Im feeling pretty down right now. My WH is sooo in love w/OW (he didnt tell me this, i have my ways) He just knows their love is so strong that they can get through this. The sad thing is , thats what I say to him. They love each other so much and they arnt going to let anyone or anything get in their way. They need each other so badly. They are planning a trip.<p>He acts like he has to put up with me. This hurts so bad. Just when I thought he might be coming around. I have so much love for him and so much faith, but am I lieing to myself? I think hes going to file soon. Just smoothing things over with me so it wont get ulgy. I just wish he could find that love for me again. It hurts so bad that he feels that for someone else. I know everyone here has felt or is feeling the same way.<p>He came home at 9:00pm tonight from work! He gets off at 5:30. Our son is very sick and I had work and class, you would think he would be considerate enough to come home and take care of his sick baby. But he would rather spend the time with her. I dont know how many nights he came home late and our baby was already asleep, he never even got to spend time with him all day. And he trys to act like hes such a great father. He puts his son first. If he did, wouldnt he be here for him? No wonder my baby is so attached to me. I feel so bad for him, hes only 11 mos. His whole little life has all been lies. He has never been given a chance. My H doesnt see it that way. He thinks the OW would be a great mother for him. He thinks they can be a little family. On the video I found, he was calling her mommy and saying my son was her son. This was when my son was only 7 mos. How sick is that?? He is in such a fantasy land. If we do end up DV, im moving away. I dont want her near my baby. Ever.<p>not feeling good at all. could use some advise or cheering up.<p>am i wasting my love? is there hope?<p>thanks,
PI

p.s. i want to ask him if he wants a DV. ive asked him before and he said no, but i cant really believe him. plus hes telling ow they will be together soon. good or bad idea to ask?<p>PI

Dear PI,
I have an eleven month old son...and the thought of my husband video-taping him while calling some other woman mommy sent chills up my spine...<p>it is time to protect you and your children from him...
it is time to get a lawyer and educate yourself on what your rights are in your state...time to see if you live in a place where she can be accountable for emotional innerferance....(OK I may have made that word up...<p>The good news is that the greatest majority of affairs die a natural but ugly death...
the good news is that this is not over yet...but you must move to protect yourself...hoard evidence of abandonement..there is something fog-like sick in having an 11 month bond with a stranger as mommy...somewhat creepy..and confusing for the poor little guy....get that tape somewhere safe<p>Is he exposed to family/friends as he abandons his children??
Are you protecting him..and is it time to maybe let some of his behaviors out...
think it through as I am no champion of giving up...but you need to focus on you and the kids...<p>...reality bites hard when you ignore it...and perhaps they need a little taste of it..<p>be good to you..protect you and those kids NOW!!
Consider plan B seriously as you want to hold onto some type of love for him...but he needs to realize what he stands to lose...and it can be done in a caring and classy way...don't hand him any ammunition...be respectful...but don't let him string you along in his sick fantasy....<p>peace to you and your home....kiss that baby...
you can do this...you can be strong enough...
ARK

Hi ARK,<p>So you really think plan B is good for me right now? I have been in plan A for only 2 months.And let me tell you, it hasnt been alot of good plan Aing. At times I feel like I can handle this(mostly when hes being nice) and there are times when I just wish I didnt live here. If I do Plan B, do you think I should move far away? If I stay close, he will get to have his cake and eat it too(meaning, my son and her).<p>I think OW loves him but is not willing to wait forever? I get the feeling he is more into her than she is into him. She is very young, lives w/her parents, not ready to be an instant family, likes to party, likes to shop(and we know that that will mean if WH has to pay support).<p>I really dont know what my H wants. All I know is he is living a double life, he makes me feel like hes only here because he has to be, and I get the feeling hes waiting for something. <p>What should I do?<p>PI

