Can you help me understand somethings? My wife and I are trying to work through marriage struggles and in the process have uncovered some things I cannot understand. She had told me early in our relationship that she had dated mainly older guys. I was under the impression that they were 2 or 3 years older than her. Come to find out when she was 17 she was dating and having sex with guys who were 24-28. <p>Can you help me understand what is going on for a girl to desire this? Where can I look for insight and understanding? I just do not think this is normal and wonder what was going on in her mind, in the home, etc. that would lead a girl to pursue relationships such as this.<p>Are their daughter/father issues?<p>What is going on here?

itsworthit,<p>I don't think your W dating older guys is that unusual. Also I think it is within a "healthy" range since none of them are old enough to be her father but I'm not a Psychologist either.<p>My experience tells me that women look for someone who would be a good father and provider that expresses love for them, and their father may be the example. Most boys mature slower than woman, so they aren't the responsible types. She may have seen these attributes in these older males, and they may have been more self confident, another magnet.<p>Hope this helps

I'd just say a younger girl that goes out with older men enjoys having a man that has more experience, knows how to treat a girl to make her feel desired, is sexually experienced, has abit more money (usually).
One of my first sexual boyfriends was quit abit older than I was. (I know I was very young :eek [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
But I must admit these were the things I enjoyed about him. He made me feel beautiful and he treated me like a woman. He was very patient and didn't push me.
I did marry a man that is 3 years older so this isn't a big age difference, but when I think back I did learn alot from this older guy.
BB

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

My WW's OM is 10 years older as well. I just do not get that. WW is 27 and OM is 37. To me this large of age discrpency is a great incompatability problem. That is one reason why I am encourage that her EA/PA will die.<p>My wife's father was an alcoholic and very abusive to her mother and her. Her parents divorced early on, and my WW was very embarassed about her father. IMHO: I think one of the reasons her EA started with OM because she saw the OM like a father figure. She respected what he had to see and she longed for this figure in her life. She used the OM to talk about life challenges and to get an opinion about things in her life.<p>Does your wife have a healthy relationship with her father? I would ask about her relationship with her father, but I would shy away from mentioning that this is why she likes older men.

My H is 16 years older than me. It was just two weeks past my 18th birthday when we were married. I can tell you what I found attractive in him. Before I met and married my husband in a whirlwind courtship I dated another boy for three years who was the same age as me. He was very skinny, no definition to his chest, typical teenage boy. Our parents both thought we were to young to seriously date so I didn’t get to go out with him very often, only on special occasions. When we both reached the age of 17 our parents gave us their blessing to officially date. But we didn’t we were friends that liked each other but we were both kids playing at being grown up, neither one-stepping up to the plate to be serious about the other. <p>Than I met my husband. He was a big attractive construction worker, very physical and in very good shape. He was also very mature and confident in himself. He had his own house. He wasn’t at all wealthy but he made a good living. In short he was a real grown-up. He was also extremely kind. Six months after I met him, to the day, I married him. That was 11 years ago and despite all of our problems, read my history I cheated on him, I don’t ever regret marrying him. <p>I think for me when I was ready to marry so many of the boys my age, or even a couple of years older than me, were still into partying and having a good time. I’m more of a homebody, I wanted to settle down and have a couple of kids. Heck when I was 16 my dream car was a mini-van. The man I married had, and still has, the same goals, desires, and moral thinking as I do. Like I said we’ve been married for 11 years, marriage is hard, there are so many reasons why people have problems, money, racial differences, moral values, family, children, age, etc… I can’t say that in my case they age has ever been one of them. <p>I used to think that as I got older the men I found attractive would get younger so that eventually I would find men my own age attractive. Not so, the men I admire now are in the 40 to 50-age range. The only thing I can say is that I like how their life experiences have molded them and I find that maturity attractive. My husband at age 45 is still one of the most attractive men I know.

if you dont mind a FWW'S point of view. My xom was 20 plus years older than me, it was because he knew how to treat me and yes in some ways protective like a father would be as wierd as that sounds.. I think he also knew why I was hurting and he had learned through his many years what women want and how to meet the needs someone else.. in my case my husband wasnt meeting.
However, I would guess I was meeting needs for him as well. after all must have been nice to take a woman half your age out town with your buddies... kinda good for the ego I would guess.
However in time, we learn it isnt as grand as we thought.. and frankly feel just a wee bit used.

