Also posted in Recovery:<p>I haven&#8217;t posted in awhile as things were going pretty good until I began to have my doubts again. <p>I now believe that the mood my WH was in was caused by a real low in withdrawal and not that contact was made. Unfortunately, I couldn&#8217;t hide the way I was feeling and LB&#8217;d by accusing him of making contact and not telling me and giving me the opportunity to deal with it. <p>After I LB&#8217;d, I came on to the boards and found so many things that pertained to our situation that it made me realize 1. that he was probably at the peak of withdrawal (approx. 5 weeks of no contact), and 2. that things were really going pretty good here and his guilt was probably getting to him. Too bad I wasn&#8217;t smart enough to come to the boards to find that out before I LB&#8217;d. I could have been kind and compassionate instead of the stupid accusing witch that I was.<p>It has become a big step backward in our recovery. He is thinking about moving out again, not to be with her, just to be alone. I truly believe that he&#8217;s not sure if it would have worked with her or not, but he is not sure if we will get through this. <p>We had been plugging along pretty good, but without a real plan. This morning he went from &#8220;I&#8217;m going to see the lawyer and have a legal separation agreement drawn up&#8221; to &#8220;We are going to sit down and write up an agreement, complete with what I want and what you want (i.e. date nights, time alone, time as a family, free time) and follow it. If at the end of three months there is no change, we will get a separation on friendly terms&#8221;. <p>I do believe that he realizes that he hasn&#8217;t contributed anything to our recovery, but that is because he doesn&#8217;t feel it in his heart and he doesn&#8217;t understand why. His is confused as to why he doesn&#8217;t feel the intense feeling for me that he felt for her. I let him know that from what I&#8217;ve read, that will never happen again unless he leaves and looses me for real. <p>The last couple of days he has been focusing on the negatives again, the you don&#8217;t like to do the same things I do, we never had any fun together, we were never really in love, we just needed each other (he now says that&#8217;s what he got out of the letters he wrote me when we were first dating. Just this past January, before he moved back home, he could see from his letters that he did have those intense feelings for me and the &#8220;seasons of love&#8221; began to make sense). Now he seems to be rewriting our history with all the negative and is blocking out all of the wonderful things we have in this marriage.<p>He refuses to get any anti-depressants and he is sick of counselors. He said he would read whatever I found for him. <p>I honestly believe that he doesn&#8217;t want to give up, but he is so low right now, he just wants this pain to end, even if it causes a different kind of pain down the road.<p>I&#8217;m going on the theory that he has hit some kind of peak in the withdrawal that he is either going to ride out and get to the light at the end of the tunnel or fall backward and stay in the big black hole. <p>Now that I have quit my job, I have time to do the things that I&#8217;ve always wanted to learn and accomplish. Our house is cleaner, our kids are happier, there&#8217;s not so much stress around here and he admits that those changes have been nice, however he&#8217;s also dwelling on the &#8220;why couldn&#8217;t these changes have been made before I crossed the line&#8221;. He doesn&#8217;t see that we can recover, and I believe a lot of that has to do with the guilt/shame he feels.<p>It may sound stupid, but just a couple of weeks ago he came home with a sewing machine for me as a surprise. I&#8217;ve always wanted to learn how to sew, just never had the time or a machine. After he was done bringing up a bunch of negative things, I asked him how he felt that day when he bought the machine and when he brought it home to surprise me. He said pretty good. I asked him to think about those positive things instead of dwelling on the negative. You know, if you think positive thoughts you&#8217;ll have positive thoughts.<p>Any thoughts/suggestions any of you have, especially from FWH, would be greatly appreciated. I just feel that we have come too far to turn backwards now, just because the roller coaster took a dip.<p>I also forgot to mention that before he left for work this morning, he looked at me and sang the verse "I love you, I honestly love you", (that Olivia Newton John song). It made my heart melt and lets me see that the old husband is in there, wanting to come out, just not knowing quite how to do it.<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: hurting3475 ]<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: hurting3475 ]</p>

Hurting - <p>I dont have any advice but just wanted to tell you that you are not alone - Our stories sound very much alike and I completely relate to what you are saying.... gota love this rollercoaster... as I've said before and know you must feel the same "I just want off!"<p>I will be keeping an eye on you to see if you get any great advice that maybe could help me too... <p>Keep smiling! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm not a WH, but I'll throw some advice your way. Maybe try to detach yourself from his emotional roller coaster. You be the rock. Be firm with your intentions with love and understanding. Seems you're doing a great job so far. WS's are like yo-yo's. Instead of going down and up with them, be the hand that brings them back up.

