I think most of us know the list of the 180 stuff- who finds it working for them and how? I think this works better than most stuff I have tried, but find it diff. when I really want R to work.<p>h

Those principles work for me. My M has survived, is in recovery,and is actually a very good place to be.<p>But, and it is a HUGE but, it will only work for YOU yourself personally. Okay? There is no guarantee at all that you will regain your marriage. However, you will most definitely regain your SELF,and that is the big win. If the changes in you spark off genuine change in your H, that's great. If you go into this though with the sole idea of trying to win back your WH, you will probably fail - because you'll be playing a part, it won't be for real. You do this for your self, not your H, not your fantasy of an ideal marriage. If you don't remain married, well, you will have your self for your lifetime, and will be much better fitted for a good, strong, healthy relationship further down the line.

Honey,
I used some divorce busters techniques. And, they can work with Plan A. For me, the benefit was to realize that there were other ways of reacting than anger or crying. Like, "I feel like telling him he's a no good louse" or begging, but what would be a better way to positively connect?<p>You know my advice to you.
-Concentrate on no lovebusters, no angry outbursts
-no impulsive phone calls or drive bys
-behaving with politeness & cordiality when you talk to your H
-if he is abusive to you, hang up or walk away.

thanks Lor, and just starting over.. true, I want to say...you are a louse... so I have to combine db tech. (aka living my own life) with plan a... other stuff does not work... thanks, Honey

Honey,
DB is very, very similar to MB in most ways. It just does it in a more subtle, less structured way.
I mean 180's are the same as what MB suggests to make changes, moves that make the WS take notice; The "Last Resort" in DB is almost identical to Plan A, and "After the Last Resort" is like Plan B.<p>I got started with all of this after reading "Divorce Remedy", the 2nd book by Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of DB. I found MB after that, and I like the structure, the plan, but essentially it's very much the same.

thanks, I have read parts of db... I feel like I lb'd this wkend over the maid truth confession... I got a version of it...saying no mothers day lunch without confession and end of contact... but then I felt bad and remembered that my h does not at all react or do what people want if he feels at all pushed into a corner...<p>I got a bit of -- what do you want, flowers, etc.. and at first he tried to be nicer.. but the more I insisted on truthful confession from the guy... and no contact with maid...he finally sd.<p>You are not going to dictate to me..! <p>He even sd that he did do ... a little kind of vulgar.. with maid... blo+ jo+, but then backed out of it... sd he will not admit it even if he did... called her a slave.. and said she works for cheap.<p>Also sd that he put it into his rental agreemt with his new male professional roomie.. that he provides cleaning so he cant get rid of her.. and he likes the fact that she likes him... even admitted that she sd she loves him.. he sd he told her he does not love her..<p>blah blah blah.<p>I went to dinner last night with him... because I decided I was pushing too hard for confession.. and as bramble rose put it...did not want to slap away this opp. for plan a... or good repoire-<p>well went well... except I made one rude latino comment... I am not prejudiced.. it is just one particular latino.. <p>my kids were kidding him that a lobster was in his pants biting him... and I joked it was a latino one! haha.. it made him very mad.. and he almost left!<p>Well... so much for that... I got a m day card saying I did the greatest thing anyone has ever done for him by being the mother of his children.. he bought our family dinner and gave me some money and card from him and brought one from kids.. he wanted to give me a hug when he left...<p>he did talk a bit about some of his new activities with new guy friends which got me kind of mad.. but oh well.. at least it is guys!<p>anyway... opinions?<p>thanks, Honey

I am a huge fan of divorcebusting.<p>I would like to point out to you, that there isn't a list of 180's. A 180 means to do the opposite of what you would have normally done. Do not act in the way your spouse expects you to act.<p>It is very similar to MB. Only there are no timelines, as long as is it's working keep doing it. You may just need to tweek thing a wee bit.<p>There is also no Plan B Letter. Michele Weiner Davis doesn't think the letter is a good idea. However, she does agree with Last Resort. To suit your needs.

Hi Honey<p>It's not a good idea to keep making comments about the latino. He will see this as you trying to make him feel guilty. Don't bring her up. Focus on having a pleasant time when you are with him.<p>When he is telling you things about himself, show him that you are interested in what he is saying. Even if you aren't. He is sharing things that he does, with you. Laugh when he says something funny. Pay him compliments. And above all else, SMILE. Even when you don't think that you can.

thanks everyone... I need to go back and reply to all of you... patient1, I hear your wisdom on the latino/housekeeper... definite lb - although she and his dealings with her... both as "slave", this is what my h calls her.. and as "other"... are very hurtful to me..<p>I will drop the subject,I just got back from alanon... <p>and tonight I thought about and reflected on me not telling him what to do... but also sharing my experience, strenth and hope with him as well... in a total non telling him what to do manner... <p>I wanted to tell him... get rid of her... or no me... and in some ways I have... it is so sad dealing with an alcoholic as well as a cheater... who chooses to do the awful things he is doing... <p>I am so appreciative of all of your exper. strenth and hope and the wisdom mb has to offer...<p>I really need it these days... I am even considering filing for the D... as my h has not given me any child support for over a month...<p>thanks and hugs to all of you... I have to go take care of my boys... I went to exercise and to alanon tongith! talk about taking care of me! guess what, I feel better! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>thanks, HONEY

Honey,
That took some strength to go through with the dinner. You did a good job sticking to plan A. Hope you feel good about the progress you are making for you. Keep up the good work.

