Hello everyone, <p>I don't post here much. I usually just lurk. I still find it amazing how so many people can be going through the same things. This site has helped me keep my chin up. But like I've been told this is an emotional rollercoaster with the "good" comes the bad. <p>Brief history on me. Last year my W got a new job. She started hanging out with with her new co-workers more and more. That's how she met OM. By the end of last year our M wasn't too good. I didn't like her spending all her time with OM. (at the time she told me she was going out with the gang. she wasn't just with OM) <p>Well W told me I should go out on my own. That made things worse because I ended up starting my own EA. (God do I ever regret that) At the time I didn't think I was really doing anything wrong. (I'd never heard of an EA. I know ignorance is no excuse) Anyway I decided to stop seeing my OW. The sh** hit the fan after that.<p>I moved out of our house. I found MB the day I moved out. A week later I moved back into house (into a guest room)and started Plan A. Two weeks and two days ago my wife moved out into her own apartment.
(ok so It wasn't so brief sorry)<p>Last week she called me at night. She was upset OM man was LB'ing big time. (out on the town with the guys. why should she care ect, ect) We talked for hours. She called me again that same night and asked to meet me. So I met her we hugged. We talked alot. She told me she was sorry. She didn't want to hurt me. She didn't think she could forgive me (for my EA) Life wasn't going the way she thought it would. (all the time I was going YEAH!. I kept it inside of course) She told me that OM doesn't want her to have anything to do with me. That hurt her alot because she still considers me her best friend. I started to feel like I was sneaking around, with my own W. <p>Anyway, after I dropped her off. I was still hopeful. I thought maybe she would call again. She hasn't yet.<p>To make things worse yesterday was her birthday. I sent her a nice e-card, and she sent me a Thank you card. she said "Thank you for all the love and support you have been willing to offer during this difficult time in your life and mine. " Again I took this as a good omen. <p>Besides the e-card I had a nice arrangement of roses and a "real" card for her. I was going to have a co-worker I trust drop them off at her work for me except he didn't come in to work.(moneys real tight now) I ended up chatting with my WW and wished her a Happy B-day. She said thanks. I told her about the flowers and card. I asked her if I could drop them off myself. I promised to just walk in and out. She didn't respond for a long time. Just when I gave up she answered. She wanted me to drop them off at one of her friends house. Which I did. <p>Now I'm really down. I never let on to her how depressed I am. I know I shouldn't do that. I just hate feeling like I'm the OM. <p>I'm probably not thinking straight. Sorry. I just needed to post. Maybe someone can post something to help "cheer" me up.<p>Feeling Lost

As tough as it may seem, maybee you will be able to save your marriage if both of you had an affair within a short tiem on the other one. One key thing you both must have been missing something in your relationship that allowed you both to make the choices you did. I would have to say honour of your marriage vows is somehting you both missed the boat on. That may be a good place for you to start is to understand what committment to a spouse means, and some counselling if she is willing. In my case my wife had a affair, and I have been able to stay away from any affairs. This hurts because now she has done something that I cannot understand, and may never be able to forgive. I would not condone anyone to have a affair, after their spouse as "two wrongs don't make a right".

I do believe that almost all A's will die a natural death. It sounds like you are doing a great job at trying to get your M to work. She is being very responsive. It has been a while since you have seen progress from her, but I am have a good idea she will try contacting you again. Let Plan B work and do not get discourage. Try reading SAA again for encouragement (if you have not read it, you must. It is a fast read.) Try keeping preocupied with work and hobbies so that you do not think about all of this. <p>I am still in Plan A. Been here for 3 months and see only a tiny bit of progress with WW. She will not chose OM or Me, which is terribly frustrating because I am in limbo. I wish she would just make up her mind. She is seeing and talking with him. I do not think the PA is still going on, but the EA is strong. <p>I am sick today because I can't stop thinking about my wife seeing him last night and lying about it. I have not eaten yet today and it is already 2:30.<p>Good luck and PLEASE keep posting.

Things will get better one day at a time. Maybe you should back off from her for a week and see what happens. Don't call or go by. Let her do all the initiating. I'm gonna tell you like I tell everyone, IT IS TIME TO FOCUS ON YOU NOW. <p>You are important here and you have to know that regardless of what she is doing that you are worth it. Don't let this mess control the rest of your life. It is time to live for you. Figure out your payoff for clinging onto her so much and why you can't or won't let go. Get real with yourself and with her. Make a plan and go for it. <p>You will do great all the while watching her efforts grow. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Everything will be fine in the end. You will see. Just be patient and !!LIVE!!, okay. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ((hugs))
INTHECLOUDS320

If she is having the affair to pay you back for your affair, then I don't believe you want to back away, she maybee really looking for you to show her how much you love her, and to give her a reason to work on things. It is not a competition as she is not a prize yet a human being. I write this because it is very easy to get caught up in trying to win your wifes affection from the other man if you do not back away. The reason you work on it is because you love her and you want to make things work, if she responds or not. If she was in the affair before you, then you may want to back away for a while as she will be feeling pressured by you, which will drive her away further. She must decide for herself what she want in this case, and as long as you clearly identify your feelings, your mistakes, what you would like to see for the future, and how you believe you and her can get to that point. I believe you have done all that you can until she makes a decision. If not the pain and suffering will continue to cause you endless grief that she will not feel or see.

