Here is the story:<p>web page<p>I really have been Plan A'ing since last fall, and REALLY hard since she left 3 weeks ago, when I found this site. I found out about the A after she left.<p>Since then she had been doing "wifely" things and I could not get her to stop. She would not go anywhere with me, or do anything with me other than come to the house and chit-chat for just a few minutes, and do those "wife" things. I couldn't even get her to go 2 miles to have a pizza. All she insisted was to remain "friends".
She was so emotionally "cold" to me.<p>I am sorry. I am deeply in love with her. I could not stand it any longer. She said time and time again that there was no "romantic" love for me left. It was gone. She still cannot understand why it is virtually impossible for me to be "very good friends" with her while I am this much in love with her.<p>I really think that there are no feelings for anyone else. She just has none for me.<p>I gave her my plan B letter, a modified one that I had gotten on here. She insisted that I stay until she read it. She began to cry immensely. First time like that in a long time.<p>She asked if that is what I really wanted. I told her that I would not let her lead me down a road to where my love for her would be destroyed by anger and resentment. And that was what she was doing. Coming over to check on me, try to clean the house, worried about my attire, doing shopping for me. I told her if she wanted to be a wife, then be a wife. She was not going to satisfy her own feelings by still "being there", and destroying mine when she wasn't. I informed her that what she was doing was not for me, but for her.<p>If she felt there was NO hope, then fix it. File for DV. She said that was going to be hard for her to do. I told her that if she had no "romantic" love for me, then it shoouldn't be a problem. She probably will.<p>Thanks for all the support here.<p>I believe that it is over. I know that there is still a chance that the start of Plan B may lift the fog, but I seriously doubt it.<p>Remember me in your prayers,<p>HCII

From reading your post, I must say that your case looks like it's far from over. I'd say things are just begining and judging by her "wifely" duties and attitude a good Plan B will go a long way. From my own experience and from reading this forum for almost 2 years now, I'd say you have a better than average chance at a future reconcilliation. Take your knocks and be firm (but with compassion) with the B and work on yourself and I gaurantee she'll start to melt and the fog will begin to lift.

I don't really understand why they do that, move out, but then keep coming back to the house to do the things they always did to keep the house in order. I think its all part of the fence sitting and fantasy land. <p>I should be one to talk, I have never gone to plan B and hopefully won't have to (as that would involve telling the kids), but unless we do it, how are they going to feel how it will really be?<p>The only advice I have for you is to take care of yourself for you, not for anyone else.

I absolutely agree... sounds like it's FAR from over...<p>Her actions speak louder than words, remember... her wanting to come over might be disguised as "wifely duties" - but hey, she doesn't HAVE TO do them anymore - so why is she? Probably because she misses you and/or is trying to hold onto you in a sense.<p>The crying thing is also very telling. I've gotten the same from my WW when I've switched gears and become "tougher" on her... no Plan B yet - I'm still holding out a sliver of hope that she'll pull her head out of her butt herself since she's still at home and making some positive noises. She obviously has a lot of feelings left for you - she just needs to reconnect with them, and you doing a PRISTINE Plan B can definitely help with that. I mean that - keep it a good Plan B... if you let her continue doing those "wifely duties", etc. - she's getting certain EN's met by you, and that will only allow her to drag on and on. Be strong. My gut tells me it won't take all that long.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Her actions speak louder than words, remember... her wanting to come over might be disguised as "wifely duties" - but hey, she doesn't HAVE TO do them anymore - so why is she? Probably because she misses you and/or is trying to hold onto you in a sense.<p> <hr></blockquote><p>Her excuse was that we are still carrying the joint checking account, and she had the "money".
Also, of course, the "good friend" thing.<p>What plays with my mind is that she will hardly touch me in any way, or even a kiss on the cheek!
Anything more than that is a DEFINITE NO!!!!!<p>She insists over and over and over and over that
she has no romantic feelings left.<p>Is it really that normal for them to respond that way? Totally convinced that there is no love left? I did not know about Plan A until I came here 3 weeks ago, but have been doing one since last fall. Her A ended about 6 weeks ago or so and says she knows that there was no love there.<p>So....Do I still have hope? I may have LB'ed big time last night and am scared....But isn't that part of Plan B.....I need responses here....good or bad....<p>REAL BAD DAY!!!!!!!!THINKING MISTAKE!!!!!<p>HCII

Oh....and by the way....here is a more complete story that I originally posted on the "Just Found Out" forum....<p>Maybe it will give some more insight to all of you<p>Driving Me Nuts!<p>HCII

Funny, when i first confronted her with the A,
the weeks after that my W started to do her household like never before; my mouth fell open.
She never was a housewife type of woman, and i didn't need her to be one cause i helped out on everything cooking,cleaning,ironing,minding our daughter, etc and i never had any probs with that either. But man, everyhing was done at that time;she cooked,cleaned,ironed,... like she never did before. Sometimes i wonder i life pre-A was just a joke
Anyway keep your heads up yáll and look at the bright side of life. Millions of W are waiting for you, but if you still love your W, just feel sorry for her,she's just in a mess right now

