings or understand them. Everytime he starts whining, I get this hate feeling in my heart for what his mother has done. I don't think anyone could tell me he would be going through this if she had not done things the way she did. I even look at it and say if she had to leave, we could have worked something out to make the whole thing as easy on the kids as possible, but now with all she has done, a part of me is concerned with everything she does, and feels she is as much as a bad influence as a good influence. My weekend started out great, the five year old was whiney all day, the 3 year has pink eye in both eyes, and my wife is in town, and picked up the kids for a while tonight. (With her boyfriend of course, the nice [censored] he is.)So all weekend I get to deal with her, she will most likely want to try to set up some type of custody aggreement before court next week, because I would think she does not feel to good about her chances. That is not my concern, but I hav eto think about what will be best overall for the kids, as I still try to retain guardianship. Once we are done in court next Tuesday, I will hit her up with what she wants and ask for the divorce, then we can proceed with dividing up our stuff, and settling into the new life we will be making for each of ourselves. I must admit I am trying to make conversation with other woman, and they are usually more then willing to make conversation. For me this is fine because that is all I want for now, anything more will take time as I feel any relationship would just include to much of my own baggage. At some point I will cross that bridge, so for now it is just nice to know that other woman take a interest. For you it will all happen when you are comfortable with it, and I don't think it is right to push yourself into something you might not want. Try to find something that can make you feel good about yourself, and get your mind off this other stuff.<p>Robin - It sounds like in your relationsip where you are still having a very hard time accepting your husband and what he has done. Do you think it is largely that right now he is not the person that you want to be spending time with, based on what he has done and the pain he has caused. I think that going back into my relationship with my wife now is not somehting I want, because she was so dependant on me, did not have the want to go out and find things to do for herself, and did not seem to feel emotions the same as I did. I am the type of person that can be outside on a nice day, and that can be enough to put me in a very good mood. I cannot remember right now ever seeing her smile or be really happy. I don't know this may all be a part of the hatred I am feeling, and justifying my reason to grant her the divorce she wants. Once a person goes through these things you really are forced to take a look at yur life and what you want. Presently that does not include my wife, and furthermore she has left me and the kids in a place that it is not a option. As far as how I will treat her, my motto is that I do not ever want to give her something that she can say that's why I had a affair because he did those kind of things. I will treat her in a civil fashion, but now I am at the point I am looking out for the kids and myself. Unfortunately for her that means that I will not do anything for her like I once would have and did. That life and this is my life. Talk to you latter.<p>You ladies both have a excellent weekend, enjoy the weather, adn try to find something to look forward to. Chris

Hello Mimi & Chris - <p>I hope both of you get to have some enjoyment for yourselves this weekend. God knows you both not only need it, but deserve it. Neither one of your spouses truely realize just what a wonderful person you both are. THEY don't DESERVE YOU. And that's why they got what they have now.. I wish you both the best with your current legal battles ahead of you. You guys are survivors, we all are just trying to survive one way or another and recover with or without our WS. This isn't the end of your lives, and you both know that. It's merely the beginning of the rest of your life, a happier life and there's a special someone just waiting for you to be ready for a loving, meaningful, honest relationship.. and when your ready, they will come to you. I hope that a year from know, you both are still checking in here and giving an update not for the same reasons you are now but to say your doing Fantastic and you have this going for you now, and this person is in your life now and so on and so on... And if you don't come back here to this message board.. then I'll know your just too darn busy LIVING and ENJOYING your life now. My heart truly goes out to both of you. I was seriously in the frame of mind the both of you are in now last year. I had my divorce papers drawn up, I had the dividing of the properties done, I was prepared to go through with it knowing I had 3 children who hated their father for what he did to us. It's veryyy hard on teenage boys. It's hard on all children involved. But personally, Teenagers kinda understand relationships and therefore they feel like you do but not so deeply. They want (need) both their parents in some sort of way. 1 out of my 3 teenage boys wanted to "talk" to their father.. the other 2 wanted to litterally beat the piss out of him. I told them that if anyone was going to beat the piss out of him.. it would be me. I didn't.. wanted to sooo badly and he thought I was going to.. but I wasn't going to give him that statisfaction of bringing me down as low as himself to make him feel better by being punished by me like that. I have never hit my husband, nor him me. Yes I am reconcilling, yes our marriage is recovering...yes the scars are so deep I second guess myself and think "I should have just gone through with the divorce"... God only knows if this will workout. But I'm hopeful. Just really sad when I think of my 19 yr old who is going into Basic Training for the Military next month only to Outrank his father to "show him"... he says he hates his father and will never forgive him for what he did. But deep down inside, he loves him. My son had to deal with his girlfriend at the time, cheating on him at the same time my H did. It's a hard road, no matter which path we take.. it's all in a matter of just trying to survive the road we chose.<p>Yes, I still have issues.. deep scars do not heal well. You both are close to the end of your marriages and the beginning of your lives. I pray for happier times for the both of you. God doesn't put us through any more than what we can handle.. Yeah, I know.. I've told him to STOP, I'm burnt out. Better days are ahead! You have your beautiful children and your lives ahead of you.<p>Try an enjoy the weekend and the beautiful day.<p>Robin

