Hello all. I'm new to writing here but have been reading posts for nearly a year and can relate to so many of you. I'm writing for support, and here (isn't it hard to summarize?) is my story: My H told me he wanted a divorce during an insignificant argument and said he was going to go back to being the a--hole he was before we met (he was a substance abuser who got clean when we met). Started going out drinking with his brother who was in town for an extended visit. Then started living like he was single. I attempted to try to resolve things with him but he's great at holding grudges for long periods and was hostile whenever I tried to talk about trying to resolve our issues. Several months into this I discovered he was calling an old girlfriend from some 25 years ago (possibly newly divorced?). She lives far away and I don't think they've seen each other, although he could have taken the opportunity to do so). He's basically been cold and distant to me since then but remains engaged with the kids. He bought a multi-family house as an investment without my consent or involvement and spends lots of time working on it. That was a real slap in the face for me. He periodically gets nice, but any discussion about our relationship turns sour because he doesn't want to take the blame for anything. Our main issue has been SF, and I admit that I have been negligent in that area, usually for an extended period after each child was born, but also whenever he starts demanding it (I was sexually abused twice as a child). I have tried, in the past year, to explain how difficult it is for me when he demands it instead of inspires it, but to no avail. He cheated on me twice before in our marriage during periods when there has been no SF for him. After both times, he begged my forgiveness and tried hard in the marriage, but he is very immature emotionally: can't handle conflict of any kind and takes a difference of opinion as a personal insult. Anyway, I did Plan A for about 7 months (not entirely without LBs but pretty darn close) and gave him a Plan B letter about a month ago. He gets a little nicer when his back is pushed against the wall but then reverts to single living. I don't know if a local A is going on because I've made it a point this time not to snoop, spy or do anything else that would make me lose my own dignity. He can easily move out to his other house but stays home, sometimes saying it is for the kids' sake, sometimes saying it is because he still loves me. But I'm now at the end of my rope. My problem is that I can't seem to tell him he has to be out by a certain date because I know that me and the kids will be heartbroken. But at the same time, I don't feel I can continue on feeling so unloved and neglected. It's been too long. Every once in awhile, such as on our wedding anniversary two days ago, he'll talk about how sad our situation is, but when I talk about the pain he's caused me, he immediately clams up or gets hostile. It's like he wants me to take all the blame. The fact is, he is very emotionally volatile, and my sense is that he has probably cheated again and can't bear to face that issue again with me. What's next is the big question for me. Every once in awhile I feel I'm falling out of love with him, but when I think about not having him in my life, it hurts. HELP!!!

Musica - <p>After reading your post a couple of things came to mind.<p>First, make sure you have a good support system in place - friends, family, counselor, church group etc. so that you can have others to turn to during this time.<p>Now, this is my 2 cents:<p>I would make sure that you are financially protected. This doesn't mean you have to take any legal action, but if you think your H is acting a little irresponsibly with the money then do what you need to protect yourself. It could mean making sure you have your own credit cards, maybe some extra money saved for emergencies etc. If it gets really bad, then you may have to ask the courts to step in.<p>I would also look to see if you feel that you have been emotionally or verbally abused by H in any way. If so, you may want to see a counselor.<p>Now, according to MB, time is on your side with H. As long as you are married there are still lots of things you can do. It also seems as if you may need to work on yourself and stop being so dependent upon H. A good book to get yourself going in How To Win Your Husband Back Before Its Too Late by Gary Smalley. There is also the book What One of You Can Do To Bring the Two of You Together by Susan Page. There are also the books Divorcebusting and Divorce Remedy by Michelle Werner-Davis that have some proactive things to do.<p>However, right now, as part of your Plan A- you should be working on changing yourself - the Gary Smnalley book is great at helping you prioritize your energies and helping you to work on you and the other books have strategies, but the bottom line is that you have to be comfortable and confident with yourself first.<p>Also, if you feel that your H is pretty hopeless, don't discount the power of prayer - The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omarian is a good book to let God work on your H for change. <p>The theory behind all of this is taht you become a person your H wants to be married to and then by filling his needs he'll want to fill yours. If however, there are other problems like a midlife crisis, depression, addiction, then those issues need to be addressed first and that is where prayer comes in so that H will want to address those issues.<p>If you are already in Plan B then you are not talking to H except about the children. However , it is still possible to do what some of the books I mentioned suggest. Plan B is to prepare you for divorce. It is also the perfect time to work on you. Sometimes you have to give your H to God and let Him work in his life. Focus on you and your children and not H for a while. <p>Remember that you can't plead or beg. You basically have to choose your course of action and stick with it. Divorce isn't fun, and I'd try to get myself stronger emotionally before I went down that road. That's where the counselor and working on yourself comes in.<p>Who knows. H may be inspired bu your changes and the new you. My WH acted like yours, and you just have to weather the storm. Take your life One Day at a Time so that you can get through life right now. K

