I am married. I have been for 12 years. Within the first 2 years, my wife had a fling with a person she met while working on the afternoon shift at a gas station. She met him often, and even met his parents! (he was 19, she was 21) They played and kissed alot and did so in his closed bedroom! (according to HER thats all that happened) I was floored! I didnt and still dont believe thats all that happened! I began to pay for Women on the street. The ugliest and worst I could find. I even attempted suicide! After 8 years of this behavior, and an arrest, I stopped. Duing that time she attempted to date two men off the net in another state. Anyway, NOW I dont do that stuff, but I just found that she has been seeing a man on the net. I found out by a spy program, of their emails. She got mad. She FLEW OUT OF STATE to SEE this man! She left a suicide note to give her the window to leave over night. (a practice I have never done) She had Never even SEEN his picture. I also found she has spent 400 on the tickets and 200 on a cell phone Months earlier to keep it all secret. ALL the while I thought My life was going good. People say, IT SERVES ME RIGHT! but I feel that all the $10 hookers in the world cannot amount to a long term relationship with another person, where kissing, dating and flirting as WELL as sexuality is done! She claims after returing from her trip that ALL she did was meet in a parking lot, and kiss. SHe LATER admitted it was actually a hotel room and he lifted her shirt. He removed his pants and was bottomless, but she refused the advance. He was dissapointed, but they continued just kissing!!!! She thinks I should believe this. I DO NOT!!! I wanted her to quit the two low pay jobs she had that gave her the time to call him on days. She refused, then later did so. She also called him a week after returning. AFTER telling me she would NEVER call him. I KNOW I have done things in the past, but I feel I cannot trust her. When I was doing stuff, I was a wreck of a person, but SHE, SHE can do things and be FINE with it. SHE has to be CAUGHT. There was never GUILT untill that time. WHAT should I do?

You really really really need to see a counselor for yourself before you go any farther.<p>Get your own self straightened out a bit before makign any more decisions or taking any more actions.

Do I even dare?<p>If it weren't for the description of the WW I'd say this was my X. <p>I'll keep my issues here to myself and second the counseling idea. <p>You have no idea of the damage a few crack whores can do to a wife.

Another vote for the counseling . . . with a suggestion for a possible specialty for the counselor to have . . . <p>You may want to see someone with a focus on sexual addiction since it is possible you are both dealing with this issue. While your wife's behavior has rightfully angered and hurt you, your behaviors have hurt her as well. My husband's addictive sexual behavior (esp. re: internet porn & cybersex) ultimately lowered his resistance to having an affair, and has continued to plague our marriage and thwart recovery since he has returned home.<p>Please take a look at your own behaviors and how they contribute to your marital problems. As a betrayed spouse, one of the hardest, but BEST things I did was acknowledge my contributions to our marriage problems. This continues to be my ongoing task today . . . <p>This has been a little rambling, but I wanted to give you a quote to consider and a web site to take a look at:<p>-----------------------------------------------
Sexual Dependency: What it is.<p>Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment.<p>Sexual addiction has been called sexual dependency and sexual compulsivity. By any name, it is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates the addict's life. Sexual addicts make sex a priority more important than family, friends, and work. Sex becomes the organizing principle of addicts' lives. They are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their unhealthy behavior.<p>No single behavior pattern defines sexual addiction. These behaviors, when they have taken control of addicts' lives and become unmanageable, include: compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, child molesting, incest, rape, and violence. Even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors.<p>Copied from www.sexhelp.com by Dr. Carnes (a leading expert in sexual addiction)
--------------------------------------------------<p>Check out sexhelp.com - perhaps this will give you some insight as well.<p>- WLE<p>[ May 13, 2002: Message edited by: WingsLikeEagles ]</p>

Well, I’m gona say some of the things others are holding back on because I think you need to hear them. And they are part of what will get you out of this mess….<p>Re: “I feel that all the $10 hookers in the world cannot amount to a long term relationship with another person, where kissing, dating and flirting as WELL as sexuality is done!” <p>You are kidding right? So your dirt is not as dirty as hers? Yes, your wife was the first to cheat, but by going down the path you did you took your marriage and yourself to a lower level.<p>Re: I KNOW I have done things in the past, but I feel I cannot trust her. When I was doing stuff, I was a wreck of a person, but SHE, SHE can do things and be FINE with it. SHE has to be CAUGHT. There was never GUILT until that time. WHAT should I do? Yes you have done things in the past and I’m sure she feels she cannot trust you. Why should she? <p>This is a case of the pot calling the kettle black. A betrayed spouse does not get a ‘get out of jail free’ card to behave in any manner they choose and remain morally superior to the other spouse. You are both wayward spouses and betrayed spouse. It sounds like you both have heaped untold hurt and damage upon yourselves, each other and your marriage. <p>IMHO what you need to do is to first realize that you both contributed to this mess. I don’t see anyone here who is better then anyone else. Then you need to get some serious counseling. Probably individual counseling first with some work on sexual addictions for the both of you. Then once you have individually healed a lot, then get some marriage counseling.<p>In addition, read all of the material on this web site and the books they suggest. I'd also suggest you read the material on www.divorcebusting.com.<p>[ May 13, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

You have a dysfunctional relationship with your wife.
She is having affairs which results in you having sex with hookers during which time she is still having affairs which forces you to spy on her to see if she really loves you and is being faithful and on it goes leaving you angry and disillusioned with your life. You need to step back and really look at your marriage. If you are unhappy with the marriage the chances are your wife is just as unhappy. Both of you need professional help. If what she is doing is an addiction than she may need individual therapy. To go through the process of rebuilding requires a deep commitment from both of you. Start with printing out the ENs questionnaire as well as other info that will help open up the line of communication with your wife. Best wishes...tomaz