In another thread, "Pepperband" asked me "DJW ... I am curious. What have you learned about yourself throughout this ordeal? Have you learned something about your own strengths? Your weaknesses? What are you gaining by this process?" I hadn't really even sat down to think about that and I thought it was an interesting question that deserves its own thread. So, to steal Pepper's question, here's my very long answer.<p>I've learned that I love my W more than I ever imagined. While I never thought something like this could happen, I knew if it did, there would be no doubt I wouldn't have any interest in trying to save the M. I can't believe I can still love and care for her so much after all that's taken place and I think this has shown me what the definition of unconditional love is. <p>I've also learned not to take your spouse for granted and not to get stuck in a rut when your life is so great and comfortable. You really need to let your spouse know how much they mean to you and the two of you always have to make, and take, the time to focus on each other and not let the everyday hubbub of life get in the way of that. I always thought my actions spoke louder than words and I knew how much I loved her and knew my actions showed her this as well. However, I realize I also should have shown it more through words and the little things in life as well.<p>I've also learned that I'm a very independent person and I don't want my W back because I'm afraid to be alone or because I don't think I can take care of the kids, the house or any financial situation by myself. I realize I can cope just fine without my W when it comes to those issues...or really any other. With me it all comes down to how much I love and care for her and how she's my best friend in the entire world and has been for over 22 years and I really miss seeing her happy, sad, excited, frustrated. I miss being there for her when she&#8217;s having a bad day and to just sit and listen to her problems and be able to cheer her up. I miss seeing her when I go to sleep at night and I waking up to her in the mornings. I miss the talks we used to have, the laughter we shared and how much we loved doing the same types of things and I really miss the family moments we shared with our kids.<p>Something else I&#8217;ve learned is that I realize I gave my heart and soul completely to her, knowing that I could trust her as much as I could myself. While it&#8217;s good to have complete confidence in someone, it&#8217;s a double-edged sword that can cut you much deeper than you ever thought possible when it turns on you. Once you&#8217;ve felt the pain that&#8217;s inflicted when you&#8217;re betrayed by this individual, I don&#8217;t think you can ever really give completely of yourself again, the way you did with that individual. I don&#8217;t know that I can ever trust anyone in that way as long as I live and I will need to learn how to trust someone even close to the way I trusted my W.<p>I've also learned how great people can be. I went on a Caribbean Cruise (my W wouldn't come with) and met so many people who went out of their way to include me in what they were doing and to just sit and talk about my situation and everything else in general. I've talked with people through this site and others who've been so helpful and who've also gone out of their way to be there for me. I've learned how much friends and family care and will do anything for you too. In short, I never would have imagined people could be so kind, caring and helpful.<p>About my weaknesses; I've learned I needed to become more extroverted and done a number of things to move myself in that direction and this is something I&#8217;m working to improve on a daily basis. I think when I was with my W, I always felt she was all I needed and I didn't care to socialize as much with others as I should have. This ordeal has awakened me to the realization that I need to be more social and to be more spontaneous in life.<p>I've also learned that although I've always been really easy going, maybe too much so, that I can't nag about little things. I'd always tell my wife she drove too fast, spent too much money on lunches, etc... and she'd get upset and say, "be quiet, you're not my father". I need to let the little things go and just sit back and enjoy life. Another thing I learned is that when you have something like this happen to you, you make mistakes in trying to work through the problems and to get your wife to realize what she is giving up. You don&#8217;t always think rationally because you have such deep feelings and want nothing more in life than for that person to come back. I&#8217;ve learned sometimes you need to take a step back and not react to situations that are bothering you, no matter how deeply you hurt. I know I&#8217;ve made mistakes that have driven my wife further away from me and it&#8217;s so sad to see she doesn&#8217;t feel she can trust me, when I&#8217;ve lived my entire life with her in a way that exemplifies the very definition of the word &#8220;trust&#8221;. I guess when someone is going through what my W is, they lose perspective and become cynical and paranoid and somehow think the person who loves and cares for them more than anyone in the world is suddenly out to harm them. In the end, that breaks my heart as much as anything.<p>To summarize, I know I was and still am a great husband and father. I know the affair isn't due to any faults of mine and my W should have come to me and said there were problems instead of telling my how happy she was with me and how much she loved me...if she truly was unhappy. I know that even though she doesn&#8217;t love me any longer, she once did&#8230;and could again&#8230;if only she&#8217;d want to work at developing those feelings for me again. However, even though I always lived my life doing what I thought was best for my W and kids and always made their happiness my #1 priority in life, I know there were things I could have done to make our M much better. It's funny how you don't always see that until something like this happens and I hope & pray I get the opportunity to make our M work at some point in the future and show my W how much happier our M can be. Last but not least, I want the opportunity to show our children that when the going gets rough, you don&#8217;t give up and bail out on something. Especially something as strong as a M. I want to be a role model for our children in seeing how a relationship should exist and to see that you do everything you can to keep a family happy and together. I want them to see that you don&#8217;t give up on a M when something more exciting comes along in life and trust and commitment mean something&#8230;even in today&#8217;s times. Even if I don't get that opportunity to keep our M alive, I've learned things and made changes that WILL make be a stronger, better, happier person in the future...whether I'm alone or with someone else.