Mimi - Where have you gone? Hope everything is OK. Tomorrow is court day, I feel kinda sick tonight. I'll check in after court to see if you have come back. Chris

Lost - <p>I'm worried about Mimi also - I didnt hear from here at all this weekend or yesterday - Just not like her. I sure hope everything is ok.<p>Good luck in Court - I will be thinking of you.<p>Jen

hello - I am fine everyone just had a really bad weekend and Monday.. I have been thinking about you Chris because I know that today is your court day and I hope all goes well - you deserve a break and your kids deserve to be with you - that is for sure... My weekend was just very emotional - I woke up Saturday Morning with the neighbors husband calling me at 8am telling me that they were still talking - I called my husband he came right over and he said again that there was nothing going on with them and that there never was - then I got all of the missing phone bills and her number was the only one on it - so we went back and forth again... and he still says he didn't sleep with her that he had the affair but it wasn't with her they were just friends...Anyways I don't know what to believe - but after talking with him and him telling me that he was gonna get the last laugh because there was nothing going on with her and he wasn't going to be with her in the future - I have decided for my sanity that I will believe him... I love him still - yes we are getting divorced but I don't know - I just don't know how to shut off my feelings after 19 years - you know.. Robin sometime s when he tells me that I will never forgive and he will never have his freedom I will always question him I think maybe he is on to something - I really don't know how I would ever trust him... I guess in some way I am hoping somewhere along the line he is gonna want to come back to me - but I don't think so - You know Robin I thought that I have been weak through all of this but my lawyer told me it takes a strong person to forgive someone for betrayal and you have done that... My problem is that I would love to forgive but I don't think my husband is ready to live with what he did and he wants the easy way out.. So I guess we are just gonna have to be friends - I still want him in my life - he is a major part of it - and no one can understand why I don't hate him....Chris really doesn't like his wife much and frankly I don't blame him she is blantantly throwing someone in his face which I cannot even imagine.... Chris you are very strong and you definately have your priorities straight and I hope that court goes well for you - I will check in later and sorry if anyone was worried - I was just in a bad place for days - hopefully I am coming out... My kids are ok they take each day as it comes - I think they worry about me more then themselves which is acutally nice...... Well I will check in later - jen I emailed you with my update...

