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I am, as my name says "going crazy". I have left a couple of topics on here. I am going to give a brief view of my situation.<p>2/01 H moved out and said he wanted divorce and moved out, would not tell me where he went.
3/01 Found out he had moved in with OW he worked with.
3/01 Later that month he filed for divorce, but I never rec'd papers (but it was listed in the court records of the newspaper).
6/01 to present: H says he doesn't know what to do.
8/01: H started to move some of his things back, but was too upset to leave OW and could not go through it.
Still says he doesn't know what to do.
Advice from his mom, "Do whatever makes you happy". He takes 3 steps back after he gets "advice" from her. (His parents divorced after a 25year message due to a divorce, so she says it will never work after an affair)
Like I said, he still says "he doesn't know".
Since then, OW got a different job so they do not work together anymore. H also does not work for that company. Ran into an ex-coworker who said that everyone thought he was divorced. (he said he always had court appts, and was blaming why it was taking so long on me, saying I was dragging my feet). Since they all think he was divorced, it could very well be possible that OW thinks we are divorced as well. I am sure that was a major issue in their "arrangement", so he probably just told her we were divorced (even though he is still paying half of the mortgage here and alot of his stuff is here, he never moved any furniture or anything).
Had been plan A'ing it for most of time until a month ago. I am now trying my best at Plan B!! But if OW thinks we are divorced, she won't have anything to fight about and hopefully "show her true colors". He says he can think clearly there and can make a decision. He did tell me that he misses me, but gets angry if I want to pursue any type of conversation about "us". Is it possible for affairs to end when he has been living with OW for 15 months? I am in desperate need for advice from all, including affair survivors, please!!

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Yes and here is why:<p>1. Your H moved out without an explanation to you. Could be a major conflict avoider. <p>2. Paints a 'vague' picture for many including you, the OW and workmates. <p>3. Looks for validation based on 1/2 information. <p>4. Probably wants others to take the blame for why he is not happy. <p>5. His mom is giving him the rope to hang himself but he is too dumb to notice. Thinks she is helping him with advancing the A. <p>6.You are still very much in the dark. <p>7. Despite that, your H turns to you to meet some of his needs and you are meeting them. When you try to get your needs met (discuss the A or M), he rejects you. Again major conflict avoider. <p>8. Makes big threats of D but it still has not come through 100%. Again it is your fault. <p>With the exception of item 5, I went through virtually the same thing. You are 3 months past d/d. You are still in shock and trying to recover. <p>Right now you need to let him go out there )which he already is) and let him go boom by himself. <p>You can continue to plan A (why - I don't know) buecase your plan A appears to be enabling the A. Or you can go to a strict plan B. He will gripe and moan and even file the D but at least you will stop meeting his needs and let OW have the 'real' alien him. <p>However, your wounds are still quite fresh. Read up on plan B and the book love must be tough by James Dobson. Also surviving an Affair is good since it gives both sides.<p>Of course this is JMHO.<p>L.

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GC - nothing you have described is unexpected to read. So, take a little comfort in knowing you're experiencing the same types of things many others here are or have experienced.<p>You say you're in Plan B. Did you send him a Plan B letter? Did you send a copy to OW? If not, why not? What did you accomplish in your Plan A?<p>On the surface, it sounds like the light of day has shown on the affair only to his mother, who is now a participant. The only ACTION you can take, if returning to Plan A isn't acceptable, is to reveal the true status of the marriage to OW and your willingness to reconcile to both her and your H. The necessary INACTION you should take is to do a strict Plan B - inaction in that you should do little to respond to your H, especially if doing so meets his needs.<p>So, please tell us the history of your Plan A and describe how you entered Plan B.

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Yep, WAT's advice is right on.<p>If you are doing plan B, write that letter (you can ask us for help in wording it) and copy the OW with it.<p>Then stop communicating (relationship talks are always a lovebuster, especially in plan A). Stay out of contact and let the affair die.

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Since he had left, I tried to implement plan A but found it was pretty difficult to meet his emotional needs when I never see him. I tried to be super nice and avoid conflict. Please realize my dates are correct, he left 15 months ago, not 3 months ago. Also, I forgot to mention, he just let the divorce case die, too much time had passed since he filed, and no action taken. (He told me because it would be easier to refile then get an extension, but has not refiled).
I have thought about writing the Plan B letter and have actually came up with a few drafts. I have read both SAA and Love Must be Tough but there is a slight difference between the two letters. In SAA, it says that I will be there if he decides to come back (but how long should I wait?). IN Love Must be Tough, it says that I am going to start moving on and removing him from my heart and I may be here if he decides to come back. I'm afraid I will push him further away if I tell him that and give him the freedom to break it off. Also, do you really think its a good idea to give the OW a letter. I know that will make him totally go berserk, he will absolutely hate me, what should I say in that letter? LIke I said, I am not sure if she knows we are still married or not. Help!!!

