Hey Gang,<p>It's been awhile since I took a poll, or for that matter a rather large stick or tree trunk that resembles a pole. I'm an old timer or also known as an "old fart" in the MB community. Many of you probably have not heard of me or my story and that's disturbing. So many new folks around here anymore. Wish it didn't happen to any one. I was around when they invented dirt. I wanted to call it "Brian" [OM] cause I had a disturbance in the force even back then. I was out voted and it did become know as dirt.<p>OK, anyway back to the poll. What have you leaned from this site? Did it help you and how?<p>What? WHAT? Alright, I'll start. I learned it really wasn't me or the M that made Val look for someone else in her life. It was that she was looking for something missing in her life that I couldn't give her. Yep, self esteem. She needed that extra VALidation. It wasn't that I didn't compliment her enough or tell her she was my Bunches. Everyone has issues, it's just that we don't all react on them. It seems that she just needed another man interested in her and no, I was not the perfect H that I could have been. I learned that the work involved in a M does not stop when when you say the "I Do's" We all grow in different ways and it's your responsibily to let your partner know what's going on in the small space between your ears. Bottom line...Communication.<p>Finding out she [Val] was cheating on me was like a tennis ball hit directly in the um... well you know where. I tried Plan A, then Plan B then Plan A. I did a really bad job at B. I melted when she would call.<p>I met many friends here on the boards. In person on the phone, ICQ, E, you get it. <p>They say love finds you. Man, I HATE IT when they are right. Sure enough, I found my perfect mate right here, I wasn't even looking. I think "they" say that too. For those that don't know it I am M a fellow MB member [Gina] next year and life couldn't be better for us. Just another benefit of reading and learning here. POJA, the works, Harley really has this stuff down pat. <p>So, here it goes. What did you learn from this site? Would you tell your friends? And no, I'm not getting a kick back from Steve.<p>I was feeling nostalgic and was reading my prior posts and can't believe how much I have changed from D day, March 13, 1999. I was pathetic chasing Val hoping and wishing to get back together.<p>The difference a few years and clear thinking makes. I am out of the fog as well.<p>So, what have you learned from this site?

Here's what I've learned, and I'm gonna keep it short and to the point:

• It is normal to feel like you've been kicked in the gut, slapped in the face, ripped in a million pieces, put out like the garbage-- when your spouse cheats on you.
• It is normal to feel like the lowest lifeform on earth, a whore, a terrible person, a low-life, a scum-- when you cheat on your spouse.
• Marriage can be saved after infidelity. But not all of them are.
• The worth of a person isn't determined by the mistakes they have made. It is what they do once they realize their mistakes.
• It is possible to find the best and most loving support through a phone line, a computer line, and/or cards and letters.
• It is possible to save the most damaged, torn apart, broken marriages using these principles.
• It is possible to save the most damaged, torn apart, broken SOULS, even if you get a divorce, by using these principles.
• You can use these principles with great success in second marriages, in your parent/child elationships, at work, and with the world as a whole, as well.
• Sometimes you will be hurt by people you've never met. Like in real life, you must pick and chose who you will trust with your heart and soul. Some people are safe, whether real or cyber, and some people are not.
• You can be a success, even if your marriage isn't.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I've only been here a short time, but the few things I have learned so far and continue to learn are.<p>1. The best support comes from those that have been there.
2. As MEDIC328 said it most of the reasons your spouse left are their own issues that they cannot address, and you can't guide them through it.
3. You only live once, and the choices you or anyone else make can really mess up your life and alot of other peoples.
4. Make the most of your life, stick by your decisions, and remember as long as both keep open communication and are committed to the relationship it can last till the end of time.

I've learned:<p>- I am not willing to accept half a wife - it will be all or none, thanks!<p>- I have failed in many, many ways; but I didn't have an affair - she did, and so she has the burden of proof in making me want this M. "Why should I stay?" is a fair question.<p>- MB concepts are the most fair and balanced approach to this situation. It incorporates most of the (successful) mainstream concepts available today to deal with infidelity.<p>- I am a lot stronger than I could have ever realized before this experience!<p>- There's a lot of good people out there to help me through this!

I have learned that A's happen to everyone.<p>I have learned that people should earn trust. Do not give it blindly.<p>I have learned I am not crazy for feeling hurt by WS.<p>That people you have never met face to face can be more helpful then people you see everyday.<p>That you can love someone with all your heart and be good to them and treat them with respect and they will still be unkind to you.<p>But most important I have learned to stand up for myself and that there are better days ahead, with or without my WS

Hi Medic,<p>I learned that if my marriage isn't to my liking, that I can't expect or demand my spouse to change. In fact, the quickest way to serenity and happiness is to keep the focus on me, and to change myself.<p>I also learned that I did deserve to get my needs filled, and that I am as valuable and as deserving of respect as my spouse. <p>I learned that being happy is far more important than being right.