Hi,<p>My wife has been acting out of character lately. These changes are fairly radical departures from her usual self. I suspect that this change has been caused by her having an affair. I have asked her, but she has denied it. Still I can't get away from the suspicion and it is eating at me. <p>What would be the concensus if the following changes were observed. There were numerous examples but these, in my view, are the most significant.
-During an argument she told me "There was not much left in the marriage".
- She used to be appaled by affairs at the office. Now she finds it understandable.
- She is attending gym and buying sexy underwear.
- At the same time she cringes when I approach her.
- She always bought clothes off the rack. Now she spends long periods, away from home, at the dressmaker.
- She often moons about like a love struck teenager. Staring into the distance and twirling her hair.
- I hear more about her life from third parties than I do from her.<p>Are my suspicions valid?

im sorry to say but you are probably right. im a firm believer in gut instinct.<p>if you want to save your marriage, start reading and learning what you can do. this site is amazing, learn all you can.<p>post more later.

You are more then likely right.<p>Even if there is not an affair, your marriage is in trouble. I suggest that you start reading all of the material on this web site. Also read the book 'Surviving an Affair' by Dr. Harley. This is a good place to start.

It certainly looks you have enough to justify taking a further look. I would advise you to heed your gut instincts about this and verify them to find out if they are accurate or not. I am one who always thought that gut feelings were foolishness until I ignored mine to my own detriment. My gut feelings were dead on accurate. It looks like your wife is showing many of the signs that we often see around here.<p>Have you been reading any of the material about infidelity on the marriagebuilders website? That would probably be real helpful to you.

Hi,<p>I have to agree with the others here. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Looks like you've been playing detective and are now going to have to start looking for the "proof." Be careful though. When I had that "gut instinct" something wasn't right and started snooping, I really thought I was over-reacting and never really expected to find anything. Well, how wrong I was! My world feel apart and I wasn't at all prepared for it!! So, prepare yourself for the worst.<p>It's great that you've found this site. You have a big advantage in that you have found it at this point in your R. I can't tell you how much it has helped me. Read everything you can and follow the advice given. It really has saved my M.<p>Good luck and keep posting.<p>H&S

I, too, see red flags. If she's not currently involved with someone, she's probably at least going down that road. I still don't know my H's whole story and whether there was more than one OW, etc., but I remember an incident which happened about 7 months before he says he met the OW. H was the BS in his previous M, so he never had a nice thing to say about adulterers, EVER.<p>I was telling him about a relative of mine involved in an A and how distressing it was to me, and his response was, "Maybe his W just doesn't care." That was the first time I had ever heard him rationalize an A. Prior to that, he had always said there was NEVER an excuse for an A and made fun of all the excuses you hear all the time. Now I realize he had already made up his mind that *I* didn't care if HE had an A, so he was giving himself permission at least as far back as that.

Thanks all - The coments are supportive. I do not feel so neurotic now. A lot of people suggested I look for "proof". Where is the easiest place to look?

For the new sexy underwear, there are semen detection kits available on the internet. If she has a cell phone, you can check the call history for frequently listed numbers and then do reverse lookups on them. There are internet companies that can do reverse lookups on unlisted numbers as well. There are auto tracking devices you can install. You can install a voice-activated tape recorder in her car.<p>But if you have the $, I'd just hire a P.I. to do the job. I imagine it would be less stressful that way.

Yes, I think so, I am a fWS. Ivolved in an EA for two years and those are the same exact things I went through. If I were you and hope your not offened by my even being here on this thread, I would start meeting all those ENs as much as possible. Confronting her might be good too especially at the early start. I think had my H confronted me early on, I would have admitted it. The further it goes on, its harder as one goes into denial it usually will run its course until it comes to a head with herself or both of you. But, since your feeling this, I agree with gut instinct.... Now, you might want input on what to say and how to approach her. Good luck!!<p>MissJ

There's something else you could try. <p>"Honey, the other day you said that there was not much left in this marriage. I haven't been able to quit thinking about it ever since you said it. I love you and want us to continue. What can we do, what can I do, about what you said."<p>See what reaction you get. At least it's safe and not disprectful.<p>In the mean time. Read as much as you can (from this site). Start meeting her needs, and don't love bust. <p>Let us know what you find out.<p>And one more thing, there is an old saying. "Expect the best, but prepare for the worst." You need to be sure you don't get angry, and love bust if it turns out bad. It will drive her away FAST. You need to be calm, cool, and say all the right things. ( read, to find out what.) <p>SS<p>[ May 17, 2002: Message edited by: still seeking ]</p>

EGA Sorry, but my computer went on the fritz, I was going to tell you if there is any new music she has like in the form of a homemade cd or tape that she listens to. Also, the computer, is she on the internet all the time? There is software that will tell you where she's been. Check the browsers on the computer or go to cookies on C/:Windows/cookies........ that should give you some indication or if she knows all this, might be deleting it all. But, the software will tell you.Good lUck again.............<p>MissJ [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks all. Useful ideas. I wish I had known some of these in the early stages. <p>I sometimes get the impression that her friends are busting to tell me something. What would be the best way of getting her friends to talk, next time I get one of these prompts. If I am too direct the chances are they will go on the defensive. Is there any approach that could get them to disclose a bit more information. <p>MissJ - how did your friends handle it?

I know that you probably do not wish to think about it but the signs are pretty clear she in an affair. You will have to consider the possibility of STD's if you are still intimate with your wife. You should be using protection.
They say go with your gut and you feel her friends are dying to tell you. You have received excellent advise so far and I would suggest that you both get involved in marriage counseling right away. The longer the lying and cheating continues the more difficult it will become to save the marriage and start the process of rebuilding. I wish you luck.

Well EGA,
My friends only two of them I told. Well, were very concerned about my H and I. They, wanted me to end it. But, have advised me not to tell him. But, like I said, I'm new and considering all the options. EGA, let me tell you something about friends and affairs. I've even read that its not the wisest thing to do becuase it could backfire on the friend. If your W is in too deep she will act on the defense and mostly likely you and the friend will be in the so to speak "dog house". Your W may resent you for it too, speaking to her friends about it. But, thats just what I've heard and read. Your situatio might be different. I wish you much luck EGA and also, wish that this wasn't happening to you or anyone else. As a WS myself, it was heartwrenching in the beginning and feelings ran miles high and strong. But for myself I couldn't give him up.... its been 2 years of trying to break things off. In a way I wish my H would have found out. So, my punishment is living with this guilt and without the OM. I would do anything I could to take it all back which is where I am now. But, I'm still reading and learning here. Take care!!!!! <p>MissJ