I am brand new to this site as of only about a month ago and like many others, I surely wish I had found it a very long time ago. However, perhaps better late than never. My story is long, but I will be complete and yet as brief as I can be. My wife and I met six years ago, we have been married for two years. We have both been previously married. Of all places, we met online in a chat room and were I guess what you could call the pioneers of internet relationships in a way. She was out of state and after a couple of lengthy visits, moved to South Florida to be with me. The first five years of our relationship had it's ups and downs, like most couples. However, the past year had been mostly down. I am basically to blame totally for this in retrospect. Last year I was laid off and went from earning $60,000 a year to being unemployed and eventually going back to work earning $20,000 per year. A major part of my problem is that I have OCD (Obessive Compulsive Disorder) I am a cleaner, a checker and a perfectionist and with the perfectionist portion, also comes a VERY controlling person without meds. I am also a worrier and am consumed with obessive thoughts over what bothers me. Needless to say, all I did was think about the financial strains of less money etc..... I totally and completely did NOT devote any attention to my marriage. My wife had told me over and over again as to what SHE needed, I did NOT listen.... or the OCD in me did not listen. My life was being dominated by the OCD. Not totally mind you, but easily 80% of it. Consequently, my wife suffered immensely. She kept telling me over and over about her needs and that some day, I would be sorry. Well, guess what.... she was so very right!<p>Just about 5 weeks ago, I could tell something was just not quite right. Our office is in our home and we both have our own computers etc..... I was on the yahoo messenger chat messages board and just happended to click on a name of an indivdual who was marked as a friend. Well, turns out he was much more than a friend so to speak. What I read about destroyed me. Shortly after reading it, I called my wife at work and she flat out denied it all. About 30 mins later, I called her again and she admitted it. Well needless to say, the next couple of days at home were not pretty. <p>After we both calmed down, she told me that she needed time and also NEEDED to keep chatting with this person which also included using a camera with live video chat. This went on for about 3 weeks or so, with or without me in the very same room. You have no idea what that did to me. Then came the phone calls. Very shortly thereafter, she announced that she HAD to meet this person and bought a ticket to Houston. We talked it over and I reluctantly agreed to let her go without disaster. There was really not any way I could legally stop her and it would only make matters worse. So, off she went. Prior to her leaving, she told me that when she returned, we would talk and if she was up to it that we could work our problems out and move on with saving our marriage.<p>After being with this "Chap" for 3 1/2 days, upon her arrival home, she announced that she was moving to Houston! I was devasted. Since this all came out, I have totally followed the rules if you will and have not done one single thing to annoy her etc and showed affection and love to her. Her response was that all I need now, is a friend and NOT a husband. Since this news was released to me, we have truly had some very good calm talks about all of this mess. She really knows how I feel. I have gotten help for my OCD and I am now on medication which is helping me and I attend support group meetings. Still though, she insisted on departing to Houston. <p>We have discussed her relationship with this person and she has told me about their fights and what she does not like about him and also, what he does not like about her etc. They have had some major fights over the phone since her return. His major problem with her is her insecurity. She has MAJOR insecurity issues from childhood and I accept those and means that I just have to do more to prove to her how I feel by showing her how I feel. However, he gets very mad at her over it and does not like it. <p>I have told her over and over again that she is making a major mistake and that she will return home. Yesterday, 5/16 she did infact admit that I was right. I have told her that deep down inside she knows she will come back and she finally agreed to it. She also has told her family a bit of a white lie as to why she is going to Texas as being work related, so that she is not the black sheep of the family and that no one would ever know anything was wrong. Today, 5/17 she did it. She has departed. She packed up and departed and dumb old me helped. But for someone that was totally moving out, she left and awful lot behind.... to me, another sign that she knows she will be back. She is going from a small rural town in South Florida to Houston, Texas. The 4th largest city in the country. She is going from a 2,000 square foot 3 bedroom, 2 bath home with a pool on the water.... to a one bedroom, one bath 700+ square foot apartment that according to her, stinks like new paint and is always kept at 50 degrees.... brrrrrrr. <p>For the past 5 weeks, we have slept alone. Last night she offered to sleep with me in the same bed. I about went into shock. Prior to her leaving this morning, I asked her "do you love me?" Her response was, "yes, I love you" and she gave me a kiss and thanked me for allowing her to do this; because she said if she did not do it, she would be miserable in her words. I also told her that when she was ready to come home to call and that I would not contact her at all while she was in Texas. Kind of a Plan B if you will. If nothing else, as bad as I feel I at least know I will not be subjected to the daily abuse of watching her chat online for hours here at the house. At least that makes me feel just a tad better.<p>Ok, that is the end of my story. I am really needing any thoughts or feedback be it good or bad. I am about to go out of my mind.

