I don't know what kind of letter this is, if I should even give it to him. Please review with your comments and suggestions. I really love my husband and want to be back together. I am trying to have "tough love" but want him know I still love him, but not be a doormat. I just can't live in limbo anymore. For those of you who don't know my history, here is an overview before the letter (he left over 15months ago to live with OW), also should I copy OW, but I know that will make him very, very, very angry.<p>2/01 H moved out and said he wanted divorce and moved out, would not tell me where he went.
3/01 Found out he had moved in with OW he worked with.
3/01 Later that month he filed for divorce, but I never rec'd papers (but it was listed in the court records of the newspaper).
6/01 to present: H says he doesn't know what to do.
8/01: H started to move some of his things back, but was too upset to leave OW and could not go through it.
3/02 Divorce case was dropped out of the courts due to inactivity (he never gave me papers).
Still says he doesn't know what to do.
Advice from his mom, "Do whatever makes you happy". He takes 3 steps back after he gets "advice" from her. (His parents divorced after a 25year message due to a divorce, so she says it will never work after an affair)
Like I said, he still says "he doesn't know".
Since then, OW got a different job so they do not work together anymore. H also does not work for that company. Ran into an ex-coworker who said that everyone thought he was divorced. (he said he always had court appts, and was blaming why it was taking so long on me, saying I was dragging my feet). Since they all think he was divorced, it could very well be possible that OW thinks we are divorced as well. I am sure that was a major issue in their "arrangement", so he probably just told her we were divorced (even though he is still paying half of the mortgage here and alot of his stuff is here, he never moved any furniture or anything).
Had been plan A'ing it for most of time until a month ago. I am now trying my best at Plan B!! But if OW thinks we are divorced, she won't have anything to fight about and hopefully "show her true colors". He says he can think clearly there and can make a decision. He did tell me that he misses me, but gets angry if I want to pursue any type of conversation about "us". Is it possible for affairs to end when he has been living with OW for 15 months? <p>
My letter:<p>Dear H,<p>This is definitely a hard letter to write. I know I have written you a few letters in the past, but this is different. H, you are the love of my life, and I thought I was yours. I thought that we would be together, forever. As we sat through pre-marital counseling, we both told the pastor that we did not want to repeat our parents&#8217; marriages. Although you may not think so now, reconciliation is possible, but that&#8217;s up to you. I cannot do it alone while you are still with OW. It&#8217;s weird how one loses all perspective when they are so close to the problem and how difficult it is to see the issues clearly. Well, I have tried to step back for the past month and try to look at things more clearly. I have tolerated your unfaithfulness for 15 months now, knowing every night, I go to our bed alone, while you are sharing a bed with OW. However, I still love you.
I don&#8217;t know what is true anymore, was our past few years before all this just a lie. Will I ever wake up from this nightmare?? In my heart I just want it to be a bad dream, but my head is telling me it is for real. Well, I guess I have chosen to wake up from that nightmare, and realize I am nobody to you. I used to be that one special person in your life that you pledged forever to, but have chosen to leave me behind in a crowd. I can&#8217;t live like this anymore, either I am your wife or I am nobody to you. That is your decision.
I have had my faults as a wife, however I am willing to work on those. I am commited to you, but cannot pursue the future of our marriage without you, that&#8217;s why I am releasing you to your choice.
I love you, with my entire heart and soul, and we made a commitment before God, our family, and friends. We promised to love each other, for better or for worse. I am still keeping that promise to you. However, I have been told that true love really sets people free. It&#8217;s not something I want to do, but have to do.
Please search your heart, you told me you missed me the other day, it is not too late. I hope you desire to rebuild our marriage. If you do, I am willing to accept my responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage. I know a lot of things now that I wish I had know before, I took you for granted, and did not treat you like you deserve to be treated, you are a wonderful person inside. Even in light of what has happened, I still see the man I married and love deep inside of you. I didn&#8217;t think you would ever leave me, you told me so many times that you would never leave me, you still don&#8217;t have to. I believe that what breaks us down only makes us stronger. You will have my total commitment, I hope and pray I have yours.
We do not have to repeat our parents&#8217; marriages and divorces, this is our marriage and ours only. I know that you have said that there are a lot of &#8220;variables&#8221; you are dealing with and that family is one. You and I are both adults and are capable of making our own decisions. When we married, we left our parents, and became one, and I still feel you everyday, every minute in my heart and soul.
But if you ultimately choose to leave, I can at least know that I tried to the end. I can look back and know that I was willing to work through this, I hope you can base your decision on no regrets. It is your decision and the only influence I have on it is the promise I made to you almost 5 years ago on our wedding day. If you decide to leave, I wish you the best, and will try my best to remove you from my heart and soul.
Please, search your heart, knowing I was once part of it, and make a decision if you want to remove me from it permanently. I ask that you make this decision in the very near future, I will not contact you in the meantime unless it is an emergency.<p>Love,
W

The letter sounds like you have thought it out as best as you could. You are ready to go to plan B?<p>If you are then the letter is in the right format. <p>JMHO,
L.

