My husband, who I dated for twelve years and have been married to for almost three years, has had an on again off again EA/PA with a woman for over four years, I just found out recently that he has been in contact with her again. I talked with him calmly and I am proceeding directly with Plan B. Does anyone think I should try Plan A. I did that the last time I caught him cheating and he didn't talk to her I believe for about 6 months, but now that she is back in town the conversations have started up again. I am just tired of it all. He is a wonderful father and friend, but I can't take the cheating anymore. I told him he needs to move in with his mother until we figure out what to do. I told him, yes I agree there are problems in the marriage, but until he figures out what is wrong on the inside he can't even start to work on the marriage, which he claims he wants so desperately to do.<p>Help!

MBB,<p>My take on it is this... Plan A is great to help create a "safe environment" for the WS and to help show them that you ARE capable of meeting all their EN (or at very least are willing). So if you honestly feel in your heart that you've done this enough already and are willing to accept the possible consequences of Plan B (i.e. end of M), and you're starting to feel like your love is almost gone... then hey, it is probably Plan B time.<p>Only you can make the ultimate judgement on that.<p>It sounds like in your case that WH has been carrying on this A due to the addiction of it all... if he felt that you were NOT meeting his EN (or were unable to do so), it might be realistic to expect him to NOT want to work on the M - but he claims he does. That combined with your length of time trying to essentially "Plan A" him seems to be a checkmark on the Plan B side of things.<p>On the other hand... just something to think about... how "good" of a Plan A have you REALLY done? I mean... this is your only chance to do it... it's laying a foundation... and that foundation work ENDS when Plan B starts. (Words from SH to me once.)<p>So mull it over... there are other elements to the overall demeanor you could / should have, too. Read stuff from Weiner-Davis and James Dobson for example... Harley is complimented by others - no-one has a magic bullet.

Yes, I do think a person can change BUT your right: not until he figures out what is wrong on the inside.<p>Try marriage counseling with someone who does Imago Therapy. You can help him overcome his lying. There are reasons he does it.<p>See my signature line. We are in TRUE recovery! In March, I caught my H in an insignificant lie (if there is such a thing!). We got to the bottom of why he lied. Things are so different now. Radical Honesty - read about it on this site! We have been going to weekly counseling sense September so it is not a quick fix. But we have JUST graduated to counseling every other week and after 6 weeks we are planning to go monthly probably until the end of the year. In other words it will take work on both your parts.