PI,<p>I not am necessarily saying to go plan B but i am definately saying without hesitation to start to get your ducks lined up in a row and protect those children..<p>Remember that within plan A it really is ALL about you...you becoming that person worthy of respect and decency.<p>It must be the eleven month old connection but the thought of someone other than I being called mommy makes me nuts...and by my husband just creeps me out...<p>Not ever to capitalize on anyone elses pain..Terrified who posts often on this board and who really hasn't noticed yet has and is doing one he## of a plan A....she has remained non judgemental and supportive...but done things that claim her independence like changeing the locks....Her posts also hold great tips from others about what to say and come with when the fog alien speak is thick...as in get out the shovel...anf hoe to remain kind while in the face of adversity...<p>Search for a post probably two or three months ago about stupid things the WS said...lots of stuff there some funny, some sad..but it helps to know that others went through this to...<p>Your husband will continue to fence sit as long as he can...what is scarey and risky about this is that it can also give him time to plan to leave you....and if that is what he chooses to do that's one thing..but if that is based on him planning to take your child/dren from you than it's a whole new ball-game...and one you MUST prepare for....<p>Plan a and becoming strong can be different things...love must be tough is a book recommended here often by Dobson...you can continue to be warm and loving, open to him...while at the same time...reading a book such as that in plan view...or sometimes it's leaving a couple of cards from lawyers around..and being allusive about it...perhaps you need to have him watch the kids..and just go out..no explanation..no itinerary...I am not advocating head games as much as signs that you are a person who deserves straight honest answers...not through cohersion but because of you...and move towards becoming that person...<p>Perhaps on the weekend when he is planning on "playing" the super Dad role...pick up those kids and head out the door somewhere fun and wonderful....don't invite him and when he asks what/where you are going..remind him that since it appears to be OK for him to get off work at 5:30 pm and not come home till 9:00 pm with no explaination then surely he must think it is OK for you to have plans and not feel that he needs to know about them..."I mean I thought that's what you wanted..and while I would love you to be with this family I surely am not going to force you to have fun with us..." All said with a smile and dripping with kindness and big round eyes.....then out the door you sail...<p>There's even creepy tricks like cooking something slow in the oven all day that smells great....(and you can always fantasize about hitting him with the perverbial frying pan ....making the house a home...and all those warm memories..<p>I hate to make this post so long...and i hate to sound like I want you to play with his mind...but mostly I don't want you to get lost in his needing to find himself...it is a fantasy of the lies that he can leave his wife and children and start a new life where all is sweet and well....
And perhaps he needs to get little glimpses of what he giving up...<p>Who knows about his affair? and while not advocating telling the world...does his family know...do you cover for him...if so..consider stopping...it makes them crazy but you are not supposed to support him in his infidelity..and if you do you sell yourself short...<p>Investigate now protecting you, your children, finances. Investigate the laws in your home...I don't want to see he has filed and is going for custody of the baby only while moving in with her...but I also don't advocate moving away so he can't see his kids...
I say batton down the hatches..this IS the rollar-coaster ...
peace to you....<p>ARK

Hi ARK--I see what your saying about getting my stuff together. I need to look out for myself and my kids. I cant just keep hoping that my H will come around, cuz he may not. <p>I have been taking care of my self. I got a job. Set some goals for myself. Things I have been putting off for a long time. I do have a place to go if I need. As far as legal matters, I have only called lawyers to find out my rights. My H says he has done the same. But with him, who really knows whats up his sleeve? I feel like he is waiting for me to get off my feet, cool things down at home, and then file. He has been telling OW they will be totally together when he takes care of things. I also think he wants me to help him out with the bills. Thats all he talks about.<p>Everybody and their mothers know. His reputation is completely shot. I think another reason he is still here is because he wants to make it look like he tried. So he wont look as bad. He tells people how horrible I am. But they all know better. And i do keep everyone updated, just so they know hes not really trying.<p>As far as the games, Ive done them all. He is the hardest person to talk to like that. He always has something totally irrational to say. And he sooo believes him self. He is sooo much in a fog. He really thinks this has nothing to do with his A. Its all about our problems.<p>I have a major problem keeping my cool and not letting him get to me. I know thats what he wants. He wants me to keep pushing him. Or he wants me to be the one to leave. I will check out Terrifieds posts. I need to learn how to keep it under control. I am getting better everyday. But sometimes I lose it.<p>Please help me with anymore advise. I really appreciate it.<p>Thanks,
PI