Mimi - Things went good in court as far as a custody hearing can go. Over the last few days I have just had a sick feeling in my stomach. It was not because I was worried that things wouldn't go good, nearly as much as just the feeling of what we were deciding. Who are the kids better off to be with because we live so far apart now. I tell you it is just a horrible feeling, knowing that due to distance at present the kids can only be with one parrent regularly. There is no winning in this type of situation. Last night my wife came over and we talked about the kids, I was not moving in my stance for the kids. She eventually just gave in, and then she started to cry, and man did I feel horrible. I don't want to hurt her, or the kids, and it is all so confusing. Part of me looks at her and says how bad are things going to get for her, and I don't want to make things any worse then they already are. You mentioned in the previous note that I was not very happy with my wife and last week I was feeling alot of hatred for her, this week I only feel sad for her. This is all such a horrible thing to go through after so many years. I still love her in some ways, over the last few days I looked for any incling that she may be faltering in her realtionship with the other guy. Unfortunately she is as direct in wanting the divorce as ever, still no answers, no reasons, not anything. We started conversations about who will get what as far as the house, etc. She wants to file for divorce as soon as possible. This is all happening way to fast right now, at least if she would talk to me and even call me every name in the book, I think that would be easier. So its on to the next step in my new life, I am relieved with what happened today, but am not happy for the kids or my wife. Hope your day is going good. PS we decided to go for joint custody with me being the primary home for the kids, and her having the kids every second weekend and during the summer for three weeks. For the kids sake she is at least going to stay in contact for now. Only time will tell.

You know your wife must be in one hell of a fog.. I just can't imagine a mother - especially a stay at home mother only wanting to take her kids every couple of weekends and three weeks in the summer - that is going to have some sort of effect on the kids I am sure.. At least I would think she would want to move alot closer to make it easier on everyone.. I can imagine how you feel about her not talking to you.. My husband talks to me I just don't think anything he says makes any sense - I don't understand how we could be married to people for so long and not have a clue how unhappy they were .. In all actuality I don't think my husband was unhappy - I just think he has a problem with the guilt and what this has done to our family and he can't live with it... It is kind of like aliens have invaded their brains... This divorce thing is scary isn't it.. It is like you are thinking about everyone else and you feel she is probably only thinking about herself because she is the one who caused all of this turmoil.. That is how I feel when my husband says I am not gonna have any money or something like that.. I am like that is your decision - I am not going to have any money either and I am overwhelmed with the prospect of staying here alone with the kids but I know I can do it and I know that is what they need now more than anything - stability.. And you are also providing that in your household and I know how tough it is day in and day out ... Divorce just basically sucks I guess... And to think we really haven't even started down that road... As for splitting things up on my end basically everything is gonna stay here except a tv, bureau, some dishes, pots and pans etc... he is actually leaving all of his tools here because he can't take them to an apartment - you know chainsaw in the living room would be odd don't you think??? I don't know I guess I just haven't faced reality that it is really happening -- Why I don't know... I just know once he gets his apartment on July 12 I will not be seeing much of him and I know that is when it is really gonna sink in and I am going to be hurt.. But I need to keep busy... Doing what I don't know... But if we continue on the way we have been getting along it will be ok.. I am hoping that we can be good friends not right away but in time.... I hope the same for you... I think we need to at least for the kids..Plus I still haven't got angry I am not sure what is up with that.... But maybe it will come in time.. Well I am off for now I am going to watch a movie.. I am glad you are making decisions and moving in that direction it makes things clearer when you move ahead - though I know deep down niether one of us want this outcome.. But god never gives us more than we can handle - now that line is right up there with it will only make you stronger don't you think??? And the plenty of single people out there??/ Keep your chin up :}

Mimi - I wonder if your husband has broke off contact with teh other woman, and that is why she is calling you to find some way to get back at him. Do you have any kind of bad blood history with her or her husband that would make her do the things she is doing. Between her and your husband it would be best if they would both just get lost for awhile. It sounds like they are both in some kind of a denial stage. My wife appologizes for what she has done, but I don't think she really beleives she has done anything that wrong. She just looks so spaced out when I talk to her. I asked her the other day if she was doing drugs or was pregnant. Needless to say she took exception to both comments. Your right about her giving up the kids, she says that she didn't want to, but she just dosen't seem that overly upset, she is taking after her mom in so many ways, adn for that it is most likely just as good to get out now. Your right divorce sucks, I always thought two people wanted out at the same time, and both wanted a divorce. Guess I was wrong. I'm going for now, it's been a long couple of days. She is gone again tomorrow, and every time she leaves now it gets a bit easier. For some reason when she leaves, she can just walk away. Someday I hope to be able to understand enough to be able to feel this was entirely her and in general most people are loving and good. I'm kind off there now, but at other times not. Latter

