I have a question from people experienced with MB concepts -<p>I'm not any where near this stage yet, but when the time comes, I want to be prepared - I have been kind of puzzled by the idea of a no-contact letter from WS to OP, and why this should be a part of real recovery - the "not wanting to rock the boar" part of me thinks it's too much to ask of a WS who has made a commitment to recovering the marriage - hard to see this as not just another selfish demand.<p>BUT - and it's a big but - I have been reading a lot - lurking like mad - and I'm wondering about it's purpose - seems to me like not only does it help the WS articulate and put into writing what he/she really feels and really wants - a resurrected marriage, a recommitment to the spouse they vowed to love, an affirmation of feelings of love towards spouse (all of which really helps the BS feel more secure, too), etc, but it also (and this is the big but part) helps to draw out the "true colors" of the OP.<p>Is this so? B/c the OP is usually only related to in the fantasy realm, and even if the contact between WS and OP tapers off, or is disturbed, the OP can still kid themselves that they are the true "love of his/her life" b/c they've never heard the WS SAY they are not. In other words, getting a no-contact letter really shakes up the OP and wakes THEM up to reality, and they are bound to react, not necessarily in a positive way - they might do something which LB's the WS, further cementing recovery, if recovery is genuine.<p>Am I wrong in thinking this? So does this no-contact letter have a dual purpose? I was thinking I was too afraid to even bring this up, but I'm starting to think that when the time comes (see - I'm being positve) I will really want to see this happen, and I will have to find a way to suggest it (in counselling) so he agrees to do this of his own free will - otherwise he will just say he was manipulated into writing such a letter. I know it would make me feel a lot better if my H could ever bring himself to do this for me, since he has said so many awful things about me to the OW.<p>I don't want to control him - but it would help my recovery if he did this for me.<p>Can someone with experience tell me whether or not I understand the purpose of the no-contact letter? Would really appreciate input. Thanks!<p>Odile

Gosh - I gotta work on my keyboard skills!! That was supposed to be "question FOR experienced MB" and - wow! - "not wanting to rock the boar" must be a Freudian slip!
Whew!
Odile

^^BUMP^^

odile---<p>Sorry you haven't gotten any responses to this from someone who has some experience...you ask some good questions and have an interesting spin on the no contact letter.<p>You may get a better response by posting this on the recovery board. <p>I can say from what little experience I have that my WW received a no contact e-mail from the OM. BTW my WW did not tell me this but I got the info from OMW.<p>For my WW, it has sent her into a pretty deep depresssion and I think it has, in fact, created some "reality" thinking for her.<p>Now, that doesn't mean we are headed for recovery any time soon. In fact it has created for her some real soul searching about what she wants to do for the rest of her life I guess. I do think in her case she needed to hear something from OM saying he wanted to break contact to lead her to this point.<p>Of course, that doesn't mean it couldn't start up again tomorrow...(how's that for optmism?)<p>Anyway---I hope you get some more responses.<p>E

Odile,
I think optimally the no contact letter does the things you outline:
1) WS communicates to the OP that they want the affair to end
2) they love the BS
3) are committed to staying in the marriage.
4) it may confirm the OP's impression that they aren't as important to the WS as they thought, or at least bring some doubt.<p>It doesn't always work the way it should, again for the reasons you've picked up on
1) the WS is coerced
2) the WS lets the OP know it's coming and to pay no attention
3) the OP immediately contacts, which if they LB is negative, if they are sweet & loving...the Ws might hang a big longer on confusion lane.<p>If the OP is a co-worker or someone who their will be contact with--relative, neighbor, I tend to think the no contact letter is of less value. Because contact of some kind will continue, and if the letter dictates no "personal" contact or conversation, there's still the awkward do you say hello how are ya, do you ignore the OP? that is rather pointless to detail in a letter, the NC letter automatically gets too long & personal.<p>When my H sent the nc letter to his OW co-worker, she immediately emailed him. Had no problem calling him soon about her ill mother. They continued the EA/PA for another 10 months, then the PA ended, but they still emailed for another 4 months. My H denied the A and/or contact pretty much the entire 2 years. <p>The last email that I know of was in our 7th separation, my H & I had just left the counselor's office where my H had said he wanted to reconcile, I no longer did, but I did go to his office to talk to him...and found him emailing the OW!! I served him D papers shortly after.<p>He did end contact then, and we reconciled about 4 months later.<p>I'm sure experiences with the nc letter vary as much as with any other aspect of infidelity.<p>If you want it, if you think it is important and your H is willing, despite my experience I think it was worth the try. If the A isn't over, it at least creates some friction with the OP because obviously the WS cares enough to carry through with it for the BS.