God is in Control,<p>Thank you for your words of wisdom. I am struck by the fact that someone with your "name" was the first to respond to my very first post because I remind myself every day that God is in control!<p>I have, in fact, put my marriage and my husband in His hands, which is the thing that has saved me from the kind of pleading and begging that you talked about. I certainly did that in the first few months but have since then immediately turned to God in my desperate moments and have always gotten strength to avoid urges to plead with him. My H, in fact, has a long history of saying he wants a divorce when conflict arises, and my old habitual response was to cave in, take the blame for everything and beg him not to leave. Over time, I have become a much more confident person, and that kind of manipulation on his part no longer works with me.<p>I have been going to church for the past four months with my kids, and since it is a church my H introduced me to quite a few years ago when he was very committed to our marriage, he is glad we are going, occassionally curious about it, but so far shows no interest in going himself.<p>I do have a few close friends and family members who have been very supportive. I must say that most of them are very negative about my H and would like to see me move on without him. Ours has been a rocky relationship from the outset, though there have been some wonderful periods. But he can't seem to maintain commitment. As I mentioned, a difference of opinion is an "argument" to him, and he freely admits that he has no tolerance for arguments.<p>He has separated "his" bills and "mine." The house we live in is in my name only and I pay all expenses; the new house he bought is in his name only and he pays those expenses. Since last summer, he has maintained a separate bank account. He does provide financial support weekly and continues to do fix-ups in our home, albeit not with the same passion he used to. If there is any current substance abuse problem (I'm still trying to figure that out), it has not yet had an impact on his finances.<p>I haven't read the books you mentioned and am interested in the Smalley one for sure. I did read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough," which did prompt my Plan B letter. I have to admit that while most of our conversation is about the kids, his remaining in the home has made it less of a Plan B than I anticipated. On occasion, I ask him if he has made plans for his future and he tells me he's living day to day. Certainly looks like he's having his cake and eating it too, because he gets daily contact with the kids, the anchoring effect of still having me, and yet isn't accountable as far as his comings and goings. He is home every night at a reasonable hour but often will work overtime (firefighter).
I think he does whatever he can to not really think about what is happening. Is certainly in major denial about his role in it and, I think, about what it means for his future if we were to split up.<p>This has been one long spiritual journey for me, with major ups and downs, and oddly enough, my own sense of worth and my own confidence has actually increased through this process. There was a time when every unstable action on his part made me really question myself. In recent years I've learned to look at myself through my own eyes and not through his.<p>I know my kids have anxiety about the situation and I am trying to be the best mom I can be. I do worry about how our living so separately in the same house is affecting them, though, as well as what a negative outcome could have on their own faith. I try to remind them that God works everything out for the best, even though it may not feel that way as He is working. I try to remind myself of that daily too, but sometimes waver in my own faith.<p>I know my H is on the fence. I know deep down he knows that to leave would be a bad decision for him. But I think he's terrified of the work it would take to repair things, and the shame of admitting some of his own mistakes. Quite frankly, I don't think he's willing to admit them to himself right now. So when he says things like "Isn't it awful what a mess we've made," he's asking me to take most of the blame so that he can spare himself.<p>I feel very certain that a day will come when he'll regret all this, but I'm afraid it may come when it's all too late for me. I have been a very loyal wife to him.<p>I might add that there are other issues. He was diagnosed with Hep C and all this started when he was on some pretty heavy duty medication that can have psychological side effects. However, he's been off the meds (treatment unsuccessful) for several months now and those side effects should have dissipated (if in fact, any of this is related).<p>I am a very patient person, sometimes perhaps too patient. I think he thinks he can drag this out till he gets what he wants out of it (and has used this time "apart" to get/do certain things he knows I would have objected to when we lived as true partners. It feels like a long time ago.<p>I have definitely been the steady partner in this relationship for the most part, but I don't want a lifetime of this. He can be a very wonderful person, but whenever the going gets tough, he quits!<p>Sorry for my lack of brevity.