My H's OW broke it off with him 4 weeks ago today. My H started counseling the Friday after she broke it off with him and his counselor suggested he go into a "hibernation" period for a while from me and everyone. Well, last Friday he filed for divorce. He says that he is really disapointed in himself for what he did to our marriage and that he can't forgive himself for how much he hurt me. He made the statement last night of, "sometimes you have to completely tear something down in order to rebuild it" and that he still wants to be close friends with me and after the divorce go out some and get to become even better friends and see where the road takes us. As he puts it as well, "just because we are getting a divorce doesn't mean we can't get married again one day." Anyone can see how depressed and torn up he he really is. He even made the statement last night that he no longer had a soul left, and that he was doing this in part to punish himself to a possible life of loneliness for doing what he did.<p>I know, well I'm pretty certain the OW is out of the picture. It was just an EA and I know that they have talked a time or 2 since, because her H has became very ill and is in the hospital waiting a kidney transplant. He tells me every time they talk, and has given me his solid oath that he is not going to lie to me anymore that he was tired of the lies and wanted off that path. <p>At this point, what should I be doing? I don't want a divorce, but I can also see where he is wanting to put a closure on this part of our lives and work on rebuilding something new. He doesn't want me to go to court for the divorce, he says he is going to handle it all himself and I just have to sign some papers. So my other question is, is there a way to get a divorce dismissed? I can see how much he really does still love me, would it end up being a huge LB if I went to court and told the judge all of this? <p>I just don't know what to do at this point. I do still love him greatly and I have even told him that I forgive him for what he did, but like I said, his response to that was he can't forgive himself.<p>Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I am just having to go with the flow and if this helps him put closure to this chapter of our lives, then I'm all for it. I just want my husband to laugh again, I haven't heard that since March 15.

It is very early days and certainly NOT time for YOU to be doing anything to encourage divorce.<p>Last week I talked long and hard with my wife about her emotions since the affair ended. For the first few months, she had no belief that our marriage could be saved. As a result, it has been a long and painful road.<p>She tells me she is now "nurturing" warmer feelings and has high hopes ... although we still have a million miles to travel!<p>This may be how your husband feels. While you cannot change his actions, I suggest you tell him that:<p>1. You are there for him when he needs you.
2. The divorce papers should be put on hold for 12 months to give HIM time to recover.
3. You will give him space.<p>Plan A every day! He needs to deal with his guilt - quick divorce will only give him something else to feel guilty about. Don't go along with it until he has had a good year or longer to sort himself out!

Thanks, that is what I have been doing, so I guess I'm on the right path. I only contact him through email and let it be his decision to come around, and when he comes around, I make sure to meet all those important EN's. I don't want the D, but at the same time I don't want to get all down and dirty and turn this into a ugly situation. My family and friends are telling me to get my own lawyer and get this and get that from him and make him pay for my lawyer and to get alimony because he brought this all on himself, etc., etc. No one seems to understand that yes, he has hurt me, but for some reason I still really do love this man and I don't want to get that way with him. He is making an effort at still being friend and still wanting to see me. He says he has a hard time being around me because it hurts him too much, so I take what I can get and in the mean time do for me what I feel is right for me, mainly keeping myself busy. <p>I've always been someone who looked at life as the glass half full, not half empty, so I think that is what is keeping me going here lately.<p>Thanks for the reassuring words.

It sounds like he is sincerely remorseful. My H has a hard time accepting that I love him and still hasn't forgiven himself either. He still continues to ask for reassurance by asking, "do you love me?" or "do you forgive me?"<p>It's good that he's going for counselling, but I don't agree with his/her advice about going into hibernation. That's the last thing you would tell a depressed person. He might want to consider changing counsellors because the right one could really help turn things around.<p>It sounds like you're handling it the best you can. Let him know he's lovable any way you can (which will be a fine balance while you're still trying to give him space) and don't let him rush you into divorce.<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: roseyhue37 ]</p>

I am sorry for your pain. Keep doing what you are doing. <p>You husband hurts for your pain as well. It's something that a WS (who is truly remorseful) has a hard time facing. I would bet that right now he doesn't like himself. On top of that he is struggling with the fact that we are always told that if we can't forgive ourselves or like ourselves, then noone else can. I don't really believe this. Let him know that it's ok for him to feel this way, that you still like him and you believe in him. That you are here for him. It really helps to know it's ok to feel this way. <p>I'm speaking from experience. One day my husband and I had a talk about this. I was crying and he asked what was wrong. I told him that I don't really like myself, and I can't like myself until I know I have made him feel the way he should in our marriage. He said he doesn't know what to tell me. I looked at him crying and said that I just need to know it's ok to not like me. He gave me a gentle smile, reached out to me and said, "it is ok." Then he added, "but I still like you." It made a world of difference to me to hear those two statements from him.<p>I have to agree that a quick divorce will only give him something else to feel guilty about. Is he in couseling? Are you? Try to talk to him and suggest that the two of you try that route first. That you work through issues and troubles together. You talk to a couselor alone and/or together, and make an attempt at rebuilding this way first. That you work on yourselves and explore the depths of your marriage. That you put the divorce on hold for awhile while trying this route, and after this has been worked to it's ends, if he still wants a divorce then you can proceed with that route.<p>I wish you the best, and hope this helps some. Take care.

Ok, here's a self-esteem boost. I just did this for my hubby today (he really appreciated it). Give it a shot.<p>Do a little note, or whatever, that says "I love you from A - Z" and then write the alphabet vertically and next to each letter put something that starts with that letter.<p>Take care.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by thebetrayedone:
<strong>He doesn't want me to go to court for the divorce, he says he is going to handle it all himself and I just have to sign some papers.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>A divorce is something that you really shouldn't do without an attorney. I know you want this guy back, and I really hope you get what you want, but going into a courtroom without a lawyer representing you is a big mistake. My suggestion would be to let him do whatever he's going to do, but when he gives you papers to sign, tell him you'll think about it and give them back later. Have your attorney look them over before you sign them.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by thebetrayedone:
<strong>So my other question is, is there a way to get a divorce dismissed?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes there is. Normally the party that files can move to have the action dismissed and it'll be dropped. Depending on the state you live in, a divorce suit may be dropped after a period of inactivity.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by thebetrayedone:
<strong>I can see how much he really does still love me, would it end up being a huge LB if I went to court and told the judge all of this?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>If your divorce case progresses to the point where you go before a judge I doubt there would be anything at all to gain by explaining to the judge that the he really didn't mean it. Normally, appearing before the judge is the last thing that happens in a divorce and it's more of a formality than anything else. Unless there is something very unusual about your case the judge will look at the paperwork, ask a few questions of you, and sign. I live in a no-fault state, and I didn't even go before a judge. I just got a letter in the mail telling me that I'd been divorced a couple of days prior.<p>Please don't sign anything until you've had your own lawyer look at it.<p>As far as MB goes though, it sounds like you've got an excellent chance at recovering. He's remorseful, which is pretty rare around here. If you can keep your own LBs under control and show him what he'll be missing you stand a good chance at recovery.<p>Good luck!<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: o2bsane ]</p>