I'm sorry about what you're going through. I know how hard it was for my wife to watch the agony of withdrawal and not really know how to help.<p>Listen carefully: DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO KEEP HIM HOME!!!!<p>He may be telling himself that he wnats to be alone, but he'll be seeing her again with a day.
Your continued presence reminds him of his guilt, but also his obligation.<p>I think you're right - he loves you. He's struggling to let go.<p>It might be hard, but you have to avoid lovebusting. It also might sound crazy, but he doesn't really associate this pain he feels right now with you or the marriage. If it's true that he just misses her, this is a good time for you to be there for him. You don't have to condone the affair, but you can hold him and tell him that you know he's hurting.<p>Something my wife said to me that impressed the heck out fo me:
"I know you're hurting because I know you couldn't have been involved with someone without caring for them...I know you have too good a heart to not care for them."
She let me know it was ok to hurt...that she loved me anyway.<p>If you haven't already, try to apologize for the LB. You don't have to apologize for your feelings, only the way in which they came out.<p>It's up to you at this point. Please don't let him leave if you can help it.<p>Low

Hurting,
I think this was the point my H & I had such a difficult time getting past (7 separations). He'd be down, I'd be down, I'd LB, he'd walk out.<p>My best advice to you is like Low Orbit says, apologize and go on in the most positive way you can. You already know if he chooses to walk out, he will, you can't stop him.<p>It might be time for the opening of the cage door, like in Dobson's LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. You really love him, but he's free to leave. If he stays you have expectations, and, you always will. <p>During separations as much as we think we'd be all right if only they'd come home...it doesn't work that way. A lump on the couch or in the computer chair is not a husband/spouse. It's good to give them time to get through withdrawal, but it is so frustrating to always be the giver...I think all recovering previously separated marriages go through the BS's Taker arising.<p>When he goes on his negativity, can you counter it with positives? He might not agree, but maybe his synapses will fire at some later point.<p>You won't be able to make him do anything. All you can do for now is be the best wife you can be...and let go with boundaries and detachment if he leaves.<p>I'm so sorry.

Low Orbit:
Thank you so much for replying. I've been reading your posts and saw how you went through much of what I think my WH is going through. Am I wrong to assume that if he gets over this 1st real hard hit of withdrawal that each time it hits it should get that much easier?<p> I have apologized for the way I accused him of contact and told him that after reading posts on the site I realize that it is all part of his withdrawal. Believe it or not, I can understand his hurting, I just need to find a way to let him know I am here for him and running away again is not the answer, it never has been.<p> How long has it been for you and how are you doing? Do the triggers lessen with time if you stay strong?<p>LOR:
As I said above, I did apologize for the LB and I think he understands or is at least trying to understand some of what I am going through. <p> I need to remain strong for us and our girls. He really is a good man, he just lost his way and can't seem to come back. I'm not sure that he believes in what I say. I believe that women are more forgiving than men are and that he can't understand how I could truly forgive him because he doesn't think that he could ever forgive me. <p> It hurts so much to have seen the old husband come out, the one who laughs, the one who plans, the one who is so confident in who he is and where he is going. I saw so much of that these last few weeks it's hard to forget. You're right, I need to keep positive and when he throughs the negatives out, I'll remind him as gently as I can the positive things that have happened these last few weeks.<p> Thanks so much, both of you!

Assuming there is no further contact, yes, the triggers get easier. He may still have some down days, but they will be fewer and farther between.<p>I am five months out from no contact. The ONLY reason we are doing so well is because my wife has loved me enough to hang with me through the rough days. I'm feeling pretty good about us today, but I know that I'll have some dark days to come - so will she. We talk about how we'll handle them and pray they don't happen on the same days [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There is certainly hope for you guys. I can tell he's married to someone very special. <p>Low

Thank you for your post, it really meant alot to me!!

I feel like I'm going to loose my mind sometimes. I've been thinking so much about all the good times we had and it seems that all he does is think about all the bad.<p>He's going golfing this afternoon with a friend of his who knows our whole situation. Hopefully he will talk to him and listen to his advice. Work is so stressful for him right now (well it's always stressful, but moreso this week). <p>I watched Tuesday's Dr. Phil episode on Oprah (had taped it)about women having to take care of themselves in order to be able to take care of others. I saw so much of myself there it was scary. I finally did figure it out last year when I quit my job. Enough was enough. Life could be so good for all of us know if we would just get over this huge hurdle. <p>What do you do when you love someone so much that you can't sit back and watch them destroy their life. I know he wants this pain to stop one way or the other. I just hope its soon.