H asked me what I would tell our D when she was older about me pushing him away. I threw the question back at him and asked him what he would tell her. This is his response:<p>I will tell her I made a mistake but I loved her mother without being loved back and that we never had time for each other except the nights I had to play soccer or hockey. I will tell her and show her what I did for you on Wed anniv. and birthdays and Christmas and tell her about how I was talked amoung my friends as being a romantic. How I fixed up the house and how good
of a person a tried to be . I will tell her I tried to accept her mother as she was and all her hang ups .. I will tell her how I was compared to other guys and tell her how I was taken for granted . I will tell her how I made
dinner and you never came home. I will tell her how I made your life richer by bringing you into my family even though your friends and family never thought I was the best person for you. I will tell her that you loved me the best you could but not good enough . I will tell her you are a wonderful person and the best mother in the world and if she would hav loved me half
as much as she loved you ( Jenna) we would have been together still. I will tell her we that we made mistakes and it was too late for me to love you again no matter what you think. I gave you time to love me , I am sorry if you needed more time... <p>I only wanted to love once ...you made it too easy not to. <p>Boy, is this an "all over" email or NOT?

It sounds so self-pitying that it makes me sick.<p>I would like to think that in either of your shoes I would simply say that we loved each other but love isn't enough--you need respect, trust, friendship. That we both made mistakes and some of them were mistakes that the other could not accept or forgive. And that we still care for each other but just can't live happily together.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm<p>How about To H:
I have two choices on what I might say to Jenna in the future. I prefer #2. I love you and I want to work on our marriage.<p>Dear Jenna --
I loved your father completely. I wanted our marriage to last, and would have done anything to make that happen.<p>I didn't realize your father was unhappy. Instead of talking to me about our problems and what we could do to make things better, he found another woman and confided all of those things to her instead. <p>He moved out and never gave me a chance to make him happy.<p>Love, Mom<p>
What I would rather say is this:<p>Dear Jenna:
I hope you have a happy successful marriage. Please understand that all marriages take committment and work. Its not always perfect, but you can come through the hard times stronger and better than before.<p>It hasn't always been perfect between your parents. We've had our share of hurt and pain. But we love each other and we love you (and your little brothers and sisters). The hard times we experienced made us understand each other and work hard to keep our family together. And now we're better than ever.<p>love, Mom and Dad

Lex, My sentiments exactly. It seems to be written with so much emotion but maybe it's just me holding on to the past. Dpn't know anymore. Thanks for checking in...<p>Have a wonderful Mother's Day. I'll be thinking of you and hoping it goes well.

Terri,
The fact that he's realizing someday he will have to explain his actions to his daughter actually is a good thing. That he's planning to blame you is not a good thing.<p>Just like with everybody else, your daughter, when older, will see your actions, his actions and draw her own conclusions. There may be details to clarify--like Dad left--but she'll know who was there for her. Who put her to bed, where home was.<p>He's yanking your chain again. <p>Behave with dignity and love to your daughter, and that will take care of most of the explanation on your part. And, if more is needed, there's the truth--he left you AND her because he was having an inappropriate relationship with another woman.

Dear H,
I'm sorry you feel that you. I will tell her:<p>D,
Your Dad loves you very much. Unfortunately he was not happy in our marriage and sought out someone else to make him happy rather than telling me. I'm sorry for the pain we went through in the divorce but life is unpredictable. I'm glad we got through it and had a happy and full life in spite of our circumstances. <p>--------------------------------
Terri,
The "I'm sorry you feel that way" gives him permission to have his feelings (no matter how irrational they are!). It says you care but it is NOT your problem. His feelings are his problems to address. The rest lets him know that it is painful for both of you but only for a short time and shows him the picture of you and D just fine without him and that you do not NEED him to make you happy!

