admitted some like... so what if she gave me a b+ow, and also... so she loves me... I told her I don't love her.. in earlier phone call... called later to say.. he did not say a thing... and will not admit to a thing... lies lies lies..alcoholic lies...<p>h

Awww Honey -- I know you're hurting.<p>So Sorry.

I'm so sorry Honey, I know it hurts. <p>Sometimes we ask for the truth and then when we get it we freak out which causes them to lie more.<p>Maybe you could tell him you appreciate him being honest and you realize because of your pain he may want to go back to lying but that you are strong enough to handle the truth and ask him if he would be willing to have "no contact" with her so you can base your recovery on honesty and truthfulness. <p>The point is you set a boundary: tell the truth and no contact and we can have dinner on Mother's day. The fact is he told the truth which is extremely hard to do when you are TOTALLY wrong. I really did not expect the truth from him. The thing is they (WS) share a little of the truth and see how we handle it. Then they share a little more depending on how we handle it. It is actually good news that he was honest. He has NOTHING to gain by being honest except dinner with you or a risk of loosing you which he was doing anyway based on your boundary. That was a pretty big risk he took, encourage the honesty. <p>There are a LOT of cases where people are in recovery then find out 4 months later of more A's because the WS need to learn to trust the BS with the truth and its scary because everything logical tells them if they tell the truth they will loose you...so we, in fact encourage the lying!<p>Girl hang in there, I know it hurts, grieve and cry and post here. But show H the strong person I saw today at lunch who knows IF there is honesty and trust in your relationship it can work!

Remember I told you at lunch my H admitted to inappropriate relationship when we remarried but it took longer to admit an actual PA! He had to see I will not explode with his ugly info. Cause we already know it is there! the first step is admitting you have a problem - he is doing that!<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</p>

Honey,<p>I know the feeling. Try not to put any expectation about H ... and also start w/ lower expectation, the lowest you think H could be.<p>Please have a journal for this ... a calendar book that you could read later down the road. Somekind of diary, the facts plus your feeling. Write it every day ... it works two ways. One is to help you out to vent ... second is to look back later down the road and see if you still want to be M to this person ... if H doesn't want to change. If H want to change, gave the book to H to burn it or read it or do anything with it, it is your deepest feeling during his A.<p>-RH-

Honey,
He may need to be honest with you, but what a Mother's Day present. Even if things were going on, if the dinner was important to him couldn't he have approached it differently? Something like, we have many issues to discuss, but I would like to have one nice dinner with you to celebrate mother's day, could we plan to talk about _____, on another day this week, and keep this day free of conflict?<p>Even if you did want him to be completely honest with you it sounds like a set up to me. He knew what your expectations of him are now, and so he baited the trap. Get your hopes up about a meaningful dinner, and then cut the line to let you sink.<p>Mother's day is special, no matter what type of wife he thinks you are, he must recognize that you are a great mother? <p>Be careful, this really feels like button pushing to me. A special holiday for YOU, and he conrols the emotions of it.<p>You have made such progress in striving to be the best you, keep that up. Has he played mind games during your whole marriage?<p>Please don't backslide on your boundaries. You can do it and you are strong and capable.

Hi and thanks for the encouragement... he actually kind of slipped this info out.... after I gave him more evidence that I knew.... I admitted I heard his vm... well then I guess he thought he was just caught.... I dont remember if I totally blew it or what... well I did hang up on him... .so then next conversation he tried to back out of admission... his admissions are couched with the possiblites that they are lies...<p>I think you are so right luvnprotect, that hs is just afraid the truth means he has lost me... I need the truth.... I am so sick of the lies.<p>I asked him for this info contingent on mothers day... becaUSE i DID NOT want to see him knowing he was up to lying again... for me the lies are worse than the A's.<p>I went out with older son to see SPIDERMAN last night and it was great... my parents kept mty little... one... actually the info made me sad at first but now I feel better knwoing... it helps me step back... not what he wants... but makes me less crazy... the lies drive me crazy..<p>He did not want to talk about this... as my h's motto is not to talk about anything upsetting or possibly upsetting...he wants constant good times and sweeeping of all troubles under the rug... especially if he is guilty of anything.... <p>He is an alcoholic.... I am afraid he is a sx addict possibly... but I know all these kind of slips go with being drunk.... I have suspected for yrs... that these types of things happened with his drinking episodes... but he denied and denied and promised his faithfulness.... , and I believed him...<p>I am now to the point of considering a divorce...<p>H is very very upset that I do not want him to take me to lunch... on mothers day.... I just do not think it is appropritate... iwth all the disrespect he gives me.... no money for over a month for the kids... what a present.... I work so hard... at work and home... ! <p>He is out fishing again this morning with his new drinking budyy next door neighbor... <p>and he is filing a lawsuit for an injury, neck injury he got almost a yr... ago.. mind you it was not that bad.. but he says he still hurts.... with another drinking buddy fishing guy... friend of the neighbor is his lawyer... who is also taking guitar lessons from my H.... what a picture? this gets way too seedy... I guess my h will stay unemployed and live of f the next lawsuite.... settlement... for another 6 months until he hits another bottom....by then we will pss. be divorced. I can't wait forever... it does get worse the longer it goes on.... and I am sick of it!<p>thanks for the support... I am going to watch a little morning lifetime movie and then get up to clean my house... and paint my bathroom... taking care of me today again!<p>Honey