MrF - right off the bat, let me offer this: you will come out of this ahead.<p>Assuming you haven't neglected to mention anything important in your story thus far, I think you're in a perfect position, given you had to suffer this at all.<p>It's obvious you've taken stock of your contributions to the poor marital environment, you recognize that this is a major contributor to her affair, and you're taking steps to correct this.<p>I think you've done EXACTLY the right things in allowing her to leave and professing your desires to heal your marriage. That's all you can do for now.<p>I suggest you sit back for now and try to find some way to occupy yourself as this thing plays itself out. My money's on the expectation that once she gets to Houston that there's no where for this relationship to go but down. If I'm wrong, I will eat ALL my hats - and I have a lot to cover my big tanning opportunity.<p>In the meantime, search diligently for all your faults and take steps to address them. If/when she calls, Plan A your butt off. DO NOT ask prying questions. DO tell her you look forward to her return, but don't ask her ANYTHING that puts her on the spot. Your reactions should be consistent with projecting a supportive, loving, confident husband.<p>Keep reading here and absorb everything you can.<p>WAT

Thank you for the reply WAT. The story is very complete and I have not left out a single thing, believe you me. I will follow your advice and just sit back and when and if she calls (my bets are she will call upon arrival in a day or so) I will just be supportive. In the mean time, I may take up underwater basket weaving or something else to keep from losing my mind .<p>Thanks for the reply, it is truly appreciated and I have been reading as much as I can on this site for 5 weeks and WILL continue to do so.<p>Warm regards,<p>MrFlorida

Thank you for the reply WAT. The story is very complete and I have not left out a single thing, believe you me. I will follow your advice and just sit back and when and if she calls (my bets are she will call upon arrival in a day or so) I will just be supportive. In the mean time, I may take up underwater basket weaving or something else to keep from losing my mind .<p>Thanks for the reply, it is truly appreciated and I have been reading as much as I can on this site for 5 weeks and WILL continue to do so.<p>Warm regards,<p>MrFlorida

Updated 6:25 p.m. 5/17 Seems the Mrs. made it partially to her destination and stopped in Georgia to see family members and called to let me know where she was and told me she feels really bad and asked that I return her call in a couple of hours. So as you suggested WAT, I will plan A my A** off when I talk to her later this evening. <p>Mr. Florida

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> However, he gets very mad at her over it and does not like it.
<hr></blockquote><p>If it gives you any satisfaction, you can see that he is already LBing, and the relationship is only in the infant stages when things are supposed to be rosy and sweet. I would imagine as they have to put up with each other in the same household that once he's shown her the sights and sounds of Houston, he'll be ready for her to leave, and she'll be ready to come home!! I mean really, who gets all worked up and angry about the insecurities of someone they are trying to create a relationship with. I don't think she's going to find a "match made in heaven."
And congrats to you for not LBing - allowing her to go, helping her to pack. Her most recent memories of you will be very fond!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Just an update to help me keep my sanity and stay busy. My WS called upon arrival to Houston to let me know that she made it and prior to ending the call, told me that she loved me and it made my day to say the least. She also emailed me today to send me her new cell phone number incase of an emergency. I sent a nice email back letting her know that I really don't have a need to contact her for any emergencies since it is or was, only the two of us and asked that the OM contact me if there were any emergencies relative to her. I also told her that I loved her and that I am here for her. It has been a whole 3 days and I finally found Surviving an Affair at a book store about 35 miles away and read over half the book wtihout putting it down and will complete it tomorrow and start over again and re read it many times. Boy it hits the nail on the head!<p>Anyone have any experiences to share relative to time frames that take place relative to the stages a WS goes through on average, etc?<p>Thanks,<p>Mr. Florida

>>> Anyone have any experiences to share relative to time frames that take place relative to the stages a WS goes through on average, etc <<<<p>From what I've seen, it really does vary quite a bit... they say 6 to 24 months from the "light of day" is typical... although many die within 6 months.<p>"Light of day" is defined as everyone knowing, including family and friends. I've been in Plan A for 8 months, going on 9... WW has shown signs of going in and out of "the fog" - but no commitment. As such, I'm just getting ready to move to Plan B.<p>As you'll read (or have read), the typical recommendation is to go for about 6 months in Plan A. There's a good thread out there called "The Misapplication of Plan A" - makes a case for less time, although counseling with Steve Harley myself tends to go with "as long as you can do it, go with Plan A" - at least for someone like me without kids. The Dr.Dobson approach says "A quick blowout is better than a slow leak."<p>There are so many factors involved. In the end, the WS tends to milk it for as long as they feel they "can." That's why Weiner-Davis' Divorce Busting techniques tend to spell out trying to portray to the WS that you're "moving on."<p>Plan A might seem enabling, and it is on a certain level. But that's why Plan B exists. Lore has it that Plan B is needed in about 75% of cases... Plan A tends to "set up" Plan B... the two work together as a team. Just keep that in mind as far as expectations go.