T -- if you want my opinions on what he wrote to you, its this: he is expressing to you some of this frustrations and disappointments (missing EN's that might have led to his affair) <p>Accept his words as a blessing T. This is a way he is communicating to you -- actually maybe in a less hurtful way than he has in the past. <p>Use all of this in your Plan A. This is what you need to convince him has changed.<p>He's positioning it in a "blaming" kind of way because he's using it to justify himself -- thats just human nature. Its too hard on the pysche to just face that your values and actions are sooooo low. So he's built a case in his own mind of all the reasons YOU drove him to it.<p>So Plan A is about acknowledging your share -- changing what you can, and demonstrating those new actions to him any way he lets you.<p>And you've done that T. You've done a good job of it. But I really would look at that e-mail as a way of him reaching out. <p>Do something nice to honor your anniversary.

I have to agree with Lexxxy... your H is reaching out to you. He has given you SO MUCH information in this one email. What is left in you to plan A is laid right out for you! Consider yourself very fortunate to have this opportunity. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take the hints your H has given you, use them to your advantage, and then forget about the conversation that led to the email in the first place. It will only hurt you to focus on the reasons why he told you this.<p>Besides, it's not important right now... nor is it an issue. Yes, you should think about what to tell Jenna when she asks you, "Why doesn't daddy live with us".... but she's not even 3 yrs old yet!!! All you need to have for her is an age appropriate response - you'll know best what your daughter will understand.<p>Always remember that the truth will always shine through. Lies change, but truth is constant. Jenna's a smart girl. She can see the difference. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen<p>p.s. I'm home again tonight if you want to talk on the phone. You can call up until 11pm, k?

I think he's full of poopoo and this is one more attempt to push your buttons. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I AM SO SORRY! <p>This man is sick. He really needs some professional help... (I'm not sure if he is in therapy or not).<p>The best thing you can do is ignore his future emails. His question was merely bait. He set you up so he could reply exactly how he did. Who KNOWS how either of you will tell her in the future!? <p>AND if he would really tell his daughter those things, I wouldn't let him near my child. That is so unfair to a child ~ no matter how old!<p>I'm deeply saddened by his behavior towards you. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He is trying to manipulate you and control you. TAKE THAT CONTROL AWAY FROM HIM. <p>Hang in there sweetie. You are much stronger than you realize!

After reading the last reply I agree in one part. Do not address the question he asked. Its his way of sucking you in. But I do not agree with doing Plan A. Nothing has changed in your H, He is still angry and still blames you. Are you in Plan B? I thought you were.<p>Now I think a better response would be<p>Dear H,
I'm sorry you feel that you. I will talk to daughter in an age appropriate way as the need arises/when she asks questions.

p.s. His email does not even deserve a response from you. It only gives him more ammo.<p>He's sitting around thinking of any and every way he can to aggravate you.

Dear T,<p>You should look him in the eye and say...... don't you think our daughter is intelligent even at this young age? Of course, he will say yes. <p>Then say, then do you think she will honestly believe what you wrote? Because I will give this to her when she is older and she will get to compare it to the real memories of you....... now you need to hurry up and get the D papers going before you get even better (or get to be a better liar than you are right now)!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>confusing babble? You bet. <p>L.

My POV, For what it's worth [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep the e-mail in your legal file to help the judge require your husband to get counseling before he gets visitation of your daughter. This evidence that he plans to continue his emotional hatchet job of you is vindictive, malicious and evil! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

I agree that it was manipulative -- he obviously asked so that he could provide his answer.<p>But thats the key I think. He wanted you to have this information. Now its up to you what you do with it.<p>I also find it VERY interesting that he said this to you the day before your anniversary. Especially since he was mentioning special things he did for you on those days in the past. <p>Maybe he's trying to tell you its your turn to be the romantic -- and not to take him for granted.

