All,<p>I&#8217;m struggling with the SF, one of my H&#8217;s top needs. Soon after D-Day, I was very anxious to fulfill this need for him, to provide what had been completely absent from our marriage for several months. Now, almost 2 months later, my interest is waning and my feelings toward providing this need have changed. I&#8217;m really starting to feel inadequate. My H and I have had many conversations regarding his need for SF. It turns out that I never really completely fulfilled him in our 5 years of marriage, he was just making do. Other stressful events in our lives ( H&#8217;s unemployment, serious injuries, financial stresses) contributed to his decision to go outside our marriage for this fulfillment he wasn&#8217;t getting from me. No excuse, that&#8217;s just where his head was at&#8230;&#8230;..<p>Ok, that&#8217;s how we got here&#8230;now what do I do? I feel like I&#8217;m being measured against an impossible standard. I&#8217;ve never been very sexually experienced. In fact, in one of our latest MC session, my H said he knew I was fairly naïve/inexperienced when it came to sex. I agree with him, I just never thought about it as being a handicap for me, until recently that is&#8230;.. I asked him why he would marry me if he knew I was so inexperienced and couldn&#8217;t provide all the &#8220;bells and whistles&#8221; that a more experienced woman could. He responded that there were more things he wanted in a wife than a sexual dynamo and that he thought we could grow into new experiences together. Well, needless to say, I didn&#8217;t grow into any new experiences. It wasn&#8217;t a priority for me and I didn&#8217;t realize what a priority it was for him. As you can tell, my H and I didn&#8217;t communicate very well&#8230;<p>Here&#8217;s my question: How long will I feel like I&#8217;m on stage performing, trying to &#8220;measure up&#8221;? It has begun to sink in ( that the OW has something over on me ) and it&#8217;s affecting my willingness to meet my H&#8217;s SF. I&#8217;ve told him about my feelings and he continues to try to convince me that when he&#8217;s with me, it&#8217;s different than with the OW, that it&#8217;s deeper and more profound than with OW. I hear what he&#8217;s saying, but I still want to truly fulfill him. Is that shallow of me to want my H to have the bells and whistles?<p>How can I get past this feeling of feeling inadequate sexually? Is anyone else experiencing the same feelings?

The best way to get over feelings of inadequacy is to replace them with feelings of adequacy. Wait -- I'm not being flip. You feel inadequate in the sex department, so do your homework and practice practice practice, and you'll develop new skills. It's like so many other things that we don't really like doing because there are so many unknowns. It's sort of like visiting a foreign country. A lot of people prefer an all-inclusive resort, where they don't have to deal with the foreign language, foreign culture, etc. But experienced travellers know the tricks for feeling comfortable in a foreign place. They've read about it, studied, talked to people. Well, consider sex a foreign country you plan to know and love. (Can you tell I'm a foreign travel fanatic?)
How? Read some good books. Start out trying new things you're comfortable with. Baby steps. As long as you're moving forward, you're doing fine. But always keep your mind open. Keep looking for ways to surprise your husband. They don't have to be elaborate -- just small surprises to show him that you desire him sexually and you never want him not to stop desiring you.
Finally (and I know this one is tough), do whatever you can to ENJOY these explorations yourself. Because if it's just something you do for him and not for both of you, it will never work. Look for things you enjoy, try new things you might enjoy. You won't like some of the new things. Don't do them again. You'll like some of them. Do those more. But the more you work to increase your pleasure in sex, the more comfortable you'll feel trying new things, which will lead to feelings of adequacy or even -- dare I say it? -- proficiency. And a more satisfying relationship for both of you.
Good luck . . . and have fun!!

Hi! <p>Thought I would write a reply since there hasn't been any responses to your post yet.<p>Firstly, let me say that I don't have any experience with my W having an affair, so I may not be the best source of guidance. However, as we are struggling with sexual intimacy, maybe that counts for something.<p>Firstly, I don't think sex is all about "bells and whistles". I mean they can help, but I think great sex is all about a strong, emotional, intimate expression of love between an H and W. At least, it is for me, and I think also for your H.<p>For a start, there are a lot of books on intimacy out there that can be very informative (its truly amazing). David Schnarch's "The Passionate Marriage" is quite highly recommended as a good starting point. I have read it and its pretty good, although it can be a little theoretical at times. You can find it at Amazon.com.<p>I would also really focus on finding some good books that will help you explore your own sexuality, provide you with some tools to gain some confidence in the bedroom and re-ignite the spark with your H. Once you have established this, then by all means you can do further research and try experimenting with lots of "bells and whistles". <p>But in my book (pun intended), by being comfortable with yourself, by being confident and knowing what you want, by opening up to your H and focussing on sharing your love through that intimate bond with him, believe me, you won't need any bells or whistles. <p>Finally, bear in mind that it might take some time to reestablish this connection if the both of you are recoving from an affair, but I have to commend you for the steps you have taken so far. <p>Good luck!

Heh - someone can type faster than I can!

First, I second the suggestion to read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch right away. The insights he shares are a vital key to unlocking your sexual potential and the potential of your M.<p>www.passionatemarriage.com<p>Secondly, you can start right away focusing on your own sexual feelings and exploring those. Most of us have inhibitions about sex and during sex. I think the first step is casting those aside. Let your sexual self out all the way. Expose every bit of that part of yourself to your H. Feel the fear and do it anyway. The first step to "adequacy" is comfort with exposing yourself and your sexuality. Let out anything you've been keeping in a cage.<p>Then, once you're ready to be real and not inhibited or constrained, talk to your H about what he likes, and I mean specifics with demonstrations. Think of the eye doctor examining your eyes: Which is better--this or this? It will help you zero in on what he enjoys most. Be open with him as well. Show him what works best for you. Keep the dialogue open. We had the most success with talking about it afterward: When I did this that way, was that better than the other way? Did I do this or that long enough? Anyway, you get the idea.

Thanks all for your thoughtful replies. Amazon is processsing my order as we speak. Great reccomendations! I just have to keep reminding myself...tiny steps..<p>Thanks again