I am new to Marrage Builders so let me introducce myself. My name is Jennifer I am both WW and BW. My husband is also both WH and BH. the OP is the same for both of us. OP was my best friend. you may ask how this all came about. . . I am going to explain. My DH and I both proclamed to be christians when we got married. shortly after our marrage we stoped going to church all together, we didnt have time, that was our excuse. Anyway last year after my DH and I ahd been maried about 14 months he began to encourage me to get out and hang out with people my own age and he told me that I was "smothering" him. that is when I meet the OW she was a wonderful energetic person the type of person that is just plain fun to be around. One night at a party were we had all gotten quite intoxicated my DH drove us home and in the morning we all woke up in the same bed. . . I knew what had happened. I told my DH at that time that that was not something that I was comfortable with and that needed to stop but it seemed that because to me she was my best friend and I was unwilling to give that up we contenued to get together and party and everytime was the same as before. . . it happened about 5 weeks before true D-Day I had gone to sleep while we were away on a trip and awoke to find them in bed together and me not involved . . . I see the difrance now but at the time I figgures as long as I was there what harm was realy being done. any way I made it clear than that I was not into that and that "I was suposed to come first" well 5 weeks later my DH and I got into a discussion and I askd flat out if he had been seeing her with out me and the answer was yes. I dont kknow I guess maybe hes right that I have no right to be upset now when I let "US" go on for so long. I asked him if he was in love with her and he said yes and I asked him what about me he said that he loved me but was no longer IN love with me he also told me that before we got married he had doubts about us. it had been 4 1/2 monthes now since D-Day and I am getting ready to move out. When all this happened I asked for some things straight out. 1. no contact with OP 2. to get rid of all pornography in the house and 3. that we attend counseling together. as far as I know there has been no contact in the last 3 months because SHE cut contact. He still gets online and reads pornagraphic storys most of wich include incest and we went to 4 counseling sessions together and he stoped going because he felt picked on. I know that I allowed BAD things to come into our marrage I didnt put my foot down when I should have. . . I egerly participated in activities and enjoyed them, I now see that thost things including the pornography opened the door for other things in our marrage and lead to the EMA. BUT the diffrince I think is that I realize that it was and is wrong and he contenues to justify his actions. I have worked hard to fulfill his emotional needs but Because of my own issues with sexuality he is not satisfied in that area, I was molested by both my steep father and my uncle from the time I was 5 till I was 13 so obviously there are isues in that area when we got married I explained those to him and felt like he understood but now he says that he didnt think that after 2 years they would still be afecting me. I never deny him sexuly but I may not be there emotionaly either. *sigh* I am still very much in love with him but because "I need to mature" he says I have to leave. I am just very hurt and a t the same time I am not sure I even have a right to be hurt. I want to make our marrage work but have to sign a year lease on the 31 and he is incouraging me to do it.
anyway enough rambling
thanks for listining
Jennifer

Maladjusted<p>You were a reluctant participant in a threesome. Beyond that, consenting adults may do as they will, but bottomline, he did indeed cheat on you. Even swingers have their rules about openess and honesty and being present during the EMA's. Having sex one-to-one without you there and without your knowledge or prior consent was wrong. Yes, the threesome arrangement may have opened the door, but your acceptance and understanding of the situation was that all of you would be together for that activity. They have both betrayed you. <p>He is in fantasyland right now and is using your initial participation as some sort of approval for them being together. Regardless of how it started, it was an affair. You know it was wrong to open your marriage to this, but he doesn't, so just concentrate on yourself when it comes to that aspect of it. Put Plan A into effect and get counseling for yourself and for both of you (if he is open to it). Wow, you need to sign a lease on the 31st? Bad time to make a major commitment like that! Maybe some others here will have some advice on how to handle that! Personally, I have stayed away from signing anything that is a major commitment legally and/or financially. Do you have a place to go if you decide not to sign? Does he have a place to go? Will he just go to OW if you let the lease go? Lots of questions!<p>I don't know when he will see that he has some blame in this, not likely to happen by the 31st though, and if it did I would wonder if he was just saying that to manipulate you into feeling comfortable enough to sign the lease. Go to the welcome page for some more links and helpful information and good luck! Here's 2 links for you to check out! <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553

[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Well, yesterday I had lunch with my WH I laid my heart on the table I told him that I would do anything even "Eat" my deposit on the apartment if He saw any glimmer of hope in our marrage. . . There are things that he is unhappy with me about there are areas that I need to be more dilagent in Domestic Suport being a biggie for him. He told me he was morte than happy to "LET" me contenue to live with him as long as I wanted to. I asked him if he knew what it was that I needed him to work toward changing. . . I DONT CARE ABOUT THE PORN!!!!! I dont want to see or hear about it but that is not what I care about. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I know that he has not "seen" the OW since 1/15 but yesterday he informed me that they have been comunicating over email and telephone. after him telling me for the last 4 mos that that wasnt happining [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] He also informed me that they were just friends and nothing more. . . he said that he thought that as long as he didnt "SEE" her that I was going to be ok with it!!! Can someone please tell me what sick world is he on??????? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> I laid my heart on the table and he stomped on it again. . . He told me that he was not willing to give up there "FRIENDSHIP" ever. I am going to sign my lease on the 31. He has shown me that he is not wanting to make things right even tho for the last 4 mos he has said he did want to make our marrage work. I cant take this pain anymore . . . Is my marriage even worth me fighting for if he is not willing to work on it at all??? <p>maladjusted

I assume he's still not remorseful etc? That he's still in the fog? If that's the case, then the Harley's Plan A is where YOU start if YOU want to save the marriage. Plan A is for the betrayed spouse, not the wayward spouse. Research it and implement it if you want to save your marriage. Research Plan B so that you'll also know when it is appropriate to move to it. There are those here who know a lot more about those plans than I, as I did not have to do either. I did not know about my WHs A until it was over. Therefore, we've basically been in recovery since D-Day.<p>You have to decide if your M is worth saving. You've allowed some things into your marriage, and have learned the painful consequences of them. If both of you can realize how these mistakes have affected you, and agree to not allow them into the marriage, you have a foundation to build upon. However, if one spouse continues to think that those activities will be permissible again because they were permitted once, then you have some basic ground rules that will have to be addressed and rewritten. Your task is not an easy one. But there are those here who have been through things just as bad, if not worse. They can help you. Listen to them.

Hey ya, I just wanted to give you huggs and add what little perspective I have. Having a hubby that kinda goes by world standards myself I have had to make sure I am doing what God wants. God's ways are not the world's ways so even if something seems like it is ok, or might be ok (like your hubby saying that he though it would be ok because they were only "friends") remember sin is sin. Don't know if this will help, but it is the only advice I have really and it is free, so please take it at face value.... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]