Mom of Five,<p>I regret to this day not meeting my wife's EN's. She holds my opinions in high esteem, even more than the OM. I just was not there for her when she needed me the most. I really hate myself for that. I was so wrapped up in meeting my son's needs and work, I left no time for her. Live and learn I guess. Brings big tears to my eyes just thinking about it. If only.......

Thanks for all of your responses thus far. We seem to have failed to communicate very well through the years and are now sorting through the mess. There is a reason I am asking about her interest in older guys. I think that usually the real issues are not the obvious problems. Usually the obvious problems are symptoms of deeper or hidden "stuff". <p>For me personally, I do not think it is at all "ordinary or normal" for a 17 year old to be desiring and pursuing a 28 year old. I don't know but it feels to me like there must be some hidden issues there. It does not seem that she was particularly mature, therefore just prefering the company of people more on her level.<p>By the way, I do think the past has a great deal to do with the present. Why we did things then is likely to have some influence on why we do things now. Events in the past may be just bad choices, irrelevant, etc., or the MAY be clues to what is happening in the present.<p>I really don't know, just looking for pieces of the puzzle. Thanks again.<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: itsworthit ]</p>

dreamland..
WE cant change the past only the future H and I have started learning to meet each others needs.
He cant change his past and I cant change mine now that I have one.
but we all want to. I have learned not to be as critical of my husband as I was before. and he has learned I have a function besides, making sure the bills are paid and the kids are fed and clothed. <p> itsworthit,
I too had a an experience such as your wife, But I believe now because my father died when I was such a young age, I wanted to feel that closeness,and that secure feeling, when I was fourteen and he was 28, it was not normal, I believe he molested me now, my gosh what would a man that age have to do with someone as young as I was.. But in my fourteen year old mine, He loved me.
I cant say that had anything to do with why I fell for a man so much older that me. But YOU would have to wonder.<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: mom of five ]</p>

Mom of five,
thanks, I think your post reveals what I am wondering about. In your experience, it would seem that your actions were an attempt to meet an unconscious need. You have also very likely identified the need as the loss of your father. I see that and understand it. In my wifes case, I just don't know what is there.<p>She acts like it was a perfectly normal thing. The guy was about to graduate from Med school and she was a junior in high school. It seems normal to her and outrageous to me. Are we just that different? Or is there something more here?

I dont know how old your wife is but maybe she was just flattered.. I dont know, I do believe I just wanted that attention and craved it since my father had died, But is was not normal he was a sick person and to this day I know he has two daughters and I worry about them.. because I think he would hurt them to.
I am not really sure why I fell for someone in his 50's I am in my 30's But I believe part of me was seeking that same safe feeling that I had years ago with my dad. I dont mean the sexual part of it.. I think that was there because he wasnt my dad and there would be a reason for us to be around each other. I probably dont make much sense but I feel this is the case in my situation.. I do however find that the age difference really didnt matter to us at the age we are now.. I dont think much about it.
My suggestion is bring it up in therapy.

All of the above and something very obvious. An older man will usually treat a younger woman as a real prize. So he spoils her, pampers her, etc. It can be quite an ego booster to the woman.<p>While a same age parter will treat her as, well more an equal

Well, when I was 17, I wanted to be 25...what I considered to be a nice, mature age. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Dating an older guy can make a young girl feel the ILLUSION that she is somehow older and more sophisticated.<p>Also, it's true that girls mature faster than boys, so that may have something to do with the desire to be "25".<p>I think, though, as people age and actually become more mature, a 10-year age difference doesn't seem as great as it does when one of the parties is really young. For example, the difference between 35 and 45 doesn't seem as great as the difference between 17 and 27.