Well in order to keep a level of sanity, just an update on the situation. As WAT suggested, I am plan A "ing" my butt off. I have not talked to her honestly. But thanks to email, we have been communicating that way and I take every chance I get to let her know how I feel and what our marriage means to me and what I am doing to improve myself. I have not done any LBing at all.<p>One note I did neglect to mention in my original post. The OM apparently keeps a picture of his ex live in girl friend in his wallet and does not hide it and he also talks to her 4 or 5 times a day. They have not apparently been together for nine months and prior to my WS becoming involved with OM, he had been seeing someone else. My WS's insecurity issues are sure to play a role in there somewhere. The OM assures her that they are only friends. However, he has never told this ex live about the new situation with my WS and she is not aware of her at all. I politely told her even before she left, that this seemed very odd indeed. Perhaps indeed they are very good friends, but I wonder why he would not mention my WS to her and the fact that she would be moving in. I am still very unsure that this woman knows and I am not going to ask any prying questions to WS. I only want to project love and support and the desire to get her back.<p>Prior to her departure, I also told her that in the end, I thought that overall this would make our marriage stronger than it ever has been and give us a marriage that others dream about. Most folks I know would tell me I am crazy, but after many long and meaniful talks with WS, she agreed with me.<p>Any thoughts or comments are surely appreciated....... <p>There, I feel better!<p>Mr. Florida

Mr Florida - Sorry but I cannot understand the way you are handling this. Her tyeling you she loves you, while she is going to spend time with another man? No matter what your past is as far as the OCD, it does not make it right for her to have an affair on you. It sounds like to me that you are justifying her having the affair because of some personal problems you are having. Sorry, but at no time when a couple committ to each other in marriage is it acceptable for one partner to have an affair. It also sounds like she has her own problems that she needs to deal with. I got the impression that you believe she is justified in her actions, and I can't accept that. If you wish to wait for her and try to let her know that you will be there for her when she needs you, I can accept that. At the same time if you have OCD and need to get medication or therapy to help yourself through the rough times, that is something you do for yourself and the future of your relationship if it lasts. If things were that bad at home for her she should have left via separation or divorce, not affair. Work with her, but don't put all the blame on yourself for her choices, marriage involves vows, love, and committment. People out there go through alot of sh%t, and their marriage survives. Sorry to come across a bit more negative, but she has alot more issues then you lead on in your notes.

I think that you should read and reread the post from Lost In Space. I know that you are in great pain but married people do not move away to another city and start up housekeeping with another man. It really sounds like your wife is a cakewoman. It also sounds that there seems to be no repercussions to her actions. You are telling her it is acceptable to live and have sex with the OM as girlfriend and boyfriend and if he should drop her or whatever she is always welcome to come back home to you and your marriage will be stronger? She has a great many issues. Unfortunately you seem to be the door prize for her if things do not work out. I would think down deep it would be difficult to respect someone who is willing to accept all forms of disrespect and humiliation. I hope you seek therapy to understand your actions in this matter. You are married and you do not deserve to be the second choice of your wife. I wish you luck.

Mr. Florida - keep doing what you're doing. Other posters may urge you to kick the door down. I suggest a drop of oil on the hinges is far better.<p>WAT

Hey Mr F, just thought I'd drop in and offer support. Being patient and loving is the way to go for no other person than yourself. At least then you know you didn't contribute to her leaving you (in the end if that happens), and you may get a chance to learn what went wrong in the marriage and work together to fix it.<p>Let me know how you go with the underwater basket weaving, I've just taken up diving and it might be a good sideline. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

Thanks to all for their respective replies and opionions. I have read and reread them all many times and honestly, my emails to the WS may have LBd a bit as she emailed me back late last night in an angry tone. But I am just going to hang in their with the oil can as WAT suggested and wait this thing out. It is far to early in the game and I know, deep inside that she loves me. I am thinking of sending her an email and letting her know that I won't contact her unless I really need to in an emergency so that I won't have any possibility of LBing and also, I will strongly suggest that she contact me via phone or email anytime she would like to. That is when I will plan A my [censored] off.<p>Any thoughts ?<p>Mr Florida.

