I've had a hard time figuring out how to deal with OW. She was a best friend of mine. Very long story, but I would have trusted her with my life.<p>When A was revealed to me by H, OW "promised" to do anything I needed her to do. She apologized, blah, blah, blah. I believed her. I asked her to stop talking to my H on the phone, emailing, etc. She said she wouldn't talk, etc. to him even if HE was the one who called. I believed her.<p>This past weekend, H told me that he's talked to her 3 times since then (he doesn't know what I asked her to do, unless, of course, she's told him, since she's a complete liar). <p>Yesterday, I typed an email to her telling her how it made me feel to be lied to again. It was pretty much to the effect that I was mistaken in believing she was honest, and I had no use for her anymore, and that I'd be better for my H than her and she knew it (with a lot of expletives added).<p>Anyway, it made me feel better to write, but I knew I shouldn't send it, so I saved it as a draft. This morning, I read it again and I REALIZED...<p>I can't make her be honest or respect my marriage. I will not seek her out and try to make her understand. She doesn't understand. If she tries to call me (likely to happen), I will calmly tell her that I don't appreciate her lying to me, and I will hang up. She can be the desperate, pathetic one because I won't. I deleted the email message, unsent!<p>Thanks, everyone who's been trying to tell me this for about a month. I get it.

dani,<p>I've only been here a short time, have read much. One thing I also got was that we BS can not control the OP.<p>GOOD for you to delete the Email. You have started to recapture the YOU out of all of this.<p>Way to go!<p>DRS

dani---<p>Sounds like a revelation for you, and your right...you can't MAKE her do a thing...<p>One other thing, too---she did not have any commitment to you. She did not take a vow to be faithful, to honor or to love you...<p>So you can't expect her to do anything that would be helpful to YOU...<p>Glad to hear you got it...it's strength and it's growth and that's good.<p>E

Thanks...it's amazing how it feels when you finally GET something. I can't control H and I can't control OW. I can only control myself. I can improve myself, and if that helps H choose to stay with me, that will be great. It will not be good if he doesn't, but I will live through it.<p>I can't change H either, and I realize that I don't even want to...what good would it do if I made him be something he's not? I love him like he is and, despite everything, I always have.<p>I had stopped caring about anything for the past several years. Now, at least, I know that I care again. I don't like the way I found out, but I like the fact that I care about my life now.

dani,<p>Thanks for your positive post. I can say that before I found the MB site I was in withdrawl in my R because my W is in an EA and it was the easiest most natural thing for me to do to protect myself. Since finding the MB site, I am now empowered with new knowledge that I haven't ever had. I understand the feeling you are getting about getting it. It's like when you realize there is a different way that will work, hope is revived. I am now actively working on myself, rather than trying to change my W. It isn't the natural thing to do for me, but now I feel good about doing things a new way, the MB way.<p>Best wishes