Going Crazy,<p>I was able to read the whole letter, but don't have time to respond adequately. My first impression is that it is too long, you're trying to educate too much, too much reassurance that you'll always be there for him, things like that. I'm afraid it will be too much, too complex, and he'll just tune it out. I think you can get much more mileage about of something short, simple, direct, concise.<p>Somewhere on here is my good-bye letter to my H that prompted his desire to return home. I had help from a counselor at DB in drafting it. I'll try to find it and add a link to it.<p>The other point I wanted to make in the short time I have right now is that Plan B is no contact, so if you've been having contact, you're not in Plan B. If you want to go to Plan B, your best bet is to follow the model Plan B letter in SAA, adjusting it to fit where necessary.<p>Found the link:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016146<p>The counselor had me keep it simple and focused on my feelings, my regrets, what I had done wrong, and what he had done right. It was to provide closure for me while letting him know he MIGHT have a chance if he pursued me again like he did before. I had not found MB or SAA yet, so didn't have the Plan B letter format to follow, plus at that point I had no confirmation of an A, so the Plan B letter wouldn't have really applied anyway.<p>Anyway, that's just to give you some ideas. Not trying to be critical--just to help you leave the impression you want to leave with the greatest impact. It's normal to go through several drafts as you figure it out.<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Orchid: I think Plan A isn't even an option anymore, he is not even here. What do you think?<p>Conqueror: Not for sure what to do, he has been telling me for the last year that he doesn't know what he wants.<p>
Help!!

any more reviewers out there for me, please??

sounds like you are trying to push him for a decision?<p>hmmm... what do you think about ending it more like this: (take out the "decision" verbage - basically most of the last 2 paragraphs. Leave in anything that expresses your love for him.)<p>"I can not contact you anymore while OW is still in your life. It is too painful, and I need to preserve the love I have left for you. I am here if you have an emergency and need to contact me, but otherwise, please respect my request for no contact while OW is in your life. <p>Please know that I believe that we can seek a plan that we are both comfortable with, in order to restore our marriage, and make it stronger and more rewarding for both of us."<p>something like that? What do you think?<p>Other than that, I think the letter is ok.<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Faith1 - thanks for the response, do you think a copy of this should go to OW? I have scheduled an appointment with Steve H next week to help me do what I need to do!

I agree with Conquerer that the letter probably needs to be simplified. I think it will be too difficult for him to get the right message. <p>Unfortunately, I'm to early into this to make any specific recommendations, but I'm glad to see you are going to talk with Steve Harley since this is such a big issue. <p>Best Wishes.

Ok, now, I got in my car, turned on the radio, and heard "Be STill" by Rebecca St. James. I just keep praying, what should I do? Now, I can't get the song out of my head!! Maybe God is trying to tell me something?? I think I am going to hold off on the letter until I talk to Steve, today my H told me that he still has alot of feelings for me but "issues to work out", he is driving me absolutely insane!!!!!!!

I have to say I'm glad you are going to wait on the letter. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Yay Rebecca St. James!!!<p>Amazing what we hear when we are quiet and listen... there's another thread by nikko going right now about animals... <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>How is your Love bank? Are you ok in Plan A for a little longer? It's ok to have these episodes... I'm glad you are going to talk to Steve H. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Try not to let the roller coaster take you up and down, k? buckle in and expect those hills and curves...

gotta have faith, right Faith1.
Oh yea, definite roller coaster, how come we never get this long of a ride at an amusement park!!!<p>By the way, my Love Bank filled up a little bit today when he told me he still has feelings. I know it sounds really crazy, and people probably think that I am absolutely insane, but I know the man I married, not who he is now, I still love him, and sometimes I think that he thinks that he has dug himself into a hole so much that he doesn't think he can crawl out of it!!! He's not in a hole, he's in outer space, abducted by aliens!!! (I read that one here)<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</p>