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If you haven't read this story read it.<p>Lostva's Story, 5th thread down - CLICK HERE

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IMHO, SAA and LMBT are working towards the same end - your survival, with or without your spouse.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by going_crazy:
<strong>Also, do you really think its a good idea to give the OW a letter. I know that will make him totally go berserk, he will absolutely hate me, what should I say in that letter? LIke I said, I am not sure if she knows we are still married or not.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>EXACTLY!! Here's the point: Their relationship is built upon lies and deceit - likely including his lie that your divorce has already happened. He's probably told her that YOU kicked HIM out and that you already have another boyfriend. Your Plan B letter and copy to her will tell the truth and allow her to suspect that he's been lying to her all along. This equates to trouble in paradise. See?<p>WAT

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sing:
<strong>If you haven't read this story read it.<p>Lostva's Story, 5th thread down - CLICK HERE</strong><hr></blockquote><p>How do I get to that link, there wasn't a shortcut to it

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by going_crazy:
<strong><p>How do I get to that link, there wasn't a shortcut to it</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sorry about that, have no clue why the link won't work but I bumed the whole thread up it <p>For Encouragement Lostva's story. <p>It is very good. Hope it helps.

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sing:
<strong><p>Sorry about that, have no clue why the link won't work but I bumed the whole thread up it <p>For Encouragement Lostva's story. <p>It is very good. Hope it helps.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sorry, I still don't see a link!!

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Hi Going-Crazy:
I, like you, am going crazy too. My story sounds similar to yours. My H (together 11 years) moved out last Oct. out of the blue, and right in with OW. He's been living with her ever since (7 months and counting...). I don't think he's called me ONCE in the whole 7 months, unless he's returning my call about something. And yes, he's told me on several occasions that he's sure he wants a divorce - but has done nothing to push it through. In other words, he makes a lot of noise about wanting a divorce, claims he has an attorney, blah blah, blah, then NOTHING HAPPENS. And same thing, I'm positive he blames it on me, and says I'm the one dragging it out (!).<p>I also found out that OW got a new job in the past month or so, so now they no longer work together. I'm curious if this will impact their relationship for better or worse. Hopefully, for worse!<p>Anyway, even though it's been 15 months for you, and only 7 months for me, I still wonder, how long am I willing to tolerate this garbage? My poor counselor - he must think I'm in major denial! He keeps trying to tell me "IT'S OVER! HE AIN'T COMING BACK!", but I am hanging on by a fingernail...<p>I too, am trying to balance the desire to not become a statistic (divorcee at 34), and try and save my marriage at any cost if and when my H decides to pull his head out of his a**, and just saying "That's IT...I'M DONE. OW, you can have him".<p>Blech! Not a happy place to be.

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Limu...It's the absolute worst place to be. We can't really plan A it because they're gone.. I wish they knew that the grass really isn't greener on the other side, like you I'm in limbo, that's why I started this topic, I need to hear success stories out there, I need to know that I am not wasting my time. I wish the best.

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by going_crazy:
<strong><p>Sorry, I still don't see a link!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I just bumped up the thread if you for one titled called Lostva's story or for encouragement. I bumbed Mon mornng early around 6

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Sing..thank you so much for leading me to that thread. Her story inspires me so much and her situation is almost the same as mine. I guess the whole typical "I care about you, but I don't know if I love you". In the beginning, he told me that him and the OW had a "connection" that we never had. <p>I have really been fighting with my emotions, like lostva, I love my husband very much and know that this person is not him, I know the real him, I am just waiting for him to come back out. The other day, he stopped by to get his mail ( I just happened to take the day off, so it he did not come to see me)..I asked why he was there, he said to get his mail, see the dogs, and I was an "added bonus", and he said not to take that in a sarcastic way, he meant it. I haven't called him, he told me he missed me and "that was all he was going to say". Then I let my guard down and tried to dig deeper into that, it only made him mad and he left.
I don't know what to do. I read that when you write a Plan B letter to be prepared for divorce, however I am not at that point, I love my husband too much, and I have seen him soften up quite a bit. He tells me he thinks about coming home but is scared its not going to work (with the unsaid being that he would lose the OW too).

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Since it's late here (12:30 a.m.) I haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to give you my experience as an affair survivor re: love/in love, and the fact that WS is still doing some "wifely" things.
  1. My WH did some similar stuff (although to some extent that was our agreement during separation) - he still paid bills, came up to mow lawn, but would do additional stuff like cleaning when he was here. As I reflect, this was probably because it was either meeting EN's for him or was motivated by guilt. But, from what I read of your posts, it sounds like your wife is definitely having EN's met by her behavior, but also, it sounds like she still wants to be married in some ways . . . ?
  2. I am convinced that loving someone and being "in love" are totally different things. In our current state, my H and I both agree that we love each other by sharing a love that goes deeper than the problems and having a desire to remain committed to each other, but that we have lost the "in love" part of our relationship. He bores me, annoys me, etc. while he didn't before we married. We are now trying to get back that "in love" state . . .
<p>I'm determined not to give up on being back in love again with my H . . . I only hope that your W will see this difference and desire to get the in love feeling back again.<p> - WLE

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wingslikeeagles, I am the wife!! Glad to hear you are going through recovery, I hope to get to that point soon.


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