Faith,<p>thanks for your encouraging words about posting here. Much of the time I feel that I am wasting my time here, that the BS don't really want to hear or learn from what a WS has gone thru. But I know that I have gained some valuable insight into life thru this experience as terrible as it was for my H. <p>My life is getting better, but has a long way to go. Sometimes I very much wish to talk with another WS who is going thru the same thing, but most don't talk openly here and share those feelings. It has been over a year since I sent the no contact letter to the OM. I knew went I sent it he would honor it and he has done so. But it's still hard and I find myself still grieving over his loss. I share that fact with no one because that is not what anyone wants to hear. Most assume that since I'm working hard on making my M work, that things are so much better and I have forgotten the OM. But many of the things I learned from the OM have been invaluable for me as a person, in my own personal growth. But it was thru that growth that I realized that I could never move forward with life until I resolved my marriage issues. And that takes lots of work, lots of resolve and lots of time. All of which I am grateful that my H has allowed me and has allowed for himself. I know if he had had a deadline on how long this should take, we would never have made it this far. <p>Well, faith, I'm rambling on here, sorry. But thank you for thinking that my posts have been helpful. I'm so glad that you have learned even a few things. God is very gracious to me.<p>Debbie

Hi Debbie!<p>Thanks for the response. I was afraid you wouldn't see my posts to you.<p>Yes, your input is very valuable here, and I'm sure there's others that would agree. I guess we're all different, and are all touched by different stories, viewpoints, and personalities.<p>I admire you for your hard work, and your willingness to hang around here, continuing to learn, and sharing your experiences.<p>I'm sorry things are not better - more easier - for you. I pray that time, patience, protection and care will continue to bless you and your marriage. I would have given almost anything for an honest second chance with my marriage, and I know you know that. Hang in there, and keep hanging around us, k?<p>{{{{{dlm}}}}}

Debbie,
I wanted to be sure you saw this from Conqueror on dreamland's thread... <p>It was a thought I had for you, and Conqueror said it very well, I think.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Debbie,<p>What happened may not have been manipulative on your H's part. He may have truly meant everything he said and did at that time, but the toll it took on him emotionally and energy-wise may have had an effect on his ability to sustain the changes despite his best intentions.<p>It is hard to keep up with things and keep your motivation high when you are depressed. I know I've had a hard time staying motivated when my LB$ was depleted. I think if the two of you keep working at avoiding LBs and filling each other's ENs, it will help restore his energy and reestablish what you saw before.
<hr></blockquote><p>{{{{{dlm}}}}<p>[ May 16, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

faith,<p>thanks for showing me this. I know that the whole business had a great affect on all of us, but one of the major factors in what happend was due to lack of respect for me on his part. And I can see that creeping back in. I think my H hasn't completely dealt with all the issues or his anger over my A and it's now coming out in this fashion. I have asked him to talk to someone about his feelings and his anger, but he denies even being angry. He tells me that it is all behind him now. So each time he says a nasty comment to me, I find myself emotionally withdrawing from him again. I have expressed that to him, but he dismisses it as over reacting on my part. But most of the snide comment he makes are extremely personal to me and hit me exactly where he knows I will feel the most pain and am the most vulnerable. But now, I have started just walking away while he is speaking and tell him, I will not listen to those anymore, but words play over and over in one's head.<p>So I come on this site to read how an A has affected various BS's and how they are coping. I have started using some of those coping skills to cope with this. knowing that once he gets thru his anger, he will be ready to work on our marriage again.
thanks faith for your help.
debbie

Hi Deb!
I was just thinking about you!<p>Click over there and read the "Question for the Guys" thread by definitely unsure. I thought of you while I was reading that. Not sure if it relates to you or not....<p>I admire you for being here! We may have to send the LB fairie over there to bop your H on the head!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 16, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

faith,
I did look at those posts and they help somewhat.<p>But many of the tendencies my H had before I got involved with anyone else, he still has and doesn't think they are a problem. only my problem. no one else thinks they are a problem. I have wondered who the "no one else" is, but he just strugs it off. <p>I don't think a bop on the head would do any good. We have Hartley's books, have taken those questionnaires and learned what each other's major needs are. We discovered that I easily meet his and did the whole time I was involved with someone else. But he thinks I really don't know what mine are even after doing all the work with the questionnaire. Because he just can't seem to meet them, so I must be mistaken. now that can be such a pain to live with..and he's always right. or so I'm told. But I'm bound and determined to make this work. <p>thanks for letting me vent. I sometimes feel that I don't have that right on here to vent my frustration.<p>debbie

I think you have every right to vent, and ask questions too. I think the BS's here dislike the WS's that justify their A's over and over, and/or blame the BS for pushing them into it. I haven't ever seen you do that [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . But please post what you're comfortable with.<p>(as soon as I've told you that, and you decide to vent, someone will come on and throw flames at ya and skeer you away [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ... so don't run away if that happens, k?)<p>Sounds to me like your H did a good plan A, but he didn't really do it for himself. I think your story is an excellent reminder for all of us who are in Plan A... it is for ourselves. If anyone Plan A's for the sole purpose of bringing home the WS, then the changes probably won't be permanent. It's got to be changes for OURSELVES - and should be for LIFE - regardless whether or not the WS comes home.<p>My XH and I didn't end up in recovery, and I find myself slipping back to old habits in many areas that I made improvements in. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for making me think - sorry for rambling!!!<p>I'm so glad you are committed... keep up the good work! For YOU!!!

dlm,<p>U have a good supporter here.....Faith is awesome!<p>Now I must say that regardless which side of the fence we sit on, it is hard to dance with only 1 pair of legs keeping instep with the music!! <p>It must be hard for guys to open up and meet our needs. WhY?!??! Hm...... we could go back in time and blame Adam, but then he blamed Eve. Am I hitting on something here? Whoa....this blame problem has been around for a looooooong time. You know the minute the first couple stepped out of the good guidance from their creator, trouble entered into the marriage. Hm.... so this is not a new problem. <p>Ok....with that thought in mind, I will leave this thread to bump it up for more input. <p>See ya soon!!!<p>L.

Thanks again faith, for just allowing me to vent.
Friday was my 27th wedding anniversary. It turned out to be very disappointing, but at least it still happened. I would vent, but it does no good. <p>So I just want to again encourage all BS's, whatever you do as your work on your marriage, but sure you are doing it for yourself. So whatever happens in the end, you are a better person. I feel that even tho, I was the WS, in my marriage, I am a better person. I know myself, I know my limits, but I also know how much more flexible I am. But I am also, extremely disappointed in my H. All that he showed me during his time in Plan A was wonderful. He was great. And I thought he was happy with all the changes he showed he was making in himself. So now, I shall study Plan A and begin working my own version on him. Maybe that would have the desired effect. Maybe he just needs to feel that all he has done made an inpression on me, which it did....very much. Altho, I have told him, I shall work on showing him.
And yes, I will keep venting even if it bothers some BS's. When I get some of these things out, it gives me the courage to keep on going and working on things, instead of opting out or seeking out someone else to listen and emphasize with me.
So faith, you are a god send to me and I will continue to write to you.<p>Debbie

Debbie,
I'm sorry your anniversary was disappointing [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>I am glad you are ready and willing to try working Plan A harder... for YOURSELF.... I hope and pray that your H will come back around.<p>We're here for ya!