Hello
My WH will not cut ties with OW. The EMA started when he left me in March 2001 to go to OW who he met on the internet. My WH returned in the beginning of April, after finding out I was prergnant. He has never left since then. My WH talks dialy with OW. I have asked him to stop, but he won't. He sent OW a ring last October. The OW now calls herself MRS. I called a lawyer and had him send a letter to cease and desist using the MRS's name, since she is not legally married to anyone with that name. He also stated defamation of character. My WH syas he wants to work the marraige out with me, but I explain that is nor possible if he maintains contact with OW.
Please help me. I love my husband dearly. I read the wensite info, made my emotional need list and even found out that he does fulfill 80% of my EN. So what should I do? :teary:

How much of HIS emotional needs do you NOTfill? (Ask him to fill out the EN questionaire.)<p>Get a copy of Surviving an Affair and ask him to read it. He will do one of two things:<p>1. He will agree to read it, but will likely claim he's "different" and it doesn't apply to him.<p>2. He will refuse to read it.<p>Then suggest you two get into counseling to start working on the marriage. I predict he'll likely have some excuse not to.<p>Any of these things will indicate that the affair is not over and he's giving you lip service that he wants to work on the marriage. Normally, it's not recommended that a BS attempt to "educate" a WS. But, in the case of a WS who falsely claims to want to work on the marriage, these offers will serve to call his bluff and flush out the real intent.<p>Assuming that none of this will affect the continued contact, your choices are Plan A if you want to salvage the marriage, or seel legal advicie you want him gone. Just because he declines to REALLY participate now doesn't mean his behavior is permanent.<p>Please keep reading and learning.<p>WAT

Hi,<p>I'm sorry for what you're going through. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It sounds like you've been dealing with this for awhile. When did you find Marriage Builders? I'm still sort of new here, so I won't offer alot of advice, I'll leave that to the "seasoned" ones. You'll be amazed with the care and wonderful advice you will receive. I know I was. <p>The one thing I would suggest is to get the book Surviving the Affair asap. I wish I had gotten it sooner than I did. <p>My H also met the OW on the internet. I feel lucky in that they never met in person. I'm sure that's what would have happened if I didn't catch it when I did. Since then I've been coming to MB almost daily. The help and encouragement I've received has been remarkable. It's given me the strength and knowledge needed to work on my marriage and the results are very encouraging.<p>Hang in there and keep reading. There will be many others replying to you soon. <p>H&S

Hi,<p>One possibility is that the A has not had an opportunity to die a natural death, because the fantasy aspects can be kept alive due to distance, the "tragedy" of their situation (barf!), etc.<p>Sadly, I personally can't think of much more reality than something like Plan B, if you've truly reached the end of your Plan A rope.<p>Part of what you can be doing is something that can be part of Plan A, and that's applying some loving toughness... you do have an advantage in your position as WAT has noted - WH claims he wants to work on the M. This opens the door for you to have some justification in setting some boundaries.<p>Given his refusal to leave now / claims to want it to work, I think you have the upper hand, really. Use it!

Hi,<p>I am both a FWS and FBS. Speaking from my BS side, I'm not too sure if you should continue on allowing this behavior from your H without any consequences. You have got to let your H know that this is not acceptable. I know you love him. You'd have to to put up with this mess for this long. I commend you for that. Love is not enough though. You are gonna have to dig deeper.<p>My H had A's throughout our 10 year M with over 32 OW. One was too many. I'm still M to him, but it is really hard. I had to get away. I had to get real with myself and realize that there was nothing I could do to change him, but I could change myself. So, I put all the focus on me. I see now that it was the only way I could get through all this mess. Only I could change things for myself. I could not control him, but I can control me. I made a plan and went for it. <p>I didn't start any of my plan until first letting him know that I was not accepting his behavior anymore nor would I take the backseat to any OW or man outside our M. I planned A'd the best I could, waited a year to see some effort from him, all the while getting my life together. I slowly paid off my bills, separated accounts, saved money, prepared my daughter for a possible move, and made goals for myself. I had to go to Plan B. It wasn't until I got real with myself and showed him that I meant business that I got his attention. <p>Every situation is different. I do know that you need to let him know under no circumstances are you happy with this situation nor are you accepting it. Try your best not to raise your voice. (You know, that plan A - LB thing). He has to know. <p>You know, he is still in the fog. Children mean reality. I'm sorry, but those children are his responsibility too. I know they are upset with their father, but he is their father. The both of you need to talk with them together. Your H has to understand that with the situation you both are in comes circumstances and consequences. Your H must know he can't go on with life as usual. I also think maybe a visitation agreement needs to be agreed upon by the both of you after your talk with the kids.<p>The M may end up in D or it may not, but in the meantime, your life does not have to end because of this mess. It is just changing. That means you will have to look at it differently. The M is forever changed because of this and so are you and your family. It is not about him anymore. Ask yourself, what is my payoff for dealing with his stuff? <p>Don't be confused. I think you know what you need and want to do. I know you are scared for yourself, your children, and your M, but once you get in a place where you know no matter what hurtful or negative things he or anyone else does to you, that you will be okay. <p>I'm glad you post on MB. MB was a blessing to me when I found it. Read all you can and hear as much advice from MBers as possible. You will become more stronger and wiser because of it. BY ALL MEANS, GET SOME COUNSELING FOR YOU AND THOSE KIDS. AND LIVE!!!<p>Just my thoughts, take care.
INTHECLOUDS

Does he have a plan for "working the M out" with you? I would ask him that, along with what WAT suggested to flush out his true intentions. The fact is that a monogamous M contains only 2 people. If he is bargaining or insisting on a 3rd person being a part of your M, then what he is wanting to work out is a harem with you as Mrs. #1 and OW as Mrs. #2. Unless you want to be a member of his harem, you're going to need to set those boundaries. He is certainly free to have a harem with as many women as he likes, but you don't have to be one of them.<p>If you think you have done a good enough plan A for a long enough period of time, it may be time for Plan B. You've been part of his harem for over a year now, so he may be assuming you WANT to be in his harem.<p>[ May 16, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>