Hey there CS, you are not alone, I know how you feel!! I just recently read another book, "When the One You Love Wants to Leave", by Donald Harvey, I really think the author has been a fly on the wall since the beginning. I highly recommend this book. I had read "Love Must be Tough" in the beginning, but I wish I had found this one. He explains every single emotion we feel, different reasons why spouses leave, etc, the whole emotional roller coaster thing. Feeling angry, feeling sad, everything. I got mine at one of the Christian Bookstores and it spoke to my heart. CS, you are in my prayers.

Your doing great, what you told WH about the separation is exactly right on! <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> For some reason, I am starting to finally understand that I can't control WH's actions. I can't make him stop seeing OW or talk him into reconciling. It's hard because I am a bit controlling but I get it now<hr></blockquote><p>No, you cant control WH's actions, but you can control the way you act and react towards WH and what he is doing. It took me a while to figure this out, but once I did, it sure made things a lot easier. I think a lot of BS's miss that point, especially early on after DDay. We tend to be clingly and needy, begging the WS to end the A, making all sorts of promises and demands, really forcing the issue. Not a big turn-on, especially if there is an OP waiting nearby. That's a part of Plan A, controlling the way you act and react to the crap WH is putting you through. Making yourself that safe haven for WH to come to is important, especially when the A finally dies. So, keep on doing a good Plan A, no angry outbursts, no disrespect, no demands, just let WH know that you are the one who loves him and can/will meet his needs.<p>You've also recognized that you can be a bit controlling, great. This will be a good time to make the necessary changes you need and show WH that you are changing for the better and are not going to be as controlling in the future.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Boy, was he down today. He watched the kids while I worked. He came on time (unusual) and was really down when he left. I walked him to the door and he just stood there for a minute like he wanted to say something. I pleasantly said Good-bye and see you Thursday night (when he watches the kids again). <hr></blockquote><p>Any ideas why? Maybe the OW is LB-ing? Maybe reality is starting to sink in? Don't let this opportunity slip away. Next time you talk to him, mention this, ask him if he wants to talk, then give him 100% undivided attention and let HIM do the talking, you just sit back and take it all in. My XWS acted the same way and when I offered to listen, I heard some of the most unbelievable garbage I have ever heard before. The A didn't end soon after that, but it sure helped me get a better understanding of what was going on. It allowed me to see the A for what it really was and realized that I wasn't to blame for the A at all. Sure, I was 50% responsible for creating the environment where an A could happen, but I wasn't responsible for W going out and having an A. I mention some of this stuff to W now and she cant believe she felt that way, says she was completely brainwashed by OM. Might be true.<p>Don't give up on WH or the M yet because it aint over. Keep that desire to reconcile the M and be with H inside you, don't let that fire go out. But, do move on without WH, live your life on your terms and try not to let his actions get you down. Learn everything you can about A's, how they happen and how to recover from them because knowledge is power. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, no LB's. And through all of this, pay attention to WH, don't push him aside, let him know you still love him, want to reconcile the M and make it better than it ever was. And be ready for him when the A dies because he will need you.

Hi. The first month and a half after WH left I was horrible (lots of LB's). In fact, WH said you are pushing me so far away from you with what you doing, saying, etc. I wonder if Plan A is too late (for him to notice).
I don't think WH thinks at this point (after the paperwork) I want to reconcile. I haven't told him that.
I don't know why he was so down yesterday. I was hoping because it was a reality check with paperwork and maybe OW's lb's but WH hasn't called today or tonight to talk to the kids. Not a good sign.
I hate the silence but I am not calling him.
Bye.
-CS

I am having a hard time with the silence. Almost every night since WH left, he has called the kids or they have called him. This is twice this week he hasn't called at all (and kids didn't ask to call him, so I didn't mention it). It seems like instead of things getting better, he is moving away farther. A few weeks ago he said he would stop seeing OW and didn't. I asked him about it that week and he said"I didn't say I was going to stop seeing her.I did stop where things were going." I didn't ask anymore and I think things went there.
I am not going to pursue him...I know that won't work. But I fear I am really losing him.
-CS

CS:<p>Same boat here, I always want to pick up the phone and call, make sure you have got a couple of friends on 24/7 call. If I want to pick up the phone, I call them!! Or, I just tie up my phone line on these message boards!!!!!!!

I'm reviewing the past few months (and prior to WH leaving) and I think I've made such major blunders. I pushed him away after he left and I suspect that he started the PA after he left (EA before) and the A continues to grow in feeling. WH is calling less, etc. Originally when he left, we talked about us and trial sep. and now, it's over and has been consistent about that for a few weeks.
I so much want to tell his family about the A.
He is not making the A public. Will he? When? Why won't he now? If he doesn't, is it likely to ever end?
I fear I am truly losing him.
-CS

