Hi All,<p>Please help as I am very confused right now.<p>Separated for one month, doing separated plan A with children.<p>My WW still have not confessed and I havent pushed the issue. I have facts, she know and I know, but we never communicated this.<p>I have been visiting her once or twice a week with no real communications, other than things re. the children and mutual friends.<p>I tried to tell her we need to talk, but I can tell that is not what she wants. I want to tell her I know of the A, the OM, etc, etc. I have a feeling she wants to tell it all too to relieve herself of still trying to keep the communications a 'secret'.<p>Should I just come out and say it? just pour my feelings out without angry outburst, insults, etc. Im a mature man, and I know people make mistakes, but I also believe the longer we avoid this 'discussion' the farther we will drift apart. <p>Or, should I be patient?, and let her just handle this on her own, let her live with this secrecy. We are both conflict avoiders.<p>What should I do? break the ice and talk about everything maturely or just back off , not talk about it, and let us both shut our emotions with each other?<p>Please help...

I agreed with you that you must communicate honestly and openly that you are aware of the affair and who the OM is and that you are willing to try to salvage the marriage. The problem is that since you are both avoiders then nothing is being discussed. The attitude of burying your head in the sand and hoping it will somehow all go away is not going to happen.\
You need to open up and try to find out why she had the affair and what both of you can do to fix it if possible. If you refuse to open up then you will probably lose everything. What do you have to lose? You need to stand up and take action now and have her stop with the lying and cheating.
She needs to show you respect by being honest to you and you need to show her respect by being open and honest about what you know. The longer you wait the worse it will become. I wish you luck.

Hi, <p>Been wondering how you have been doing. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Going to bump this up for a few responses from the BS H's out there. <p>What have you read so far? Both conflict avoiders is not healthy. Do you have a counselor? <p>Take a look at spacecases' thread. Might see a few ideas out there. Then let us know what you think. K?<p>L.

Good Morning - thanks for the help.<p>I am going to talk to her. Discussions about the A is going to be a LB. Would it be better to write a letter or email? I have read that WS do not like and will avoid the discussion. Until she start or even acknowledge the A, I feel our M will not go anywhere. I dont want to push but I dont believe I have a choice. My WW did tell me several occasions that she dont want to D, but I feel we are not making any progress. Im starting to drift further and further from her since I have separated.<p>Orchid: I have read SAA, and I do have a counselor (once a week appts). Im getting better everyday. I know I can make it on my own but I want to give my M everything I have to savage it, if possible. <p>Thank you all for your help, everyone TAKE CARE.<p>
LAN

Dear LiveANew,<p>Good to hear from U. I found that sending e-mails was less offensive to the WS. The WS will try very hard to find fault anyway. <p>I learned to ask in those e-mails open ended questions. Not necessarily about the A but related to it. In the fog sometimes you can get away with asking in a round about way. <p>Here's an example:<p>WS: I don't want a D<p>E-mail: You know the other day when you said you did not want a D, it puzzled me. Can you please tell me why?<p>WS: U talk about the A too much.<p>e-mail: You have said that I talk about the A too much. You are right. If I knew more about it, there would be lesst to talk about. I have a vivid imagination and it is giving me a headache. Let me know when you can help my headache go away. <p>WS: You just don't understand.<p>E-mail: I am trying to recall some of your points that we find it difficult to discuss (notice the 'we' - that is not make it soo directed to her). You have often said that I don't understand.....you are right, I don't. I feel like I am in the dark holding my most precious possessions (my family) and there is no light or a visible way out, yet there are many unknown obstacles all around me. How do I protect my family in this crazy maze that we are in? Please help me. <p>Well something like that. This is what I did. I asked open ended questions and let them in the e-mail. The WS (at the time) choose to respond by talking with me. He wrote a few times but most of the time would call and want to discuss the e-mail. At first I was happy to have him call, then it got to be an excuse for him and he did start to use those times to harass me. When that happened, I stopped the conversations but continued to send periodic e-mails. How often you send them is also important so keep them brief and to the point. In between send some happy jokes and stuff. <p>L.