Chris - Actually the lady next door and I were friends I believed I just didn't know she had this secret relationship with my husband.. he admits to having an affair just not with her - he steadfastly denies that there was ever anything going on with her except a friendship.. he also states that he will get the last laugh because he has no plans to be with her whatsoever and he is not with her at all... So why all the secrecy I ask??/ But like I said I have choosen to believe him - at least for my sanity... I just can't think about it - I guess I have to accept the fact that my marriage is over... Why I still question that I am still not sure - I keep getting most of the blame - because I will never forgive him, my family will never treat him right etc.... Who knows... I just know that I am on the edge and pretty much sick of everything and everyone - he feels the same way he says - that is why he is going to go away to his apartment and hole up - and only talk to me and the kids... Who knows - I need to go on with my life - but the sad fact is I still don't want to go on without him... Oh well guess I need reality.. you are right about two people wanting a divorce - I at least thought you had to have problems in your marriage before something like that happened - who knows maybe we will be better off in the long run - I don't know - but the sad truth is we are both going to find out one way or the other... I just think problems with the kids - mine and yours are coming even if we don't see it yet - and that is not fair - because our spouses choose to be selfish or just plain wacked everyone must suffer... The lady next door and I are not talking - she insists that there is nothing going on and I choose not to believe that so that is my problem and she is very smug about everything - I would think she would want to clear her name if she wasn't guilty.. I just know I am sick of everything..... I want a normal life... And you???? I am waiting for the day it gets easier when he walks away - I am not near that at all....

Hey Chris - I am assuming that your wife left and that you are busy I am hoping that everything went ok.. with you and the kids. I am sure it is all pretty difficult for everyone... I am still haning on somedays I wonder how but I seem to make it through everyday. You know all of these problems in my life and I still can't figure out what I did or why they are going on??? I guess I will probably never have the answer to that question !! Now I will probably not see my husband until Sunday - so hopefully I am going to be ok with that and not bother him - I need to try to keep busy with me and the kids and not try to involve him - wish me luck... I am at work and I need to concentrate on getting some work done today I am way behind.. My day at the busstop (thank god school is almost over) started with the neighbors husband apologizing to me because i am a good person and his wife is actively pursuing my husband - he is what she wants etc... Now my husband has and continues to reassure me that nothing happened with them that they were only friends and that he isn't going to talk to her anymore because it causes to much pain for everyone involved - I on the other hand have no idea what or who to believe ??? What do you think?? I want to believe my husband because I have told him on many occassions that if things are to go smoothly and he wants a normal relationship with me - that she cannot be involved and that I don't appreciate him talking to her about me at all... So who knows??? I am actually looking forward to 2003 I figure it has got to be way better than 2002 what do I have like 6 months to go??? talk to you later.. Mimi

Chris - Were worried about you - hope everything went ok with your wife leaving and all the kids are fine.<p>Jen

Hey Chris it is me Mimi - hope everything is ok - life for me is ok - had my nails done tonight my treat to myself.. My husband called me to talk about buying furniture for his apartment - He is just running away I fear.. But I guess friends is better than nothing right?? Hope to talk to you soon.. Mimi

I'm doing Ok, it's just been sdo hectic for the last few days. Between work and the kids I haven't had a chance to do anything. Tomorrow is the start of the weekend and I will have time to catch up. Talk to you latter. Chris

OK Chris glad to know everything is ok... I was sure it was you are a very capable person - but with all those kids you must pull your hair out somedays - I mean I want to with two girls... This morning my youngest who has hair down to her butt - wants to get it cut and I said I am going to have to talk to Daddy and she said why do you have to talk to him about everything if you two are breaking up - now good question why do I give him the benefit of making every decision with me still... I am being way to nice aren't I??? especially if my 9 year old is noticing it??? Last night he went to buy furniture and I kid you not he didn't buy it yet and actually called me from the furniture store to discuss it with me... Does this sound like a man who is totally divorcing his wife and wants to go on his own???? I am thinking if I just stop being there for him he actually might realize how lost he is going to be without us - what do you think??? Tonite he is suppose to call the kids and I am thinking about taking them out for the night and not being home when he calls - god forbid we have a life and don't sit around and wait for him to call... Who knows - I need to face reality that this man wants a divorce from me and my marriage is over yet I don't know how to do that... How is your 17 year old?? Now I have been trying to do the math on her?? You are 34 young and you have been with your wife for 12 years - is she both your daughter?? Did you have her before you got married ?? Just curious ?? Is she still at her Moms apartment or back with you??? Well I will check in later... What the heck timezone are you in you always are on the computer so late?? or should I say so early???? Talk to you later... Mimi