redhat... thanks I do need a record... I forget all this awful stuff... I have some journals form yrs... back... actually one day i threw one away with all the awful stuff he had done to me in it... because things were going better.. and I did not wnt to focus on it! but I do need one for me to vent and think and feel and to look back on and see..<p>sfmc, I answered you earlier... I am not sure if mind games... just trying to get me to love him and not admit his faults... he did not want this conversationm , I did.... I told him unless I had the truth did not want to see him on mothers day...he wanted to take me to lunch... but the maid issue was haunting me.... <p>lexxy, thanks for your concern and care.... it is a real bummer... but I already knew something was going on the question is what...?<p>luvnprotect... boy does he sound like clinton? who knows if I have the full story?<p>Honey

Honey,
Good morning. Redhat's suggestion is really good about journaling. I also did that, and it is amazing the real perspective it gives after only a few weeks. Also helps put all of your negative emotions a place to live other than within you, that sounds funny though, But for me, when the poped up or I began obsessing I could stop and say" No I've written you down, have other things to do than feel bad about you right now". Sounds crazy but it worked.<p>As far as the mind games, if he has done things spaced out enough between the good times so they don't seem so bad after a while, or pushes your buttons when you are otherwise happy, be careful. If it is a consistant pattern it is murder on your emmotional health. I went through that and didn't realize the pattern of behavior until started journaling. Then it was evident. I wrote facts first, using bullet points, how it i felt next, and then my thoughts about the causes, results, etc. It was a treasure to have, really helped me see that it was not all me.<p>Your need for honesty is right. Why have a nice time and build your hope up just to find out this info later and shatter them. Not trying to contradict myself here, have a better understanding since your last post.<p>Please be careful. Spend the day with your MOm and make it special for you. Be thankful for the little things, and what color are you painting your bathroom?

Honey ~ it doesn't matter if you have the full story.<p>Take the focus off of him and what he is doing. You aren't in recovery, just simply assume the worst, and then get on with fixing yourself.<p>How about if you start posting about YOU without mentioning your H?

Dear Honey ... this is my first post to you ... but, I have been reading your posts for quite some time.<p>This is what I see.<p>You have been REACTIVE within your marriage for a long, long time. It is as if you do not make a move until "HE" does something ... then you react to what "HE" does. Then you watch and wait for his next move so you can "react" again. <p>This is very typically a spouses way of surviving within an alcoholic marriage. The alcoholic steers the family's boat ... and the rest of the family reacts to the alcoholic's choices. You don't like where the alcoholic is steering your boat .... but you aren't sure how to steer your own direction. You only react.<p>Do you think you could learn to be PROACTIVE? Instead of watching what "He" does .... you look forward and make your own healthy choices independent of his poor choices. THIS is what BR is alluding to when she asks that you be self-focused in your posting.<p>Honey ... you are avoiding the responsibility of steering your own boat. Steer your boat Honey .... quit watching your WH crash his boat ... we KNOW he is crashing ... we know he is lost without a compass ... but YOU are capable of getting out of his boat and focusing on YOUR direction.<p>It's time Honey. Be proactive not reactive.<p>Decide what type of life you want, the quality of life you want ... and then DO SOMETHING toward that direction. Set your goal, and do actions that bring YOU closer to your goal. (Not what you think will bring WH closer to your goal) <p>You can get out of your WHs boat whenever you choose .... why are you still in his boat?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

Honey,<p>the journaling would be so good for you. Go back & read all your post & see where you were when you came here & see where you are today.<p>i like BR's post to you. If you are not in recovery ALWAYS assume that your WS is not telling the truth but does it matter.

Hi and thanks again... house looking a little better now... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] but still going slow on this saturday... <p>My boat, pepper? I have read a lot of your posts to terrified and others too I guess.. .I see what you mean about my reactivity... good thought... <p>I am tired of reacting... I am going to let him be... I am really working on leeting go and letting God. <p>BR, thanks for the good advise... i am trying to work ON ME>>>. It is a good idea at this point... nothing I can do to save him... even thinking of the big D.... as they call it in texas... I know I do not want my life to be like this, and I am tired of it...<p>sfmc, thanks for the continued post... I appreciate it....I do need to pull out my journals... <p>and get back into journaling... thanks again sing... I really appreciate it....<p>OH, bathroom is green for the third coat... first two coats were watered down as I read somewhere to try mixing paint with water for nice effect.. it dripped! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My apologies for being so consumed with what my H does... and doesnt do... I am doing way better... I know I react way too much... and I know he is sinking.... <p>I choose to save me and my boys... we will not live like this! even if it means losing our family... truthfully, our home is more pleasant and predictable without him.... before I was jut willing to DO anything to save the marriage... but it is not any kind of way to live..it was destroying me... ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: Honey ]</p>