Thanks everyone for the quick responses.<p>Lost in space: I do have an idea of what got my W and I into this mess. And I am working of fixing those things. I'm doing my best to make myslef a better person. I really wish I could have been stronger, but I wasn't. Now all I hope for is the chance to try and make our marriage better than it was before.<p>
dreamland: I consider myself to still be in Plan A. Mode. I'm working on myself. I work in the computer industry. I'm taking my (unwanted) extra time and getting some certifications that I've been meaning to get (for 4 years [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ) I have read SAA. I actually sleep with the book. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] (I fall asleep while re-reading it) While she was moving out. I asked God to help me through this. The very next day I was put in charge of a big project at work. It's helped keep my mind off of things. <p>
INTHECLOUDS320: I do hope that in the end things will get better. Today happens to be one of those days that I don't believe it will. I will take your advise and back off for now. (it's really hard to keep myself from calling her at times though.) <p>Thanks again everyone. I wish you all the best.<p>Feeling Lost

Take each positive signal you get from her in stride. Don't read so much into them that you feel deflated when things don't suddenly go perfect for you. The fact that the OM is LBing is wonderful. And as long as he thinks she is doing as he suggested about not contacting you, he's going to keep going out with the guys, etc. He sounds like someone who only wants what he can't have. Now that he's "got" her, he may move on. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Of course that doesn't mean that your marriage is on track to rebuild. That's where plan A comes in. Work on you. Work on being what SHE needs you to be. There's nothing a woman (or man for that matter) likes better than having someone on this planet that cares more for them than they do for themselves. Our nature is to be selfish, but good marriages are about selflessness. Same as plan A - Someone has to take the first step to selflessness. In the long run and the end run, this will reap beautiful rewards.<p>Good Luck to you. The first and most important way to show her you think the world of her is to NOT get involved with anyone else, emotionally or physically, while you wait on her to come around. (out of the fog)

Thanks for your reply jamup. You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Take each positive signal you get from her in stride. <hr></blockquote> I guess this is the hardest thing for me. I want so bad for this to be all over. I know that my M won't miraculously fix itself, but sometime I just wish that it would. <p>I'm not worried about having an A again. I know what I did was wrong, and I'm glad that it didn't go farther that it did. I know now that if I hadn't done that things might be "easier" for my W and me. Live and learn I guess. <p>For now I will focus on making myself a better person. I'm spending what ever free time I have with my parents. They've been great so far. I know I would have gone crazy with out thier support, and the strength I've found lurking here in MB. <p>Feeling Lost

Hi FeelingLost, while I was reading your first post, I was thinking "wow" how luck are you!!<p>I wish I had this from my H. He dosen't give me much to think there is hope, then again maybe he does and because I'm sooooooo desperate, I don't see it. <p>I think you've had good indications that the A may end, just keep doing what you have been, don't go overboard and keep working on you. <p>I wish this forum wasn't necessary. I feel so sad that we're all in this situation.

Seahorse thank you for your reply. I'm sorry you are experincing this pain. I too wish this board didn't have to exist, but I am so very glad that it does.<p>You mentioned that I'm having signs that the A might end. I hadn't really seen it that way. I guess I was too down to see the positive. <p>I hadn't logged into MB over the weekend. I kept myself as busy as possible. (I don't know about you, but when I stop and start thinking about my W and her A I get really depressed and I turn to mush) Anyhow I was planning to login tonight and catch up, but just a little while ago my W IM'd me. We chatted briefly.
She told me "Just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking about us alot lately. In my heart I now feel I want to work things out." I almost jumped for joy. Then she said "I have many things to take care of but just wanted you to know" <p>What do you think? Is the fog lifting? I'm so confused.
I need to get back to work. I'm going to re-read SAA tonight.<p>Feeling Lost

Now I'm more confused and hurt than ever. Not long after my last post I received a phone call from my WW. She wanted to see if I needed a haircut because she was at the salon we both go to. Well I didn't, but I agreed to meet her there. I was hoping we would have some time to talk to eachother, and maybe go out when she was done and get something to eat. <p>Well I got there, and we talked for a while. I didn't talk about us. I told her what I did for Mother's Day. About the work I've done around the yard, stuff like that. She told me about work. <p>Then she gets a phone call on her cell. She got up and walked to the other side of the room. I couldn't make out the conversation, but I know that it was OM. I did make out that she was going to see him as soon as she was done with the haircut. <p>When she sat down next to me she told me that she hated having to report her every action to OM. (At least I know that the A isn't going very well) We didn't get to talk anymore because she was next to get her hair done.<p>I know that my WW didn't tell OM that she was with me. Should I be happy that she is sneaking around behind his back with me? I'm confused. The last thing she told me was that she was sorry, that she didn't want to put me in a bad situation. ( I know that OM has told her that she is not allowed to see me.) <p>Any thoughts?<p>Feeling Lost

It is impossible for you to be sneaking around with your wife. Do not worry about her not telling the OM that she is seeing you. She is not married to the OM, right!<p>This event sounds very positive. Do not get too excited here. Be cautiously optimistic. Guard your feelings here or you can get hurt. Like everyone else here, I know I have been down that path before when my WW said she was going to stop all contact with OM just after D-day. Boy was I wrong. Here I am a few months later and I just got off the phone with WW and she is still refusing to give up all contact with OM.<p>I am happy for you. Keep up your efforts and look for any positives to keep you motivated.

Thanks for your reply Dreamland. I'm sorry your W won't give up the OM. My W IM'd me a little while ago. She told me that she does want to try and work things out between us. She told me she needs to tell OM that it's over. I recommended the Leter of no contact. She said she wold think about it. <p>I agree I can't look to deeply into this. She did say that she wants to move back home. I can only hope. <p>Thanks again for your support. I hope things get better for you and your W.<p>Feeling Lost