(((DJW)))<p>I'll be answering my own question a bit later when I have more time ... meanwhile ... YOU have a great day!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>P.S.<p>GO LAKERS! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

TODAY is our 21st anniversary! And we are HAPPY! And we are in love!<p>Things this process taught me about myself (in no particular order)<p>I have the capacity for unbridled RAGE!<p>I have the capacity to FORGIVE what I never thought I would be able to forgive.<p>I was more prideful in my marriage than my WS.<p>I gained nothing (and betrayed MYSELF) by being a "trooper" and tolerating situations I should have spoken up about.<p>I can take a walk and soothe myself whenever I think I'm going to "lose it".<p>I value my integrity, and I needed to define my integrity to myself.<p>I LOVE being married.<p>I almost let the "good one" get away by not paying attention.<p>Happy Anniversary to us !!!!!!!!!!!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 16, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

I learned that my gut feelings are RIGHT ON and will never, ever, ever ignore them again! I used to place gut feelings in the same category as superstition but have learned the hard way that they do have their place. That does not mean that I will BLINDLY trust them, only that I will heed them and investigate to validate or discount them. <p>I will never ever blindly trust a person again. <p>I will never ever have the same faith in mankind that I had before. I have been exposed to some horribly sleazy, amoral people in this venture. <p>I will never ever feel guilty about snooping on someone when I have just cause.

Boy, I've learned a lot. But I've got a lot yet to learn.<p>I've learned that gut feelings really are important for me to pay attention to. They've explained a lot of the past 12 years to me. And although I need more explanations (maybe because I need ALL the puzzle pieces), the answers are both satisfying and depressing me at the same time.<p>I've realized that I blindly trusted my W, and that is why I was so devastated by the news of her As. <p>I've learned that honesty and integrity are so important to me that I may not be willing to take the chance of compromising them again. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>I've learned that I can love my W and be indifferent to her at the same time. Very weird feleling.<p>I've learned that I have a tendency to focus on a thing and ignore nearly everything else around me while I work on that thing. I used to think that this was good, that I'm putting all this energy into our M. But now I realize that working so hard to save our M unilaterally is detracting too much from saving myself. I'm doing okay there, but I've been wasting time with the M waiting for my W to START working on the M. And that's making me feel like I don't care, and I don't like me like that.<p>I've learned that my W really is NOT the same person she was before the A, and that we all change. But I disagree with her opinion that this person I thought I knew no longer exists. I wish I could remember the poster that said "go out and find my W that I knew before, and when you do, tell her to come home." I will be wating with open arms for her. I would add, "and don't let her bring this version back with her" but that would be a LB, for sure.<p>I've learned that I can go for weeks at a time without LBing. I've also learned that it gets harder not to WANT to LB with time. <p>I've learned, most important of all, that we're all pretty predictable creatures. This has been the most surprising revelation to me in this whole "rebuilding" process. I keep telling my W this all the time, but she doesn't believe me. Then she'll say or do something that's similar to what all WSs do, and it's all I can do not to point that out to her (another LB). So I keep the laughter and/or the tears, inside <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> Yet again. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

I've learned that I cause most of my own problems.<p>Just when I think I have most of my weaknesses taken care of, I find another one. <p>I have a great capacity to improve myself [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My needs were quite different than I origionally thought. <p>Filling my W's needs gets lots easier every month as I make these things into habits.<p>When I admit I have a problem, it's easier to fix. <p>I can't change my wife, but when I change myself for the better, she reacts favorably.

Beautifully written, DJW.<p>This inspires me to write a letter expressing all of this to my H. I think that letting him know the good that has come from this would be a good thing right now, at least for me. He is going through the "dumped by OW" depression and is feeling really remorseful for what he did to me and our M. I think it would be good to show him the good that has come from all of this, that's it's not such a terrible thing in some ways.<p>Anyone agree with me at this point?