HCII,<p>If the affair has been over for only 6 weeks, then she is very likely still in withdrawal. You have gone a long time, and it is a shame that you couldn't continue with a strong Plan A for awhile longer since the A is over. However, as you said you have been in sort of a plan a for a long time.<p>Don't panic about the Plan B. It really is her choice and your choice. You have choosen to not have her rub the A in your face by telling you how much she DOESN'T love you. It will help you maintain the love and also let go. She may need that right now.<p>I do think that after a time she may approach you again. If the A is truely dead, the consider going back to Plan A and see if you can rebuild. But, until she approaches you at all, it is probably better to stick with the Plan B.<p>Oddly, it may be harder on her than you, since she has kept you in her life all through this and knows you would have stuck by her. All indications on this site suggest that as you move along in your Plan B, you will feel better. So hang in there.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If the affair has been over for only 6 weeks, then she is very likely still in withdrawal. You have gone a long time, and it is a shame that you couldn't continue with a strong Plan A for awhile longer since the A is over. However, as you said you have been in sort of a plan a for a long time. <hr></blockquote><p>I hated going to Plan B, and was a hard decision. I have referenced my story in this post for everyone to know the whole thing.<p>After I had been working the 24/7 routine, and if you will look at my earlier posts, you can see where I REALLY was doing more work than any man could stand. I was slipping into depression ever so slowly, and either didn't realize it, or thought it was just all the work. Anyway, it cut into "quality" time severely.<p>So....Last fall I quit a job that I had held for 17 years, and had substantial seniority and pay in. Anybody knows that that takes some severe guts in today's market. I took a job at an "unproven" company, because #1 - More time at home, #2 - comparable pay (though less). I did this because I had finally (Too late?) realized that my life both at home, physically, and mentally could not take it any longer.<p>Anyhow, She hasn't told me exactly when, but all indications show that the A started about the time when I ended up at the Doctor's Office after calling her at work while here at home, with a severe panic attack, anxiety, whatever. I was started on treatment with Wellbutrin (haven't felt this good in years), but it actually took it 3 or 4 months to really kick in.<p>I became the person she always wanted. I had more time with her, my incentive and drive was much greater, and had more energy. But...I guess she couldn't wait. And....I guess since I'm not a psychologist, that since her attention by that time was already on him, she never really saw the change in me until she was "addicted" to him.<p>So yep...I feel that I have been Plan A'ing for a while, and she still would make the comments about not really feeling right towards me, love, etc., but all the while me not knowing of the A.<p>She finally said she couldn't take it any longer, and confessed to a one night stand to me on 4/27. I asked her how could this happen, and she replied that he paid more attention to her than I. She also said he did not work with her. That caused me to think. Hmmmmmm....Attention? That much in ONE night? Well...had to be actually BEFORE the A, for the A to happen, so I knew then that there was something she wasn't telling me. After prodding, still maintains one-nighter. Hit her with the proof (phone records), and a scheme I am quite proud of (nothing illegal!) and all hell broke loose.<p>Anyhow....enough of that.<p>After she walked out on 4/27, actually within sight of here to her parent's, the only contact she wanted was the necessities, such as mail, etc. Then it got to be just helping out with the laundry, and all sorts of the "wifely" things (and please, no I am not derating women).<p>I first asked her nicely to stop doing them. She wouldn't stop. I then matter-of-factly-asked. Still no stopping. Then I TOLD her. That is when she said it was her house too, and she could do as she damn well pleased. You walked, I reminded her.<p>Anyhow, I had a few projects already in progress when she left, so I just continued them. Building a privacy fence, a new deck, re-staining some workshop buildings and such. I hadn't felt this good in such a long time, I even got on the "had to have the best looking lawn" kick. Everytime she came over she would insist for me to stop doing those things, cause she would feel guilty if our marriage didn't work out, and I had done all that work. (She's convinced she'll get the house if we DV'ed, because it is close to her family and makes a whole lot less money).<p>Anyway, she would not LET me be nice to her, and was disrupting anything I did. But....she was determined to hang me out on the proverbial leash, (because of fog, probably), with her kind acts of helping her "friend", knowing darn good and well how I was interpreting them. She wanted nothing FROM me, other than her to be able to do things FOR me. But nothing romantic. Just friends. Reminded me of the movie "War Games", where he finally figured out the only way to win was to not play. I had enough, and gave her a loving Plan B letter.<p>I think, looking back,(Although it may cost me my marriage), that I was always the one giving in. She had left me for a couple of days at a time, 2 or 3 times in the marriage (Back to Mom & Dad's) and I always went begging. When she would threaten to leave the few times in our marriage (and A lot of us have those, I'm sure) I would always ask her to stay.<p>I have ranted long enough. But I think Plan B has "blind-sided" her like no other. I do not in any way intend to cause her grief, but if it will shake the fog from her, I am willing to to what it takes to put my marriage back together.<p>Because....I now know what unconditional love is.<p>
HCII