Mimi - Your husband does sound very confused, and with him treating you like you are still together by asking your advise on everything, and keeping in such close contact, it sounds very hard to tell if he knows exactly what he wants. He is still proceeding with the divorce, and moving out on his own, but still seems to need you for so much. I don't think that what he wants is the most important thing right now. I think what you feel you are capable of is the most important thing. See he may be in a place that within a year form now he could be wanting you back in the worst way, or he could be divorced and with another person. Because of this that is why I think you need to decide for yourself what you would want one year from now. I don't know you that well, but I beleive what I am about to say about the majority of people. I think that alot of people go through some very serious rejection when they first discover the affair, and this hurts so bad that all they want is their spouse back initially. I beleive as time passes the want for their spouse becomes more as they really feel negelected hurt, adn tossed aside. After a long time frame they start to say oh well, and relax, accept their life, and get into a routine without their spouse. For some reason this is when the spouse seems to usually come back. At this point it seems that the person that was the victim suddenly goes through a stage where they don't want the person back, they question if they still love the person, if they copuld forgive them, if their is enough between the two to rekindle the chemistry. Got to go, I have a sick kid. I'll try to finish latter.

That is good advice and you are right - I kind of haven't accepted that he isn't going to be in my life because he still is... I can't face reality when he is always here needing me etc... He says that I will be fine he just has to go away and be by himself which to me means that he wants to go out and date etc. and he says no...He has no plans. I hope that I can go on and it will get easier but I just cannot see that right now - that is like my huge major problem.. Everytime the witch next door drives away or I see her on her telephone I swear that my heart falls to my feet. My sister cannot understand why I would even want him after everything that he has done to me?? And you know I don't know why either - except that I can't imagine my life without him.. I am having huge problems facing reality I guess.... So sick kids that stinks.. Usually when one gets sick it goes through the whole house hopefully that is not the case - Hope things are going well besides that - I will chat later.. Mimi

Mimi - Sorry I got cut off last time, but to finish where I was going. Have you really decided what it is that you love about him. Have you thought about what would happen if he suddenly wanted you back? I think that if this happened you may be in for a time when you may not want to have anything to do with him. Maybe you are a very strong person, and can forgive easily, but don't you think without him making some changes in his life that he could end up back in the same place. I look at my wife and know she has not done anything at all to recognize why she did what she did. She constantly says I just didn't give her the love she needed. That maybe or may not be true, but how she handled it is what I am very upset about, as well as the inability for her to let me know things were as bad as they were. I have thought through what would happen if, this is a fault of mine. I seem to spend alot of time thinking of my life in the future versus at the moment. It does give me the insight to understand things like this, as well gives me the ability to look forward to the future. I will admit, that presently my life is not very much fun. I want friends to do things with, I guess you could say i crave for companionship, but don't know where to find it presently. It seems like things are so busy at home, I don't know where I find time to get out and get to know people. I think that over the next few months I will need to work on that type of thing. My wife is phoning the kids on a daily basis, which is good for the kids, but we are not talking since we both have nothing to say to each other. I hope you can start to think about what your future would be like with you and your kids. For you this will give you somehting to look forward to. Can you think about taking a trip somewhere, since this would give you somehting to look forward to. I am thinking about doing that this fall, Mexico, Cuba, or somewhere where there is lots of people that like to do things. I don't know what the chances are, but I'm starting to plan something like this anyway if the money slows down.
A few other questions you asked last week. First of all I'm in the pacific time zone, which I beleive puts me around 3-4 hours behind you. The girls have been very lazy lately, adn I have had to come down on them to show more responsibility. They seem to sleep or hang with their friends all the time. Last night the oldest had three boys and a girlfriend camp out in the back yard. The 14 year old had two girlfriends sleep over. The five year old and three year old got the keys to my van, got in it while I was working in the garage on my quad with a friend, and put it in gear. It ran down the driveway and into the side of this guys truck. It scared the little ones and me, and will end up costing around 3-4 thousand dollars to fix both vehicles. Overall I'm just lucky that neither kid was outside in front of the vehicle. I do honestly watch them very closely, I just can't beleive this happened. Also three out of five of us have been sick, but overall everything is going better then it was a few months ago. These are all bumps in my road, and I'll keep working to get through them. Take care, and remember you are a good person, adn you deserve better then your going through right now. Chris