Oh... I just wanted to add: Tell your H that he needs to be bronzed. You know like the statue?<p>Set in the front of your home as an ornament!!! I mean, he is such a great guy and sooo lovable you need to put him on display for all to see. That way when the birds come down to rest or roost on the statue....... oops! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Really so he actually believes he is doing great and can't get better? T, you have got to do better than that. <p>I would look him square in the eye and say, well if you believe this then I had better replace you quickly...... you are just way too good for the likes of me. I need a real man not a bronzed one!! <p>T, don't let his stupidity get to you. You and your daughter plus others know he is being a jerk. If he wants to prance around in his fog, let him. Everyone will the the Emperor in his 'new clothes' (but nekked). <p>When I had that kind of babble thrown at me, I would just look at my H (say some stuff like the above) and then smile. If it was too funny I would laugh. Sometimes he actually caught on that I was laughing at him (but not always - too foggy) and he would ask why. One time I was laughing too hard I said that I could not explain it but I am sure he could go ask other people their opinion. I apologized for laughing but I said you are being such a jerk, haven't you laughed at others when they do such a stupid thing? He said yes. Then he realized he was being stupid and a jerk. He even laughed!!!! Then I saw some healing. <p>L.

Dear Terrified, No offense, but your husband's feelings have been hurt. - I know your's have been too, in the worst of ways, but his e-mail tells me that he's been harboring hurt for YEARS!! If anything, my Hs A made me deal with some hurts he had dealt ME years ago. He's hurt. He wants to hear you say "I'm sorry." He wants you to admit that you played a part in putting your marriage in the shape it was in. If both of you have any desire to work this out, start by looking him in the eye and saying, "You are not my enemy." Then ask him to do the same. I'd bet he'll have trouble doing this. He sees you as his enemy.<p>And yes he's trying to justify his actions. I'll bet 90% of WSs do this. (if not more). My WH was not as heartless with his justification, he simply said I did not make him feel wanted. Other than that, I was perfect and at least trying to do everything right. Look at the wonderful compliment he paid you in your e-mail. He said you were a WONDERFUL PERSON and the BEST MOTHER in the whole WORLD!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Wow that says a lot!!!! I know he followed it with an insult, but that's his pride and ego talking. That's his excusing himself for hurting a WONDERFUL PERSON and the BEST MOTHER in the whole WORLD! <p>So where do you go from here? Good question. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] But I bet you are a really wonderful person and a super mother too!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: jamup ]</p>

ok one little giggle I got out of his response too.....<p>
"except the nights I HAD to play soccer or hockey...."<p>HAD TO????? <p>My H was that stupid too!!!

Dear T,<p>Been thinkin' about you. How are you doing?<p>L.

T, Do be careful and don't alienate him more... treat him like a sick child... he is acting like one! but acknowledge your mistakes to him... and that you wanted to be more and do more and that you want to try now... do tell him... maybe you can start being friends again? Maybe he can have some forgiveness.. tell him you would like to be closer.. if only he would try and not turn to someone else instead of you.<p>By the way... how does he know this overseas bimbo? hope I am not triggering you, just wondering.... <p>hugs, and I hope you have a wonderful mothers day.<p>Honey

I agree with lexxy and janup, he has opened up to you. Yes he is wallowing in self pity but he's opened up. <p>I think that the Plan A approach to this would be to acknowledge your part in the state of things. Acknowledge the good things he had done. Perhaps you would also say that you are saddened that he had not shared this with you long before now, when you could have learned to meet his EN's in the manner he wanted. You may also want to say that during the years EN's of yours were not met either, and you too failed to tell him what you needed (if this is true). And then tell him that his is about what you would tell your daughter should she ask.<p>His email is angry and blaming. And indignant response would seem to be warranted. But a kinder, gentler (plan A’ish) response would be actually be more appropriate and would put him off balance. By doing this would throw him off balance. It’s not what you expect from him.<p>Often people only see their own side of the story. It’s hard, but acknowledge his. <p>I also agree that you need to keep a copy of the email, and your response.<p>When my ex-h and I were going through the evaluation for child custody and visitation, I had a very fat folder of the letters, very similar to your h’s and ones accusing me of being a bad mother. I gave them to the evaluators. I never had to say anything bad about him, his own words showed them where he was at.