Fact, husband had affair, he denies for over year, he says I imagined everything and have a mental illness. He is a good man and has been the perfect husband since I found out BUT he refuses to take responsiblity for affair and just denies. Why if its over , and pretty sure it is, would he not feel the need to tell me when he knows how much pain and trouble it has caused me. He wants to move on and forget it all and so do I but I need him to say its over and he is sorry he hurt me. He just won't. Why not? he knows for fact that he is forgiven for affair so thats not an issue with us. I just can't forgive him for lying to me so he loses my trust and respect. any ideas why he won't tell me when he sees all the trouble it has called????? Can you really do Plan A feeling like I do about the trust and respect?? I am doing everything to save this marriage all alone as he won't talk. I need total honesty in order for marriage to be really great and it could be but not with this lie between us. He says its me destroying the marriage by continuing bringing up this affair etc. He wants it swept under rug and lets forget it, wish I could but won't really happen. Any ideas?

sounds like he is allergic to guilt. Guess you are going to have to decide if you can deal with this or not, cuz you may never get satisfaction here. Is he meeting and does he meet your ENs?

Chardon....is he open to Counseling? Maybe reading about these things? That might help. Time will also help...maybe get an agreement to try to learn about why it might be important to deal with these things...<p>It sounds pretty "textbook" WS, nothing very unusual about "wanting to sweep it under the rug", at least at first it's certainly like that; my wife's been on that bandwagon for over 8 months...nothing's worked yet.<p>Plan A...try to give it time, try to get counseling, and try to get him to explore learning about these things.

The reason it's bothering you is because he is disrespecting you by basically calling you crazy rather than admit to what he did--wanting you to take the rap. He's doing it because he doesn't want to confront himself or face himself. If you want intimacy in your M, you're never going to have it with that mountain under the rug.<p>My H has at least admitted his A and given me a lot of details about it, but we still have a whole lot more talking to do about it to get it processed and fully dealt with before I can feel safe, protected, and cared for in this M, so I can imagine how you must feel!<p>Instead of concentrating on his denial, focus on your feelings and what you want kind of R you want. If his denial has caused deterioration in your feelings for him (huge Love Bank withdrawals), tell him that: This issue between us has had a negative effect on my feelings for you. As long as this remains between us and it is not dealt with appropriately, we will not have intimacy in our M. I want a M with closeness and intimacy. I want to feel cared for and protected, and I want you to feel the same. I'm not feeling safe in this M. What do you want to do?<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Chardoneer, here is what Harley says about this issue but i agree that it is crucial to the recovery of your marriage that he tell you the truth:<p>From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation. <p>Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse. <p>But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy. <p>It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity. <p>It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth. <p>It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed. <p>After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better. <p>The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one. <p>If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair. <p>How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies

thanks for insight. I know it is destroying feelings etc and our marriage but I have tried everything. Am going to see a MC and try to figure out why he won't tell me and how I can live without it with him.Won't be easy and mc is my last resort. He is really a decent man but this totally confused me as to his charature, so unlike him or so I thought. We could have a good marriage but feel that this is a biggy between us that will never go away for me. He is the big loser but doesn't know it. You simply cannot have a good marriage with a lie like this between you-bottom line. Thanks for advice.

Wish I had some answers for you, but I don't. I am in the same boat. H denies all, but at times has said I "made him do it" or when I had tried to talk to him last year to STOP it, he told me " I havent done anythin yet but now I will cause you keep accusing me". I knew it already was going on. He lied about so many things. Changed his story for each situation many times without even realizing it. OF course everything is MY fault, according to him. Blah Blah. <p>At christmas, I asked him to lets put the past behind us & start fresh. He refused. Recently, he got jealous when a male cousin of mine came to visit! Then he gave those words back to me. But when I asked what did him & OW "talk about" that was so intriguing, he got mad & took it back & said it was none of my business & he would never tell me. To let it go. He had said in past that I would always "throw it in his face" and that I had told everyone (falsely according to him) that he had affair. Well, I didnt. They knew ALREADY from observations!!! He also says everyone is taking my side & refuses to have much contact with out friends! He has become very isolated. Stays out alot, possibly at 1 guys house, but I dont know for sure. I cant trust him & am afraid to. He continues to sleep on the floor.<p>If I pretented everything was hunky dory he might come around some, but the details tear me apart. I have heard pieces from people that complete my puzzle. He did things with her sexually he never asked me about or tried. It tears me up on WHY HE CROSSED THAT LINE??? What was SO special about this OW that he would risk everything in his life for it??? Hours on the phone talking about what?, secret yahoo messenger about what? overnight field trips for work secretly in same hotel!! well, obviously sex on that one. ALl the time, he would come home after midnight or whatever and nag at me & curse etc about there being nothing to eat & the house being dirty!! Well, thats in the past now. He doesnt say that anymore, but does still nag about bills & paperwork. He separated our accounts in half last year, so with each of us with new #'s now, its still that way. He pays me back half.<p>I've been seeing a counselor since last July, and am on antidepressants. They worked very well till lately. Nowadays, I feel on edge and am upset & sad that myself & our marriage dont seem important to him. He lols around with his head hangind down but does not talk to me hardly at all. I guess I feel this way lately, because our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up. I dont know what to do. Originally, I thought we'd have a big celebration & renew our vows etc. I was going to buy him something he really wanted for yrs @ $300-400 but he found it himself for less than half price & bought it. <p>He is out of town for conferences lately & has called from the airport when coming & going. He had stopped doing that this past year. But he does not call in between, its been me. ANd if I dont call, he hasnt either. I am so sad anymore. Just stuck in limbo. I still don't want a divorce & end to this. I feel a smallbit like somewhere deep inside he cares & we could work this out, if only he'd open up about WHY of last year. But I guess, some people never do! I cant seem to get over wanting an explanation!! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for advice but Im moving on. Saw MC and have accepted the fact that he will never be honest with me about it. Can't change that so since he is now being the perfect husband to me I will accept that and try to deal with the marriage on those terms. won't be easy but I do want to move on as it has been punishment enough for both of us for a year and half. He has to live with his own guilt knowing he knows I know he lied. Wish me luck as I will need it.