Its hard, CS, its hard for all of us. But you are in good company here at MB, there are a lot of people here who have/are going through the exact same thing you are going through, thinking the same things, feeling the same emotions. To say you are going to be ok and actually being ok are two different things, but believe me, you are going to be ok. It's a roller coaster of emotions. One minute you are feeling great and the next you are feeling worse than you have ever felt. Perfectly natural, but if it is getting to the point where your emotions are starting to effect your daily life, it might be time to see the doctor and get on some AD's. I did for the first 3 mos after DDay and it helped tremendously, nothing wrong with needing a little help.<p>Your last post you recognized some of the things that you did that were seen as LB's. That's good, that's Plan A. Now you know some of WH's EN's and how you can meet them without LB-ing. Don't beat yourself up too much over what you did and didn't do, remember that H did his fair share of things as well. We are all guilty of making some huge LB's, of failing to meet our S's needs, but that is no excuse to run out and have an A, no excuse as all. Make sure that WH knows you are still fighting for the M, that you still love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. He needs to know that you are still there for him because you know OW wont be much longer.<p>Why wont he tell his family/friends? Because he knows what he is doing is wrong, wrong to you, to the kids, to OW and to himself. He is full of guilt, that's why he wont call, that's why he wont talk to you. He's afraid of what you might do, what people will think, of being cast out from his family. W told me that the guilt alone is what caused so many problems between her and OM and is what finally made her realize how wrong the A was. Are you losing him? Think of it this way, don't you want to loose the H who is involved in the A, the self-centered one, the one who treats you with so much disrespect? Yes you do, so don't be afraid of loosing this H because it is the other H you want back!<p>MB says that the A has to die a natural death, you cant force it. At first I had a hard time with this idea, thinking that I had a right to force OM out of W's life, but I now know that would have backfired. Let the guilt, the shame, the lies and deceptions feed on the 2 of them. Let these things destroy the A from the inside out because they will. The fantasy of the A has to have that bubble of secrecy in order to survive. Once that bubble is burst by discovery, it is only a matter of time, someone in that relationship is killing it, could be WH, could be OW, could be both, but someone is. Time and patience are on your side, you are in control of this situation!<p>GC has a great idea about the 24/7 support line. Do you have any one you can confide in personally, someone who wont judge you or your H, someone who will just listen to you and wont give a lot of bad advice? I don't think that right now you should tell his parents about the A although I do suspect that they know something. <p>Hang in there, CS, it's a wild ride, but we are all here to help you through it.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi.Thanks for your reply. I just have a minute but to burst the bubble of secrecy (sp) who has to discover the A? When is the bubble burst and public?
-CS

Bump! What's considered discovery? When is the secrecy bubble burst?
-cs

OK, so I am fixated on this question. But my concern is that because WH is not taking the A public -no public places, not telling family, refusing to discuss it with me-when is it considered that the secrecy bubble is burst and they are not inside the bubble anymore? I'm scared that WH will keep it "secret" until we are divorced in an effort to protect his reputation, job, (and hers?).
I look forward to comments.
Thanks,-CS

Hey there CS, how ya doing? Hang in there, stay strong, stay faithful to God, he is in control. Your H is living in a bubble, but since he is in this bubble, it shows that he is embarrassed by what he is doing. He knows what he is doing is wrong. Think of it this way, when you were married, think about all of the family and friends that were there to support you!! He was proud of you and him!! He has guilt (although he will most likely not show it), and he knows what people will think of him (and OW). Remember, God is in control, God will bust that bubble, and be prepared for the consequences. Friends/Family/Inlaws, it can be very difficult, sides may be taken, or at least seem to be. Please read that book that I mentioned in a few threads above. Because "if", and I emphasize "if", his side of the family "seems" like they support what he is doing, just remember that blood is thicker than mud, and its not you. I know that you are tempted to break this bubble, unfortunately things have to be given time. Try not to criticize him in any way around your friends, if it gets back to him, it may only give him ammunition, stay loving and supportive even when you don't feel like it.

GC-
Thanks for reply. Yes, I am tempted to tell people about WH's A but I am not going to at this time. I am just scared that it'll never go public and the A will never be over-that without it being public, it won't run its' course. It could stay this way indefinitley until divorce.
I do need to check that book out.
Boy, WH seems tired lately. Too many late nights? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
I asked why he didn't come over for a drink Sunday (posts above, I shouldn't have asked him over)-if he just didn't feel like it, had plans, or was uncomfortable. He said uncomfortable. Could he be so loyal to the OW already? My guess is that he had plans. No more questions on my part.
Take care,
-CS

bump!

