My wife called me to tell me about the call she got from OM. His Dad is very sick and OM is coming back to our state to visit his dad and wants to see W. She started by saying I will probibly be upset with her for what she has to say, then told me about OM's call. First thing out of my mouth was "If you do that we're right back to zero." She said what do you mean. I told her that I have been very happy with the way things have been going and the closeness we have now. If you see him we both go backwards. She said I'm sorry for upsetting you. Told her "I am the one that asked you to let me know if he calls I'm not upset when you follow through. I told her that what has happened in the past I can deal with, and we can still work through, but her actions now are what will tell me her feelings. She asked me what that meant,and I told her for starts I would not talk to her or contact her for quite awhile. If she sees him I think I'll give up, I want to stay married but,Three people doesn't work for me, and I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you how I will respond. I want her to be honest with me and I will do the same. I thanked her for telling me and said I wanted to know if she sees him, better from her than find out some other way. Be honest with me so I know where I stand. She said she has alot to think about.....<p>If you haven't or can't follow my strange story I pasted this from earlier post.<p>My W told me the H of another couple we knew and used to live next doors to, told her He loves her, and she decided she had feelngs for him too. She wanted to separate and move in with him. This was 7/2000. skip over all the rest of "normal" stuff. We were getting closer when talking in person and on phone. I could see the building materials for fixing up HIS house setting in the garage when I picked up the kids, looked like they were staying there for good. Then in Nov. she asked if I thought we could make it work with us, I told her if we both tried it would work. She told me to step back and let her take care of dealing with OM. Then week later she called franticly for me to pick up kids at school, not let them go to OM house, He called her at work to tell her he was in garage with motor running, just wanted to die. She stayed here off and on and I told her she should step back and let his family and friends help him. She felt she owed HIM this to help him through this. Overnight because Dr."said he shouldn'd be left alone". Finally OM decided to sell his house and move over 1,300 miles away. My W and OM still talked several times a day, almost daily, but number was decreasing. We were getting along better than in a long time,and doing family things, till mid Sept. he told her he was let go at his job and he didn't want to stay there, was moving to his sister's in the northwest. No more calls from him till he called W to tell her he went into 12 step treatment plan. His sister called and talked to my W for over and hour. She said he was seeing a different woman, and was talking about marrying her, and his family thought it was too soon for him. (Where were they when his wife of 13+years moved out and My wife moved in 3 days later?) My wife told me this woman was an old friend of his and called him when she was with him, and after his first move. He moved to her area instead of to his sister's like he told my W.
Since all this my wife is suspicious of anyone loving her and questions why I stay around. wonders if I'm just going to dump her like everyone else. She told me "everyone would just be better off if I were dead.",and " even God doesn't hear my prayers". I finally convinced her she has alot to live for and can't help anyone by being dead. She then said that maybe she needs to live on her own for awhile to get herself back, and I should find myself again too. Maybe we can find the people we were when we fell in Love. Maybe we can start over. I told her it was OK with me as long as it was each of us living by ourselves with the kids spending equal time at each house. Seems to me to be a roundabout way to recommit. This is happening sooner than either one of us thought it would, the house sold in 3 days, we close end of March. She always thought the house we built was what I fell in love with, and cared about. I have to risk losing her if that's what it takes. We will share custody of the kids and are doing great at splitting up house stuff. The plan Aing is harder that ever right now. I let her pick a place to live first so she had best picks in area. She ended up taking one I really liked. towards last we were looking at place together to save time. She told last landlord that we needed time apart and she thought down the road we might be back together. I don't know what's ahead, but I know it won't be dull. <p>Now we have been living apart and she has warmed up to me and we talk just about every day. The past couple weeks she has complained about OM and how much money he owes her. I want her to send him a No Contact letter, was too on the fence earlier. Any experience/advice out there?
thanks D<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: Daniel ]</p>

Tough one to call, it sounds good but as long as she continues to talk to him off and on, you cannot know if she is committed to you. I honestly believe that you need to set a time frame for yourself, and if she has not committed to you and completely dropped him with all communication you will need to take the next step. I hope she will continue to find problems with him, but until she starts talking to you and committing you are in limbo, and you must decide how long limbo is acceptable.

Thanks,Lost in Space. The thing I'm having trouble with is we are getting closer than we have been in months. HE seaned to be out of the picture, except for every so often, and she would talk to me about how she felt and how he hurt her and played her for a fool.
The kids get dropped off at my house on her days after school and she picks them up here. We have been going to kids' stuff together, She asked me along to help pick out things for her house. she asked me for help with her things for her house, putting up shelves, dryer vent, traverce rod. She makes me meals for while I'm there, we all set down to eat together. She cuts my hair like she always did. I've sat and talked wiht her till 11:30 pm, and 2 glasses of wine. She hugs me, gives me little kisses, even told me that she was thinking of a sleep over. Told her she could come over,and she told me what she wants for breakfast.
I don't understand why there is such a hold on OM that at this point she would need to see him.
She is making her own choices, and feeling better about herself, lost 35 lbs, and still going for more. I just don't get it.

I can't help you with the one question you asked, why she can't cut the other man out of the equation completely. But this is the component that will continue to keep space between the two of you. It is not fair to you or the kids for her to continue to have any communication. You read here on this site how so many couples seem to balance this fine thread for years and years. I just ask you to take a look at how long it is reasonable for you to continue to committ 100% of yourself to the relationship when you do not know how much of herself she is committing. This is negative, but time and experiences are what your life is made up of. The quality time you have for your kids, yourself, your friends, and other family are all put on hold to a certain degree depending on how much time you spend thinking, and working on your relationship with your wife. Every relationship requires a large amount of effort to make it work, but I know since I have been going through this how much less quality time I have for my kids and others because of my mental state with what has happened. I am committed to allow this for a certain amount of time, but if my wife does not show the same type of committment to the relationship that I do then I will be forced to cut the realtionship free. Which is where my wife seems to want to go at present.

Lost in Space, You are absolutely right about time and effort focused on marriage. Thank God for the kids, they force me to look past marriage problems/stress.
After thinking about this some more I think she either want to yell at him for "doing this" to her, or see if there's anything there, or some of both. I told her that seeing him will cause problems all around. If she's done seeing him, don't see him now or ever. If she wants to see him to see how she feels, why is she leading me on-I'll step out of her life completely.
The timeframe is pretty much set....January 29th we filed for divorce,mostly to protect each of our finances, and it can be postponed several times if needed. The only thing is to be postponed BOTH of us have to sign the papers. It is fully stipulated, Kids 50-50, leave each others retirement $ alone, no child support or alimony. Since then I joked one time I needed $1 a month to be able to make it financially. The hearing is June 10th, takes 20 minutes and you walk out divorced. I think she IS thinking now.
I am getting tired at times myself, feel like I need to see some more effort from her now.
(not being mean)<p>.D.