I have been in an affair now over the last year. Both of us are married and dealing with difficult marriages. Both of us went looking for those EN that were not being met. Now she is going thru a separation and has moved out of her house. During that time the affair has broken off. She says she doesn't want anything serious and needs time to get her head straight. I have come to need her desparately and I am currently in that withdrawel stage of separation from my lover. I have told her that I also need time to get myself together and suggested that we stop all communication. She agreed. Several weeks have gone by and now I am hearing from her more. email's and phone calls. I am trying to understand her point of view but if she is not interested then why the communication again. I am going crazy and when I talk to her all the emotions come back with a vengence. Please help me to clear the fog so I can see what is really going on.

First let me welcome you MB. I will start off by speaking for alot of people here by telling you that this is a website for repairing your marriage not to help wayward spouses determine if the OW/OM is sincere or not.<p>Here at marriage builders (if you take the time to read basic concepts)
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
will show you probably cause for what let you into the affair and how to overcome these feeling for the OW. and get these feelings back with you wife. keep in mind that most people here are going to tell you you must stop all contact with your mistress if you want to fix your marriage... which is true... you will have withdrawals and nights you cannot sleep but (if you want your marriage) in the long run you will be most gratified by a compelling and loving marriage.<p>good luck
roxy

Since you have posted on MarriageBuilders I'm assuming that are wishing to rebuild your own marriage. That being said - then communication with this OW must stop completely. It will not help your withdrawal (which is a normal occurance) to have her in the picture.
Be clear with her that contact must end. If not,
change your email address or block her from it, and change your phone number.
Does your W know about the affair?
You need to read - After the Affair by Janis Spring is excellent and the final chapter is directed at people not sure if they are going to reveal the affair to their spouse. Learn about the principles taught on this site and get the Harley's books.
You will not clear the fog or really know what is going on until you cut off all contact with this woman, begin to focus on yourself and your Wife and your marriage.
Good luck

Waywardheart:<p>It's great that you're here trying to find out how to fix your marriage.<p>First of all, Waywardheart, you need to tell your wife about your affair. You absolutely owe it to her, so be a man and do it. I'm sure she knows something's going on, and it's been making her crazy and confused.<p>Second of all, get the OW out of your life. In my opinion, you and your wife need to compose a "letter of no contact" to the OW. It should be directly to the point, saying that you are now focusing on rebuilding your marriage, and there is to be no further contact of any kind between
you. Send it - better yet, let your wife mail it.<p>Also, read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving and Affair. They're good books and will help you immensely. <p>You may have "withdrawal" pains for a while, but absolutely nothing compared to the pain further destroying your family would cause. You can't heal your marriage/family if the OW is in the picture -- period. <p>Your marriage can heal, and you can be deliriously happy with your wife, but only if you focus on what's right. I thought I couldn't live without the OM in my life (I even called him my "soulmate" - blech!), but now the thought of him leaves me feeling sick and ashamed. <p>Please do the right thing. I wish you - and especially your wife - peace.<p>at peace<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: at peace ]</p>

^Bumping up for WaywardHeart

Thanks Alberta. I am trying, I do want my marriage to work. The withdrawel is the hard part.

The first step is admitting you want your M to work and never ever seeing OW again you need to stop all contact NOW -Change your phone number and email address if you have to and once you do it will be hard at first (so I've been told) but it gets better as you realize your M is worth it.<p>I would love for my FWH to admit he actually wants it to work - you are already 1 step ahead of alot of us... Good luck

Wayward,<p>I have been out of A for 2 1/2 months and the withdrawal gets easier with time. I have had some contact but it has been very limited and over past month, nearly none existent. I will attest to what everyone here says, I feel much better and my head is clearer having let him go. Some days are a breeze and others are very emotional when I think of him and remember. If so many have gone before us and come out of these emotional messes better off, then we can too.
I'm no expert at this, I just lurk and read and post to people who have alot in common with me. It helps to unload some of the feelings and to ask questions.
Take it slow and take what you can and leave the rest. Best of luck to you.<p>To Thine own self be true.