CS-<p>Sorry I haven't replied sooner…<p>Discovery (DDay) is when the BS finds out about the A. Discovery could come from several different sources, from the WH telling the BS, from friends or family, or from the BS finally putting the pieces together and confronting the WS. I my case, it was the last one, funny thing is that me and OM's W figured it out at the same time. Once the A is revealed and the BS is aware, then that bubble of secrecy is burst, that's when the dynamics of the A change. Prior to DDay, the infidels could do whatever they wanted and didn't have to worry about anyone finding out. Its part of the fantasy, the rush they feel by doing something 'illegal' adds to the excitement. Like a kid who shoplifts, in addition to the actual shoplifting, they also crave the sense of excitement of doing something they know to be wrong. It just builds on itself.<p>But now that secrecy is gone, the dynamics change and the whole relationship takes on a different feeling. Now that you know about it, the feelings of guilt, remorse and shame come into play. Every time that WH and OW get together now, these feeling are going to be there, effecting everything that they do. The A isn't as much fun anymore, it has lost its sense of adventure and excitement. Another thing to remember is that the A is kinda like dating, the players only showed each other their good sides. Well guess what, now they are going to show each other their other sides, the sides that only us BS's know about, think that either one is going to be turned on by that?<p>WH is tired because guilt is eating him up, maybe he cant sleep. WH is uncomfortable being around you because he knows he has done wrong, same reason that he hasn't told his family or friends about it. How long do you think that OW is going to put up with that? At some point she is going to wonder if he isn't embarrassed by being with her. She might even demand that he make a commitment to her and her alone. Shes single as well, maybe WH is going to start wondering if she isn't going to move on now and to see someone else. See, the dynamics are changing, just give it some time. <p>GC is right about family and friends taking sides, you gotta be real careful with that one, especially if WH makes an effort to conceal the A or has another excuse as to why you are separated. I would strongly recommend that you NOT tell anyone about the A, that could be a huge LB on your part, tempting as it is.<p>I think you are doing fine, doing all the right things. No questions, no prying, no asking about OW or their relationship. Just make sure that WH knows you are the safe harbor in this storm, that you are the one who loves him unconditionally. Its going to take some time for WH to come around, you just gotta let him figure it out on his own. Pay close attention to his actions, they will tell you more about what is going on than by what he says. From your post, I already see some good things going on.<p>The weekend is here, take some time for CS and her kids to have some fun! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

LRS-
Thanks for thoughtful reply. Hope things are going well for you. Yes, you are both right, I won't tell his family (they would be disapointed-40+yr marriage). They think WH is "working on the marriage."
Well, I am glad to know that my knowledge of A is considered discovery enough. Whew!
I haven't call WH once today-not even about kids. I've been writing down q's as they comeup(kids) and will ask them when he picks-up kids for w-end. We switched w-ends so I can take the kids camping (first time) next w-end. He called and left me a message today about something he could have told me later. I am going to count that as a first and a positive and let that get me through the w-end. Plans with friends tonight -thank goodness.
Happy Friday!
-CS

Hello. I've had an interesting w-end. WH has the kids and I've had plans and he called me 13 times last night and asked me to call him. He said (on the message) all the things that I've(prior) been saying to him, "If it means something, you'll call back" etc. He called this morning early and said he just wants us to get along, etc. Nothing about the relationship. I looked nice Friday when he saw me, have been ending conversations before him and not calling him often. I think he senses that I am really starting to let him go and he is not sure about it.
Maybe it's panic mode for him and he'll accept it and continue to move on, but for now, it's nice to know that what I've been doing has been noticed and he has been feeling alittle of what I have the past 2 months.
Hurray for Plan A.
-CS

Forget my earlier posts, I goofed again. WH dropped the kids off tonight. I said hi and bye and that was it. THen, I called him about kids stuff a couple of times and tried to talk about relationship. He said he wasn't getting into it tonight and we've gone over it before,etc. He said we could talk about it tomorrow night. I said, "Never mind, You're right. There's nothing else to say about it. You just want a quick divorce and to be done with it." He said, I guess so and that was it. I have a feeling OW was there.
So, major LB and now I feel like crap. Sunday nights are tough for me.
Comments?
-CS

Can't Sleep,<p>I'm pretty new to this site but have been in the Recovery forum. Just surfed over here for a minute and came across your post. It hurts my heart reading it. Can I help? Do you want to talk or something. My husband had to go help our neighbor and so I'm here online for awhile.<p>Let me know. <p>I posted my story several days ago in Recovery. I'm a wayward spouse but we are in recovery. <p>Let me know if I can help. Others here helped me and I want to help someone. I know I have something to offer.

Hugs can't sleep...<p>PLEEEEAAAASSSEEE, don't analyze every encounter... word... etc. You will drive yourself crazy. (speaks the voice of experience).<p>You have to decide if you are in this for the long haul... if so, as they say, keep your eyes on the prize.<p>Make a journal and keep track of all of your actions and their effectiveness... keep what works, throw out what doesn't.<p>This is not something that happens overnight... and you have to have faith... <p>Hugs,
Cali

Can't Sleep,<p>Cali really had excellent advice. <p>Cali wrote<p> PLEEEEAAAASSSEEE, don't analyze every encounter... word... etc. You will drive yourself crazy. (speaks the voice of experience).<p>Yes, Cali is correct that over analyzing will drive a person insane. What if this, What if that, What does this mean, that mean. Don't do it CS. Just try to relax, let things fall in place. Stay back some with the calls. You mentioned in one post that you called him to come over, regretted it when he said he was going or coming from a game, then you wanted to call him to say "forget it" don't come over. <p>Don't do this to yourself. I say yourself, because the only one getting hurt by that is you. Just rest. It was okay to thank him for the gift, after that, let it go. That is classy to thank him for a gift, even send a note as suggested by others but leave it at that, if you can. I know its hard.<p>We are all here for you