I wouldn't recommend leaving books like Love Must Be Tough or lawyer's business cards out for him to see. I think the more mystery, the better. Other than that, I love Ark's suggestions. A great analogy from Love Must Be Tough is a see-saw. Maintain the same distance from the center as he does in order to maintain the balance.<p>As Ark suggested, follow his lead and mimick his behaviors, but with complete ingenuousness. Whenever my H was absent without notice or explanation, I made sure he came home to an empty house, and I sure didn't offer any explanation when I returned, either. I just acted nonchalant and like it was the normal thing to do and I'd been doing it forever. I wouldn't make any reference to his unexplained absences because he would then have the excuse that you're just doing it to get back at him no matter how you try to package it.<p>Better to act just as foggy as he is. Be a mirror. If he asks where you're going, be vague. I would not leave the children with him, though. I'd establish my role as the primary caretaker and keep it solidly there. I would act like the single mother he wants you to be. When my H left, the first thing I did was allow my 12yo to wear make-up and pierce her ears. His rules no longer applied.<p>The best place to learn this strategy is The Divorce Remedy. She calls it the Last Resort Technique. I advise getting that book and going straight to that section and putting it to use right away. It turned my H around 180 degrees to where he was pursuing me.<p>And definitely learn everything you need to know to prepare yourself for any possible legal battle. That's why I say establish yourself solidly as the custodial parent NOW. Stay upbeat, calm, fun, like you have a secret way to enjoy life without him. If he says anything about noticing a change in you, lightheartedly say, "I'm just thinking things through." and leave it at that. Avoid talks about the M completely.<p>Attitude is everything: Act as if you've accepted that he's with someone else now and you're enjoying your new life with no hard feelings, and you're just so happy that nothing really bothers you, kind of like you've seen the light, come through the darkness, and it's a brand new day and isn't it wonderful? And oh, what a pity you're going to miss it all because you're tangled up in that mess you made with the OW. Sigh. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Too bad. Oh well, I'm too busy enjoying myself to feel too sorry for you and surely you can take care of yourself anyway, right? <p>The more you practice the attitude, the easier it gets. Focusing on you and the children will make it easier as well. Really, if things continue as they are, that is exactly what will happen, so why not get used to enjoying the opportunities that are available to you. Get out, do things, interact with others, play with the kids. Find all the good things there still are in life and make them yours. Just because he's blowing his life doesn't mean you have to do the same.

Conqueror...<p>That is great advice! This isn't even my thread, but you inspire me. It seems so completely contrary to what you feel you should be doing, but there really isn't much choice is there? <p>My wife has moved out now, living with three other females in a house with one bathroom...YIKES! She says she's getting a D and I believe her, but she constantly will challenge me when I don't seem all broke up about it. Like, "I'm glad your taking this so well", or "I think its better for both of us that you have this attitude". I'm not sure if this means that she's really happy about it, or if she is kind of trying to push my buttons. This all kind of feels like a forced plan B! I have found a new apartment and will start moving my stuff this week, but last weekend she went with me to an awards ceremony? See I don't really understand what is going on. Why would someone who says they can't stand you and want a D and can't ever trust you again, still go to a formal event, or want to have dinner, or call you on the phone? <p>Not trying to steal your threat PI...
I would say that you still have lots of plan A'ing to do before you move to plan B. Its good advice to gather all the evidence and the protection you can. But Plan A, as Dr. Harley says should be long term..six months, a year! At two months you really haven't been effectively able to establish to him what he is missing! Plan B will come if that is the way it should go, but don't force that right now. I am assuming you have read the concepts here and in the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs. If not, read them, and then read them again.