Honey - <p>I just wanted to recommend that you read- if you haven't already - the book by Gary Smalley - How to Win Your Husband Back Before It's Too Late. <p>I know the title sounds kind of desperate, but I think that you and I are about in the same place with regards to our own individual recovery and the book is about focusing on ourselves instead of obsessing about the WH.<p>I read it a while back and then for some reason just picked it up again and it's all about how to change US. It's Christ centered and us centered. It's not fanatical but practical and is full of ways to get us back on track.<p>At first I really didn't want to read any books or hear from anyone about going on with my life and changing myself because it felt like I would be giving up on marriage. So I continuous prayed for WH and focused most of my energy on him and what I could do to win him back.<p>Well I'm now learning the secret to the whole process because I wasn't ready to hear it until now. You really do have to take care of you and become a whole person without WH - the person we were before we got married that the WH fell in love with. It's not easy after being married for so many years but its necessary and possible. <p>Anyway, the book is great and it really helps you get back on track with your life in a positive way and then your WH sees the changes and the magic happens. It really is like doing a Plan A and divorcebusting but it has a more you and God focused approach which fits in nicely with MB. <p>I just got so inspired by it as I am also working on becoming my own strong self, without totally rejecting ExH but without obsessing over him either and it may help you through your journey too. K

Honey, <p>I've used the DB material a lot. IMHO it works best when used in conjuntion with the MB material. MB gives the structure. DB gives wonderful ideas of how to pull of plan A and how to plan A your spouse for life.<p>The 180 suggestions are some of those great ideas.<p>Another reason I really like the DB material is that they are meant to be worked by only one spouse.

I just wanted to comment on your last post (which I love by the way) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>"and tonight I thought about and reflected on me" <p>HUGE progress for you to be able to say this and do this.<p>"it is so sad dealing with an alcoholic as well as a cheater... who chooses to do the awful things he is doing... "<p>Girlfriend!!!! I am too excited about this one! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Here you are admitting reality (it is sad!!) and your allowing him to be responsible for HIS actions - it is HIS CHOICE NOT Honey's fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>
"... I am even considering filing for the D... as my h has not given me any child support for over a month..."<p>Here you talk more about taking care of Honey and her kids - focus is right on! and that you are responsible for your own life too!!<p>"... I have to go take care of my boys... I went to exercise and to alanon tongith! "<p>Again, focus is right on - taking care of Honey.<p>I read your post and felt so encouraged for you!!! You sound so good!!!!! keep up the good work!!!!!!

thanks again everyone! still doing better and better.. and think my h is starting to wonder where all those emails... with ideas for cahnge and all the advice I give him on what to do to change and work things out... and my constant requests for counseling are going... <p>somewhere on the db site.. it sd... do not ask him to go to counseling... (Hello honey... he does not want to go... he doesn't like me as I am right now... hello)-<p>I too, agree with above poster... I feel like I am giving up on my M... to work on me.... <p>I do feel like I am givng up on M... but I have been very self focused in the past , and it was always better for me! I felt so quiltry.... still at times do a little for my attitude towards my h... before the a , during and now...
I feel like I messed up and that is why he is doing this... I foucs on getting him to see the light! I focus on him... him ... him... and I sink into depression... because if I did a dance and voo doo spell or a prayer... etc.. or even magic.. he would still be him.. and me me...<p>If my H is this yuck person who is doing whatever with the maid... and also... drinking and drinking and not facing his drinking and blaming marriage problems... solely on me...<p>who wants him... I want an h who loves me and cares about me... <p>he does not right now..<p>
guess what.. .my life is not where I want it to be... it is unmanageable...it is sad.. how low I have gone in this spiral... I have been mega depressed and almost broderick nuts.... ! some of yall know that movie, right?<p>I have to get back to being a hppy me... with or without h... I wish he would come around... and I am just so tired of it... so tired of trying to change... him..<p>I have been dreading and depressed that he got a roommate thinking oh great that means he will keep his stupid lease on that stupid house and stay gone a full year... well, so be it... I can do more with the rest of my year.. for me... I dont have to wait around here for him to come home... to have a life... <p>when I feel us grow apart I get scared... and lonely and frightened... he was a rock to me... in a strange way... one that I took care of... <p>What is so oooo strange... hello alanon... is that I made his life work for him and he doesn't want me... he is in way worse shape than before... he left.. but claims to be hapy.... well I guess he is doing what he wants... being drunk and happy and fooling around with women... <p>but I will make my LIFE better! I will!<p>TOWANDA for all you fried green tomatoes fans!<p>honey

Honey, DB worked wonders for me. It is main technique I used right from the start. Only thing, it can drag on and on in limbo. There usually comes a point, as in my case, where you want it resolved. When you reach that point, and probably cut your H loose, that is usually when he comes back! Worked for me anyway. Took 1 1/2 years but it was worth it. We are happier now than we have ever been in 21 + yrs of marriage.<p>Carol

Towanda to you too Honey!!!<p>That is one of my favorite movies. We just watched it the other night. <p>You sound so much better than you used to. I am proud of the progress you have made. It feels so much better doesn't it.<p>I have to run to bed....have been up way to late the last few nights. Thanks for the prayers on my other thread. Pat