Chris - well the children driving the van can happen to anyone - it actually happened to my youngest when she was about 3 - she got into the car and locked the doors and the windows of course and put the car into gear and it rolled down a hill - thankfully it ran into the woods so it just crashed up my car a little bit - but that is enough to give anyone an early heart attack - that is for sure - I am sure you watch them very carefully but accidents happen... I don't know what I love about him - my therapist and I discussed that last time I was there - he is the life of the party - he can do anything he sets his mind to and I guess what it boils down to is that I am afraid of being single - I can't imagine it - I guess I am not good with change - well this is actually life altering change but still change none the less.... You know I agree with you the way our spouses handled their problems was wrong for everyone involved - My husband says he hasn't been happy in awhile but you know I don't believe that - I think that is the excuses that he is making to make himself feel better... I guess i crave for companionship also but I am not sure I am ready for it.. I kind of find it easier to just hang out with my kids and my sister then having to explain my life to people you know - I guess I have been hiding out for a long time - I am actually glad you are in the Pacific Time Zone - I just pictured you up every night into the wee hours on your computer - I know sleep can be very difficult most of the time - I don't like sleep overs my kids are still cranky when their friends go home and sometimes it is not worth it... You are right I do deserve better as do you - No one deserves to be cheated on - I actually wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy - School is out next week and most activities are over - so hopefully my husband won't be around much and I can start to face my life without him - We are actually probably going to end up friends which is much easier on the kids - but I have to stop thinking of him as my husband and move on - a huge problem for me.... Talk later - Mimi

Mimi- It sounds like you know what you like about your husband and also know what you feel about yourself to be afraid to be alone. I don't feel that I want a relationship rather that I want soemone to keep me company at times. I just crave the friendship of having someone to talk to, and to do things with. We have had a few just gorgeous days, and it seems those kind of days are really tough. You see so many other couples out together, your memories of things you did all seem to come back right in front of you. I sometimes wonder what my wife would have done if I had chose to do what she chose to do. As I try to balance all the things, I just really don't think she would have been able to handle it. Do you ever wonder how your husband would have handled something like that. It dosen't make me wish I would have ever done it, nut when I get feeling sorry for myself, I start to wonder. Only on of my neighbors know that my wife has left, I think all the others are starting to clue in after this long. They don't ask questions they just seem to look lots. I was outside tonight mowing the lawn and I thought no way do I want to get into any serious relationships at present, I just don't think I could trust anyone right now. I knwo they would not be like my wife most likely, but a part of you says what if they were. I have also fought with my morals for so long. Being raised in a strict Catholic family, I beleived divorce was so Taboo that I would have never even thought about it. My mother has been nice enought o let me know that I cannot get into any relationships until my current one is anauled (don't know how to spell it). A part of you really starts to wonder where religion fits into the whole equation when you try to do things the best you can, and it seems so much goes wrong. One question you asked the other day was to try and put together the older kids in the equation. The oldest three are my ex-wifes (need to get used to it his way) from a previous relationship. Their dad also walked out of their life when the kids were five, two, and one. I met their mom shortly after she split with him, and have been with them for twelve years. For those three this has to be very hard. Who knows what the future will hold for them. Latter, I'm heading to bed by 10:00, hopefully, I say that every night, but it usually ends up around 11:30. Talk to you latter. Chris