Well, I have no experience yet, but I will not consider my M to be in recovery until my H writes that letter. I'm pretty sure there's been no contact since at least January, but even at this late date, I consider it a necessary part of preparing for recovery that he ignored and neglected. Whether there is any purpose to sending the letter if and when he ever writes it, I don't know, but I do know I need to read it.

Thanks everyone who has replied - I haven't posted for awhile b/c I'm working hard on my plan A and seeing some positive results - H happier, spends more time with me - more loving - doing more around the house - not hostile - in IC - still have had no discussion of his EA's, or whether or not he is still in contact w/ OW2 - have not yet put software on computer (can't stand the pain - stops me from being strong enough to get on with the things I have to do to make me stronger) - but am looking towards the future since things seem to be going well and need to get my head sorted out b4 we start to talk about "The Elephant in the Room" - <p>I just still feel confused about this no-contact letter. My H e-mailed the OW after I confronted both of them and said a lot of awful things about me - that certain friends of ours hate me, that other friends find me rude and boring - that basically, in his words "I/we are dealing here with a very sick person". FOG. Ok, nobody's perfect, but this was pretty extreme stuff for me, especially when he seems so happy with me a reasonable amount of the time. I would like him to correct these impressions he gave her. It would do me good, if he said "I was wrong, everybody makes mistakes, but I still love my wife and I now recognize that I was'nt seeing her good qualities b/c I was so Blinded by you." In my dreams!<p>Lor - 7 separations - wow - you must really love your H - I don't know how I would cope with that - and how did you know they were still e-mailing each other, even when you were separated?<p>The OW is going home to France and her BF in a couple of weeks - I'm guessing it will become an e-mail R if it continues - maybe the bloom will wear off after she goes - I just don't know - how do you know when e-mail contact finally ends?<p>Appreciate your replies, and would love to hear from more MB "veterans".<p>Odile

I am torn a little about this no contact letter. Part of me wants my wife to initiate this and part of me wants the A to die naturally. I guess that stopping a relationship at some point needs to be a conscious decision and the no contact letter brings closure to it. I think you are right about the dual purpose of the letter. I think that it may shock the OP out of the relationship, or it may make the OP pursue the S even more.<p>I have been able to bring this up occassionally with my WW. I slip it in conversations that are already uncomfortable that she has started about the OM so that I minimize the LB effect. Try to sell it as much as possible when you get the oportunity.

Don’t know if I’m considered an “MB Veteran” but here’s my experience and take on the No Contact letter.<p>You can know when email contact really ends, it the home computer is used by installing a keystroke monitor. Take a look at www.iopus.com. This way you could see what your H was typing and you could get the passwords to any and all of his accounts. Also, it the relationship goes to email, then it will probably also go the telephone. Keep an eye on that too. Snooping is a big issue I know. You have the right to know what is going on in your life. But this is a topic for another thread.<p>Now for the No Contact letter. See my signature block, my FWS had affairs with several women. The said they were nice women who he liked as friends but did not love. Each of them thought she was the only one. When they found out he was married they were each sure that he’d married me for some reason other then love. It was obvious because he loved them. After d-day he did not contact any of them further, but they were each waiting for his email to explain his deceit and to proclaim his love. How do I know this? I was in email/chat/phone contact with all of them for about 6 months after d-day.<p>At first he was reluctant to send out no contact letters. We both were posting here on MB at the time so it was discussed here. I asked him to send them to let them know that he was never going to contact them again. And I asked him to send the letter for me.. so show support and solidarity in our marriage. At first he resisted.. think he was embarrassed to tell you the truth. But after the read SSA and posted here he sent the letters. <p>A few of his OW contacted me to tell me that they’d gotten the letter. They were upset because the letter burst their bubble that they were his true love. They all wanted to continue contact with him even after discovery. They now knew that was not going to happen. They were really upset that the letter was all about our marriage, his commitment and me. It was not about them.
His sending the letters was a huge gift to me. One he was willing to give me.<p>Forcing someone to send the letter is not a good idea, it can back fire. But if the WS will send it willingly and honestly, then it marks the end of contact and the beginning of recovery.
Hope this helps in some way.