Hey,<p>Well, let me give you props for being so strong to let your W go be with the OM so understandingly and willingly. It takes a strong person to do that. That right there shows the strength you will need down the road. Wow!<p>On another note, the A does have to take its course. I don't think you should do anything to encourage it nor should you do anything that reflects LBing. You are in between a rock and a hard place. <p>Now is the time for you to focus on yourself. You should get all the help you can for your own issues and not focus on her so much. I tell everyone this.....you need to get in a place where you know no matter what your WS does to hurt you, that you will be ok. Ask yourself, "what is my payoff for hanging onto all my "issues" that hold me back from what I deserve, my dreams, my goals, and my needs? <p>I don't think you should call her. I don't think you should email her either unless she requests it. This is your M. I think your W has to know that their are consequences for her actions.<p>By all means, don't LB, continue Plan A, continue some counseling if you haven't done so already, make a plan and follow it, post and post on MB, read all you can (gain wisdom), and make goals for yourself....AND LIVE!<p>You don't have to nor can you move on because you are M. With marriage, I am sorry to say, there is no in between. YOU ARE EITHER MARRIED OR YOU ARE NOT.<p>I seriously feel that your W should know that you are not happy with the situation and it is unacceptable to you, but you know that you can't control her or change her. That is the only reason you have come to accept her actions. She has to know there are some consequences. <p>You can control yourself and change yourself though. That should be your main focus now. (In your case, some help is needed to control your OCD) This M involves 2 people, not just 1. Why, who wouldn't have their cake and eat it too if it was handed to them on a silver platter? <p>I can't say I agree with you nor disagree. You have amazed me, positively speaking [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . She is going to lose a good man if she keeps this up. <p>You know, it wasn't until I completely accepted that I could not change or control my H's actions, needs, wants, desires, or A's that I got his attention. Your actions will payoff. You will see. Stay strong. <p>Just my thoughts. Take care of you.
INTHECLOUDS

Thank you INTHECLOUDS. I has been very far from easy. I will not contact her, nor email her unless she does so first. She already is WELL aware that I am not pleased. I am indeed between a rock and a hard place and for now, I will indeed focus on ME. I have ZERO control over the situation at hand. So I will LIVE my own life and let the A take it's terminal course. I have read and re read a great deal of Dr. Harleys books and as he states.... an A in based upon deceipt and mistrust and soley that along. It cannot survive as at some point in time, the very same deceipt and mistrust will come alive within the A. Not quite the exact quote mind you. But close [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I honestly believe that in time, I will have my opportunity. I have no desire to move on as I am M and intend to stay that way. The day I took my vows, I made a promise to God, my WS, our children, friends and family. That is a commitment that I will keep and my WS knows that is how I feel. Funny, since I started my meds for the OCD (Paxil) and I calmed down from this mess a bit, the WS and I had some of the best talks we have had in years. She will surely email me back here and there and she does need certain things. Then and only then I will reinforce my discontent with the situation and that I know that I cannot control her actions and that SHE is responsible for them. I will in no uncertain terms be pleasant and Plan A her, but she will know that I am living for me now. Thanks again for the support, it is VERY MUCH appreciated. All day yesterday, all I did was think of this mess. I had a very bad OCD day.... the obessive thoughts.... even the meds did not give me any help yesterday. Today is better though and thanks to posts like yours, I feel better. I read this board and the posts at least an hour a day and it has become a ritual for me. I have learned so much in a very short time. <p>Thanks again!<p>Mr. Florida

Just updated my profile and anyone that would like to email me may do so @ floridahog@yahoo.com Can always use positive suggestions!<p>
Thanks
Mr. Florida
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Just an update. After reading the post from Intheclouds.... I took the advice and sent the WS this email:<p>Just to reiterate one thing to you. I am not judging you over this mess. However, know that I am NOT happy with this situation and it is unacceptable. The ONLY reason that I have accepted this, is that I KNOW that I cannot control YOU or YOUR ACTIONS. Your choices are something that YOU have to LIVE with. Not me. I am going to the library to read and get some self help books for myself and focus on ME. <p>Don't get me wrong, I am not sitting here typing this is a rage of madness. I actually feel very good today. Yesterday was a very bad OCD day for me. I truly accept that I cannot change you and cannot control you. I can change and control ME. I am going to LIVE for ME until the day that WE can LIVE for US. So off I go.<p>Then today I received this email from her:<p>I am having mixed feelings about this move...
and not sure what is going to happen... Maybe its
guilty it could be Mark.... I dont know.... but
anyway... I will talk to you about that later. Don't read to much into this letter... I will email
you back tomorrow and let you know if I want you to
mailed the printer cable to me... For now just wait
until I have had time to talk... <p>The reference to the printer cable was about one she left behind when WS left. At the same time I got the email, she called and I took an immediate plan A stance.... actually cried a bit in tears of joy from talking with her and we talked for quite a while...... She has been there now for a grand total of almost four days including today.<p>Anyone care to respond so that I don't read too much into this ?<p>Thanks <p>Mr. Florida [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Don't read too much into it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>How's that?<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Seriously. It does sound good, k? But don't jump to any conclusions, and don't change what you're doing. Re-read the advice you've gotten, and stay the course. The fog is known to roll out as fast as it rolls in. Hold on tight to this roller coaster... it has dips and turns! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you faith, that is exactly why I asked for opinions.<p>Mr. Florida